90,000 in debt- is it worth it? - Page 3

lerkin · 10-21-2012, 09:20 AM

Op,

As mom2ck said, there is no reason to come out while you are away in college. Only come out when you are ready: both emotionally and financially. If you are open to continue relationship with your parents, you are not using them or their money. If after you come out, your parents decide to disown you, it is going to be on them, not on you.

Besides, you never know, your parents might surprise you. Dick Chenney, the family values guy, openly shows love and support to his lesbian daughter. It is one thing to oppose something in theory, it is absolutely different when you put a human face on the situation. If you delay coming-out, your parents might develop suspicions, so it might not be such a shock to them and they might be more accepting.

Good luck.

FourFive · 10-21-2012, 11:16 AM

I am a long-time lurker but I wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

There are scholarships for gay students, especially those who have been marginalized or abandoned by their families. Google scholarships for gay students. (This is assuming you are indeed gay, and the issue is your family finding out.)

Here is one link to help get you started, but do look for others as well.
Home - Point Foundation

Concentrate on raising your grades and scores to make yourself competitive. A good exit strategy requires forethought and planning.

mom2collegekids · 10-21-2012, 02:12 PM

I agree that you don't have to tell your parents anything...and frankly, you don't have to be that far away from home to keep things private. Once a student is a couple of hours away, parents really lose a lot of contact, info, etc. And, it's not like they can just barge into your dorm. Dorms have security measures.

Keep your Facebook private, etc, go about your business, etc. Frankly, if you're doing well in school, they'll probably just assume that you're busy with your studies.

cptofthehouse · 10-21-2012, 02:24 PM

If you truly know that your parents are going to do something abusive to you (and even that isn't 100%, you realize), but if you feel this is not something you can deal with now, you should be looking for some ways to become independent. When you graduate, you need a job and place to live away from your parents. You will be an adult or soon to be one. There is no pressing reason for you to go to college right away. A lot of people do not. You can work at getting yourself on firm footing and as time goes on, look into taking advancement courses, maybe college course, maybe somthing technical. But right now college does not look like something that is a priority.

You see, the way the system is set up here, it is your parents; perogative to pay for college. It's one of the choices they have. Just like they can pay to send you to private school or boarding school. Once you are out of highschool and age 18, they do not have to take care of you , food, room, clothes sort of thing anymore either. And they cannot force you to stick around either. You either enter into some mutally agreeable relationship, or you leave and do what you please, but that includes paying for what you need in life. Yes, "going a way to colllege will slove many, many of " your problems, because that means someone, or some organization is GIVING you a boat load of money instead of you having to pay for your life yourself. So, yes, it is a privilege and luxury. But the list of those who are willing to do this starts with your parents. The colleges themselves will pay at time if you are someone particularly desirable. They call it giving scholarships. Other wise you have to come up with the money and if you cannot, they you need to earn it if you don't have someone who will sponsor you. Those people are parents, and if yours won't, then you gotta grow up that muct faster and get on your own two feet.

cptofthehouse · 10-21-2012, 02:35 PM

You don't have to worry about the $90K of debt, by the way, as you aren't going ot get that kind of money for UG. Any loans would have to have a co signer willing to have that loan on his/her currently decent credit history and be equally liable for paying it, sometimes even if you die. In most cases, only a parent would do that.

mom2collegekids · 10-23-2012, 08:15 AM

Once you're an adult, you're parents may be more accepting. Right now you're a kids so they may seem to be more involved in knowing what you're doing and needing their approval.

bbccpp · 10-23-2012, 09:23 AM

I think that you need to separate your problems and also to prioritize them. I agree with the poster who implied that from your posts you may be saying that you are gay and that your parents are unaware. That would seem to be by far the biggest problem if so.

If you feel that you are physically unsafe then you should notify police or other similar authority because physical safety is always first. ( also if you think you might want to hurt someone else , same thing).

I must admit that I was surprised to learn here VM -- Counseling Gay and Questioning Minors about Coming Out, Aug 10 ... Virtual Mentor what i read. As a parent the part about safety is unfathomable.

The question about 90000 is inconsequential, but I would say that I think if you clear things up then you would not feel the need to leave NJ. If your parents have a history of violence then I might reconsider that statement. However I don't think you want high debt regardless.

Good Luck mw531

somemom · 10-23-2012, 12:26 PM

You might move to a new state, your new chosen home, work and support yourself, establish residency there and then apply to state schools, possibly community college first, and at least pay in state rates and qualify for any in state financial aid.

cptofthehouse · 10-23-2012, 12:35 PM

Your main problem is not college. College is not the answer to problems one has with ones problems because the very institution depends on PARENTS to pay for the experience. If you don't have parents that are willing, able, reliable to do all of this FOR WHATEVER REASON, your first priority is to get yourself independent of them. And you dont do that by going to college since the parents are the first line of payment for that. You make a life for yourself until age 24 and then you don't have to deal with their financials for college.

The reason so many people get the idea that college is the big way out from parents is because of the big MYTHS that there is all this money out there to pay for college which is one big fat lie. If you are an upper echelon student with some skills and attributes that can win a full ride from a college, good for you, but that is rare. Very rare. The other reason is that PARENTS usually use college as a buffer zone fof their kids entry into the adult world. They subsidize this weaning. IF your parents or any parents don't want to do this or can't, that's the end of that. This is a PARENT's option not a right a young adult has.

The facts are that most college students are in their mid or late 20s or older, and are working, going to school part time and paying for their own college. It is the select, privileged few that get the whole college experience paid for and given to them by parents. If you are not in that latter category, you had better start learning how to be in the first.

sarahchristine · 10-27-2012, 03:28 PM

Have you considered taking a gap year? Move to a new state that has public universities that you like. Get a job to save money/pay rent on a cheap apartment or something. Enroll in a local CC as soon as you meet the residency requirements, then transfer into a state school when you've finished taking Gen Ed classes. It would be significantly cheaper, aka much more realistic loans, and you would still be away from your parents.