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Roommate and Her Boyfriend

musicallylatinmusicallylatin Posts: 3,814Registered User Senior Member
edited September 2012 in College Life
I live in a triple. Three of us. One small room.

One of the girls has a boyfriend who came up from out of town yesterday. It was established he'd spend the night. They'd share their twin bed. Whatever.

It wasn't that that bugged me. It was eight o clock, at night getting a text asking me to not come in the room until she told me it was okay again, via text. Don't knock. Don't come in. Don't text. Just wait for her to text me. A few hours passed and I got the "it's okay"text.

Was this really appropriate of her to ask me and my other roommate to do? When each paid substantial money to share a room, is it okay to kick us out in the second week so she and her boyfriend can be alone?

I have a few friends on campus that believe it was wrong of her to do that, but I can see where someone would say otherwise.

I found it really annoying because I go to bed early. I'm a morning person. It's well established, and I try to make every set up so that isn't an issue. I fall asleep with the lights on regularly so my two other roommates can do whatever. I don't turn lights on in the morning when getting ready. Yet, because she had her boyfriend over, my needs, that I paid for with the room, weren't being met. And really, one night isn't a big deal at all. I can cope. It was a Friday night. So, I'll give her that.

But because she paid partially for the room does she have a right to lock us out of the room for a few hours, or because me and my other roommate paid to share this room, does that mean she should respect that there are two other people living there?
Post edited by musicallylatin on
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Replies to: Roommate and Her Boyfriend

  • Johnson181Johnson181 Posts: 4,142Registered User Senior Member
    IMO, it's only ok if this was established beforehand. By that I mean the possibility, not the exact time, etc.

    That was one of the things my roommate and I worked out in the beginning of the year - times in which that would be acceptable. For us, that meant no school nights and never for an entire night. Other rooms had different philosophies, but it's up to you to set it up long before one roommate texts the other saying not to come in the room.
  • TuftsStudentTuftsStudent Posts: 570Registered User Member
    Johnson is right. If you're not up to anything, she has a right to request that she be able to have the room to herself, but it was really poor form of her to not alert you of the possibility to allow you to make alternate plans. Let it slide this time but let her know that she needs to give you a bit more warning and also frame it as a request the next time. She might have just expected you guys to understand that this would happen because she did tell you that her boyfriend was coming up, but that's not fully reasonable of her to expect that. It sucks for her in the future if her boyfriend is only there for that one night but you really need to use the room, but you have a right to use the room just as much as she does.

    Bottom line: Advance notice, framed as a request = A-OK. Otherwise, it's up to your discretion.
  • musicallylatinmusicallylatin Posts: 3,814Registered User Senior Member
    Ok,

    So she established her boyfriend would be coming over. She is from a religious family, and noted at the beginning of the semester that they wouldn't be "doing anything". So me being frustrated this time about suddenly being told the room would be occupied is a reasonable frustration?

    I'm trying really hard not to be annoyed by something that should be fine. I just transferred from a religious school, so sex in the dorms hasn't been an issue for me in the past. (Yet again, I don't give a damn she's have sex. That's her deal. Whatever! It's just when it intrudes into my space too.)

    I guess the other reason I found it entirely frustrating was last night I was having a rough night. I just wanted to chill out in my bed, in my sweats and not care. Plus, prior to living here, for over half a year I was a guest in someone's home because of financial and family reasons, so this is the first spot in awhile that I've paid for and, at least my bed, is all mine. It's nice not to be a guest for once. Prior to that I was moving so often I could never settle in. I was living out of a bag. I get a little protective over an area that is finally all mine even if it's only my twin xl bed that's really my space.
  • MyPaperBleedsInkMyPaperBleedsInk Posts: 93Registered User Junior Member
    I don't think it's okay at all, unless she requested time in the room by herself with the guy, and both you and the other room mate agreed.
  • Johnson181Johnson181 Posts: 4,142Registered User Senior Member
    So me being frustrated this time about suddenly being told the room would be occupied is a reasonable frustration?
    You absolutely have every right to be frustrated, especially since she told you nothing would be going on.

    But as it comes up in every roommate thread, the key to all of this is communication. It seems like she absolutely failed on that, so you're going to have to bring it up yourself. Approach her when you're calm and level headed so that you can (hopefully) work out a reasonable system.

    As TuftsStudent says, it should always (imo) be a request, and not a demand. And, as it worked well in my situation, my roommate always gave me several hours notice.

    (For what it's worth, I did say no to my roommate once when I was sick as a dog - and she was seemingly fine with it)
  • b@r!umb@r!um Posts: 9,519Registered User Senior Member
    I am in the "roommate didn't behave very respectfully" camp. I'd be frustrated too. I also agree with the posters above that you can probably work out a better system. Just establish a couple of ground rules, like:

    - advanced notice
    - no later than ___
    - no longer than ___
  • romanigypsyeyesromanigypsyeyes Posts: 22,992Registered User Senior Member
    I'm one who routinely sexiled my roommate sophomore year and I'm still in the camp that what your roommate did wasn't ok.

    My roommate and I worked out a schedule. She would let me know approximately what time she'd be back and we'd work around that. I would text her sometimes about an hour before I needed it and wait for her OK. She was almost always cool with it because it very rarely interfered with her schedule.

    It's all about respect and how your roommate went about it was not respectful. Instead of being angry though, just make sure it doesn't happen again. Put it down in writing what needs to happen and make all roommates sign it. Give a copy to your RA.

    Good luck and try not to hold it against her. It might be a one time thing and you're in an adjustment period (the first few weeks of school). Just make sure you communicate with her.
  • alexissssalexissss Posts: 2,177Registered User Senior Member
    It isn't OK.

    If she is that important to her bf, she can arrange to be in a hotel. The room is not hers alone. She should have been considerate.
  • CTScoutmomCTScoutmom Posts: 1,315Registered User Senior Member
    Another who agrees it is not ok. If she had arranged ahead of time, so you could work her plans into your schedule, that would be ok. If she had texted at the last minute, and needed 15 minutes, that would be ok. If she had texted to ASK if you minded staying out for 2-3 hours, that would be OK. She did not indicate how long she would be - that is not OK.

    You are right, it is your room. In your situation I would have texted back immediately and asked for at least a rough estimate of when I could expect to return to my room.
  • BCEagle91BCEagle91 Posts: 22,762Registered User Senior Member
    > Was this really appropriate of her to ask me and my other roommate
    > to do? When each paid substantial money to share a room, is it okay
    > to kick us out in the second week so she and her boyfriend can be
    > alone?

    > I have a few friends on campus that believe it was wrong of her to
    > do that, but I can see where someone would say otherwise.

    Asking people for favors is inappropriate or appropriate depending
    on your relationship with them.

    I had a friend ask me if I could take care of his dog for a day if he
    went out of town. That means walking it, cleaning up after it, feeding
    it and providing water. For a lot of people, that's pretty simple but
    I've never done it before but he's been a friend for about 20 years so
    I said sure.

    In this case, she wasn't really asking you - she was telling you but
    phrasing it in a way that appears to be asking you. Whether it is
    appropriate or not is up to you and your other roommate that was asked
    to stay away. Several hours is quite a bit of time to monopolize a
    public space so I would call it inconsiderate at best. Sure, you can
    find a common area or the library but why should you have to. If this
    is just once a semester, then perhaps you can live with it. If it's
    going to be more frequent, then it could be a nuisance.

    > I found it really annoying because I go to bed early. I'm a morning
    > person. It's well established, and I try to make every set up so
    > that isn't an issue. I fall asleep with the lights on regularly so
    > my two other roommates can do whatever. I don't turn lights on in
    > the morning when getting ready. Yet, because she had her boyfriend
    > over, my needs, that I paid for with the room, weren't being
    > met. And really, one night isn't a big deal at all. I can cope. It
    > was a Friday night. So, I'll give her that.

    When you get out into the real world, you're going to have to deal
    with far more in inconveniences. College tries to make a lot of things
    efficient for students and you may find the life takes more effort to
    figure out when you are in the working world. You may have to work all
    night or over the weekend or take a business trip on short notice.

    So stuff happens and losing your digs for a few hours isn't the worst
    that can happen in college or in life.

    > But because she paid partially for the room does she have a right to
    > lock us out of the room for a few hours, or because me and my other
    > roommate paid to share this room, does that mean she should respect
    > that there are two other people living there?

    I don't think that it's helpful to think in terms of paying for
    something - rather you all have rights and benefits to the room. Some
    are spelled out and some you have to work out. One or more of you
    might have scholarships that covered the costs of your room so it
    isn't necessarily true that all three of you paid for the room.

    > So she established her boyfriend would be coming over. She is from a
    > religious family, and noted at the beginning of the semester that
    > they wouldn't be "doing anything". So me being frustrated this time
    > about suddenly being told the room would be occupied is a reasonable
    > frustration?

    Hormones > Religion.

    > I guess the other reason I found it entirely frustrating was last
    > night I was having a rough night. I just wanted to chill out in my
    > bed, in my sweats and not care. Plus, prior to living here, for over
    > half a year I was a guest in someone's home because of financial and
    > family reasons, so this is the first spot in awhile that I've paid
    > for and, at least my bed, is all mine. It's nice not to be a guest
    > for once. Prior to that I was moving so often I could never settle
    > in. I was living out of a bag. I get a little protective over an
    > area that is finally all mine even if it's only my twin xl bed
    > that's really my space.

    Perfectly understandable. But at some point in the future, you will
    probably have your own place and you may have to or want to provide
    temporary housing for someone, a friend, relative, classmate, etc.,
    and this event might seem pretty minor compared to providing housing
    for someone else.

    So I'd agree with the others that don't think that this was an
    appropriate thing to do.

    Did she apologize for the inconvenience?
  • boysx3boysx3 Posts: 5,160Registered User Senior Member
    The way your rm handled the situation was not good....some privacy for her and her bf should have been negotiated in advance....discussed and agreed upon by the three of you.

    When she texted you, you might have texted back something along the lines of "have fun! I will probably be coming back around 10:30 because I plan to get up early tomorrow morning. So see you at 10:30!"

    Just because she set forth her expectations did not mean you had to totally go along with her request--although it is nice to acquiesce if you can--but it would have been acceptable for you to send back a set time for your return instead of leaving it entirely open and up to her. That way she would have known she could have privacy for a least a while, and you would not have suffered the anxiety of worrying about what time you would be "allowed" to return.

    Each of the three of you should be able to use the room by yourself occasionally, for whatever reason. But no one should be (s)exiled from the room without advance notice/permission.

    From your subsequent post, it seems like you have been through quite a lot and have some issues.....just remember that your roomies are new players in your life and likely do not know all of your history or issues, and that in any case, they are not responsible for them.

    All of you are apparently new to college life and each of you are looking to enjoy it to the full....it's just that you may have a different definition of what constitutes enjoyment right now.

    That being said, you might not want to make it a situation where it is never all right for someone to have privacy in the room for a few hours with a SO. There is no predicting what the future might bring, and what if over the next few months you end up in a relationship, and once in awhile you and your SO might want a few hours of privacy for whatever reason? Orr what if you just feel like requesting a few hours for you to be by yourself?

    Definitely have a talk with your roomies on the issue, but make it nice and nonconfrontational--more along the lines of "gee your BF was really nice and I can see why you like spending time with him. But next time can we make some plans in advance so we know when the two of you might want a bit of privacy? That way I could plan to have stuff I might need with me when I leave. For example, I had planned to work on X that night, and I couldn't do it because I didn't know I wouldn't be able to come back to the room to get my stuff. And it was really uncomfortable not knowing what time I could plan on coming back...."

    Could you suggest alternatives as far as timing as to what would work for you? For example, along the lines of "you know I like to go to bed around 10-- do you guys want privacy from like 7-9? or on Saturday afternoon from 1-4?"
  • ladeeda6ladeeda6 Posts: 508Registered User Member
    I think my roommate tried to sexile me once but I was too slow to realize it at the time (plus I had literally no where else to go and I thought "sexiling" only happened on TV. I think I watched too much Greek that summer.) I knew this one guy that slept on the pool table for two nights in a row because he roommate was hooking up with some alum/townie/cougar who loved to get her hooks into undergrads. So...I guess it could be worse..?

    Anywhoo...you're roommate was dead wrong. I'm not a fan of sexiling people, personally, period. You both pay your fair share of that room and no one person has the right to say when the other person can and cannot be in the room. Even asking puts one person in an awkward place. If the other person isn't going to be around for a few hours because of class or whatever, boink your brains out then.

    BUT, your roommate should have asked you and given you advance notice. My rule with my roommate was if she was going to bring someone back, just let me know (and not 10 minutes before). From what you've said, she didn't really ask you anything because she was already thisclose to gettin' it on. That's not asking someone.

    I'd ask her not to spring stuff on you like that, especially given you go to bed early. "Hey, the next time your boyfriend comes over, can you give me a little bit more advance notice so I can make plans or get some things from here first?" Sure she doesn't have to tell you a week in advance but more than 5 seconds before the condom wrappers hit the floor would be nice.
  • musicallylatinmusicallylatin Posts: 3,814Registered User Senior Member
    Ok,

    The plot thickens.

    She did it again today. Without notice. The extent of the text to me was, "Don't knock. Don't come in". I wasn't planning on being in the room but the way it was phrased just irritated me to no end, because that time, it was a demand not even a request masked as a demand.

    Then later she and I run into each other and she thanks me for being so nice about it. She was grateful and the likes, but then she asks me if I can stay somewhere else tonight, since this is her boyfriend's last night it town. Taken aback, all I could muster was a pathetic, "No, I don't think that's possible". In reality I have friends a floor up, I just don't want to sleep on a wood floor, and I don't find it fair to ask me to sleep on the floor. I have plans in the morning and need access to the room.

    Did she have a right to make that request now? Should I have nipped it in the bud earlier? Was it okay for me to say no and not attempt to make any other arrangement (I even have family in town)? He does live five hours away, so is it something I should just let be now, or is it worth discussing?
  • BCEagle91BCEagle91 Posts: 22,762Registered User Senior Member
    I'd say that your roommate is being unreasonable but if you allow her to continue, you'll be setting her expectations that she can do this whenever her boyfriend is in town.

    Do guys expect the girl's roommates to clear out for this sort of thing? An adult would look upon this as inconsiderate behavior from both the girl and the guy. If he or she is willing to inconvenience roommates, how would they feel about doing the same thing to their boy/girl-friends?
  • TomServoTomServo Posts: 2,047Registered User Senior Member
    You are entitled to the space you pay for, any privacy you choose to give her by surrendering that right is merely elective on your part. If you are willing to set up a system of rules, then discuss this with her, but you are absolutely within your rights to say "it's my room too, and I need free access to it 24/7."
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