NikkiiL

I agree with both of you, thumper and kelsmom. We may not always hear the complete situation on here...but I do hear these step-parent financial complaints all the time...and I am just plain sick and tired of the complaining. I don't understand why something like this isn't discussed before hte marriage. Having two children of my own, I know that this would be of concern to me if I divorced and was looking to remarry. That man would have to be willing to treat my children like they were his own, or he would be sent packing.

ray2070

I would ask my bio father to help with the costs, but I have no idea where he is. My mother immigrated to this country late in her life, so she's not familiar with how other american households are. My stepfather(who went to highschool here) has convinced my mother that they don't have any money to spare(even though he makes over 100k/yr) in case he loses his job or something. Plus, she's convinced that parents shouldn't spend their lifesavings for their children's education or even take loans for them. They wouldn't even let me get a car because my stepdad refused to add me to his insurance plan or take any responsibility. It's not against the law for him not to pay for college, so I can't do anything about it. My stepfather keeps telling me I should've applied to a state school or settle for jc, but I just ignore him. Do any of you know around how much loans I would be allowed to get? I've applied to the top 5 UC's and I could probably compile $8000 from job savings and 1-2000 from local scholarships. Some of my relatives said they would help, but I would imagine that they couldn't help that much. I'm not worrying about getting in though because I have ELC and could get into davis as a last resort. any advice? Thanks

thumper1

>>keeps telling me I should've applied to a state school>>

Are you an instate resident for the UC's? If so, those ARE state schools.

You will be able to take out the Stafford loans in your own name. To be honest, any college loans beyond those will need to be co-signed by someone with some collateral.

Your parents aren't the only ones who are worried about spending large sums of money in this economy. Even if your bio parents were married...there is nothing that mandates that they pay for your college education. Colleges EXPECT a family contribution...but there is no law that say folks are required to pay.

Good luck to you if you are instate for the UCs. They are great schools and for instate students are a real bargain.

ray2070

By state school, I meant cal state. Not that they're bad, I just had my eyes set on the UC's. Honestly, I don't think he would help pay even if he made twice as much. I saved up some $140 and spent my entire winter break writing my essays and the apps for Cornell and Carnegie Mellon. The result: The day I turned in my apps, I ask him to send in the tax forms for the college's finaid app, but he refused to do it. he said they were too expensive and told me wouldn't even let me try. Also, I'm 17 and he doesn't trust me to the point where he still won't give me the house key or the mailbox key (new houses in our neighborhood have grouped mailboxes). The only consolidation is that once I graduate from college, I'll be able to say that I did it without him.

kayf

Nikkil, I agree, parents should discuss college costs before marriage. Many stepparents complain -- everyone can get loans, the stepchildren dont study, etc. Some of them make a million excuses.

lje62

" Quite honestly, I cannot understand how a person can marry into a premade family and expect to not contribute to the child's well-being. One doesn't just marry the adult, they are also "marrying" the children. I am sooo sick of seeing threads about step-parents who refuse to help support the children they chose to take on. Its absurd!! "


This is something that has affeced my two children from my previous marraige. It is not my husband and their step-father who refuses to pay anything for them but my ex's wife.

She doesn't feel that " her " money should pay for anything for his kids.
It turned ugly and really did some damage with our girl's relationships with their dad, as well as my ex's family's relationship with his wife.

To the OP I agree with he advice presented here. I would ask the colleges tha your son is inerested in attending what forms they require for their financial aid.

Some use non-custodial parent forms which can make it difficult for your child to get much in aid.
This was a major factor in our 2nd daughter's application process...we stayed away from schools that use a lot forms to determine eligibilty.

cptofthehouse

College costs and how much the family should pay are a big item of dispute in many families where both parents raised the child. It is a point in contention in many families where other things are harmonious. There is no surprise that it can be an issue for a step parent.

Ideally, before two people get married, finances should be discussed and planned. If there are already children involved, it becomes more complex. College is a big financial item and should be discussed. Should it be a deal breaker if a person does not want to pay more than $X towards college? I don't know. Individual choice.

More often, the issue does not come up. It is in the future and who knows what it will bring, it isn't on the list of immediate issues, it doesn't occur to the couple. So it comes down to college time and there is disagreement on who should pay what. With colleges firmly saying that stepparents are on the hook. That is just the way it is regardless of what anyone's opinion of that stance.

To the OP: Ask your step parent to fill out the FAFSA and other forms, because even if your family is not eligible for financial aid, it makes you eligible for the unsubsidized Stafford loan which is one of the few loans available to students without a co signer. You need to discuss with your parents what funds are available for college. This is a discussion that is important in any, every family. You are constrained by what your parents including step parents are willing to pay, and what you can come up with yourself if you do not get financial or merit money.

ray2070

I already asked him to fill out the FAFSA. He says he's not in the mood right now because I'm not polite enough. I think he'll do it eventually though. In the meantime, I'll just fill out everything except for the parent part.

DaveA

RAY2070 - Your posts struck a cord with me. I have a son in the UC system and we have been paying out-of-state costs for 2.5 years. These costs are 2x what our in-state costs are and I can't see any evidence that his education is really any different from what he would receive back home. Your Step-Dad is simply trying to coach you as to the cost-benefit of what you are doing. Would you pay twice as much for an iPOD from California than you would pay for one in your home state? Sure the UC schools sound and look great, but it's the education you are paying for. I'd bet that he will be a lot more helpful and supportive if you would cut down the cost of your plan.

Don't do what I let happen. We hoped that student jobs and/or investments would help pay for this higher UC cost. Now he's a Junior and as his college fund is dry he needs to pack up and come home due to finances. It's much better to start with an instate school or JC and then transfer to the school of your dreams for Junior/Senior year than the other way around. A couple of years living at home and paying lower costs can really help with the finances!

DaveA

RAY2070 - One more thing, Davis costs ~$45,000 per year for out of state (I know from personal experience). It's truly great that you have $8,000 to contribute and I understand that there are loans available. You should figure out how much you'll owe in loans if you go the UC route versus how much you will make in your chosen profession. Paying back $100K or more in loans with simply an undergraduate degree will be a tall order.

step-dad1

To NikkiiL, kelsmom, thumper1, kayf, lje62, and all of you who think marrying someone with children should automatically mean you help put those children through college, I say why?

I have 2 step-children who will turn 17, and 19 this year, and the first will be starting college in the fall. My wife and I have been married 2 years.

Why should I have to help pay for college that my wife and her ex did absolutely nothing to plan for, for the last 18 years? To address lje62, it's not that i don't expect to contribute to thier well being; I help make sure they have food, clothing, a roof over thier head, they're both insured on both our cars, and I got them cell phones, which they didn't have when I met their mother. I help make sure they continue living in one of the best school districts in the area.

They were living with thier mother and I, they're now living with thier father. We all three have above average incomes. I get no say in how the kids are raised, or whether or not their grandparents bought them cars, or whether they are asked to pay for anything themselves, or are asked to be responsible for anything, or whether they're expected to do anything around the house, or whether their are any consequences for not doing things they should.

Why should I have to pay college for 2 kids who I get no say in the parenting of? Why should I have to work to put 2 kids through college, who aren't willing to work for it themselves?

Taking care of their well being, is making sure they have all the necessities, college is not a necessity, it's a luxury. I haven't been able to afford to finish supplying myself that luxury, and we are still working on finishing paying my wife's student loans, and all of you think I should put my financial future in jeopardy to put 2 people through college who are only going because it's the expected thing now?

sueinphilly

it's the government's formula. The assumption being that YOUR income will allow to spend more of HER income to pay for college. If your wife is not working and has no savings or other income, that is a problem,

Had you known your data would be used in financial aid formulas you could have made the choice NOT to marry. A lot of people do that.

kelsmom

To add to that ... if the parent and the new spouse have agreed that the spouse should stay home, the new spouse needs to understand that he/she needs to support the stepchild's schooling!

**********

That is my comment, and I am sticking to it. Choices are made in life, and every choice has its own set of consequences. If mom chooses to stay home, that is fine. Just don't expect anyone else to pay for college if mom's FAMILY income is such that she *could* afford to pay for her childrens' education. There are affordable alternatives if the step-father chooses not to spend his money that way. No one is keeping the kids from going to school.

kayf

Stepdad, I dont think I said a stepparent should automatically pay. What I have said is:

1. Both bio parents should contribute, based on ability. Courts should mandate this as part of divorce decree. In Kayf world, courts would be reasonable -- one can provide each parent agrees to pay 1/2 of state school cost, more if either parent makes lots.

2. Steps should realized that the feds look at their income -- and carefully plan.

And I agree, in evaluating bioparents ability to pay, if bioparent is now having family expenses subsidized by step, bioparent has more ability to pay.

What I dont think is fair is that children of divorced families are less likely to further their education than children of intact families.

thumper1

I never said the step parent should pay for college for the step kids. I DID, however, note that the step parent IS contributing to the household expenses for the family. Presumably the bio parent and the step kids are benefiting from this. And if the bio parent is gaining housing costs, utilities, food, clothing , etc., perhaps it might free up THAT bio parent's income/assets to pay the college expenses for their children.

The reality is that when you marry, you become a member of the FAMILY. EFC is an expected FAMILY contribution. But there is no law anywhere that requires that any bio parent or stepparent pay for college costs. However it is an expectation in the financial aid computation formulas.