VeryHappy

OP: We're interested in your reaction to our posts. Come back.

sevmom

paying3tuitions,It's unclear to me whether or not the SIL has hampered a relationship with the OP or if it is the OP that has just really not pursued contact with the nephew after the brother's death. Whatever the reason though for a lack of contact in the last three years, this may be an opportunity for a new beginning.

geeps20

this is an easy one, it's your brother's son...you go. Think of the stories you can tell about his father, stories maybe no on else could tell.

sevmon has it right..a new beginning

travelnut

Sorry for your the loss of your brother. There seems to be a back-story here. Agree with others. Go if you can do so with an open mind and compassion for the boy. It seems unlikely that either a new car or an engagement would be his decision. Kids who go along for a rocky ride with one or both parents are often very receptive to caring, stable adults who offer a small bit of refuge. Don't go though, if it can only be viewed as an opportunity to confirm your disdain for the boy's mother and her boyfriend. We have never regretted stepping up for our niece and nephew who found themselves isolated from the family because of their parents' issues. Now in their 30's, these young adults are very close to us.

hrh19

I am sorry you lost your brother. When I thought about how difficult it would be for a 13-year-old boy to lose his dad, I imagined my S being without my H, his dad. I cried. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you and your brother's family. Please go to the party. I know it will mean a lot to your nephew. And it should be nice for you, too, to reconnect with your brother's son.

Montegut

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry I've been out all day and haven't been able to reply.

Last night, I went to a school function and ran into two people who we grew up with. I asked them about whether I should go, and one, a female, chided me that I could even think of not going. Our parents were good friends, and she said it's what our parents would have wanted. She said that it was an olive branch and I should accept it rather than slap it away.

The other was a man the same age as my twin brothers. He was and still is a very good friend of theirs. He said that at 16, my nephew was two years away from adulthood, where he would make the decision who would be in his life in the future. He felt that my not going to the party would indicate to him that I wasn't interested in being a part of his life.

I have decided to give, as a gift, a small framed picture of my father, who the young man shares a name with. He is the fourth, and my father was junior. My brother was the third. Although he may not appreciate it at his age, since this is a "milestone", perhaps it is a fitting time to make this gesture. My brother married his mother after my father died, so they never had a relationship. My father may have met the girl once when they had first met, but they were not serious when he passed. In fact, my father's funeral was the first day any of us siblings met her.

As for the engagement, I worry she will turn his day into her celebration, which would not be surprising, and may be insensitive to him and to us.

As for the car, well, it's a lifestyle. I know it's the norm now for kids to have their own car at an early age, but it has never been in our family. It will just solidify how different our family values are from hers.

And for the not being in his life for the last three years, initially, we were invited to parties, and would even visit every day when our brother first passed. But after a couple of years, we weren't invited, but would see pictures on facebook of large parties that we were not invited to, where other not family members were. It was hardest on my sister, who is the godmother of one of the children, to be excluded, and I always comforted her with the fact that the kids will reach out to us when they're older if they want us in their life.

It would take volumes to go into the history, but in short, my brother and his wife grew up in different worlds, and his children are now being raised in her world.

Thank you for all your input, and I'll let you know how the event goes.

Consolation

Well, no, not in my experience. Back in the 60s, maybe.

It may not be accurate, but going by some of the judgmental comments regarding the SIL and her friends you have made on this thread, you might want to consider whether your obvious disapproval when invited to such events played into the lack of invitations going forward.

But I think you should go anyway. If you care about preserving a relationship with the boy.

Pizzagirl

"And for the not being in his life for the last three years, initially, we were invited to parties, and would even visit every day when our brother first passed. But after a couple of years, we weren't invited, but would see pictures on facebook of large parties that we were not invited to, where other not family members were"

Did you ever invite your SIL/nephew to events in your home or in your life?

As for the car - maybe it's what your brother would have wanted. You seem a little stuck on your brother having to raise his child the way he was raised. People change. Your brother wasn't obligated to stick with your parents' ways, and your SIL is free to raise her child how she likes.

I think there is a lot more backstory that is at play. I suspect you never really liked your SIL.

Pizzagirl

"As for the engagement, I worry she will turn his day into her celebration, which would not be surprising, and may be insensitive to him and to us."

Let's assume your SIL is getting married again. Leave aside how it's being announced. Do you see that event in and of itself to be hurtful or disrespectful to your brother's memory? Is there a point where you think it is appropriate for her to marry again (if you feel 3 years isn't sufficient)?

mom2collegekids

As for the car, well, it's a lifestyle. I know it's the norm now for kids to have their own car at an early age, but it has never been in our family. It will just solidify how different our family values are from hers.


The fact that other people's values or lifestyles are different isn't a reason to be miffed or upset by this. Giving a car isn't immoral or unethical. It's not like they're having a stripper show up for the bday boy. I don't think "giving a car" reflects much/anything about "family values".

We gave our son a car for his 16th birthday and we don't have bad "family values". Our son needed the car to go to school. He went to a private school, so no bus service. It meant that I didn't have to drive a carpool anymore...lol....which I had done since he was in kindergarten.

Just because another family makes different choices about various things that have nothing to do with ethics/morals is not a reason to be miffed. You're looking for validation about your own family's choices, and that's bound to lead to unnecessary frustration since others will always make different choices.

Many people have been brought up in "different worlds" than the we have...that doesn't make their choices/ideas "wrong" or make our choices/ideas "right".

As for the possibility of her remarrying. Yes, it can be difficult to see a brother's widow remarry, but please put yourself in her shoes. Remarrying after 3 years of widowhood isn't scandalous. I know that you're Catholic (as I am), so certainly you know that there isn't anything "wrong" with her remarrying. My H's very best friend (like a brother to him) drowned in a flash flood. We WANTED his widow to remarry and find happiness. She did and she'd been remarried for several years now. To expect or want her to remain single would be kind of selfish...expecting her to "live alone" while we aren't living alone...just to make us feel better. That's just not healthy. You're married, you're not alone....let her have someone, too.

Pizzagirl

"As for the engagement, I worry she will turn his day into her celebration, which would not be surprising, and may be insensitive to him and to us."

I don't think that when you are out of someone's life for 3 years, they are obligated to tiptoe around your feelings. And I don't buy that you're worried about her engagement being "insensitive" to the son, when you were considering skipping the son's special day.

I think the gift of your father's picture is lovely, but I would think carefully about the message you're sending when you haven't been part of the son's life and come bearing a picture of his grandfather he's never met. It feels to me like you want to remind him "who he is" even though that side has been largely absent for 3 years -- "reclaim" him in a sense. I might urge giving a gift that is less emotionally charged. I feel you're trying to make a statement with the gift. Again, sweet idea, but maybe another time.

thumper1

Just my opinion here....it is the kiddo's 16th birthday. I think that a gift appropriate to that event is what should be given. The picture of the grandfather is a nice sentiment, but NOT an appropriate gift for this birthday. Simply put...would you give the same gift to any other family member for their 16th birthday? Would you give it to your own son? I think this makes your appearance at the birthday party look like its all about you. That should not be the case. It's all about the birthday boy.

absweetmarie

After my young husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I asked him if he expected me never to be involved with anyone else. He said, drily, "I think that would be a fitting memorial to my life." Of course, he knew I'd have to move on. How would it have been better for anyone if I didn't? And who is to say when the time is right? I rather thought I was in the best position to make that call.

I assumed it would be difficult for my late husband's family to hear about boyfriends so I never brought them up. Since his family lives in another country it was easy enough to ignore the issue. When my mother-in-law came to visit, it would have been somewhat difficult to stash my current, longtime boyfriend in a closet, so she met him. He is a good man. I wish he could have met my late husband (too bad I don't live in a Star Trek episode and therefore can't arrange that meeting).

Losing a husband, losing a son, losing a brother, losing a father: All of these things are wrenching, and everyone who is involved hurts deeply in his or her own way. I think widowed parents have a particularly difficult time, though, because they need to manage their own grief while tending to the grief of vulnerable children who have so little experience mourning.

FinanceGrad

I don't think the gift you are thinking of giving is appropriate for the boy's 16th birthday. The picture would be best given at a time like Christmas or even Thanksgiving where family is a central theme.

For the gift I think you should stick with something your nephew has a current interest in. Does he play sports, videogames? You could also call his mother and ask what they are getting him that way you will know if its a car ahead of time.

GA2012MOM

I agree with all the other posters, go and be gracious and non judgemental. You say you are worried about the family values your SIL is imparting but you have to remember this is the woman your brother loved, married and had children with. I would think you owe it to his memory to be the uncle/aunt you would be if he were still alive. While the picture of your father is a nice thought, I wouldn't make it a "gift" for your nephews 16th birthday. Why not give him an age appropriate gift, whatever that is for a 16 year old boy and if you have a picture of his dad when he was about that age, frame it and enclose it as well. I would save the picture of the grandfather who he never knew for another time.