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Essay (be brutally honest)

myoliewufan1995myoliewufan1995 Posts: 209Registered User Junior Member
edited November 2012 in High School Life
So I rewrote my synthesis essay for AP Lang. Followed teacher's feedbacks and added some things to it. I also kind of copied (in my own wording) some of the things from my classmates such as the scenario in the beginning. The result, as I read it to myself, sounds more like a news article rather than a synthesis essay. So I really need you to be honest and be brutal with me so that I can get better at writing. And yes I know I have bad grammar

Imagine your child in a cold dark basement, glaring at his computer screen, never seeing the light of the day. You call him out for dinner. But he continues to stare into the screen. He forgets everything--his families, his friends, his life--because he is sucked into his own virtual world--a world in which his only goal is to slay dragons and raise to the next level.

Your child is one of many other children who are, according to nationalhealth.gov, "enticed by latest fad in the twentyfirst century"--video games. What makes this new source of entertainment so attracting? With it's compatibility to Television, computers, and hand held devices, videos games are becoming increasingly available to children at any time. "Children are playing it at home, at a doctor's appointment, and even at school!" says Cindy Walters, a mom of three boys age 5 and 8. Worried about her son's future, the concern mom adds, "it is interfering with their academics. They barely have time to care about homework anymore."
Having been a child once, I can truthfully testify to the evils of playing video games. Rushing home from school, I would throw all my homework aside, never giving it a moment's glance. I logged onto MapleStory, a fun virtual game where one can fight creatures, buy weapons, and compete with players from all around the world. I was completely mesmerized by my computer screen. As if the dancing characters on my screen were more than just pixels. I had become a mindless zombie isolated from the rest of the world. At school, I lost friendships and my teacher's admiration. At home, I ignored my family, shutting them all out from my life.

The drawbacks of playing video games are not only a social problem. We also see the effects of video games in a child's deteriorating health. "I start getting severe headaches and eye strain" ,states Raymond, a sophomore in high school, "if I wanted to see again, I had to get glasses". Raymond is an intelligent young man with a 4.0 GPA and plays sports at Central High School. But ever since his parents bought him Call Of Duty:Black Ops last Christmas, his vision started blurring. Having blurry vision was a big hassle for him. He could not see when copying down notes and homework assignments. Similarly, he could not shoot a basketball with as much accuracy and swiftness as before.

Video games are like a drug. Once you take a hit, you're immediately hooked. Likewise,the consequences of video games are far from harmless. And you, as a figure your child looks up to; as a guardian who cares for the well being of your child; as a parent and also as a teacher, shouldn't YOU do something about your child's addiction?

Have a nice day
Post edited by myoliewufan1995 on

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