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What to do about boyfriend and going to college

jumpergirljumpergirl Posts: 12Registered User New Member
edited October 2010 in College Life
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 1 1/2 years at the moment and I am a senior in high school. I want to go to a good state school in my state that my boyfriend will not be able to get into, so he has decided to go to the community college that is next to the college I plan on going to and transferring after he gets his AA. We will both be moving 4 hours from home (we both have cars so coming home on the weekends is easy).

The issue is, my dad has bought a 3 br condo next to the college for me to live in and rent the other rooms to whoever I want as a roommate (I will basically be managing the place), and my boyfriend and i agreed several months ago that if we can convince my parents he could pay rent and live there. I know, at least half of you are going to say I'm naive, and stupid, and it's a terrible idea. Please don't leave these comments, I will get enough from people at home. My mother already knows my intentions and does not entirely agree with them, but she knows that she has raised me to be who I am and all she can do is offer me advice and hope I am successful. My father on the other hand has already told my mother that he expects me to ask if we can live together and the answer is no, and he told her not to tell me about their conversation, she did anyway. He thinks that if we break up it will be unfair to my bf because i will have "dragged him up there," and he believes that a possible break-up will make my grades drop.

First I am going to start out by giving the reasons I think it will work against all odds (I've thought about this a lot):

-We have suffered through the best and worst in our relationship: 2 months apart during the summer, a few bad arguments that we have resolved (I hate it when people think they are the right match for someone, but they have never had a real fight and lived through it. This is important because a relationship that has never had any conflict has not been tested and is somewhat superficial), discussions about the future and the agrement that we will never leave angry.

- I also practically live at his house (I dual enroll and the community college is next to his house, so I stay there between classes). I know his habits and pet peeves and vice versa, so I don't think there will be any, but you didn't clean the kitchen, take out the garbage, etc.

- If we do break up, he was still planning on moving away from home to escape the family situation any way, and the campus is big enough that we can lose eachother, especially because we don't have the same majors.

- He has lots of friends also going to the same college so we will still have away time so we won't get sick of eachother.

- If I tell him to leave me alone so I can study, he always listens

- (A plus for my dad) He will be contributing towards the rent so my dad will make more money

- I doubt a possible break-up will distract me from my grades considering that my sophomore year of high school I went through a devastating break-up, and the way I cured my sadness was actually to work and study even harder, my grades remained straight A's.

- By no means does he expect me to be a housewife, or cook for him, or do his laundry, etc.

So, I need some advice on convincing my father (my mother won't help because she is neutral about the situation and generally hates conflict.

Second, I have been thinking about the idea that it might be better for us to live apart for the first semester, because of what so many people on these boards are saying and because it will be less strain between my father and I. I still want to move in with him though, even if I wait a few more months. How do I tell him this though? Every time I mention the possibility of us not living together, he gets incredibly sad. He doesn't protest, he just gets soo sad and I hate to see him this way. I love him so much. So how do I tell him if we end up having to live apart, without hurting him?

Please no comments about the possibility of us breaking up unless it's relevant. No, I do not believe in not having sex until marriage, and God will not effect my decision, I am agnostic. Also, Please do not tell me I am too young; I know the statistics, I know the risks, and I have accepted the possibility that our relationship may not last, although i truly hope it does. Oh, and my parents do know that I am sexually active (and I am responsible concerning those issues). I have told my mother (shes comfortable about it, as much as a mother can be anyway), and my father suspects beyond reasonable doubt and doesn't seem to mind too much.

Sorry if this was long.
Post edited by jumpergirl on
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Replies to: What to do about boyfriend and going to college

  • PhedrePhedre Posts: 304Registered User Junior Member
    Look, I am your age so I don't know much about relationships, but I know this: things do and don't work out for people of ALL ages. Maybe once you move in together it will be great, or maybe you'll break up. But the fact of the matter is, the latter situation happens to people who are 18, 30, 50 and beyond. People's relationships aren't guaranteed failure because they are becoming solidified early on. My parents were married for 21 years before they got divorced---perfect example of how longevity does not equal success. And the opposite is true. Usually I would say that you are too young to be living with your boyfriend, but the more I think about it I think that if YOU think it's a good idea and your parents allow you, you should do it. And if you can't live with him, it's better to find out now than be much more disappointed later.

    So, I wish you the best of luck and also hope your relationship continues to run as smoothly as it can. :)
  • chuychuy Posts: 3,891Registered User Senior Member
    Not taking a position on whether it is a good idea or not, it may be useless trying to get your dad to let your boyfriend move in with you if he's against it, period. That's just something some dads can't handle their 18 year old daughter doing.
  • B05T0NB05T0N Posts: 945- Member
    Boy, would that be awkward if they lived together and broke up.
  • mathwizmathwiz Posts: 2,355Registered User Senior Member
    It seems that you have already made up your mind no matter how many of us tell you not to, so what are you doing here?
  • Relentless355Relentless355 Posts: 238Registered User Junior Member
    ^ She wants to know how to convince her father that it is a good idea: "So, I need some advice on convincing my father..."

    Those reasons will definitely not cut it when speaking to your parents; they sound (if I may be frank, like your parents will be) juvenile and naive. For instance, saying that you went through the "worst of your relationship" and then listing that you had a "few bad arguments" and that you were apart for a couple of months is almost contradictory. I thought you would bring up drug addiction or affairs or something when you mentioned the worst of your relationship, not a few bad days.

    If I were you, I'd just tell my parents upfront how I felt. That's really all you can do; parents are smart people and can see passed sketchy reasoning. Since they are (I assume) still funding your life, it's pretty much their rules. If they say no then he can live somewhere else and you two can still meet and date and whatever. It's not the end of the world if he gets an apartment a block away for a few months.
  • jumpergirljumpergirl Posts: 12Registered User New Member
    I know "the worst" was maybe slightly overstated, but the point is that we have had some BAD arguments, ones that would cause most people to break up, but, we recovered, and realized that petty fighting was not worth ruining our relationship. Theres, no drug addiction or affairs, but then if there was, I wouldn't want to be with him now would I?

    Also, in a six month old relationship (how long we'd been together when i left) in which you see the other person almost every other day, it is a real strain to leave the person. I did come back in two months, but it was not like during that time we talked every night to make up for it, we were completely separated because of my work. I guess the reason I added that was to point out that semesters abroad, etc. won't cause us to break up, and we can both survive well without cheating and other things that develop with distance. The time apart did kill me though, which is why i don't want him to stay behind or move farther away.

    If we broke up, he would move out, so no awkwardness there, or at least a limited amount. And, I know it's no big deal if he has to live somewhere else, but how do I convince him that it's not a big deal?
  • Track87Track87 Posts: 111Registered User Junior Member
    Look, as a guy and someone much older than you , let me give you the best advice you're going to get...I'm not here to judge you because some people are ready for a serious relationship when they are young and some are not but I don't know you so I won't presume to know enough to tell you that any of your plans are a bad idea. However, I can tell you ONE thing, do NOT, under any circumstances, let things get out of hand between you and your father, no matter what his ultimate decision is.

    You can try to convince your Dad all you want, but in the end, if he decides it makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't want the guy living there...just accept it and make the best of it.

    It's not like your boyfrined can't live anywhere else. Your parents definitely sound like they're doing everything they can to make you happy and facilitate your life as much as possible so please respect their final decisions and don't let it become a sore spot between you.

    As long as they are not trying to overly control your life, you should allow them (especially your Dad) at least some parental decision making abilities even if you don't always agree with them.

    Whatever happens between you and your boyfriend, remember that no one you ever know will truly have your best interests at heart and always try to be there for you in good times and bad like your Mom and Dad. Not all folks are like that, obviously, some parents are downright nightmares but your situation certainly doesn't sound like that.

    In the end, a guy you have been with for less than two years is certainly not worth disrespecting your Father or getting into a heated argument with him...I'm not saying you will do any of these things, i'm just advising you to not allow this thing to turn into a big deal. If your folks say "no", respect that and help your BF find another place close by to live.

    Good luck.
  • PearlinthemistPearlinthemist Posts: 697Registered User Member
    Parent's can be irrational and even hypocritical. Some don't really want to think about their child growing up & doing adult things (like living together, sex, marriage, etc).

    My father for instance has been living overseas with his girlfriend for 3 years, and they only knew each other 6 months through phone conversations before moving in together. My boyfriend of 1.5 years got a job near my apartment so he moved in with me. I didn't tell my father until 3 months later because I knew he'd object. As I suspected, my father doesn't support our decision to live together because "only married couples should live together". Luckily for me though, I'm a few years older than you (in grad school) and am fully funding myself so I don't have to listen to his hypocritical ranting.

    Since it is your father's condo that you will be living in, he does (unfortunately) have a say in who is living there. Get a clear idea of roommate requirements from him (like do they have to be female, non smokers, no pets, etc). If he doesn't say they have to be female, then ask if your boyfriend can rent his own room. If your dad wants to keep it all female, then respect that & help your bf find a nice place nearby.

    Or if you want to blatantly lie & make your dad angry:
    How often will your dad be visiting you in his condo? How much will he really know about your roommates? Can your boyfriend have a shared room with someone else? (and then you neglect to tell your father about your bf living there & only mention the other guy?)
  • Central PerkyCentral Perky Posts: 918Registered User Member
    Forgive this judgment, but I am going to be honest. I realize that you "love" your boyfriend. You want to spend as much time with him as possible. Honestly though, do you have to live with him??? It sounds like you want a convenient way to have sex with him whenever you please. If I was your father and I owned the condo, I would definitely not let you live with your BF.
  • eyeCU10eyeCU10 Posts: 29Registered User New Member
    It's hard to give advice on this one because we don't know what kind of person your father is or what relationship you two have with each other.

    1) Tell him your bf's just going to move into a place that's really closeby anyway if he's not allowed to move into the condo with you.
    2) Bring your bf over to your house a lot and let the him and your dad get to know each other really well, if they're not already close.
    3) Tell your dad you two will follow whatever rules he wants as long as you 2 can live together. Make suggestions, like "I'll call every night" or "I'll promise to keep a 3.5 gpa" or "My bf will take care of facilities and do all the house repairs."
    4) tell him to sell the condo and offer to find your own place with your bf and pay full rent without his help (probably won't go for this one)

    I think your dad's just trying to protect you. You'll have to legitimately prove to him that the situation will be better if you can live with your boyfriend. "Because he makes me happy" won't cut it. Good luck! Five months ago I broke up with my bf of 3.5 years. Even though things didn't work out, I still wish I could have had the opportunity to live with him when we were still together. I know how you feel.
  • mikemacmikemac Posts: 6,834Registered User Senior Member
    Every time I mention the possibility of us not living together, he gets incredibly sad. He doesn't protest, he just gets soo sad and I hate to see him this way. I love him so much. So how do I tell him if we end up having to live apart, without hurting him?
    A measure of maturity is the ability to deal with the inevitable disappointments life is going to bring all of us. I realize you don't want to inflict pain on your BF if you can avoid it, of course, and if you do you want to break the news gently. However you say it, though, telling him that you can't live together is going to hurt. If he's mature enough for a serious relationship, then he's mature enough to handle this and move on.
    We have suffered through the best and worst in our relationship: 2 months apart during the summer, a few bad arguments that we have resolved (I hate it when people think they are the right match for someone, but they have never had a real fight and lived through it.
    Look, compared to other HS couples this may be true; but trust me, you haven't seen "the best and worst" as you put it. In the larger world "best and worst" includes being diagnosed with cancer, serious illness in or even losing a child, loss of a job and serious financial difficulties, a job that requires you to move to a different city, the list goes on and on. And marriages founder in the face of such difficulties. I don't know how you'd fare in a serious crisis as a couple; I hope you'd pull thru it, but I hope you recognize you haven't really been tested.

    As to the condo, my advice is to live together but not rent him a room! Here's why. As much in love as you are today, things change. Maybe at State you end up meeting some guy thats even more charming than the current BF and just as loveable. I know today you're 100% certain this will never happen, but you have to admit the pool of men you meet at your HS is much smaller than the pool at State. Or maybe it turns out that BF is just going to the CC to stay with you and has no real interest in getting a 4-year degree and you decide to end the relationship. Or maybe BF meets some girl and decides to break up. The point is that if you're renting out a room to him he's entitled to stay in the room he rents. Renting makes you a landlord; as a landlord, you can't simply kick him out if he decides not to go. How are you going to feel if BF is bringing over some other girl to his room and you see her every morning at breakfast? Or if you decide things are over and he says "ok, but I'm staying"? Sure, right now its easy to agree that if things go south he'll just pack up his bags and go; everyone's agreeable when they're in love. But if you look at the bitterness and vindictiveness that comes out in divorces, are you so sure the same things won't happen if you two break up?
  • Central PerkyCentral Perky Posts: 918Registered User Member
    Track87 and mikemac, that was good advice. eyeCU10, you made a very ridiculous comment. The last thing she wants to do is bring the guy who is sleeping with her before marriage and present him to her father. Dad's don't mesh well with that kind of thing.
  • jumpergirljumpergirl Posts: 12Registered User New Member
    Central Perky, just to let you know, my father loves my boyfriend and thinks he's a wonderful guy, "the nicest one I've ever brought home" (not just my two previous boyfriends, but every guy friend I have) as he said. Also, this is not a way for me to make sex more convenient. It has nothing to do with sex. It has to do with moving my relationship a step further with the person I love so we can be closer together, and also have you ever slept with the person of your dreams? I'm not talking about sex, I mean sharing a bed with him for a full night and waking up with him right next to you to hold you and make you feel like the luckiest person alive. This is what I love, and it has nothing to do with "making sex more convenient." That seems to be some generalized idea you have about high school relationships. Contrary to what you believe, it isn't all about sex with every relationship, and not every high school kid acts like a rabbit.

    Thanks for the comment about him possibly not wanting to leave mikemac. I never thought about that. I did correct myself on the "best and worst" thing though. I know I exaggerated, I was just trying to point out that it's not a superficial relationship that will break up over a petty fight or distance like many classic high school relationships do.
  • eyeCU10eyeCU10 Posts: 29Registered User New Member
    Central Perky, I think you are ridiculous in thinking that father and boyfriend had never met before. Even more ridiculous is that you would tell OP how you would act if you were her father (very constructive). But what tops that is the assumption that people who want to live together just wanna hump all day.
  • citygirlsmomcitygirlsmom Posts: 13,158- Senior Member
    I think the likelyhood that you WON"T last will be increased because you will be living together

    Seems you want all the perks of being an independent adult without the responsibility

    If you were MY kid, I would say, my house, I pick the roommates, or at least approve them

    Now, some things to ponder:

    What if he goes out with the boys and comes home LATE, as is a normal college thing to do...will that be okay with you
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