Daughter needs time off-- NOW!!!

Darcy47 · 08-22-2006, 04:44 AM

Hi,

I am the mother of a 18 year old daughter whom is getting prepared to enter an ivy league school in the fall with a full scholarship.

The problem is, she is going through a lot of things right now both mentally and emotionally, and it is too late to request a deferral. She keeps going through periods of severe depression and mental breakdowns, and I am worried about sending her to school in the fall, because she has, several times already, tried to commit suicide. My husband and I have begun counseling sessions for her, but they have not seemed to help much.

She worked very hard to get into college and to earn her scholarships, and I know that she is mentally "burned out" from all of the academics, and is very overworked and depressed, but I really don't know what to do for her to help her. She needs time off, and I don't know how to ask the school for this without her losing her scholarships and possibly her admission. Both her father and I agree that the best option might be to just let her take time off for a year and travel, get counseling, a real job, etc., but we do NOT want to go through the college admissions process again.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I'd like for my daughter to retain her scholarships and admission, but not if it means that she kills herself in the process.

Thanks for reading!!!

2mch2sn · 08-22-2006, 05:01 AM

It sounds like your daughter needs intensive medical intervention immediately. Is the counseling being done by a psychologist, psychiatrist or what? Given the seriousness of her situation I think you need to get her treated before sending her anywhere. Wouldn't a doctor's statement that she is not well enough to attend give her at least a semester deferral? If she had a life-threatening physical illness wouldn't the college give her some time off for medical treatment? This should not be different. If she does go off to school at some point, it should then be with a continuing treatment plan and a doctor/ therapist near campus that will continue her treatment as appropriate. I know of a couple of girls in my older S's freshman dorm who had severe problems (life-threatening eating disorders coupled in one case with other diagnoses), didn't make it through the first semester and were in very serious shape and required hospitalization.

2mch2sn · 08-22-2006, 05:02 AM

What does your daughter want to do? Is she able to acknowledge the seriousness of her situation?

-Allmusic- · 08-22-2006, 07:10 AM

Under the circumstances you have described, the only sensible plan of action is to call the college and defer admission until next spring or fall. A suicidal child doesn't become well without intensive therapy and medication, sometimes (or often) even a hospitalization. I would take her depression and cries for help very seriously.

It is not an indictment on your daughter's ability to succeed in college that she needs time to get well now. Colleges are very familiar with situations such as these, and know how to deal with students who need to take leaves or deferrals. This is absolutely one of those situations, no question about it.

UVMLauren · 08-22-2006, 07:11 AM

As it turns out, colleges will not always give deferrals for serious illness. They expect that you either keep up with the work, or simply loose the semester and continue on the other side. Many schools are sympathetic but some are not and may not hold the space, and scholarship disbursement is contingent on actually going to the school that fall. Since scholarships are usually by semester or year, she will probably lose the money for whatever semester or year she doesn't attend. if any are for a longer time, those may stick around, but the yearly ones will need to be reapplied for, and taking a year off may not be favorable to your daughter.

It sounds like starting counseling was a recent thing for her. These things take time (sometimes years) so expecting to see a vast improvement in only a month or two is being far too optimistic. She may not have had her "breakthrough" with the professional yet and that will just take time.

marite · 08-22-2006, 07:44 AM

the only thing you can do is to ask the college for a deferral and learn more about the financial consequences. You really do not have any option but to let her take time off given the seriousness of her condition. If she were to start attending college and were to need care, she would most likely be asked by the school to take time off anyway. But the risk of her doing something dangerous to her health in college is too high. If you remember the case of Elizabeth Shin at MIT, she had symptoms of mental health issues before college though apparently not as serious as your daugher. And she committed suicide. You cannot count on colleges and roommates to notice signs of problems and provide the support which you already know she needs.

Darcy47 · 08-22-2006, 07:59 AM

She wants to take time off from school; and then the next time she is asked, she wants to go to school. She needs time off, but is unsure whether or not she should ask given the fact that:

a) The school could rescind her admission and/or financial aid
b) She could lose one of her outside scholarships .

-Allmusic- · 08-22-2006, 08:02 AM

Honestly, I don't think you can think about money and scholarships when your child's health and safety is so seriously compromised.

Even if she loses the scholarship, she will be alive. Which is more important?

Sorry to be blunt, but there isn't any beating around the bush with kids and mental health.

And the decision to go this fall is no longer hers. A professional (psychiatrist, I hope) should be helping her deal with all of this.

searchingavalon · 08-22-2006, 08:11 AM

I agree with -Allmusic-. What's more, it's possible that the plan to attend an Ivy with the concomitant responsibilities of living up to scholarship requirements--you did speak of burn-out--is exacerbating her mental health problems and stress. Please, get someone to take care of her.

newmassdad · 08-22-2006, 08:13 AM

I'm not sure why some other posters are so negative here.

I think you'll find most colleges and scholarship agencies quite accomodating to a mental health issue, especially when the issue is deferral.

That said, it is time you hit the phones or email and verify your options. Then, with professional help, you can make an informed decision.

Issues like this are too important to rely on anonymous advice from strangers. So call.

You also need to consider that the situation may not be as serious as you portray. There certainly could be some curious child - parent dynamics going on here, consciously or not; based on separation fear? Guilt?

bluealien01 · 08-22-2006, 08:25 AM

I thought if you didn't attend the school, they gave the scholarships, grants, etc. to another qualified student?

marite · 08-22-2006, 08:29 AM

Sorry, NMD:

The first semester of college is the most stressful, and a student who worries about having to live up to scholarship expectations is going to be under even more stress.

I agree that all hope is not lost; that the college may well grant a deferral. Without knowing the terms of the scholarship (is it an outside scholarship? a scholarship from the college?) it is impossible to even guess at the financial consequences of deferral. But I do not think that it is advisable for a student who needs support to be at school. The school is not equipped to deal with ongoing problems--and really should not have to.

MomofaKnight · 08-22-2006, 08:34 AM

I would think the last thing schools would want is to have a highly sought after student arrive on campus in rough shape and not able to face the year ahead
Frankly, if she is indeed depressed, facing a transition to college might tip her over the edge. Depression can be life threatening and you truly need to make sure she is safe and healthy to leave home. To be blunt, you don't want to look back (if she makes a suicide attempt) and wonder why you all felt that starting college at this point in her life was so important. Her life and health are much more important

fendergirl · 08-22-2006, 08:38 AM

are any of her friends going to the same college? maybe she could get put in a room with one of them, which i think would make the whole transition easier for her, especially if it's a good friend that she could talk to and could keep an eye on things.

one of my friends had big problems with depression that he didn't talk to anyone about and i just happened to stumble upon it and then everything all came out and honestly i don't know where we'd be now if he wouldn't have had me to talk to throughout college.

bandit_TX · 08-22-2006, 08:39 AM

Since Ivy scholarships from the schools are need based, unless your need changes you won't lose anything. If they are outside scholarships, you need to contact whoever gave them for advise. Most of the Ivies now encourage a year off. I know Harvard does.