kelijake1987

People make weird, arbitrary decisions....old boyfriends do not.
An arbitrary choice is suddenly deciding to go out dancing when you had planned on eating at home and watching a movie.
A boyfriend flying miles to see an old flame is anything but arbitrary...it's a fishing expedition.

MutaRiSC

Yeah, I would say thats pretty weird. Best stay away from him.

bookiemom

Yes, kelijake, a fishing expedition is an apt phrase. I don't think he would come back to my house again. Nothing was said about that. Oddly, our D is in graduate school in the ex-BF's city, which my H told him about. The ex suggested perhaps we could all go out for dinner when we are there in the spring for D's graduation. H was neutral to that suggestion. He said to me I could go out for dinner with the ex myself (kind of joking) and I said I'd take my mother with me! Maybe...

Gottagoworkout

Facebook anyone? Most people would try and friend u first or email....I find this kind of creepy. I wouldnt be flattered. I'd be suspicious. Looking for investors maybe

SEA_tide

Knowing people who do fly to random places in order to earn elite status, his story seems plausible. Some rental car companies give free car rental days after so many rentals and one currently has a rent twice, get a free day promotion so the rental car may not have been that expensive either.

That said, it is creepy that he didn't try to contact you first or have your mom tell you he was coming.

Bringing your mom to dinner with him would be a great idea as it would make things less about you.

kelijake1987

I am sooooo not the one to offer unsolicited advise on such a sensitive topic.

But it is after midnight, I cannot sleep and I have some experience with this...sooooo, let me just say I am not sure that having dinner would do anything except encourage further contact. And I don't believe you or your husband need that.

The best way to keep old BF "old" is to not treat him or his intrusion as a welcome addition to your current life. He has feelings for you, no doubt, so the kindest thing is to make as clean a cut as possible and discourage further contact.

I meet old girlfriends for dinner...never old boyfriends. I cannot afford to play with fire and get burned. Love my hubby and my life too much.

bookiemom

Good advice, kelijake. I am completely uninterested in him; so no danger of fire at all, not even a spark. He did spend a lot of time at our house in high school; my mom would like to see him again, I think. (But she is not very trustworthy in this regard as she is big buddies with my ex-husband and it's been a problem. She's a meddler. And here's an interesting wrinkle: her old college BF came back looking for her; they got together, divorced their spouses, and were married for 25 years until his death. Now I am thinking we don't need to be having any reunion dinner....)

I am interested in all advice on this situation because it is so weird! My D said it is "completely bizarre."

kelijake1987

Oh my Lord, your mom sounds like the last person whose advise I would take seriously. (I will add she sounds a little like mine...my mom once told me that the best way to be motivated to lose weight would be to have an affair!!)

If I want something, I try to do what winners have done to get there. For example, if I want a long-lasting marriage, I do what others in long-lasting marriages have done. (My parents divorced when I was very young, so I do not seek their guidance on this topic).

No person who has been married a long time has ever suggested to me that meeting an old boyfriend to be an ideal way to nurture and sustain a commited relationship with my husband. Quite the opposite. At best, it encourages contact from an old fling you were doing fine without.

At worse, it leads to more contact and more old feelings and before you know it, you are rationalizing doing stuff you would have never thought about before his sudden reappearance.

bookiemom

I read once that any contact with old BFs/GFs should be as FAMILY friends. You and your spouse can be friends with the other couple, in other words. (Casual friends, not best buddies.) My sister and her H are friends with one of her ex-BFs and his ex-fiancee, seeing them occasionally when they visit their towns. I think that's OK if it works for everyone. But I don't know if this is the same thing.

kelijake1987

^^^
I think those are rare circumstances where everyone agrees to it. But your husband would have no reason to want to suddenly be mutual buddied with a love interest of yours from so long ago, as he stated regarding dinner plans.

If a former boyfriend had ever had romantic feelings, one can act friendly on the surface but in my opinion lurking under the surface is the crazy notion that what once was can be again...
Don't know if that makes sense. I am typing this on my smartphone in the dark and started to get sleepy..Finally!!

bookiemom

Good night, kelijake. Thanks for your input.

geeps20

is he married? My first thought was he might be recently divorced or widowed.

oldfort

He flew out without notification because he knew you probably would have said no. I think there must be a reason he wanted to see you after so many years, such as recently divorced/widowed or maybe he is sick, none of it is really any of concern to you. But if you know he is a normal person (not creepy), I don't think it would hurt to just meet him for coffee at a public place. Of course, I would make sure your H is fine with it.

VeryHappy

I am still in touch with my BF from HS -- on FB, an occasional email. He's got serious health issues right now and I am interested in how he's doing. That said, it is completely known that I am married and Not Interested in him.

If someone showed up at my doorstep unannounced after 30 years, I would be totally weirded out. Something is wrong with this picture.

toledo

I think your husband is a jewel. He handled it perfectly. Old boyfriend will leave knowing you're happily married to a great guy.