My boyfriend just dumped me for a girl who HAS a boyfriend herself

MetdethGNR · 01-08-2009, 06:52 PM

So I need advice on this 'cause I don't know what to do.

I have this boyfriend (or had). We've been dating for 3 months. We are really into each other. Spend a lot of time together. Basically are into each other a lot.

But he has this friend. A girl. A very pretty girl. And he used to like her A LOT before he met me. Now they are just friends. She has another boyfriend. But still, they talk (my ex and her) all the time. They have all classes together at school, ride the same bus, and live in the same neighborhood. They always do projects together and basically talk all the time.

And it bothers me. It bothers me because I know how much he used to like her, all the things he probably fantasized about doing to her, and how much time they spent together now. And of course how pretty she is and how nice and blah blah.

So it really bothers.

And about 2 months ago I told him. I told him it made me really uncomfortable and he gave me this talk about how they are just friends and how if I kept on getting jealous, we'd have problems.

And even though it bothered me, I didn't say anything again. Mainly because I wanted to keep our relationship.

But today, I come to meet him and see that's he sitting there with her. Again. Once again. All the time. And I just get so upset. I get up and leave. Later on in the day, I see him and asked him about it. He asks "what do you want?" i say I want him to talk to her just the necessary amount. He asks what right I think I have. I say none but that the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. He asks "so you are asking me to choose between my friends or you?" which is inaccurate because im just asking me to stop being so close to his former-crush. I don't say yes or no but something else which I forgot. I then say "It's over then" and he says "fine."

And now I am really hurt because I can't believe our relationship meant so little to him. He chose to HER over me. When she has a stable boyfriend. When all he does with her is talk. When all I do is see him every weekend and every day and talk to him everyday and pretty much share my life.

And still. He chose her.

At the time same, I can't help but wonder if he's right. He said I asked him to change his life. In my eyes, I only asked him to stop doing something that makes me extremely umcomfortable. Who's right? And most importantly, what do I do? I like him a lot and I don't know if the choice I gave him was really that bad or perhaps he doesn't really care about me enough.

Poseur · 01-08-2009, 07:13 PM

I totally understand your discomfort, and talking to him about it was a good idea. I definitely think that your request was reasonable, but I can also see how he'd see it as you trying to "control" him or whatever, since people can see things differently and both have legitimate views. So although I don't think that you're in the wrong at all, if I were you I'd kinda try to swallow my pride and apologize for giving off the impression of "making him choose."

And hmm... I'm sort of into the "break" thing when things aren't going well, since that usually succeeds in patching things up (I mean, it can't do miracles, but it's not like you guys are on horrible terms; you seem to get along really well), so maybe you could talk to him about this being a sort of break, instead of a permanent "goodbye." It's give you both some breathing room, and you could reevaluate the possibility of being in a relationship again once you've both had time to cool off.

Ostonzi · 01-08-2009, 07:55 PM

ah.......lol.
HSL has turned into a relationships discussion forum.
but that makes sense, since it's "High School Life" right?

fizix2 · 01-08-2009, 08:16 PM

Once you are back together and have made the requisite apologies for breaking up with him:
1) Wait a while, at least a few weeks. The more time you allow for your relationship to heal, the more likely he is to listen to you.

2) Ask him if he has time to talk to you.

3) Make it clear you understand his point of view. "I understand you have female friends who you're very close to, and it would be unfair of me to control you or ask you to choose between us."

4) State your point. "When you talk to her, it really hurts me and makes me feel rejected and uncomfortable. I know I'm asking a lot of you and I'm sorry for putting pressure on you, but I can't help feeling this way. I realize you have the right to do whatever you want, but if you talked to her less it would make me very, very happy."

5) (Note that you are asking him to cut out one of his friends. As long as they don't do anything sexual, he does have a right to associate with anyone he chooses. Any requests that he not talk to her should be phrased as extreme favors done out of selfless concern for your feelings, because that's really what they are. If he agrees, he does it only because he loves you.)

6) If he doesn't acquiesce, you get to decide whether he's worth keeping. Maybe he doesn't care enough about your feelings for you to stay. Of course if you stay longer, he might start caring about you more because you'll be closer. So that's another judgment call. But don't decide right then because you'll probably be too angry to make a proper decision.

Penn2013 · 01-08-2009, 08:49 PM

cliffs or negs

Ivybound11 · 01-08-2009, 08:50 PM

you're right... you used to be his gf and he should care what about what bothers you and stop sitting with this girl. i'd say it's good but you still have feelings for him

yawn · 01-08-2009, 08:54 PM

Quote:

I then say "It's over then" and he says "fine."

Erm...doesn't that mean *you* dumped *him*?

Anyways, he didn't pick her as a girlfriend over you as a girlfriend. He didn't even pick her as a platonic *friend* over you as a girlfriend. He picked neither. But by telling him, "It's over then", you picked her for him.

dukebound11 · 01-08-2009, 08:54 PM

boooo (10char)

JakaAmalgam · 01-08-2009, 09:29 PM

People don't always fight back like you think they would. I'm going to suggest a separate path then the posters above me, I say if he didn't care to say anything but "fine" when you told him it's over, I'd say he's not much. Unless he's normally blunt like that, then I don't know.

I suppose it's a bit drastic to present an ultimatum like situation, but I wouldn't say you're entirely wrong that it came out like that. He should have at least acknowledged and respected your discomfort, and he never did. I'd say forget him, and if he wanted you back, he'd try. If he didn't then... well at least you dumped him.

guitarman89 · 01-09-2009, 10:28 PM

yawn - lol

schmohawk · 01-09-2009, 10:34 PM

Res ipsa loquator. You asked him to pick, and he did. It wasn't meant to be.

hopeful_gtb · 01-10-2009, 12:35 PM

think about it this way: he probably didn't really value your relationship, and frankly, do you want to be with a guy who doesn't value your relationship? i'm sorry this happened to you. at least you dumped him instead of the other way around.

Spruce · 01-10-2009, 05:36 PM

misleading title.

WishWash · 01-10-2009, 06:52 PM

I just had someting similar happen with me and my girlfriend, so I know how you feel.

Honestly, 3 months isn't that long. And think of of like this: Would you rather be single and looking for your dream guy, or with a guy that secretely hates you?

romanigypsyeyes · 01-10-2009, 07:29 PM

Ok, I am going to give you the flip view of this situation. I was like the girl who you are describing in this story. I have had a very good guy friend for quite a long time. We have classes together, we do theater together, we work together, we do outside activities together, and we do projects together. He used to like me, a lot. I also have a boyfriend that I love that I’ve been together with for nearly three years.

Anyway, at the beginning of this year, he started dating this girl. She immediately had a problem with me because I was spending so much time with her boyfriend. I thought it was funny because there has never been anything, nor would there ever be anything, between him and myself. After about a month she told him that he needed to stop spending so much time with me. He said no because we were friends long before he started going out with her, and he didn’t like me anymore, he liked her. We weren’t going to stop spending as much time together simply because she couldn’t deal with it. About a month later she broke up with him because of me. He was like “Crap, I really liked her, but I wasn’t going to chose between my friends and her. If she was going to like me, she had to like me and my friends because my friends are a part of my life. It wouldn’t even bother me if she didn’t like you for you, but she didn’t like you because I liked you a while ago. Everybody has a past.”

I don’t think you should end a relationship simply because he liked somebody before he liked you, and he is still friends with them. There is obviously a reason that they’re not in a relationship and he obviously likes you or he wouldn’t have stayed with you for three months. Just to clarify though, contrary to your title, you chose to end your relationship because of her, he didn’t dump you or chose her over you.