Alumother

Hook removal service.....

EURUEURUERGH.

That was the sound the hook removal made.

somemom

Nope, nope, not the nauseating perfect parent, but definitely a blessed parent with a great kid for whom so much in life seemed to go so well- thinking Yale admit, state BBall champs, great merit awards, etc- oh, and nice goat-raiser, too! My D2 is that way, even her sisters think everything comes easily to her, I had friends who would have been very annoyed by certain never-ending accolades D2 received, had we not been friends...since they knew her & liked her, they could not hold a grudge, but she did "seem" to look so perfect and be seen that way by HS coaches & teachers and got so much recognition at times.

Curm, you are the parent of the "nice" perfect kid, the parent we all love...of course a great sense of humour and self-deprecation never hurts on that front!!!! I promise, you are not the one we love to hate

What I really mean when I say perfect, is that when a readers kid is dealing with a multitude of challenges, it is easy to read that every one else's kid seems to have a perfect life and that only you are suffering through the frustrations of HS/college "stuff."

curmudgeon

Safe. Thanks.

When D was going through her cuckoo for cocoa puff's stage at the start of the first semester I leaned on some of our posters in p.m.'s pretty hard and as usual I got what I needed. I will need y'all again. Having a kid whose spring is wound as tight as my kid's is? I'm sure of it.

I'm already a pest on the medschool boards.

momof2inca

Thank you to all the parents sharing stories of their kids sad/bad/low times. I unfortunately understand what you are going through. S is a second year student at Berkeley and, while not among the "perfect" children mentioned above, he was extremely happy his first year, with good grades, internship, EC leadership, trips out of state, etc... as summarized by me here in this thread, post #10.

Parents of Berkeley Students - are your kids happy?

Fast forward to the end of last semester when we received out of the blue a plaintive email that basically said he couldn't get out of bed for finals that day, didn't enjoy one single thing about life and couldn't see the point of doing anything. "I haven't had one enjoyable moment or even one enjoyable moment of procrastination for months" he wrote. This came as a shock to H and me because we had visited him in October and early December and he was home for Thanksgiving. He said in the email that he'd gotten pretty good at hiding things from us and that he thought he should "see someone" over break.

Well, H got in the car the next day and 7 hours later landed on his doorstep at 3 p.m. S, who had been sleeping, was shocked to see his dad. H spent the next three days basically taking him to eat, telling when to sit down and write the paper he'd "forgotten" to hand in for a class, and when to go off to his final exams and when to sleep (he had terrible insomnia). He also cleaned S's apartment from top to bottom, which was beyond filthy. And there was one slice of American cheese in the refrigerator because, we came to find out, he was spending his food and utility money on online poker, cigarettes and illegal substances. After the last final, they drove home with S chain-smoking at every rest stop (this is just ONE of the things that S had been hiding from us, and with both H and I having had grandparents DIE of lung cancer, and having nursed S through life-threatening asthma all through childhood, you can imagine how crazy we felt).

I can't tell you the anguish I felt when I saw him walk through the door a few days before Christmas, skinny, broken, confused, unable to string thoughts together. My one-time champion debater could hardly hold a conversation. Here was this kid who six months before had been on top of the world, happier than we'd ever seen him. It was like he was broken.

I got him into counseling the day after Christmas and the psychologist confirmed it was serious and recommended he not return to school until he recovered from "a breakdown." The cause was a number of circumstances, mistakes, stupid choices, naive decisions and dumb luck, along with his personality traits and health issues. Part of it had to do with a girl, his first love, who dumped him last spring in a particularly cruel and callous manner that wounded him deeply, though he never talked about it at the time. Part of it was the fact that he's a very smart, shy, introverted kid who doesn't always know how to fit in with a group, thus drinking and sub. abuse seemed to help. Part of it was committing to waaaay too many things, taking on too many classes, saying yes to too many people, trying to prove himself worthy. He had too many plates in the air and when the first couple dropped, he over-reacted and they all crashed. Part of it was the decision, after the secret "I'll live with my girlfriend but tell my parents we're just friends" decision didn't work out, was him getting his own apartment. Then he got burglarized. Computer, iPod, Bose speakers all gone. Then there was the hellacious minimum-wage summer job that turned into 6 days a week with no breaks. And the not-eating thing must have depleted every molecule of seretonin in that brain of his. And the decision to just not go to classes.

So, yeah, he tipped the boat completely over, as Cheers would say. We never saw it coming. Sure, he'd rammed his boat into a rock once or twice in his life and he did always learn things the hard way, but this was not on our radar at all. Nor is there ANY depression or anxiety issues in either of our families.

So, home he stayed for the past two months. Saw the psychologist twice a week, had a complete physical, got his cavities filled, finally went to a psychiatrist to get on anti-depression/anti-anxiety meds, slept, ate and ate and ate, quit smoking, took vitamins, quit all remaining EC responsibilities, withdrew from classes for the semester. Watched TV. Surfed the web. Saw a couple of friends from high school who remain in town. Got his head on straight, at least we think.

Last weekend, I drove him back to his apartment, where he will live -- with all sorts of new restraints from us and with major promises of accountability from him and with counseling up there-- to see if he can manage to live independently. We're taking it a week/month at a time. His plan is to start up with school in the fall. (The university was not the issue, though I think its size and competitiveness contributed; he wants very much to continue there). An aside: I wish there were small houses in college for undergraduate males where a kind older couple would give cooking lessons and look after them and call their parents every once in a while with updates.

I've spent the last two months beating myself up, second guessing all of our decisions as parents, striving to find the roots of this crisis (still can't really locate their beginnings) and generally feeling about as low as a mom can feel-- like I failed to raise a competent young adult who could go off to college and not crash and burn. H has been better at coping. As he says "I was a 19-year-old male once and I did a lot of stupid things and I recovered and am successful." Yeah, but I wanted S to avoid all those stupid things and thought we'd prepared our son better and differently compared to H's parents, who he's always complained were out of touch, untrusting, clingy and unfair. S was one of the most important things I'd ever contributed to, and it was very difficult for me to see this as "his issues and consequences" rather than as an indictment of my own performance. From one day to the next, I swung from anger at S to understanding to self-pity to self-loathing.

I love MomofWildChild's attitude and wish that kind of outlook came naturally to me.

The positives fron this: a kid who didn't even know he had emotions is using the phrase "I feel" quite often now; he recognizes that "everything is a lot more complicated than I ever knew;" he knows he doesn't need to be perfect for his family and friends to love him.

The negative: our trust in him and his decision-making has been truly damaged and I don't know if he will earn it back soon or if he will continue to hide things from us and spiral back down. Also, I'm paralyzed about college choices for our D, who is a h.s. junior, because I'm thinking my instincts for the kind of places she might like are not to be trusted. Also, it's been expensive, though obviously this is not important in the grand scheme.

garland, deb, MOWC, somemom and the others... thanks for sharing. Alum, your post is very meaningful and true.

None of our kids are perfect, no matter how we paint them online or what they choose to share with us about their college experiences. Sometimes they crash and burn and break into little pieces. It's no fun picking them up, and it's sort of an unhappy, unwelcome reminder that our job really never ends. I know that I was on the phone in tears with my own mom every week, which must have been hard on her. But, a close colleague last week lost her 30-year-old son, who happens to share my S's first name. It was a freak accident (clearing his throat of mucous in a bank restroom, it got stuck and he passed out, went into cardiac arrest and was brain dead by the time paramedics arrived). He leaves behind a wife and one-year-old daughter and two devastated parents. And that sure puts it into perspective. They are having his memorial on Monday. That's the day S is supposed to call us with an update on how he's doing, the good and the bad.

I'll take it.

mkm56

momof2, thank you too for sharing all the pain and turmoil you and your family has been through. I am so very glad he reached out to you. All of these posts put life in perspective. We (and our children) worry so much about ECs, grades, SAT scores and the like that we often forget that absolutely none of that really matters. What we all want are happy, healthy children who are comfortable with and independent in the life they ultimately choose.

marite

momof2inca:

I feel so very sorry to hear about your son! I had shared your joy when he was admitted to Berkeley and it is truly sobering to hear about his struggles. But I am glad to hear he is on the mend.

My S did not have a totally smooth second semester freshman year for reasons that are too complicated and arcane to go into. But he left those issues behind over the summer and his third semester has been great. I had a hard time my first semester and contemplated going home many times. The fact that home was far away deterred me from actually acting on my impulse. Things got better the second semester.
For many students, now is the most difficult time. The novelty of college is gone. The weather can be very depressing. Perhaps, too, some latent depression manifests itself but may be masked by other issues such as roommates, GF/BF problems, academic challenges, and so on. It might be useful, when a student is comprehensively negative, to eliminate clinical depression as the root cause.
MOWC and DEb: Hang in there! Things will get better.

jazzymom

Momof2:

I also want to say thank you for posting your story. I know it must be hard to go public with such personal information, but you know, it really does help many people who are either dealing with a similar problem or who, like me, aren't dealing with it but don't see ourselves as out-of-the-woods yet with this child-raising gig. My college freshman seems "fine," but we don't get a lot of details about his life right now and who knows what might happen next year. It is so true that we moms will blame ourselves or doubt ourselves for the things that go wrong in our children's lives, whether it's fair and rational to do that or not. (I still kick myself that S1 didn't take a gap year off before going on to college, where he just turned 18 at the end of Sept.) He seems to be doing okay academically (lots of Bs first semester) and friendshipwise, but does he really have the maturity to benefit as much as I would like from his college education? I can only hope so.

I know how difficult it was for my friend, who's son dropped out of school, to watch his friends from high school go off to Princeton or USC or NYU and seem to be so much more together. But she and his dad stuck by him --- no tough love for this slacker --- and let him live at home while he dallied and worked and figured things out until he moved in with said older GF. Now, he has a goal and is working toward it and he is a terrific guy. He's thoughtful and loving, does the cooking at home, gets up at 6 a.m. to go to a job so he and GF can save money and is working at finishing up his two-year degree. He is going to be fine. Her husband, a doctor, never overstressed about what was happening. He's intelligent...he'll figure it out, he would say. They never gave up on him. They hope, of course, that he will be admitted to his top-choice four-year college, but they are pretty relaxed about it. There are a lot of choices out there. He'll be able to complete his four year somewhere. He will be able to make a life for himself and a future family. Sometimes it's necessary to take a deep breath and say, okay, there's more than one way to get from here to there.

alwaysamom

momof2inca, big hugs to you and thanks for sharing your story. I am a big believer in the theory that if we share troubling stories, and others share even a tiny bit of the 'load', then things get easier. Even as a psychologist, I didn't truly understand this until we lost a premature baby shortly after her birth and I made the effort to join a grief counselling group. I still, all these years later, continue to thank the friend who convinced me to attend. Sharing my grief with a room full of others who were in a similar situation was responsible for me getting through those dark days. Sharing our stories here on CC helps in a similar way.

I had a niece who for many reasons was, and continues to be, more of a daughter than a niece. We have been responsible for her for many years and when we were in the college searching phase for her, it was an amazingly exciting journey. She is one of the brightest, most mature, and incredibly talented kids I've ever known. She was accepted to her number 1 choice of school, one of the top programs for her intended major, with a large scholarship and testamonials from the department head and several profs as well as the attending admissions people, that she was one of the best students they had ever had apply to their program. She, and we, were thrilled. She had worked extremely hard to get to this point and only anticipation and a wonderful future were ahead.

She knew after only three weeks at her dream school that it, and the program, were not for her. We were stunned. She had researched, visited (many times), stayed overnight, attended classes, interviewed, spoken to current and graduated students, she knew the city inside and out. This was not a case of going into something unknown. She was so unhappy there, and so very certain that she didn't want to/couldn't possibly stay, even til Christmas. What made me so sad about it was that I was so very sad and disappointed for HER. This had been her dream, or so she thought, for so long and suddenly that dream was gone.

We allowed her to return home. There was no point in insisting that she ride it out. Her feelings were not going to change. The school was wonderful about it, and they were very sorry to lose her, and they granted her a leave of absence, instead of a withdrawal, just in case she ever changed her mind. She didn't. She came home, found a job within a week and worked full-time until the following September when she started at her new school. She took care of all of the new school application and admissions 'stuff' herself which was no surprise. I've always said that she's more mature than I am!

She's now in her junior year at her new school, has won additional scholarships each year for her academic standing, absolutely loves what she's studying, is doing a very difficult double major, is involved in her favorite extra-curriculars, has written the LSAT and will be applying in the fall to law school. Her path has changed, as well as her goal, and those days of unhappiness and doubts are long gone. That year off, I'm convinced, has allowed her to appreciate, enjoy, and be sure that she's doing exactly what she should be. It's not always only uncertain, immature students who can benefit from a gap year.

Sometimes things don't work out as planned. It's not always someone's fault, although I know that as moms we always seem to blame ourselves. Kids go through all kinds of struggles, regardless of how well we 'parent'. Some go through bigger struggles than others. No kid is perfect, and no kid is perfectly happy ALL the time. Keep the lines of communication open with your kids, even if you aren't happy with what you're hearing, and if your kid is unhappy enough that you feel that they need to leave school, don't worry about what others will think. All the best to all of you who are facing these issues.

padad

I just called my D and arranged to take her out to dinner on Friday night. The drive will take seven hours, but I know she and I will have a much needed get-together.

My first-year college rommate dropped out after two months, went to Vietnam and died there. I had no inklings that he was doing poorly. It still haunts me that I failed to help.

sac

Momof2 -- Please don't beat yourself up. We also have 2 kids, and are convinced they conspire. When things are going well for both, they call each other and say that they're making it too easy on mom and dad, and then they decide whose turn it is to throw a keep-them-awake-all-night wrench into the works.

I love your idea of a house with an adult couple who teaches cooking and keeps in touch with parents. Of course, if any of us can remember what we were like in college, we can imagine how eager we would have been to live with adults, especially adults who kept in touch with our parents.

If I have any advice for your D's choices, it would be that if she goes far from home, it would be good to have friends or family in the vicinity. I have more than once e-mailed family and "suggested" that our S could use a weekend away from campus, or a good meal, or an adult to touch base with whether or not he realized it. We have close friends who once called us in a panic because their son at Cal hadn't returned their phone calls and he was prone to depression. We went and knocked on his frat house door, and verified he was ok. We were happy to do it, and that's why I don't hestitate to call on others to do the same for our kid.

For all of our high achievers, it's easy to forget that along with all the choices of classes and internships and career paths, they are having the first intense relationships with a gf or bf. If they're not, that is a source of anxiety about why they are not and if they ever will. If they are, there is the inevitable truth that one of them is more likely to be more invested in the relationship than the other and someone will be "dumped." As parents we can only hope it won't be during midterms or finals. I wish the best to you and to your son. I know your nights are sleepless, but try not to add guilt on top of the anxiety.

mstee

Momof2Inca-- I was just thinking about you, wondering how things were going. So sorry to hear this! But -- I am so very glad to hear that your son called you and got help. That is the most important thing. Please don't be so hard on yourself -- you could not have seen this coming. I know it is terribly easy to feel that you have failed somehow as a parent. I know that because I have felt like that when my own kids have hit bumps in the road. And I have a tendency to feel like others are judging me when my kids do the things they do. Actually, they ARE judging me, which is their shortcoming, not mine, but still, I find myself affected by it.

My oldest hit a sizeable bump in the road a couple of years ago. He didn't call home and ask for help -- he got help because his school made him go through counseling as a part of his being allowed to stay in school. But the good news is that, a couple of years later, he has settled down. Things are good for him. For now (fingers crossed).

I'm so sorry to hear about your colleague's son. Yes, that does put things in
perspective. So tragic.

Alumother

momof2inca. I want to make some kind of crack about where are the Peruvian gods of motherhood when you need them? Lord. But I don't imagine jokes are what you want. Maybe in a little while, as your boy recovers, they will be. It is so clear that you did your best. And that you adore your child. We all have to believe that counts for something because damn it they don't hand you the manual when they wrap the bloody little creature with its beat up face and pointy head, or perfect face and sticky hair, or whoever you get, they don't give you the damn manual.

You love your boy. It's kind of cheating to say my heart goes out to you, it's the Internet, all I have to do is type and I can't even make you a pot of Chinese beef stew with star anise or something maybe better suited as comfort for you. But you love your boy. That has to matter. Your husband got in the car and drove north right away. That has to matter. I have no data to assure you of this other than the sound of your voice but if the sound of your voice reflects your mothering I think your boy is going to be OK. I do. I really do.

Thanks for the post. Makes me want to show my 16-year old, who thinks when he has an emotion it's a sore throat. And maybe I will.

garland

Momof2--Thank you for sharing your story. You are truly a loving mom, and your H is a wonderful dad. I think we all (at least I) find it a shock that no matter how fine and loving parents we are, our basically wonderful kids still find the world to be a sometimes difficult place that sometimes, for a time, defeats them.

Sac's comment about the two kids conspiring over whose turn it is to throw the next monkeywrench at mom and dad feels very familiar to me!

It's heartening to hear that your S reached out to you, Momof2, and knew he could, when it got too much for him. So far, mine is still in the "I'm fine" camp, and maybe he is. But there's a lot of academic and adminitrative fallout he needs to deal with, and i don't know how much he is doing so. More importantly, I don't know how much the emotional pain which precipitated this has dissipated, and he ain't saying. He's always been Mr. Sunny, (unlike his older sister who always made it crystal clear when things weren't hunky dory).

So, we try to keep the lines of communication open, ask "how're you doing?" without trying to sound too probing, keep our fingers crossed, and try, most importantly, to remember what's most important, which isn't his GPA.

MomofWildChild

Momof2- I really feel for you and thanks for sharing your story. I'll keep you and your son in my prayers.
Remember (re: my attitude) that we went through total He11 with our son at ages 15-16, complete with hired escorts to haul him to a wilderness program, an emotional growth boarding school etc. I got to experience all the huge swings of emotions back then as I watched our family struggle and be held hostage by an out of control teenager. He learned a lot and matured a lot (obviously), so now that he is 20, I can take a slightly different approach.

curiouser

I'm reading this thread with tears streaming and wondering if we too have a situation on the verge of meltdown.

Thank you to Momof2 for your post....what you describe may be what we may need to face up to. I have written in the past about a swift decline of S last semester (as a 1st semester sophomore) and received many helpful posts. He too is introverted, extremely private, probably very good at hiding what's really happening.

Momof2, you so eloquently described the trememdous swing of emotions in dealing with a potentially "broken" kid..the anger, the guilt, the helplessness.
Somedays I feel like 3 different people as I swing from one to the other.

I don't know what's next in our story, but I can say that I wish I'd previously done the "7 hour drive" immediately to physically be with him. If I even get that scary gut feeling again, I won't be trying to rationalize it or believe the "I'm fine"s anymore.

For all of you sharing your stories, I wish you positive outcomes with your kids. And thank you, thank you, thank you for making me feel not so alone and opening my eyes.

PS I realize now, by the way, that my long response post about what we decided back in January never made it to the board (remember all the server glitches a few weeks ago?). My apologies to all who took the time to respond, especially those who PM'd me. You all were a tremendous source of insight and comfort.