sax

Momofwildchild...Well,at least he continues to live up to his name. Never a dull moment.

One of my kids walked away from college in the middle of the semester and never went back. This was about a year ago. Incredibly talented but felt school was a waste of her time and our money. One year later she is working full time (managing a store on her own), making reasonably good money and is very happy with her choice. She plans to go back ("I know I need to") however I think she will continue to work, find an even better job and let them pay to send her to school. Her choices...her life.Am now teaching her about investing. There are many journeys and once I accepted within myself that this was okay it has all beome so much easier.

Hang in there. Not the best choices but his choices. And for whatever reason he had to go through this and he is. He sounds like a great kid and will find his way to adulthood and a meaningful life. Just tighten your seat belt (and your wallet ) It's going to continue to be one hell of a ride!

Thought I'd add a quick story about my brother. Barely made it through high school but a real charmer. Starting working an assembly line at age 18. Job sent him to school. He is now a very wealthy self made man and did it his own way. His own path.

kathiep

I had a friend whose daughter had a rough start at college and was very depressed. One thing the Mom did was tell her daughter to just stay in the moment and get done what needed to be done workwise but have some simple something to look forward to every day. For my sons that would be an hour of computer games or for me an hour reading. My friends daughter did go to counseling was fortunate enough to find a support group on campus for homesick kids and was able to work out her problems. I'm also guessing this is probably very common second semester. I like the pizza party idea if he can pull that off. I gave my son some money to take some friends out to dinner off campus when he was leaving after winter break. I just got a thank you note (!) last week from the four kids thanking me, and it made me feel good knowing they had a little break from the winter.

curmudgeon

MOWC, I'm sorry babe. There are some silver linings but dang you have to dig deep don't you? Ugghh. Concentrate on the admittedly limited positives. Don't kill him. Yet.


D had a misstep or two psychologically first semester (cuckoo for cocoa puffs "personal" issues). At that time I had offered that she was incredibly overcommitted. That what she needed to have was some down time and then the stressors wouldn't seem so all encompassing. I suggested that if she felt that same "moment" that all she needed to do was call me and I'd make her reservations at a downtown hotel and she could stay in her jammies, eat delivery food, take non-communal baths, and just contemplate her navel. The call came last week and I hope the weekend did the trick. (Please, oh please, oh please.)

I believe this is a stressful time.

MomofWildChild

Thanks, Cur. It will be OK. Hey-I get to go through application-hell again with him!! Does anyone want some expensive camping gear that hopefully is now in a car heading back east instead of west???

curmudgeon

I'll start the bidding with a "hell, yes!". Do you think my D will settle for a KOA next time?

nikrud

^^^my D was in an extremely overcrowded triple freshman year in an extremely overcrowded dorm(w/coed bathrooms). She had her own bedroom all her life, and no brothers to help w/the initiation into the world of coed dorms and bathrooms. First semester flew by, all was new and fascinating at best, amusing at worst. Second sem, along w/snow and increasing demands, each of the three roomates had a meltdown at one time. They rallied around each other, and for the most part things improved quickly for the other two. When my D didn't seem to snap out of her mood after a few weeks, I also sent her off alone to 'contemplate her navel.' This worked wonders. At her school, most kids get singles starting soph year, and w/the added privacy she thrived. I think singles for freshman can be isolating, but overcrowding and constant noise can really compound feelings of depression and add to the frustration. They all need to find somewhere to go to find a little solace, with that much needed contemplating of their navel. lol.

MomofWildChild

Cur- I would have preferred a hotel over UTAH!!! Just called WildChild-he claims to be in Ohio heading east. Your D could use the camping gear to head east to the Smokies!

garland

Oh, MOWC, how very vexing! I am sorry to hear he is so disappointed; he seemed so sure of what he wanted. But, they're 18. That pretty much throws all sureness out the window.

Full disclosure (well, not full, I'll keep back a lot of details)--S is having a lousy year (as a junior.) It's not the college, it's particular issues. He had a spectacular first two years, with a great GPA. However, a crushing personal blow over the summer which carried into the school year, combined with an ill-advised decision to add a concentration (something between a major and a minor) which needed extensive prep in subjects he hadn't touched in years, added up to a disastrous fall term. It's amazing what you can do to a pretty GPA in one semester.

So, he is trying to right himself, both personally and academically, but he's very closed-mouthed about how things are ("fine, fine") and basically all I can do is fret, while trying to slip in unheeded advice--as in "Hey, I do this for a living--why isn't my own kid listening to me?!"

So, a big sympathetic aaarrggghhh from me.

On the subject of transfer:
I've written extensively about my D's gruesome frosh year and subsequent transfer. Like many here, she was sad, lonely, a duck out of water. Completely misjudged what kind of school she needed to be at. She started the transfer process a bit earlier (actually New Year's Day was the day the big college guidebook got cracked open again), but she probably didn't start the actual apps till about now. We did a ton of research: i helped with the fieldwork--transcripts, sATs, etc, and a couple college visits. Honestly, that was less work than the nightly teary phone calls. It all ended happily.

My one big piece of transfer-prep advice is---keep the grades up where they are. I can't stress enough how much I urged D to not let the unhappiness affect her grades, so she'd have options. She did, and she did.

Thank god I only have two--one more roller coaster ride like this would do me in!

snowball

When you go through what the above parents are going through with a college student, you feel alone and think why my child. I wish from experience I could say it will all work out in the end, but I can only hope for that.

Some of you might remember my daughters story-She spent her freshman year attending a LAC that she loved, but at the beginning of second semester she decided she had to transfer. Her excuse was kids weren't interested in studying, most weren't smart, usually everyone spend all their time drinking, campus is isolated, negative, negative, negative. What surprised us was how happy she was first semester and what cause the turn around. I said go ahead and submit transfer applications and she could decided later if she really wanted to transfer. This LAC was tied as her first choice with a great state university (not our own.) She had decided she would rather attend the LAC as it was in a new area of the country and she felt a tad better fit. The state u had always been her dream school so we were surprised when she decided to apply ED II to LAC. I think she was afraid she would get into the state u and didn't want to be rejected.

Daughter was admitted to state u and decides to attend this year, her sophomore year. Like first semester freshman year, second semester was great. Great friends, good grade, involved in activites that she would really miss if she didn't stay. Fast forward to fall semester at state u and the child is very unhappy from the start. She really misses her old school and we come to find in November she want to go back! She made herself so sick that she decided to take this spring semester off and come home. She is on a leave from the state u and can return in the fall if she wants.

So now my daughter is applying to transfer back to her LAC and taking classes at a local college; not a full load as she wasn't sure she was up to that at the time. She also had planned to do an internship, so she wanted to leave time opened for that. Speaking of the internship-she had her first interview as soon as she got home for winter break. She was told that with the holiday season she would be notified the first of the year. She never heard back so she started calling the second week of January. She was contacted again for another interview with the woman she would work with; the first interview was with the head of the department. They discussed hours, available days, vacation, etc. Again, she doesn't hear back for weeks. Last week they call her back in to meet with the team of four. After that meeting she is told she will hear back the next day. The next day she is told they need a writing sample and the phone number of her last employer. She sends them what they want on Friday. Today she gets an email that states their internship needs have changed and she wouldn't be a good fit and good luck! These people strung her along for 2 months and now she has no internship for the spring. She feels like her entire semester was just a huge waste of time. She explained in her transfer application that she was coming home for the internship and to take a few classes; the company gave her the impression all along that she would have the job. Now what does she do? It is too late to find a spring internship and she will need to tell her old school she didn't get the internship. How can a company give a student the impression they have a job, take 2 months to make a decision, and feel good about themselves? Sorry, I am a bit bitter; don't you think they knew she wasn't a good fit over a month ago? They didn't have other applicants for this internship, this came to her by word of mouth. Their regular internship program is during the summer.

OK, I am done venting!

Alumother

Prepare for platitudes. And believe me when I say that they are heartfelt nonetheless. I have now come to understand, without question, that that silly saying, "Into each life some rain", seems to be empirically true. And if it happens in college, well, that's a pretty damn minimal impact time for it to happen.

I'm in the time of life where marriages are imploding all around. And yet, like most people, I know one couple who appear to truly truly love eachother. Two wonderful kids. Dad started a local business when young that is now a pillar of the community. Mom uses her high level talents in volunteer work that really matters. Perfect, right? She finds out she has fast-moving breast cancer. Double mastectomy. OK for now.

My sister. One of the best people I know, committed to public service, good friend, dear sister. Infertile with dearly loved second husband. IVF repeated failures. Finally, an natural, miracle pregnancy. But. It's ectopic. And chemicals don't terminate it, she has to actually have a physical pregnancy termination.

Now on to college students. My D, overachiever like all of yours, and plus the type who never touched alcohol, woke up in a pool of her own vomit second semester freshman year, with no memory of the night before. Really had to struggle with controlling drinking. And yes, there's alcohol abuse in my family. Praise be to the God in which I do not believe, in her sophomore year she is happy and moving forward fine.

We can only hope to bear witness to our own lives honorably. I am so amazed at the posters here, 'fessing up to the times our shiny pearls of children have their troubles. Because, it might make us less shiny, right? I think that those willing to post are very good parents. Not that others may not be. But when I read these posts I think to myself, ah, they care more for their children than their own pride. Ah. These children will most likely be just fine.

Remember when they were little? And they had their tantrums or their whining or their biting habits? Remember how first we thought we could stop the behaviour and then we realized it was more about living through the phase honorably? Being consistent? Being authentic? Staying in a place where we could feel love for them? Please excuse my sappiness but that's what I read here. Sure, it's just an anonymous board, but take this as the sound of one person sitting in the auditorium applauding you. And your children, who are lucky to have you as parents.

mkm56

Alumother said it all and very eloquently. Momofwildchild, I am so glad your son is safe--that is the absolute most important fact. And he may be on his way to truly discovering what will make him happy. Mine has sent his transfer application in, so am hoping that will at least give an option. However, mine is so fearful of change that I could see him staying where he doesn't feel comfortable just because he fears change more. Your son was willing to take action--maybe not in the way you would have advised, but he felt he had to get away and acted on it in his way.

There are so many wonderful, caring, involved parents on this board and MOWC you among the top of these.

Snowball, I hate it that the internship fell through for your daughter--why do people string others along like that? It certainly didn't happen through any fault of hers.

MomofWildChild

Thanks for the kind remarks. I love all these posts. I always try to share as much as I can- as soon as my son has made things public himself- so that others can learn and benefit.

I have learned enough that when I called the other boy's father at 2:30am the other night, I said, "This is XXXXX. THE BOYS ARE FINE AND NO ONE IS HURT, BUT....."

garland

mkm--Transfering is HARD. Really hard. My D agonized back and forth right up to the end of the semester. At that time in her life, she absolutely abhored change. (She's much better about it now.) But, it came down to when she imagined herself back at the original school the next fall, she could imagine nothing good or hopeful. So, she had to leave. I wouldn't have supported it had she felt she had any choice; for her, with her character, that was the point she had to get to.

mkm56

garland--I do realize that it is a very hard decision and I can't give any first hand experience with it as I stayed at the school where I started. I have related to him stories from CC and from other parents where the student transferred and it was a great choice and also the ones where they found the "grass was not greener". My H. and I just keep telling him that we will support whatever he decides. I think it is so scary for him knowing that as a junior transfer, there is no going back.

Of course it could be a moot point as he doesn't have acceptance in hand. He has tried to make a list of pros and cons of each school and really the lists are pretty even--just depends on what categories he wants to weight heavier.

I think he too will agonize until the final date, so much will depend on how this semester goes socially and emotionally.

jazzymom

I admire the brave and honest posts made on this thread. It goes to show how difficult it can be to determine "fit" during the brief amount of time a student visits before deciding. My pipe dream: universal gap year. I've said before that if I could wave a wand, all high school seniors planning to go to college would take time off first to work, volunteer, travel, get to know themselves away from the h.s. world, and visit colleges over time without the pressure of a rapidly approaching decision deadline.

MOWC: great story. Isn't it interesting how the two former low-life friends are the ones who actually appreciated what your S and friend were giving up by going AWOL. Were these kids in college, just not one as well respected as WC's? Or were they out in the working world and understood how important it was to steer these kids back to college? Just curious.