rutgersmamma

How can I help make this year of 'firsts' easier for my friend and her son? She has very little family and none who are nearby. Her only child is in professional school and will be with her for the holidays, but I know these times will be difficult for them. We will be away for TG and believe they are going out of town to friends for Christmas.

Hoping I can benefit from the experience of other CC members who are widowed or who are familiar with this kind of situation.

siliconvalleymom

My friend's husband died suddenly a couple of years ago. She said that her advice is to continue extending invitations to everything you would have included her in before the loss. She said that people stopped the casual invitations, because they were afraid to bother her or unsure of how to talk about the loss.
She also said that she would prefer to continue to be invited to all of the couple dinners and parties, and make her own choice about whether she felt up to going.

garland

Ditto what svmom said. When my mom was widowed in her forties, it was very depressing for her to be dropped from social events because she was no longer part of a couple.

WayOutWestMom

Going to ditto what svmom said. I was widowed at 50 and it hurt that many of our friends stopped inviting me to parties and dinners. OTOH, I did learn just who my real friends were. I especially appreciated invitations to join others at Thanksgiving that first year. I just wasn't up to doing the whole huge dinner routine just for my 2 girls and myself.

Christmas is a bit iffy-er since family celebrations are so individual and unique. I appreciated the pre-holiday invitations, but prefered to spend the holiday itself at home. Still ask. If your friend attends holiday religious services, you might ask if she needs a ride to the service. Going alone can be tough.

One of the other things I appreciated was the random phone call from people just to check in and see how I was doing. It was a chance to vent---or not, depending on how things were going. Everyone grieves differently and on a different schedule. I think one of the kindest things anyone did was a friend of friend. She had been widowed 3 years earlier. She gave me her phone number and told me to call anytime just to talk.

travelnut

A friend was recently widowed with no warning. She says that coming home to the empty house after work every day is the hardest part. Invitations to come over and hang out in the evening and dinners together (not necessarily with my spouse as we frequently went out without spouses previously) seem to mean a lot. Another friend was widowed several years ago, and it helped so much that she was able to articulate what was hard and what would be appreciated. We were able to help with computer issues, funeral preparations, lonely times and house stuff. I would ask what would work best, as everyone copes in their own way and with time, different things surface. I think just being able to listen helps. It is a huge task to walk children through this loss and there needs to be a place for the grief of a spouse that doesn't burden them.

sewhappy

When my friend lost her husband suddenly to heart attack during the fall a few years back, a friend who had a condo in Florida just basically let her have it for most of that winter. We took turns going down there and keeping her company. The sun and the ocean and the distance from home seemed to help her a great deal.

emeraldkity4

When my dad died suddenly when I was a teen, a friend of the family lent us his cabin on Hood Canal- for about a month.
A change of setting helped a great deal, we could focus on the new environment instead of the large hole that his death left.
I don't remember particulars about how we then spent the holidays, but I agree that more attention is probably needed by the bereaved, they may feel better if they are busy.
But bless you Rutgersmama, for thinking of her, oftentimes people are uncomfortable around those who have suffered a loss, whether it be a death/ unemployment/divorce/ etc & instead of being a little uncomfortable and maybe gaining more of what it means to be human, they avoid the subject and their friend.

One of my friends was widowed suddenly, luckily it was after the holidays. Most of her family lives on the other coast, but her friends increased their invitations and she hosts very casual get together at her home much more than she used to.
I know many people, myself included, who have loved ones who have passed in the weeks surrounding winter holidays and remembrance of that anniversary colors the celebration IMO, but that's life- bittersweet.
Helps to anticipate that though, and plan enough things to get you through it- time does heal.

1214mom

I agree with others... Especially just checking in often, talking about whatever, and lending your ear.

50ishwoman

My suggestion is to bring up the deceased name. I know a lot of people think they should avoid the topic, but the widow will be thinking of her husband every day, especially around the holidays if this is the first Christmas he is gone. It is so nice to know that friends remember that he enjoyed the holidays too. I'd say something like "Bill really loved putting up the tree, didn't he?" Because nothing hurts worse than everyone acting like he never existed.

masslou

Could you offer to help her get her decorations out? Perhaps help put up her tree? I think that would be very difficult, especially if her son is away at school and she is alone.

bookiemom

Second the offer to help with the decorations. That is hard when you have had a death in the family in the past year.

An invitation for New Year's Eve might be nice. When I was going through a divorce, my dear friend invited me and my D over for New Year's Eve for dinner. It was nice to have somewhere to go that night.