footballmom104

So glad you started this thread, Skyhook! I'm in the middle of a crappy sitution at work right now. I've all but decided to tender my resignation Monday effective the end of the month, and it's partly due to pettiness and people trying to get ahead at the expense of others. I've accepted an offer with another agency but have no start date yet as the money has not come down. I also stand a better than good chance of being offered another job for which I interviewed. I have a long history of staying in bad situations way too long in the interestes of not being a "quitter," or to benefit someone else, or to not give someone the satisfaction of driving me away. I'm tired of it, and I'm going to take the risk. If neither of these pan out, well, we won't starve to death.

tom1944

The friends at work and then at home issue is huge in government. I tell my staff clearly I am not your friend but I also make sure that they also know I am no one else's friend either.
They are all my "favorites"- as long as they do their job.

Emaheevul07

I work in an office where everybody tells on everybody else for every little thing, constantly trying to get each other in trouble. One of the ladies I used to work with would even purposefully say things that didn't make sense in context really loudly, so people who couldn't hear my side of the conversation would think I was being belligerent with her and tell my boss-- which I wasn't, and they did. The people that matter like to be as non-confrontational as possible about everything they do, so not enough is done to discourage this environment. IMO.

I document everything and try to keep to myself as much as possible. I do have some friends in the office that I really enjoy, but none of them work where I do or with any of the same people.

puppylove

I like the people I work with well enough, but at the end of the day, I'm done and don't want to spend any more time with them. Not big into office get togethers, parties, etc. Let me do my job and leave at quitting time. See ya in the morning!

footballmom104

Same here, at least for the time being.

tango14

My ass't was having emotional problems a couple of years ago. She was frequently very upset (I didn't think it had anything to do with me) and spoke often about miscommunications/lack of understanding with her H & step-child, money issues, etc. I was literally afraid she was going to have a nervous breakdown. One day she started crying and saying she was going to look for a new job because she didn't like her desk, I wouldn't buy her a new computer keyboard, and a couple of other things like that. First of all, I pointed out that she had never mentioned anything about her desk/keyboard and replacing them was not an issue. I told her if she was unhappy in the job then perhaps she should begin looking for something else. I don't like dealing with drama, esp. drama without reason.

About the same time, I was being evaluated by my board and staff were asked to provide input. I don't really know what she was thinking, but she left her comments on her computer to which I have access. I needed to find a document one day and opened Word, where the most recent doc was her evaluation with file name that told me exactly what it was. Of course, I read it.

I was flabbergasted. She made all sorts of outrageous accusations, egregious to the point of saying I didn't bathe and sat in skirts in public with my legs apart!!! I haven't worn a skirt in almost 10 years. And that I dressed inappropriately in torn jeans. I wear almost exclusively jeans, and if I was wearing a torn pair, it was without my knowing it. There were other things related to work, but they would have been difficult to disprove because she and I work alone in the office with a couple of off-site people.

Fortunately, the person who was in charge of the evaluation process is someone I have been friends with for more than 20 years. We have often roomed together and traveled together, and while we all have quirks, she certainly knows how often I bathe, how I dress in public, and whether my clothes are worn. She had the good sense to dismiss the whole evaluation because of the egregiousness of these rants.

The only concrete thing she complained out that was seemingly legitimate was wrong, and I could prove it.

My friend asked me if anything was wrong with my assistant, and I pointed out all her office breakdowns and personal issues that were stressing her out (ie. custody issue with a young stepchild). She didn't tell me specifically what was said but commented on the "strange" evaluation. I didn't tell her that I had read it (and, in fact, saved a copy).

But I have never trusted my assistant again with anything remotely personal or musings about people we have to deal with. I also document thoroughly anything I say/do to her that is outside of everyday work in the office.

kelsmom

I loved being a financial aid officer. Unfortunately, I left because I couldn't deal with the bulls**t in the office. The managers were talking behind our backs (which of course got back to us), and one woman in particular was downright nasty to me. I would truly have loved to stay, but the situation was out of hand. Others have left, and those who remain are all looking for new jobs. There was one stunning backstabbing move the especially nasty boss pulled, which I won't detail here ... but I was blindsided. It was just plain awful.

I don't "love" my new job. I would much prefer to work in financial aid. However, I work for a company that treats its employees with respect, and I am quite content. It is too bad that I had to leave a job I really liked, though, just because of a few nasty women who never left middle school. They weren't going anywhere, though, so I had to.

Youdon'tsay

My immediate supervisor undermined my at every turn with a particular woman who I supervised. He told me that "intellectually, she understands that you are her supervisor, but emotionally she has a difficult time with it." :rollseyes: When I left, he threw me a beautiful lunch with co-workers and my dh, but the next day he showed up at my house with flowers. Thankfully, I wasn't there. He knew he'd been a jerk to me; showing up at my doorstep proved that.

pageagain

Good god yes, and I haven't even been working that long! lol. work "friends" stay that way unless it is a job I do not care much about , then I might go out socially with a co-worker, if that person is from another department, etc ( past part time retail jobs etc). This is so common in my current field, (where there is nothing to gain but managment's pet of the month)let alone fields where it counts, I am suprised people seem so shocked by it.

VeryHappy

I think it's human nature to form alliances with some others and against some others. The workplace reminds me a lot of junior high -- how sad.

I've worked for 42 years and have experienced many many backstabbers. The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is knowing that they will ultimately get bad karma. Bad stuff has happened to almost all the backstabbers I've worked with -- very satisfying!!

I can't wait to see what happens to my last boss. I know it's going to be big.

maikai

In any group of people there will be that percentage with lesser morals and ethics. The important thing is to not allow those lesser people influence how you treat others... not allow them to bring you down to their level.

Emaheevul07

I wonder how you really go about doing that. I have found that ignoring it makes it worse. It says, "I won't retaliate, so it's safe to pick on me." I'm not above tattling if it's necessary to save my reputation, but it's no good if everybody knows that they refuse to confront the issue. They know nothing will really happen to them, so the behavior just gets worse.

NewHope33

"I wonder how you really go about doing that."
(i.e., not allow them to bring you down to their level)

Ah, this may be the heart of the issue, considering that most encounter back-stabbers at least several times during their careers. Step #1 is realizing that back-stabbers are just a minority of the co-workers you'll encounter. Step #2 is realizing the importance of being professional at all times. And of course Step #3 is to keep your distance (physically AND professionally) from toxic persons.

paying3tuitions

Find documentation of just one example of this backstabbing and walk right up to the perpetrator. Requote it back (verbally only; don't email the coworker!) and ask whether those words were spoken. "Am I correct to understand that you said X about me to Y?"

If denied, you pull out the fact that you've already been to the person who tipped you off and it's been confirmed. Then listen for how they partially admit to it, justify it, try to put it into context, tell you you misunderstood or are too sensitive, blah blah. Stay silent. When they're done, say, "That kind of communication is unprofessional and unacceptable to me. I will not have it. The next time I hear of anything else along those lines, I'm filikng a complaint with our supervisor. " Don't debate or linger; just lay down your law and walk away.

Depending on your relationship with the supervisor, advise him/her in advance that you'll be tryiing to work out something with a coworker, and you hope he'll back you up should anything come up to him/her. Try not to go into specifics; just let supervisor know you're trying to work on it yourself first.

IME, people who are seriously trying to harm you (beyond idle gossip) will only desist when they're confronted. Stand up for your reputation. The bully will move on to the next vulnerable victim. Keep your body language bold, too -- no tiptoeing around or avoiding her space as you walk by. Show no fear.

Keep in mind that some coworkers know to "Consider The Source." If a person is a chronic troublemaker and backstabber, they might not stop that person, and will give the gossip an airing. But they won't give it much credibility, either.

The worst backstabber in my H's work was an administrator who worked under him. He was onto her. Once when he was having a sensitive meeting behind a closed door, he had a hunch..tiptoed over to his own office door and opened it suddenly. She almost fell into the office, as she'd been leaning her ear up to the door to eavesdrop. And now, 20 years later, the organization just gave her a big appreciation dinner for years of service. We moved on long ago, because to some extent she succeeded in undermining him by wearing others down. So that happens, too. They can't murder you but they might succeed in undoing you at a job. In that case, therre are other jobs.

VeryHappy

paying3tuitions, I very much like your approach.