sylvan8798

awwwk!!! wall of text!!! my eyes are bleeding...

Oh, wait - ok, so go with your gut but give some thought as to what the long term relationships are/will be/want to be and don't do something now that you will regret in the long term. If there is little to no long term ramification, just do what your instinct tells you is best.

Pizzagirl

I'd put my foot down on this one. It sounds cheesy to wear something to identify you as "groom's family." I don't even think name tags are appropriate. This is a social event, not a business one. Besides, the whole point is for everyone to try to guess who everyone else is :-)

lookingforward

"We'd like the name of your contact at the hotel and we will make the drink arrangements." Then you have control over whether you an go for open bar or go with wine/beer or some limits in what's available. At that point, you also have contact and can somehow broach that it's 100 people (in a 30pp room.)

I wouldn't agree to clean up. The siblings are adults. There may be clean-up included in the cost of the room- but you'll have that contact and can ask.

Wouldn't wear some special id either. It's not a hs reunion or convention. I think SIL is romanticizing.

I don't know about yours, but among my Southern in-laws and friends, it is perfectly acceptable to tell someone, "Oh, you are taking on too much!" Or, "You are so close to him, we just can't see getting in your way." I don't know if I could get away with this though: "Oh, this is so wonderful of you, why don't you make it your gift to him and we'll come up with another present."

atomom

Sorry for the wall of text--I never have trouble making a short story LONG.

lf: Oh how I wish I were smoother on those polite-sounding southernisms.

Pizzagirl

"We'd like the name of your contact at the hotel and we will make the drink arrangements." Then you have control over whether you an go for open bar or go with wine/beer or some limits in what's available. At that point, you also have contact and can somehow broach that it's 100 people (in a 30pp room.)"

Great suggestion. Actually I think it comes off a little more refined just to have wine than to have a full open bar, but that's my personal bias.

BunsenBurner

Sounds like a lovely wedding.

I'll add my voice to the choir. No way I'd wear a "special accessory". Anyone who'd insist on one might quickly regret it because my side of the family could show up in Klingon masks (or worse!) to make us easily identifiable... Love jym's suggestions, BTW.

What happened to the good old rule that the bride's family is paying for the wedding? This would be the perfect instance to invoke it.

lastminutemom196

We use nametags (you know the ones that stick on) at large family events. Hi, my name is and then ask everyone to add a word or two to say who they are (groom's sister, bride's cousin, etc). Cheap solution and that way you can maybe put names with faces, not that this matters as you probably won't see these folks after this weekend.

Family dynamics are strange. It is sometimes easier just to go with the flow, since it doesn't sound like this is a repeating issue. (he gets no rehearsal dinner for a second wedding if there is one.) If your husband won't muster the energy to object, then I think you just go with the flow, as hard as it is.

I have a friend and she often says, "Remember this too will end." It is always good to remember that.
I often get through these kinds of things by remembering that they are one off occasions. After the fact, if you can get your husband to talk to his sister about future expectations, ie ask not demand, then that might be a good strategy.

mom2collegekids

Yes, arrange with the hotel/restaurant to "cut off" spending for drinks at $XXX amount. Otherwise, you could end up with a huge surprise. Bar bill at my niece's wedding was $8k...and many attendees were non-drinkiers (kids and non-drinking adults).

gouf78

Our rehearsal dinner was barbeque on picnic tables and card tables in MIL's living room (it rained). Great time had by all! Not much rehearsing though.

gouf78

Check out the drink situation for sure with hotel--sounds like it can't be a big place. If they allow food to be brought in, do they allow drinks also?
Rehearsal dinners are usually only family and wedding party--are there that many family members to get to 100?

JustaMom5465

Which begs the question, what are 100 people rehearsing FOR? I thought the rehearsal dinner was for those IN the wedding party (and perhaps a significant other), after they held the REHEARSAL? At least, that's how it was in the dark ages when H and I were married....

(crossposted with gouf...)

blueiguana

You have absolutely every right to be annoyed and to graciously decline each and every request. As others have pointed out these are not young adults, they are grown adults fully capable of planning their own wedding.

I would have been inclined to respond along the lines of "I'm sorry, but I haven't even heard directly from my brother. I'm sure we'll attend and wish them well, however this isn't a part of the celebration I am comfortable participating in." Rinse and repeat.

I would not be bullied into paying for parts of the rehearsal that should be organized, and paid for by the couple. Now, as part of the wedding gift if various siblings decided to cover this it should have been a group decision talked about prior to even offering, with a budget set and everyone agreeing to how much they could afford to contribute. It's a lovely gesture. The appointment of what one will contribute and be responsible for with no prior input would not fly with me in any way.

Although a rather bold description I have to agree with the poster that said 'your DH needs to grow a pair' and talk to his sister (I honestly don't mean to offend...my DH does not suffer fools until it comes to family issues when he just doesn't want to make waves). If you are not willing to take part in any of this make that decision and tell her. If you are willing to pay the bar bill, get the name of the contact and instruct them YOU alone are making the decisions (so you don't end up with 4hrs top shelf open bar). I would in no way agree to wearing anything identifying myself as the grooms family or being responsible for organizing/paying for it. Egads! A curt no to that one. That can be delegated to an older niece who will hopefully realize how hideous it sounds (and you don't have to wear it).

Best of luck to you.

gouf78

Justamom is right--not even all family is usually invited to a rehearsal dinner--that's what receptions are for. Wedding party, parents, pastor...pretty small list usually.

ici

You have a real brood of kids there and you are the most important role model they have, even as young adults. As such, I would do your ranting here (and you have the right to be royally annoyed), but in front of others, you should try to take the high road. Be happy for the soon-to-be newlyweds. Be supportive of your husband and his family. Be a part of the celebration. As suggested, contact the hotel and make arrangements for an affordable beverage service. Perhaps another sibling would like to join you and your husband in this "gift."

You might point out to your kids that their aunt could have given you more warning, sought your input, etc., but that ... you're still glad to be a part of this family celebration. (If you have to clench your teeth and lie, well, don't do it. But can you try to put on a good face?)

Ahh, families. This is an appropriate thread this holiday week! I'm already practicing my zen in advance of dinner with the in-laws on Thursday.

lastminutemom196

Actually, who is invited to the rehearsal dinner seems to vary by region and by families even. In my case, Jewish southerners, we almost always invite all out of towners and family and the wedding party to the rehearsal dinner.