seren50

I think the sex talk is fine, but "training" the daughter to have the talk in a diner, and then writing about it in the NY Times is not. Allegedly the girl gave the mom her loving approval to write the article, but she has many years to regret that decision.
How would most of our kids feel if we wrote about their first experiences with oral sex in the blog of a major newspaper?

myturnnow

talking with our daughters about sex, of course, healthy. speaking positively in general about sex, love, being treated well absolutely.

asking them specific questions about sexual behavior they've engaged in, inappropriate. would it be appropriate for the child to ask the parent, do you do this, that? I guess there's a gray area here, but I think this is a parent child boundary issue. my d knows I support her being on birth control and her being a sexual being, however her personal sex life is her business...just as everyone's is.

SlitheyTove

I just read the link in post #12--holy cow. I wonder if there are any other parents who don't know what classes their children are taking, but do know the details of their intimate relationships.

Maybe her daughters said that sure mom, it's fine for you to write about all of this on your blog. But the author also exposed the privacy of her older daughter's best friend, writing about how the young woman had a pregnancy scare and did a pregnancy test at their house. I can just imagine how the young woman reacted to reading that. Not to mention how the young woman's parents reacted.

She also violated the privacy of her older daughter's boyfriend. He might even see what the author wrote as humiliating. How is that going to affect his relationship with the young woman? Did the mom also "train" her daughter to expect that her romantic partners should be just fine with the daughter discussing them and all details of their relationships with the mom?

Can you imagine having her as a mother-in-law? Ugh, ugh, ugh.

whatever4

suzy100, I don't have a problem with the mother having that talk with her daughter. I have a problem with the mother having that talk with the daughter, then spilling EXPLICIT details of the 17-YEAR-OLD daughter's sex life (and the boyfriend's, and the girl's friend's pregnancy scare) in the New York Times, THEN criticizing other parents for being too involved in their kids' lives. (And whether the daughter gave permission or not, a 17-year-old's privacy was violated in a very disturbing and voyeuristic manner BY THE MOTHER, as was the girl's boyfriend's privacy.)

suzy100

I absolutely agree that writing on a public forum about the things she discussed with her daughter is a problem, and I'd never do it. I also agree that there were privacy violations concerning the daughter's boyfriend and her friend who had the pregnancy scare. I just don't think the conversation itself was a bad thing.

zoosermom

I just read it and, frankly, it reads like porn. I wonder how much of it is true.

fauve

The writer and her daughters have absolutely no idea about an actual "separation". The daughters know their parent(s) are within throwing distance at all times, even as they play at independence.

Her daughters also have the comfortable position of knowing mom is part of the administration, and that any departmental or bureaucratic problem they have can be answered, or solved, by mom or informed staff.

The mother has never experienced learning her daughter is in a distant hospital or too ill in a dorm room to even walk to the health center. Nor have the students likely ever had to pack up a dorm room alone, and move it all into summer storage on their own, while studying for exams at year end.

Her daughters have never felt the blue chill of needing an hour and a hug with mom to discuss a failed relationship or low grade, and having to settle for a long distance calls, until the term is over.

It is easy to claim she, the writer, has cut the apron strings, when really, her kids are still in the apron pockets, out of sight but still attached at the hip.

frazzled1

The Times Motherlode article - *shudder.* There is nothing that a woman with so little respect for the privacy of her daughter, or her daughter's friends, can teach me about parenting. Where are her boundaries? Those are handy things for parents of older kids to have.

I don't know ANYONE in real life who could have written this. And I thought I knew mothers with boundary issues!

scout59

Conversation is never bad. Regurgitating that conversation in my blog in the New York Times IS bad.

I would have been furious if I were the boyfirend or the scared-I-might-be-pregnant best friend.

fauve

The mother is obviously more interested in publishing articles than keeping boundaries of privacy and respect towards her daughters. Clearly she has no idea how the girls may be stigmatized or judged by her fellow students. (Imagine immature drunken frat boy types and evangelical types...shudder.)

TMI, mom, TMpublicI.

starbright

Thanks for posting the link about her other article. Ugh. My gosh, so many of us don't even write *anonymously* about our kids on this forum, about boring stuff like school performance!

Putting my opinion of the author aside, I do agree with the general advice for parents to hold our emotions in check to step back and give our kids the growth that comes with independence. It is *very* easy for us to rationalize that we are helping and not hurting our kids..but it just so happens to be really enjoyable for us parents to involve ourselves so I think we aren't appreciating the downsides. We are way too biased.

I also think many parents today are not doing that...and yes like the author I ask my undergrads questions all the time like this (because I learn a lot about my kids' generation this way). Most can tell me about how often they talk to their parents (which is a LOT and so not like my generation) and most are actually following paths chosen by their parents and not by them (which really concerns me a lot). But much of this is a cultural background issue, and that is another thread.

But I also think this particular author is more than a bit wacky, on many levels. Or comes across that way even if she isn't. I'm not convinced she's honest with her readers...she might just be going for attention through controversy.

Or perhaps more importantly, she is not even honest with herself as the essay about college was so full of contradictions. Maybe the article wasn't really directed at and judging other parents so much as it was really directed at and judging her own inner voice? Either way she would have been so much more persuasive if she left out the discussion of HER parenting and HER children.

I know if my kids were on my campus I could easily not see them the entire time and they would have just as much independence as being thousands of miles away. But there is no question in my mind that it is psychologically easier knowing you have the potential to see them even if you do not see them. We gain tremendous psychological value from promixity, and will even pay a premium for it despite not necessarily utilizing that potential. NYers, for example, love knowing they could go to Broadway even if they seldom go...same with those that own pools or vacation homes. I lived once close to my parents and never saw them...yet long to be that close again.

Hmmm... I just realized that, in a paradoxical way, my child might gain more independence (vis a vis less of my hovering because I know she's close by) than if she were on my campus than far away (where because of the distance I might feel more of a need to involve myself virtually). Time will tell I guess.

whatever4

To go back to the point of the originally-cited article by the Drexel professor, it's obvious the instances the author is citing -- the mom wanting the cell phone photo of son in library with today's newspaper, the mom getting syllabuses for child's classes, etc. -- are NOT the norm.

The author recounts these stories as attention-getters and as contrasts to the perfect way she "hands-off" parents her children who attend the same small college at which she works. We parents of kids who attend college thousands of miles away should take note. Following your kids on Twitter is OK, quizzing and instructing them on best sexual practices and positions is OK. Talking to them on the phone on a regular basis is not.

But what's MOST important is getting something published.

starbright

Ha! That is spot on!

Methinks Kathleen has no sense o personal boundaries. Her FB page is wide open...and there you can see her food, her xmas trees, her kitchen, and of course, her daughter and boyfriend.

She's of course friends on FB with her daughters, but at least one of them has the good sense to use privacy settings!

zoosermom

Maybe she saw how much money and publicity Amy Chua received for her book, articles and appearances and wanted to get her some!

poetgrl

I'm not even going to get into that other article, only say that someday, when her kids are older and have kids of their own, and they realize? she is really going to wish she hadn't done that.

Here is the thing, if your kid is in the same town, you know that if there is a "need" of you, you will be able to meet that need. A heartbreak, an illness, a visit to the emergency room.

Those of us with kids plane rides away, or long car rides, or whatnot, have gotten calls from emergency rooms, from sick kids, from heartbroken kids, from kids who are failing classes for the first time, from homesick kids who just want to come home for a couple of days, or whatnot, and all we have to offer is a phone call, a text, an email.

That is all we have.

We've had kids stuck in natural disasters very far from home, too far to get to, for sure, and all manner of things happen over the course of time.

Kids used to be apprenticed off to work at the age of 8 or 12, and their parents had to "let them go," does that mean WE should? How is this any different? How many of our kids would be halfway across the country, or on the other side of the country, if not for this technology? A lot less, anyway.