| How do I endure the next 4 years
I am having a horrible time at college. I really feel like i'm at the wrong place. The school is too big and while it is impossible to group everyone into one group, the people i've come across here are not my kind of people. I cannot transfer though because I am partly attending this school due to its close proximity of my home. I like being home because I have a mother who was recently diagnosed with advanced colon cancer and I can't imagine going far away (right now i'm about a half hour from my house).
I feel like complete crap all the time. I lack motivation to study and it's hard studying when I really don't know what I want to do with my life. I have plans to transfer into the business school here as a junior, but the gpa required to do so seems impossibly high (I want to be realistic), so I don't know what i'd do instead of a business major.
I HATE living in dorms. I'm so sick of living with someone, and I dislike everyone on my floor. The bathroom situations are screwed up and I feel disgusting every time I go in there. Everyone in my dorm is so typically immature. I don't want to sound arrogant but I hate being around people who think beating someone up is funny(??)
Whenever I am not in class/doing work, I think about my mom constantly and I am literally on the verge of tears 24/7. My mind races with "what if's" and I try to imagine my life without her and I just get so depressed and lost. Like nothing matters if she dies. NOTHING bad has ever happened to me in my 18 years of living. I've never even experienced a pet dying, and here I am starting college and this cancer diagnosis comes up out of nowhere and smacks me in the face. I used to fear dying so much, but if anything were to ever happen to my mom I honestly wouldn't care if I died or not because i'd have less of a reason to be alive.
My parents have been married for 28 years and they are a typical couple. I know they love each other but at times my dad is a little harsh on my mom and it makes me sick. He lacks patience and sometimes he needs to learn how to shut up. I broke down when he came and picked me up for the weekend a few weeks ago and told him I was depressed. He responded by telling me I have nothing to be depressed about. I mentioned my mom and she insensitively told me that that's life and he basically said people die and you need to move on. Like ***????? How dare he talk like that about my mom. His mom is 85 years old and he has no right telling me I should move on from something like this. I am so angry but I can't do anything about it. I feel so alone and I hate being at school.
I can't drop out though because then I'd never come back. I want to just travel the world and forget that the past 5 months ever happened.
My only realistic choice is to stay in school. How can I endure the next four years. I'm sorry if I sort of went off topic but I feel like I need to vent somewhere. Thanks for whatever responses this question receives.
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