To keep quiet or not-- what would you do?

jym626 · 03-22-2012, 09:38 AM

OK cc buddies. This may sound silly but I want to see what you would do, as I haven't decided for sure whether to take a "wait and see" approach or not. Or if there is any non-awkward way to deal with this.

As some of you may recall, a friend of mine stayed at my house for about a week when her house was flooded from a broken water line and she developed an allergic reaction to something in her house. The rest of her family was able to tolerate being in their house, but they all came to our house to cook/eat dinner. They later talked about taking us out for dinner as a thank you for our hospitality.

Fast forward a month or 2. We finally got our calendars together to go out, and are scheduled to do so in a few weeks. Today I get an email from her that she's also invited a third couple, which is fine as they are mutual friends and we like them. BUT, the email said that she invited them so that we could all celebrate *her (my houseguest's) husband's birthday* (which is a week later) as they are usually out of town on his birthday and "he doesn't get to celebrate it with us".

OK, my question. When the ladies go out for birthday lunches (ie us wives of these 3 couples and also a few other friends), the rest of us always cover the cost of the birthday girl's meal. I don't recall that we've ever gone out as couples to specifically celebrate a husbands' birthday so I don't think there is a precedent on paying. BUT, originally they had indicated that we were going out as a thank you for our hospitality. That may have been forgotten by them, and additionally they may feel funny (maybe not) paying for us in front of the third couple. But I would be a bit annoyed if somehow it gets turned around that we are somehow supposed to pay for the birthday boy's meal.

What to do. Wait and see? If so, if somehow it does get suggested by the third couple (who don't know the original plan was for couple 1 to pay for our dinner) what do we do/say? I suppose I could also somehow figure out a way (though it feels tacky) to ask (in advance) the wife of couple one if they are still planning to use this as a thank you meal, and would she be ok with that in front of couple #2? I cannot, however, figure out an appropriate way to have that somehow fall into a conversation. If I do (suggestions please!!), she may choose instead to give us a bottle of inexpensive wine (thats what they typically do). And true confessions, I am a bit of a wine snob and may regift the inexpensive stuff they give us. Yes, it's the thought that counts, I know. But when we bring wine to their house its a better quality wine, because that's what I buy.

My inclination is to say nothing and wait and see what happens at dinner. Its possible the other couple could have a scheduling conflict and have to cancel out. I will be out with my friend (wife of birthday boy) the night before, as we are going to a show together (I bought the ticket- she owes me for her ticket. Come to think of it, I will email her and remind her so she doesn't cancel and stiff me, which also sometimes happens). Maybe she will buy my dinner that night. I have no clue.

Thoughts? Should I just wait and see? If I do and the third couple suggests we buy the birthday boy's dinner, what do we say that doesn't sound tacky? I do not like this. Not one bit.

gouf78 · 03-22-2012, 09:47 AM

Wait and see at dinner what happens. If third couple suggests buying birthday dinner, suck it up and try not to be irritated. Hopefully they'll pay you back another time. Not all friendships are equal especially on the financial front. Just let it go--it'll be cheaper than the angst it's causing you.

VeryHappy · 03-22-2012, 09:56 AM

I agree 120% with gouf78. It's about the friendship, not about the who's-buying-dinner-for-whom. You extended yourself when they needed help; because of the friendship, presumably they'll do the same for you when the shoe is on the other foot. More relationships have been lost because of keeping track. Like marriage, friendship is bigger than that.

jym626 · 03-22-2012, 09:59 AM

Thanks for your thoughts, gouf. Its just that this is pretty typical of her, and they have lots of money. But thats besides the point. There may be a delicate way to bring it up the night before when we are at a play together, and she may have genuinely forgotten. That said, she's stiffed me for things in the past (eg whe asked me to buy her an expensive ticket to a concert, then cancelled on me and left me to find someone to replace her, which I was fortunately able to do).

MomofWildChild · 03-22-2012, 10:03 AM

I would not expect to pay for the H's dinner. To me, that's a girlfriend thing (paying for the honoree's lunch) and NOT what would be done for a couple's dinner. I guess I would wait and see, unless you get a chance to bring it up in advance.

Stats21 · 03-22-2012, 10:04 AM

As a friend, in light of the broken water line, allergic reaction , etc., I would pick up the check.

DeskPotato · 03-22-2012, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Thoughts? Should I just wait and see? If I do and the third couple suggests we buy the birthday boy's dinner, what do we say that doesn't sound tacky? I do not like this. Not one bit

If it really sticks in your craw to be hosting him when they are supposed to be hosting you, maybe you could say, "Oh, I know what. Since this was the thank-you dinner where you were hosting us, but we'd like to chip in for birthday boy's dinner, how about we just split the bill evenly and call it a day?"

wis75 · 03-22-2012, 10:05 AM

This obviously is bothering you. In order to enjoy yourself you need to clarify things before the event. Be honest and explain your confusion to your houseguest- someone obviously enough of a friend you can approach the issue with. Tell her you will enjoy getting together with the third couple but you are confused about things. Tell her you don't want to embarrass anyone with any awkwardness at the dinner and want to clarify if you should cover the birthday person's dinner as customary, or if the dinner is to be their treat entirely. Taking care of this now- even with a phone call just to discuss the issue- is the best way for you to get it out of your mind and relax. YOU count and need to be able to enjoy without resentment or wondering- your example of past behavior means you deserve clarification.

jym626 · 03-22-2012, 10:33 AM

I emailed her and let her know what the show ticket cost, and suggested she could drop a check in my box (as she had initially offered). She now wants to pay me the night of the show. I said ok (what choice did I really have) which still means she could cancel and stiff me.

jym626 · 03-22-2012, 10:39 AM

Thanks everyone. Yes this is bugging me. If we offer to split the dinners we are in essence paying for ourselves and they are not taking us out as a thank you for our hospitality as was originally planned. She in the past invited herself along on social events, ordered more than others (she usually orders several glasses of wine) and then splits the bill. One time this occcurred ( I and I also drove us) I ordered only an appetizer and one glass of wine. The friend I was originally going with had a coupon which is why we went to this restaurant far away). My friend invited herself along, ordered an appetizer, full main course and 2 drinks, and then wanted to split the bill. So it cost me more than if I'd simply paid for my own meal, and I didnt get the benefit of the coupon the original friend had. Whatever. I let it go. But this is her pattern. I do think I will ask her to drive to the theater, as I dont see well driving at night. I'll offer to pay for parking.

CTTC · 03-22-2012, 10:43 AM

If she goes to the show with you, say you are starting to not feel well. That will give you the chance to cancel out of birthday boy's dinner the following evening and avoid the whole payment issue.

If she ends up standing you up for the show, call the next day to tell her you aren't feeling well and you and dh won't be able to make birthday boy's dinner.

And then reevaluate this friendship. Maybe her positive qualities don't overcome her obvious shortcomings.

jym626 · 03-22-2012, 10:50 AM

I don't like to be disengenuous, so I wouldnt tell her I want feeling well if it wasn't true. It was supposed to be us and them. Why should I cancel out? I'll bring a birthday card. Thats enough.
I was supposed to go to lunch with another mutual friend, who then suggested we invite this same person (my houseguest). Houseguest couldnt make it then, and we had a tough time getting any time that the 3 of us could do. Suddenly I found myself being expected to cancel my other plans to try to accomodate the 3 of us dining together. Ultimately we just made separate plans. This is the same friend who borrows things and then expects me to come and pick them up, and sound shocked when we aske if we can get it back, saying "well I figured if you wanted it you'd call".

qdogpa · 03-22-2012, 10:50 AM

We dine with friends several tmes a month, never concern myself if someone has 1-2 more cocktails then me...i don't care if they have dessert and i don't..sometimes i have a special not on the menu, and i don't concern myself with that either..always we split the bill,evenly,they are our FRIENDS

jym626 · 03-22-2012, 10:54 AM

Yes, they are our friends, qdogpa, and I don't typically "keep score". In fact, we are the type to typically pick up the tab. In this particular case its lopsided, so when it happens again, its very apparent. Like when they borrowed our sphygmomanometer, broke it, and said "oh it broke", not "oh I am sorry it broke, I will replace it with a new one". Again, she seemed surprised that we might expect to get a working one back, like we had lent them.

If this was just once or twice, or even 3 times, I would not think twice about it. Its not. It happens frequently. The last few times she tried to invite herself and her H when we had plans with another couple I declined .

worknprogress2 · 03-22-2012, 10:56 AM

JYM626 - Obviously I don't know you IRL, but based on your contributions to this forum, my hunch is that you are a very generous person - not just monetarily, but in other ways as well. Your willingness to house someone temporarily speaks to your nature, you don't seem like someone who would keep score.

Sometimes, people like you go along in a friendship and are unaware of how uneven things have been until something like this comes along and you realize that this friend probably has no intention of taking you to dinner to repay your kindness. It's not the dinner that is sticking in your craw, it is the slow realization that you have been the official "giver."

So, what to do? If you really care about this friendship - then a heart to heart is in order. If, on the other hand, you realize she isn't really a true friend, then I would just socialize and be gracious - but don't think you can count on her. Some people will never change.