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My friend is using me

'tisthetruth'tisthetruth Posts: 865. Member
edited January 2007 in College Life
My friend says that my other friend is using me, and I'm starting to believe it's true (I've actually considered this possibility but not seriously until now). What to do?
Post edited by 'tisthetruth on
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Replies to: My friend is using me

  • ShadowOfAnEnigmaShadowOfAnEnigma Posts: 922Registered User Member
    Using you for what? There are a lot of possible meanings for that phrase, each of which would demand different advice.
  • BP-TheGuy88BP-TheGuy88 Posts: 1,437Registered User Senior Member
    if you're being used and you don't like the way you're being used then don't let someone continue to use you. it's non-specific advice since you provided no details in your situation.
  • TheVeganActressTheVeganActress Posts: 6,666Registered User Senior Member
    yeah... it's hard to answer without details. but if you think it's happening you need to stop it.
  • frasifrasifrasifrasi Posts: 959Registered User Member
    Go peel a fruit.
  • 'tisthetruth'tisthetruth Posts: 865. Member
    OK, here we go.

    I hope I don't sound like a cold-hearted person because I'm not. Last week, I was freaked out when my friend called me her "soulmate." I really do not believe we're that close. My theory is that she said those things to me only because she thinks she might need me when something terrible happens, but I don't know if she actually believes that our friendship is that strong. I don't think we even "click," yet she seems to think so (I notice that she clicks with other people better). She thinks we "click" probably because, in her words, I'm the only one who understands her situation. She has a mental illness, and I happen to know a lot about it because I've had friends with similar issues. She put me in an uncomfortable situation last week when she broke down crying, revealing her fear that her last remaining parent might die. She said she'll probably try to kill herself because the death of one parent alone was enough to make her an emotional wreck, let alone the death of both parents. Basically, she said she's entrusting her life to me (um, that's a huge responsibility). She trusts me to make judgments about the proper thing to do just in case she finds herself in a situation where she might not know what's best for her (security officials got called last time). Actually, I have no problem doing that, regardless of the status of our friendship. What I have a problem with is her pretending that we're "soulmates" one time and then being indifferent to our friendship another time. I don't think she trusts that I care enough to be willing to do those things as just friends, hence why she constantly tries to butter me up. I also think that her pride gets in the way. Once, she sent me an email telling me how empty and lonely she felt after we hung out (along with a friend). I responded with an optimistic email, but the next day, she acted all smug about it. She's also obnoxious at times. For example, last night, I happened to be talking with a new acquaintance in the dining hall when she came. She asked me, whispering in my ear in his presence, if I thought the guy I was conversing with was gay. I think he overheard her saying "The sweater totally gives it away." While I had good reason to believe he was gay, I don't think he was comfortable with himself yet, hence my embarrassment at her suggestion. I wanted to advise her to be more tactful, but I didn't want to embarrass her in public. The conversation went on as usual and things were fine. When he finally left (because he had a class, not because of my friend or anything), my friends and I were talking about the guy and then she blurted out some inappropriate sexual comments...so loud the people around us turned their heads. I was particularly upset because I wasn't even romantically interested in the guy, yet she insists that we should "have lots of manly sex" or something. I hate to say this, but I'm very embarrassed to be with her when she says such things. She loves talking about her sex life in a very explicit way at the wrong times, and I'm absolutely mortified when people in public have reason to believe that I partake in such sexual encounters. Basically, I have a set of friends whom I click with, but she thinks that she clicks with me and them when, in fact, I think she's using me only for her own purposes. I get very little out of our friendship, because I'm always the one to help out when she's in need (for example, I gave up several hours of studying for an exam to comfort her at a time of distress). Also, over break, she called me about 10 times a day, no exaggeration. Since I didn't pick up the phone half the time (I'm not fond of cellphones), she tried looking up my home phone number on the white pages when she could've just asked on Facebook or something (which, surprisingly, she doesn't utilize very much)! Needless to say, I was creeped out. Recently, she asked me if her boyfriend from out-of-town can stay in my room when he visits. I said yes, because he would have no place to stay otherwise, and I didn't want to be a jerk. Basically, I think she's trying to take advantage of my goodwill. She deliberately sets me up in situations where I would feel like a jerk if I disappoint her. She also insists on hanging out with my friends (whom I love dearly), but behind their backs, she criticizes them, albeit lightly. Advice?
  • epsilon9090epsilon9090 Posts: 787Registered User Member
    Alright. This is pretty simple:

    You = Gay. Therefore, your female friend is taking advantage of you in order to procure benefits that are not available anywhere else. She picks you specifically because you are, well, gay, and there is no risk of starting a "relationship".

    You might want to read up on people called "Intellectual whores". In short, these are men that do whatever the hell women want just to try and have sex with them. However, since the women really are just using these men, whether consciously or unconsciously, these men are just doomed to failure. The only reason they hang on is because they have some hope.

    However, for you, there is no romantic incentive. Therefore, you can afford to dump this ***** right here on the spot, raw, cold, and cruelly. Teach her a lesson. Nice guys finish last.
  • steeveesteevee Posts: 828Registered User Member
    I think she is very clingy to you and very dependent on you. What she's doing isn't "using" you, but rather she's trying to be best friends with you (gossip, hang out frequently, etc).
  • masticore99masticore99 Posts: 231Registered User Junior Member
    maybe b/c of "mental illness?"
  • BP-TheGuy88BP-TheGuy88 Posts: 1,437Registered User Senior Member
    what mental illness does she have?
  • Andrew_VBAndrew_VB Posts: 82Registered User Junior Member
    epsilon9090: are you quoting the ladder theory?

    and if you've never seen it, though only roughly applies to this situation, check it out, everyone.

    www.laddertheory.com
  • BlahDeBlahBlahDeBlah Posts: 581Registered User Member
    Hmmm....on one hand I would say she's using the fact that you're the only person who knows about her mental illness (whatever it is) as a reason that you should excuse all the bad things that she does, always be around for her for whatever she needs, etc. She probably feels that she's very close to you because you know a lot about her (although that doesn't necessarily mean that she knows the same amount about you). Seems to be really clingy.

    On the other hand, I can imagine one of my ex-friends might have wanted to make the same post about me. She accused me of not ever doing anything for her or listening to her problems, for instance, but....she never "did" anything for me really (and I never asked her to, unless she's counting "lets hang out for a few hours next weekend" as doing a favor for me) and I never listened to her problems because she never told me any of her problems. Just be careful when you accuse a relationship of being one-sided, that you've actually provided opportunities for it not to be.

    She also got annoyed because I was depressed and wanted someone to talk to, and she was the only person that I could talk to, and so I'd go and im her when she would have preferred to sign off and watch tv with her boyfriend or something. This invariably had the result of making me even more depressed and is one of the reasons why she's an ex-friend. Depends on what her mental illness is as to whether she has valid reasons for her actions or not.
  • a778999a778999 Posts: 1,520Registered User Senior Member
    You really have to confront her about it to solve the problem. The best thing you can do is let her know how you really feel.
  • groovinhardgroovinhard Posts: 590Registered User Member
    That sounds like a crap situation. I don't know if she's "using" you per se. If she is "using" you, then she would butter you up when she needs you, but act mean and cold to you when she doesn't. She won't listen to your problems if you share them with her (/do/ you try to share your problems with her?). It doesn't sound like she is really all that mean to you. To me, it sounds like she's just super clingy, and super-dependent. She wants to be good friends with you, because she likes you and she thinks you understand her. But you think she's just plain annoying. And gosh, does she sound like it, especially with all that, "I am trusting you with my life" - um...wow! It's pretty selfish to put that kind of responsibility on someone.

    I think that you should confront her about it. You need to tell her that she needs to develop her own person, and not be so dependent on you; you'll be there for her, but she needs to be able to hold her own, too. Also, tell her her it's not ok to make fun of people behind their backs (or to their face, in the case of your friends!) and that her crassness makes you uncomfortable. Yeah, you don't want to hurt her feelings. But to me, this is the best way to tell somebody they need to get their act together before the camel's back breaks, etc. etc. and you can just no longer deal with her drama. Give her a chance to change. She may not realize what she's doing.

    If she doesn't make an effort to change, then you need to reevaluate how much you care about her and how much you think she cares about you. Don't just listen to your friends. Go with what you feel. And if it comes down to it, tell her straight up you can't be her friend anymore.

    Honesty and openness is always the best policy. People's feelings /really/ get hurt when you let things boil up inside you without telling her, and then explode and/or give her the cold shoulder while she is left confused about what happened.
  • GoldShadowGoldShadow Posts: 6,160Registered User Senior Member
    My God if it's that much of a problem just say "no" and be done with the whole friendship. You said you don't even really "click".
  • 'tisthetruth'tisthetruth Posts: 865. Member
    That would be heartless, GoldShadow.
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