What to Say (or NOT) to a Roomie-to-Be

Sally_Rubenstone · 07-17-2008, 01:02 PM

For years, the Stanford application has asked candidates to write a letter to a prospective roommate. Savvy students are sure to project an image that is open-minded and welcoming ("I'm so thrilled that you come from a country I've never heard of!") and to avoid revealing traits that admission officers might scorn ("I never leave home without my Lysol!").

But in real life, roomies-to-be are not always so delicate or diplomatic. One young woman in my orbit recently received a warning from her pending roommate that said, "I hope you don't expect to entertain friends in our room; that's what the common room is for." A different young woman, on the other hand, got an effusive note that proclaimed, "I'm excited that I'll be living with another drummer!"

So here's my question ...

What sorts of things should intro messages to new roommates include? And what should they avoid? Is it best to state preferences (and peculiarities) right up front, even if these may not be well received?

olgita · 07-17-2008, 01:34 PM

"I hope you don't expect to entertain friends in our room; that's what the common room is for."

XD I would say, "Yes. For you. When I'm 'entertaining' friends."

Sally_Rubenstone · 07-17-2008, 01:40 PM

I can see that you and your roomie must've hit it off just great.

At least I hope you let her take your popcorn popper and bunny slippers into the common room when you exile her.

Lumine · 07-17-2008, 03:29 PM

In a VERY first message, I would just to a kind "hello" type thing. After he/she responds, I would state my preferences in a kind, respectful way. And ask for theirs as well. In my opinion, getting the basics out in the open before you're actually living together is a very, very good idea; but it's just as important to show yourself in a good light.

But then again, maybe I should advise people to simply say what they think is best. After all, your roommate should know what they're getting into and if you're someone who thinks it's okay to be disrespectful, they should know that.

olgita · 07-17-2008, 03:38 PM

I think I'll leave all the serious preference business until we actually get there. At first, I'd want to learn more about her - not about how often she showers.

HisGraceFillsMe · 07-17-2008, 03:44 PM

^I'm doing the same. The first time, she messaged me on Facebook and said "Hi, I'm ___. I think you're going to be my roommate at SSU."

I messaged back and said "Hi ____, I'm HGFM." and then I told her a little about myself and ended with "It's so nice to hear from you!"

We messaged back and forth a few times, and then talked on IM a few times, but we haven't really gotten down to "business" yet. But I have a feeling everything will work out when we get there. I will, however, have no problem being up front if she does something I don't like (not really minor things, though...more stuff that could lose both of us our housing).

salamander · 07-17-2008, 04:48 PM

I wouldn't start rattling off preferences in my first phone call/e-mail/Facebook message/whatever to my roommate- that seems like it could provoke defensiveness and animosity right off the bat. I'll probably just start off by saying something like "Hi, new roomie! I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you!" I think it would be best to start off by just chatting- getting to know each other, trying to find common interests, forming a friendly relationship right off the bat. Once we're a little more comfortable with talking to each other, I'd start bringing up room preferences, as well as how to split the expenses of dorm furniture. It seems like it'd be a good idea to work out compromises on necessary things before it's ever a real problem, but I just don't want to start off by saying something like "Well, if you ever come back totally wasted and expect me to clean up your puke, we're gonna have some problems."

Of course, I'm still about two weeks away from even finding out who my roommate is, so obviously I'm not the expert here. =P

lethargytm · 07-17-2008, 04:52 PM

tell them "hey i just saw a picture of you on facebook and i think you look like a total ****** bag ****. i hope you are nice or i will steal all your things. i'm SO EXCITED!!!!"

OKgirl · 07-17-2008, 04:57 PM

^don't forget to say "Since your so ugly I bet I won't have to worry about you bringing guys back, so we won't even have to talk about that."

Just introduce yourself. Tell them where you are from. What you like doing (keep it PG rated for now). How excited you are.

Here's how mine went:
Hey Mandy, my name is Mandy and I'll be your roommate this fall. I bet we won't have a hard time remembering each other's names! I'm really looking forward to it! My major is pre-pharmacy, so I am a bit of a nerd, but I still like having fun. I pretty girly and I love baking things. I listen to just about every type of music and I'm not hard to get along with. I'd love to hear back from you sometime. If you want you can call or text me at xxx-xxx-xxxx.

She responded with her name, state, interests, musical tastes, clubs she intends on joining, and why she chose the school. Then she called like 12 hours later before I even read it.

Patsygirl · 07-17-2008, 05:25 PM

my roomie and i talked for awhile online and got ot know some stuff about each other. then we played a questions game lol she asked me a roomie type question and i answered it and then i asked her one. we started off with your typical 'neat/messy?' and then as we talked more and more we got into whether we minded having friends, what we could do about bfs, and stuff like that. Starting out openly like that seems like a good way to begin, but just take it gradually

lethargytm · 07-17-2008, 05:34 PM

i knew from the start my roommate was going to be a ****** bag. it turned out to be true and everyone in my hall hated him. i was nice to him though.

visionquest09 · 07-17-2008, 05:42 PM

one thing not to say is if you email them and talk and get to know each other and you first see him/her "your not as pretty as I thought you would be"

lethargytm · 07-17-2008, 05:44 PM

or when you meet them, and its a girl, and say oh when are you due?

visionquest09 · 07-17-2008, 05:53 PM

^^^^ha ha i was thinking something like that

i already had experience with room mates becuase i travel to alot of places with my sport, and 20 days with a roomie at my states governor school.

My usual thing is "hi im so and so, i dont care what happens just dont mess with my stuff and we will get along" worked out pretty well

leah377 · 07-17-2008, 06:15 PM

haha on our roommate contract, my roomie and i pretty much just wrote, "no judgement."