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Funny Valedictorian Speeches - Please, do tell.

LondonGentlemanLondonGentleman Posts: 306Registered User Junior Member
edited May 2011 in High School Life
Share your experiences with hearing or writing humorous valedictorian/salutatorian speeches.
I need some inspiration :)
Post edited by LondonGentleman on
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Replies to: Funny Valedictorian Speeches - Please, do tell.

  • 609Represent609Represent Posts: 1,045- Senior Member
    dis elitist over hurrrr

    anyway, I'm not going to speak at my graduation as a val or sal, but a class president lol.
  • JoJoBearJoJoBear Posts: 198Registered User Junior Member
    Walk slowly up to the podium. Set your papers down in front of you, and pretend to organize them. Sigh softly, and stare into your papers as if you are reading.
    After a bit, look up at the audience. Make eye contact with everyone as you scan the room.

    Then, with a deep breath, you begin.

    "...My fellow Americans..."
  • LulliesLullies Posts: 761Registered User Junior Member
    "As I take off my wizard robe and hat......"
  • LondonGentlemanLondonGentleman Posts: 306Registered User Junior Member
    Hahaha JoJoBear... that would be awesome.
  • fungusmaximusfungusmaximus Posts: 80Registered User New Member
    *I couldn't stop laughing*
  • yourskyyoursky Posts: 711Registered User Junior Member
    is your graduation on a friday?
  • apn00bapn00b Posts: 710Registered User Member
    Every day is Friday.
  • LondonGentlemanLondonGentleman Posts: 306Registered User Junior Member
    Naw, I graduate this Sunday. I was instructed to talk about "the future."
  • redguard117redguard117 Posts: 113Registered User Junior Member
    hahaha JoeBear, the funny thing is one of my friends recently did an on-show performance (he was MLK) but everyone thought he was playing Obama. He was literally indistinguishable
  • Kjohnson1Kjohnson1 Posts: 4Registered User New Member
  • kenzie1992kenzie1992 Posts: 1,003Registered User Member
    We don't rank but we have a student-selected and a teacher-selected speaker every year and last year the student-selected speaker worked in as many incredibly sexual internet memes as possible, which all just flew over the adults' heads.

    He told the audience to "shake that bear" of a life.
  • plue00plue00 Posts: 668Registered User Member
    One of the sals in running last year was banned from giving his speech. It was hilarious.

    It went something like "When you receive your diploma case, make sure you know its pretty heavy as it's filled with all the souls of your classmates that didn't graduate."

    Then it went on about Pokemon and other stuff. It was a really good, too bad the administrators didn't want to give him the sal award (even though he had the second highest GPA) as they thought the sal should be a black girl for diversity... They didn't want another Asian/White to be giving a speech.
  • hananahanana Posts: 2,312Registered User Senior Member
    Then it went on about Pokemon and other stuff. It was a really good, too bad the administrators didn't want to give him the sal award (even though he had the second highest GPA) as they thought the sal should be a black girl for diversity... They didn't want another Asian/White to be giving a speech.
    Lol, corrupted school systems.
  • BillyMcBillyMc Posts: 7,753. Senior Member
    Naw, I graduate this Sunday. I was instructed to talk about "the future."
    Start with vague references and then make it increasingly clear that you are talking about the Revolution.
  • atomomatomom Posts: 3,449Registered User Senior Member
    Not a valedictorian speech, but I thought this one was excellent:

    The Commencement Address You’ll Never Hear
    Matt Keenan COMMENTARY - Kansas City Star

    This is the time of year where 18-year-olds sit through long lectures delivered by school board presidents and the like. Officially, it’s “high school graduation.” Unofficially, it’s “death by boredom.”
    The speeches go like this: “Today you start off on a new journey, where you spread your wings, can be free as a bird and go out to change the world....” Thirty seconds later, the graduates are texting their buddies sitting two chairs away — “OMG. Wht a JK! Kll me!
    If the day ever arrives (and it never will) where I give the graduation speech, no one would be bored. They may be mad, but certainly not uninterested. And since whatever an adult tells teenagers to do, they do the opposite, maybe this is one speech that actually might influence behavior in a positive way. So here we go.
    “Grads, for the next four minutes, we’re going to make history. You’re going to hear something you haven’t heard in your 18 years. Your parents — and many others, no doubt — have told you how to succeed. The secrets to achievement. To heck with that! I’m going to tell you something very different: the secrets to failure, an eight-step program to ruin your life. If you follow these, you will be unemployed early and often, flunk out of college and lead a life of uncertainty, disappointment and misery — with the outside chance of never making it to celebrate your next birthday. So put down your phones and listen up. It could change your life.
    “First, let’s talk about funerals. At your 5-year reunion, some of you won’t be here. You’ll be deceased. You will die from something you can prevent. One word: seatbelts. The leading cause of death for teenagers is car accidents. Seat belts save lives. So don’t wear them. That way when you get in your next accident — and it may even be tonight — you will be ejected from the car and land on the pavement, face first. That’s if you’re fortunate. Others will hit things, like light poles and maybe oncoming traffic. It’s a simple thing, a life-saving thing. Seatbelts.
    “Second, cell phones. Call, text, e-mail and surf all day, every day. You won’t accomplish anything of substance, but you’ll sure feel busy. Facebook is the future. Waste time on it. Play FarmVille and pretend to be doing something constructive. Use phones around people you are trying to impress. Take calls when someone is in your presence, talking to you. And text and drive.
    “Third, don’t listen to your parents. They are old and not cool.
    “Fourth, clothes. People judge you by what you wear, so dress poorly. Sloppily. Ties are for losers who have jobs and get pay raises. Go with the open collar and show the gold chains. Your class ring defines you. Wave it around during interviews; pick your nose if necessary. Flip flops say you were born on a beach and want to work there selling inflatable giraffes to tourists at minimum wage. Bad impressions are your strong suit; exploit them.
    “Fifth, in college, skip class. Ninety percent of life is showing up, so don’t. Sleep through lectures but not the final, because your goal is to fail. And you have to be there to do that.
    “Sixth, go fake — ID, tan, laugh, hair, nails, teeth. Employers, professors, adults want genuine, sincere, authentic, real people, so be sure to disappoint them.
    “Seventh, God gave you everything you need to succeed, so please abuse it. Tattoos, piercings for openers. McDonald’s won’t hire you with piercings, so guess what other, more desirable, jobs you will be doing. Don’t forget about your brain, so rage early and often in school. Use drugs, smoke and drink a lot. Know when to say ‘one more shot, please.’
    “Eighth, faith. Who needs it? In college you’ll be way too busy sleeping to go to church like your parents always do. You know everything about everything already, so why waste time trying to talk to a higher power. Skipping church means you won’t meet other students who actually have a plan in life and are going places. Avoid winners!
    “That’s it. Now go out and fail. Spread your wings and never go anywhere. I’m counting on you!”
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