kelsmom

My SIL's nephew committed suicide between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was heart breaking to watch his father, especially, at the funeral. The death of a child is so very hard to deal with, and suicide is even more difficult. There is just so much "what if" and "if only." However, life is what it is ... and we cannot know what might happen when we do or say (or not do or not say) something. In the end, the brain takes over in a most illogical way, and a permanent solution to a temporary problem is the result. It is so very difficult all around.

My heart goes out to you, heavyheart. I hope you find comfort in sharing with others on this thread. You will be in my prayers.

mominva

I finally mustered the strength to read this thread.
I am so, so sorry for your loss, heavyheart.

Years ago, in my professional life, I was recommended a book The Bereaved Parent by Schiff. I believe it may be helpful to your family: Amazon.com: The Bereaved Parent (9780140050431): Harriet Sarnoff Schiff: Books

alwaysleah

I'll share a story, if it helps.

Last year, my sophomore year of high school, I experienced a depression so painful that I wanted to die. I woke up every morning wishing that it would be three again, so that I could come home and go back to bed. I did little homework, alienated my friends and family, and quit everything I had loved doing. It got to the point where I explicitly remember waking up one morning realizing that even if I got through the day until three, I would still have to wake up the next day, and the next day, and the next. The idea of living was so overwhelming that the only relief I could see was in death. I started abusing medication, not so much to die, but because I could no longer sleep, which had been my only escape. I would take three or four Benadryl to get to sleep at night, and it got progressively worse, until I was taking five at a time. All I wanted was to sleep forever so that I wouldn't have to wake up and face another day.

I'm so lucky to be alive. It took extensive therapy, inpatient treatment, and medication to get me where I am today. I didn't choose to feel that way, just as your son didn't choose his emotions. Depression is such a debilitating disease because it removes all hope and joy from life. I couldn't think of anyone else, or how I was hurting them. All I could think of, all I could feel was pain.

I'll probably be on medication on and off for my entire life, and I know I am in for a lifelong battle. I can only hope that I will be strong enough to overcome it.

Your son loved you, his friends, and his family. The disease took away his ability to see the joy in life, and he had no choice in the matter. If you can take anything from this post, please realize that it wasn't his choice to die. The disease chose for him. And please, please realize that this was not your fault, and you never did anything to cause this. Try to think of it like a cancer: an awful disease that is no one's fault at all. I wish you luck and I hope you can learn not to "get over it," but to live with it and find joy once again in your life. I am so, so sorry and you will be in my thoughts.

ebeeeee

^^alwaysleah made me tear up. Your words were so honest and true and you have given the OP a gift that most of us could not. Bless you.

vlines

same...thanks Leah

SplashMom

I couldn't agree more! Thank you so much, alwaysleah, for sharing your story with us. I wish for you continued strength in your fight against depression. I wish peace for OP and her family. I can't imagine the heartache that must come from losing a child.

spideygirl

I am very sorry for your loss - God bless you and your family. I have seen the Compassionate Friends group be a world of help to those I know who have lost children (there are so many).

Joan Didion wrote a significant book called The Year of Magical Thinking, which I highly recommend. It is about the loss of her husband, and the simultaneous near loss of her only child. Recently Blue Nights was released, about the loss of this child, and while I have not yet read it I would imagine it is a powerful book as well.

HImom

Alwaysleah, thank you for sharing your eloquent, heartfelt message with OP & all of us. It is so helpful that you are sharing your insights that others cannot know. Congratulations on being able to emerge from your depression, able to help us and OP better understand it. Wishing OP & you and all those suffering from depression the best!

MD Mom

Me too, alwaysleah. There but for the grace of God, go I.

MaineLonghorn

Leah, thank you for your post. It helps me understand a little bit better what my two sons have been going through. I now do understand that they each have an ILLNESS. At this point, they are both doing really well, thanks to medication, therapy, and a lot of family/church support. I am sharing their story with a LOT of people. I've come to realize that I need to become an advocate for the mentally ill. There is so much misunderstanding out there.

Evita, my older son has exactly what you do. He finds that writing, writing, writing really helps get his thoughts out of his head, then he can share them with his doctor and counselor. I am going to send you a PM later today.

siemom

I am terribly sorry for your unimaginable loss, but I hope you can hold in your heart the time you had with him at the end to share all your love and the enormous gift you made of his organs to help others. Please take good care of yourself.

12rmh18

HeavyHeart: I have several friends who experienced losses to suicide, including a friend who lost her/his oldest son. One thing I observed is that they still talk and tell stories about the loved ones who committed suicide. This is completely different than my family, who never talked about my grandmother who took her life. It was almost as if she did not exist, and to me, that was even more sad. I mentioned this observation to a friend who lost a spouse to suicide. She/he said that it is important to talk about the person & tell stories, because then you can remember the good as well as the bad. It's OK to laugh & tell funny stories.

A life is not defined merely by its death, but by the way in which it is lived; and to refrain from talking about a person who committed suicide is to remember them solely by their death.

I am so sorry for your loss and wish you peace & healing.

momma-three

Cupcake,
Please let me clarify what I meant in my earlier post. What I responded to was the fact that you have seen family blaming other family members for your uncles death. I thought it was tragic to hear that one sibling blamed another because your uncle was caring for his disabled son. I know that long time stress can lead to depression but what I really wanted to say was that there had to be more than stress as a cause for your uncles passing. I still don't believe that life stress in and of itself will cause someone to commit suicide. Suicide is caused by an underlying problem and feeling of intence hopelessness. When we look at what people have gone through historically we can see that people are stronger than we could imagine under some of the worst conditions known to man yet they survive. It is the the person who is suffering very often in silence with an undiagnosed mental health problem that is at risk.

Please forgive me if my post was confusing. I did not intend to sound sharp or insensitive. I was just giving my rather thoughtless opinion on how sad I thought it was that family was blaming others for something that was clearly out of the disabled sons personal control. I think it was awful that he was being blamed.

2kidsnoanswers

^^ thank you, alwaysleah, for having the courage and kindness to share your story. I am glad you are feeling better. You may not be in for a lifelong battle, and it can be exhausting to think that way. One day at a time. People my age know how much things can change over time.

evitaperon

it's always easier to talk with people who have been down that road before; how do you explain it to people who don't know what it is like? you don't want to burden or shock the uninitiated. you always have to play "closeted" games. you have to find those friends who will sympathise with you over Emily Dickinson or Sylvia Plath or those who really get those lines by Robert Frost:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

(Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village though.)

Consequently, I haven't told my family what my medication is really for, though my closest friends know -- because I'll be afraid they'll freak out and overreact.