nikrud

Think of the added benefit to the child of not having the whole college app/waiting stress during senior year. They would actually enjoy their last year of high school as it was meant to be.

MomofWildChild

Re: the low-lifes (I feel guilty for calling them that now...) Not in college. One quit high school and didn't even manage to get his GED yet. He is very bright, but has ADD to the point where he can't even get it together to take the right meds. He was a kid who needed some kind of residential therapeutic program but his single-parent mom didn't have the resources. The other kid struggled with alcohol and drug abuse and is doing well- for now. He is living with his girlfriend, who was the sanest of the bunch, and the lessor of the apartment they were all in. She is a junior at Purdue. I am going to send them a little something ($$$) as thanks for what they did for the Ivy princes!
Just got a call "from the road". They are stuck in a huge traffic back up in Ohio, but heading for their lifeline- their trusted mentor/advisor/coach at their boarding school. I am thrilled with this decision. It's on their way back to college and I would have suggested it myself, but if I had, the idea would have been rejected. He doesn't know what is about to land on his doorstep, but this man is a gem.

mstee

deb922 -- no advice, I just think your son is so lucky to have you for a mom. I wish him and you all the best.

MomofWildChild -- Wow, never a dull moment! Glad to hear that your son is headed to a good place.

Alumother -- I loved your post.

deb922

Wow, I went out for a little while and found this thread on page 3. MOWC, life is never simple with your S, is it. Glad to hear that they are stopping off to talk to their coach. I have a feeling that he will try to put those boys on the right track.

Thanks to everyone who has shared their stories. It is very heartwarming to hear that my S is not the only one and I am not the only parent to get these phone calls.

I think that these sort of issues are esp. hard for our boys. While it is hard for girls, they can express their emotions and it is more accepted. Boys are taught to tough it out and push through their emotions.

I'm going to ask my S to apply to another school to transfer. That way, he'll have that option if things don't get better. He doesn't have to transfer but it will be good to keep that option open. It's funny but a post on the Parents forum is about techie schools and digmedia posted about his experiences at GA Tech and unhappiness at the tech schools that are overwhelmingly male.

We looked long and hard to find a school where he would be happy. He has a very specialized major and we concentrated on the major. We also thought that a tech school would be more serious and condusive to studying. He also is on a sub free floor and thought that would help his adjustment. There are people who don't study that much at a tech school and people drink on a sub free hall.

snowball

I wish your son the best (and you too!) I thought I would be enjoying my emptynesting right about now, but I have put it on hold for a bit.

Here's hoping all our kids find what there are looking for. Yes this is a learning experience for all, but I for one am tired of learning!!!

PackMom

Transferring is scary. I transferred after my soph. year not because I was unhappy at my school but because I got married. All at once I was at a new school in a new city far from home with a new husband and a new life where I suddenly had be an adult.
Kudos to your kids for being brave enough to say that they are willing to make a change for the better even if it is terrifying at first. Let them know that they are not letting you down by leaving the school that everybody thought was the perfect "fit". Sometimes shoes that fit perfectly in the store hurt yuor feet once you wear them to work!

Ray111

Deb, been to this movie also. The way we chose to handle this was to get a little parent TLC onsite. I rearranged a business trip slightly, drove down from Washington and surprised him. He walked into his room and I was sitting at his computer. I could only be there for a night but I took him out to dinner and we talked about the situation. A couple of weeks later I sent my wife down for the weekend. After that things were fine, friends increased, roomates appeared, classes got easier, less complaining. Some people just get bummed out during the winter, when spring comes and warmer weather plus the end of the school year attitudes usually improve. Sometimes they just need some stroking and to know that my Parents really do care enough about me to come and help me through it.

It's a hugh transistion for these mortals of only 17 or 18 years old, but as time goes on you get adjusted to the flow and it becomes more like their home. Their tie's back to the home front become less and less.

mstee

Deb922, I would probably do the same thing, have the kid apply for a transfer, just in case. Just knowing that there is a plan B can be very helpful psychologically. Also, is it possible to do something in between -- can he take a leave of absence and take classes at another school? That way maybe he could get an idea of what it is like at another school without cutting ties. Just a thought. That is the type of question a dean could answer. My sister did that years ago. And a friend of mine who was a student at a techie school did that years ago. Both ended up graduating from their original schools. I think it is not uncommon for kids to take a leave of a semester or a year and then return.

jazzymom

MOWC:

It's great that they have a non-parent adult mentor to turn to. Sounds like you will be sending out more than one BIG THANK YOU gift card....

Ahh, the power of the older girlfriend. My friend's son was somewhat of a Lost Boy until recently. He is one of those very bright kids (started reading at three) who tested off the charts on SATs but wouldn't do homework. At 16, he found the GED exam online, took it, passed it, and then announced, "I'm not going to high school anymore." He worked, dabbled in some classes in community college but stopped going to school again, a few credits shy of the A.A. He also worked full time in a film-editing business and read computer programming books on the side. He is 21 now, getting his A.A. in the spring and working on applications to four-year colleges to finish his education. The key motivator? He met a lovely young woman a few years older who has already graduated from college and basically told him to get his a-- in gear so they could have a life together. They met at Starbucks, where she worked while putting herself through college; he came in everyday during the period when he was working instead of going to cc.

As others have said, there are many individual paths to adulthood, college, and success. If a student needs to step off the college treadmill for a period of time to figure things out, it's okay. Think of it as a belated gap year.

snowball

I would also suggest a leave of absence instead of a withdrawal to test the waters. My daughter withdrew from her LAC because in her words, "Even if I don't get in anywhere else, I will not return here." Well, those were her famous last words; not she is trying to return to her first school, but has to apply as a transfer since she withdrew. As this is a very small LAC, her chances are not great to return. In years past they only took a couple of transfer students. We are hoping that as a previous student she might have a leg up, but who knows. She even called to ask iof her withdrawal could be changed to a leave; unfortunately she didn't make that call until a month ago. The Dean told her had she called in September when she knew school #2 wasn't a fit for her they might have been able to work something out.

I feel so bad that she has been in such a state of confusion. This is not just a child always wanting to have what she wants. She let peer pressure get the best of her and not trusting her own judgement. After transferring, even knowing it wouldn't be easy, she had to deal with situational depression; coming home for a semester was her best option at the time. Why she feels much better emotionally and physically, she is so ready to be back on campus. When we have discussed why she said she hated her first school so much even though she was happy, she responded, "You know when you are unhappy, all you see is the negative. My friends from home convienced me I was missing so much being at a LAC that I started believing it when I returned 2nd semester." The friends she made at her LAC are so supported of her. She in online or on the phone with one of then at least every day. She just sent them a care package of baked goods on Monday and is going up for a visit during her spring break. If she isn't readmitted I am not sure I won't be more upset than she will be. Of course, she will not have a decision until June. I can not stand this waiting-one child, 3 years of applications! Will it even end?

If I can only offer one piece of advice it would be -never withdraw, take a leave!!

sac

deb -- It does sound as if your S might be happier at a college that was less male intensive. I think it's great that he's a guy who is used to having female friends. In the meantime, while there is truth to moms getting the brunt of the miserable phone calls (my D actually called my S his first year and scolded him that he had to call Mom once in a while when he was feeling good, not just when he was feeling miserable), what struck me was your son's feeling that no one likes him. That must be incredibly painful for him to experience and you to hear. I would definitely keep going with the suggestions he visit the counseling center. Suggest he go talk to them about whether or not he should tranfer, or tell him you want to make sure you get your money's worth of services before he leaves this college...whatever it takes. In my S's case, there were issues involving a highly dramatic on and off girlfriend situation, and I suggested he go talk to a male counselor. (Like your husband, mine opts out of these types of things...well, he's an engineer.) He resisted ("it will take weeks to get an appointment", "I don't have time", etc.) But it was useful.

MOWC -- ouch!!! I think you are the one who will need the camping trip in the woods, without cell phone, once you've seen WC safely through this episode.

somemom

THANK YOU to every parent who has posted the less than ideal truth about their child- from MOWC from whose son we might all expect adventures, to Curm, whose D seemed "perfect" on paper, and every one else, and how nice it is to realise that no one's kid is perfect and they all have their own struggles, and that is just life. It is encouraging to hear the stories of other families.

I recall reading on this board about 5 years ago when my D was not having fun, so many people were posting, with genuine enthusiasm and excitement, about the wonderful experience their kids were having. i felt so disheartened and saddened that my DD had not chosen well, when it seemed so easy for every one else! In time, I came to see that many people's kids have great moments and sad moments- some pick the right school, but need to make adjustments, others pick the wrong school and need to switch, whatever the issue, it is incredibly helpful to hear the sad/scary/emotional/odd stories that are happening to others, even if only to reassure ourselves that are problems are "normal."

One of my Ds had a Christmas Card letter perfect freshman year at a top 20 school, yet she was so sad & even miserable at times due to an unpleasant roommate situation- 3 girls, two who would not befriend my D and D is a kid who is friends with every one, this has never happened to her, she did not know how to deal with people who were completely disinterested in being her friend! She stuck it out, including not switching 2nd term, wanting to work through the issues, but what a wonderful weight off her shoulders this year to have a roomie who likes her and with whom she is friends and thank God for the choice to rush a sorority in the spring and become a part of a ready made group of friends. We can all debate the value of greek life, but at her school- huge with not a huge Greek life, the sorority is a nice group of people without much social drama and it saved her psyche.

My other D was never happy at her school and through that unhappiness fell vulnerable to a stalker. She actually had to take a leave from school, withdraw from classes, and leave the area to get away from this obsessive person. Thanks to the school for working with her, she will be able to finish her work, but it has been scary and will take a while to get over. Definitely, work with the advisors at the school if you have any issues arise, they have seen it all and can give a real clarity to your situation in their detachment, plus help you work through the bureaocracy of logistically handling any changes which need to be made. I was dumfounded by the level of personal assistance and caring advice we received at a big state school. Your student may be too overwhelmed by what is happening to realise the door should be left open to return and to salvage the best possible future opportunities out of any immediate change.

mini

Mine had trouble after spending four weeks with me doing tsunami relief in south India. It was very difficult for her to come back and listen to someone grouse about the fact that the kitchen had run out of her favorite breakfast cereal, and now she was left with only seven choices.

We had friends from the local Friends Meeting (which she was already attending), including a dean of adult students), look in on her occasionally. Two weeks later she came roaring back, chomping at the bit to get back to her studies.

deb922

Thank you for everyone who has taken the time to respond. You can't imagine how much it helps to hear that everything doesn't have to be perfect. And I hope that all who has responded that their children have various degrees of unhappiness, find a path that is best for them. I think that college is like childbirth, we tend to forget the bad and remember the good. The bad and unpleasant fades with the years. Growing up is so hard and while college is a great experience, as with everything else, there are bound to be bumps in the road.

sac, I think that you hit the nail on the head. His HS was very small and not very many people dated. You were friends with your classmates, it didn't matter if they were male or female, they were just your buds. In a tech school, 70/40 male dominated school, the few girls that are there had boyfriends within the first month. They seem to be wrapped up in the throes of first love and spending all of their time with their boyfriends. More so than there being all these boys, is the whole dating culture of the school and that the few girls that are there do not have time to be just friends with boys. Although my S is your typical engineer math and science lover, he's not your typical video game, computer gamer kind of guy.

The hardest thing has been that he feels left out, that no one likes him. While I think that he may be pushing people out, it's still hard. It's so different than HS where he was liked, had a lot of friends and things to do, he's very social, so I thought that he would have no trouble finding friends.

snowball, I feel so bad about your D's situation. It's so hard and a cautionary tale for those who are thinking about transferring. I keep telling my S, are things going to be different somewhere else and can you find your place where you are.

curmudgeon

Warning: Completely OT and horribly self-absorbed not to mention self serving Please, please tell me that I wasn't one of those parents of 'perfect' children. Those parents we all hate. If I have ever given anyone the impression that my kid was anything other than a bright hardworking middle class kid from regular folks , I apologize. I think of myself on the board as Everyman and my D as Everydaughter. Normal kid can do it , too. The family of regular Joe's.

God, it will be such a let down to know I was in fact "that guy", father of "that perfect girl". I feel ill. Let me off the hook, will ya somemom?