marite

Momof2inca:

It's very hard to diagnose clinical depression if you've not experienced or witnessed it before.

I had an assistant who went into such a clinical depression but for the longest time, she refused to acknowledge it. There was always a plausible reason she was feeling glum or overwhelmed. After a while, I realized these were not the root cause of her erratic behavior and I threatened to fire her if she did not seek help. She very reluctantly went on medical leave while I tried to hold things together as best I could. She tried several kinds of medication until she found the right kind. Eventually she came back to work and has been fine ever since. That was about ten years ago.

As I said in an earlier post, clinical depression can surface in young people at around the time of college, and it is easy to misinterpret the signs because so much about college can cause anxiety from new surroundings, challenging courses, romantic troubles, etc... But as long as the clinical depression is brought under control, I feel sure that young people can thrive. I do think that your son has turned a corner and that he will be back to his normal self. It may be a relief for him to know that it was a chemical issue rather than an inability to cope with college that was the cause.

atempo

Momof2, Your last post really brings it all back. My husband and I have been in exactly the same place emotionally as you. As your son's recovery continues, you'll get through this stage and learn to trust him again. Just remember that your son isn't making rational decisions when he lies to you. He has an illness that's just as real and insidious as cancer.

My husband and I had to learn to change our approach with our son in order to facilitate his recovery. When we attended sessions with our son's wonderful psychologist, he helped us see that our son was incapable of making rational decisions. As a result, our tough love was exactly the wrong approach. The psychologist told us that we had to lay off him completely. We were to let him sleep all day, play video games, ignore our request for help with chores, and talk back without repercussions if he so chose. We learned that with true clinical depression, too much pressure from parents actually makes matters worse.

Hard as it was for us, this is exactly what my husband and I did. It was especially difficult for my husband. I don't know if it's a guy thing or what, but he simply couldn't understand why our son wasn't motivated to succeed like he had been in college. He blamed laziness and irresponsibility. Once we both backed off our son, however, we began to see real improvement.

We showered our son with love. If he talked back to one of us, we'd simply give him a hug and tell him we loved him. If he read a book, I'd read it, too, so I could discuss it with him. If he didn't want to join us at dinner (which was often, as he had no appetite), I'd pick up his plate without a word. We praised him whenever he completed even the smallest task.

One of the most helpful things we did was to bring home two puppies. They absolutely adored our son, and I could literally see his enjoyment of life creeping back as he played with them. In fact, I credit them with helping change his sleeping and gaming habits. Every morning, they galloped down our upstairs hall and leaped on his bed to slather him with wet puppy kisses. It was impossible for him to sleep late. It was the same thing with video games. Whenever he devoted his attention to games, the puppies jumped all over him and distracted him. He always wound up playing with the dogs instead of gaming.

As our son began to show improvement, we started giving him responsibilities. Our mantra was "Small goals." I sent him to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner. My husband asked for help with rugby practice. I had him hang up the shirts I'd washed that day. Eventually, he reached the point where we tested him by leaving him alone overnight with the puppies. I was worried sick, but he did magnificently. When we arrived home the next day, the kitchen was spotless, his bed was made, and the dogs were fed, watered, and happy. The next step was a long weekend alone, and he was again successful.

During this time, he began an internship. We were thrilled at his dedication and responsible behavior towards his job. My husband and I suggested that he sign up for two night courses at the local university, and he agreed. Even after working full-time during the day, he never missed a class. He beamed when he brought home two As at the end of the semester.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we knew when we had our son back. We knew when we could trust him again. If you still don't trust your son, perhaps he is not yet far enough along in his recovery. It took us nine full months, but we knew without question.

Reading through the concerns of some of the parents here regarding second semester blues reminds me of the onset of my son's disease. At the beginning of his sophomore year, he became very noncommunicative (or, should I say, more noncommunicative than usual.) Whenever we asked him how he was doing, he would answer "fine" just like many other kids in this thread. Over Christmas, he said he wasn't as happy as he thought he should be, but he was doing OK. I talked with him about his sleeping and eating habits, class schedule, and online gaming. Because I thought SADD might be a problem, I bought him a daylight lamp, multivitamins, and vitamin D supplements. (He never drank coffee or soda, so caffeine wasn't his problem.) I tried to stay in closer contact with him over the next semester, but he never seemed to want to talk. He was "fine."

He seemed happy over the summer, so I didn't worry when he went back to school. Over the course of his junior year, however, he again started feeling down. He wrote us a long e-mail one night saying he just wasn't happy. This time, I suggested counseling. When he said he didn't need it, I drove up to his school and took him to his appointments. After a while, he told us was was better and didn't need counseling anymore. We believed him.

Then came senior year. Ah, senior year. At first, our son seemed to be coping. As the year progressed, I began to notice he never answered, or returned, my phone calls. He never responded to my daily e-mails, even when I asked specific questions that needed answers. He never got on instant messaging anymore. I finally sent an e-mail informing him we were withdrawing our financial support if he didn't communicate with us. At that point, he sent the e-mail that resulted in our withdrawing him from school. Essentially, the e-mail said "he felt dead inside....he didn't find joy in anything anymore....he couldn't eat or sleep....he avoided his friends....he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed to attend classes."

This shocked me into action. I called a psychologist, who said my husband and I needed to get up to our son's school and bring him home immediately. So, without our son's prior knowledge, we drove up to his school and surprised him. Much to our amazement, he agreed with us when we told him we thought he should come home. The rest is history.

I'm aware that many of your children don't suffer from clinical depression. If, however, the posts in this thread help even one of you to recognize your child's symptoms as clinical depression, then they've served a useful purpose.

You know what one of the best things about our son's recovery has been? He FINALLY communicates with us. After almost four years of calling home only when he needed something, he now calls almost every day and sometimes talks for 30 minutes to an hour. These are quality talks, ranging from details about his everyday life to his feelings and emotions. He frequently tells us how much our support over the past year means to him and how much he loves us. The other day he sent an e-mail saying "Dad, I know you have to work an extra year before you retire because of me. I love you guys, straight up." Gulp.

I am so grateful to everyone who has helped us through this difficult time. Most importantly, I'm bursting at the seams with pride at what our son has achieved despite significant obstacles: his happiness.

MomofWildChild

atempo, thanks so much for the post. You give me hope! I think depression is very hard to recognize in boys. Congrats on coming out the other side.

The puppy account reminds me of how we acquired the love of my life, Charly, our big Golden (120 pounds). When WildChild was REALLY struggling at 16 and had been kicked out of a prep school and was home with us and out of control, he kept asking for a puppy. We had 4 cats and a nasty, old poodle that had gotten evicted from my aunt's nursing home. We said "no" to the puppy. Well, WildChild was SO desparate for something to "ground" him and for him to love, he stole our checkbook, found a breeder and came home with the most precious puppy you have ever seen. We held out our arms and the rest is history. My daughter (22) saw me "tucking him in" for the night in January and said that she and her brother have been officially replaced! After the arrival of Charly, we sent dear WildChild to wilderness and raised the puppy. I keep telling my son that getting the puppy was the real gift that came from all his acting out. Back to the point, the therapists told us that all these behaviors were signs of depression in our son. We were used to the mopey, teary, immobilizing kind of depression, and just didn't peg this one at all.

mom60

One thing we found is that when someone is in a deep depression even such a small step as finding there way to a counselor can seem overwhelming.

Also the counseling staff at some colleges are not trained enough to deal with major depression. Most schools employ interns. Or they only provide a certain number of visits. If your kids are at all prone to depression it is important you plan proactively and know what the school provides. Also if necessary to already have lined up an outside therapist before they even get to college.
With our oldest she had been doing well but we felt she needed to be able to see someone with all the changes that college would bring. Her therapist at home called contacts and talked with therapists in the college town to find someone who was a good fit.
My oldest still struggles and definitely has had some ups and downs. I third the power of a pet. My spouse is on his way today to visit with our child for the day with one of our dogs.

jazzymom

atempo: That was a great post, straight up.



MOWC: What a handful, but that kid's is going to achieve something someday. Talk about a go-getter.

momof2inca

And sometimes what they provide will be quite lacking. In October, when S finally decided that it was time to see someone to get some help for his major anxiety, he called the campus mental health center and was told that he could get a 20-min. phone appointment in THREE WEEKS time! Not even see someone in person. He set it up and then later found out the phone appointment landed at the time of his midterm. He gave up at that point (all of this without confiding in us that anything was even wrong) and wasn't able to talk to a professional until the day after Christmas. I'm thankful the two-month delay did not result in more serious harm, since he was self-medicating with various substances and behaviors. I told him I was proud of him for initiating help, even if it wasn't successful.

atempo- your post has also given me much hope. Thank you for sharing in such detail. We sound very similar in our approaches and experiences. You and your H are to be commended for how you handled your son's situation. I'm so happy to hear that he is doing well.

nceph

I find it very frustrating and troubling that kids who know they need help and gather up the courage, energy or whatever it takes to try to get it end up having such difficulty getting the help they need. I know with the girl my D and her friend went to their proctor about, the girl had tried to get an appointment but was told there was a three week wait. It was only when her hallmates were concerned enough to alert the proctor that she was bumped to the head of the line. And of course, that was probably bad news for someone else.

One other thing that has bothered me was my h.s. son's comment yesterday when I mentioned this thread and the difficulty students have coping with depression at college. His response, "I thought they kicked you out if you tried to get help." I know that he was thinking of a couple of well publicized incidents in which suicidal students were forced to take leaves of absence, and I believe I set my own S straight, but I wonder how many depressed students are fearful of getting help because they worry they'll be kicked out of school.

fourkidsmom

I'm so glad to see this, and it scares me at the same time. My jr in hs son has had bouts of anxiety and depression and the idea of sending him off to college is scary. Maybe because he has dealt with it in the past he won't let it go too far and will recognize it.
My neighbor's son is the one highlighted in the People magazine with the photo. It was a long year before he got back to school and his parents weren't upfront around us for awhile about what was going on with him. He is back in school (the original one, although his parents would have rathered he switch) and doing well.

curmudgeon

Folks, one thing is for sure. Whether our own kid's troubles be major or minor (or like mine, somewhere in the middle), we're not through parenting yet, are we?

garland

I'm probably lobbing a grenade here, but this thread makes me wonder--how often do parents hesitate to step into these kinds of situations and help their kids find help, now that we're all labeled "helicopter parents" so readily?

curmudgeon

garland, as you know some of us don't mind what we're called. Hesitate? Not a chance.

atempo

MOWC, LOL! Your son is quite the enterprising young man.

mom60, momof2inca, and nceph: You're all so right about the problems with counseling centers at many colleges. They're understaffed, overwhelmed, and unprepared to deal with so many depressed kids. When my son finally found the courage to make an appointment at his counseling center, he was told he couldn't be seen for four weeks. Concerned, I called the counseling center and asked to speak with someone. The therapist I spoke with told me 30 percent of students at that particular flagship state university sought counseling at some point during their college careers. That's a huge number! She did say kids were seen immediately when counselors thought they might be a risk to themselves. Kids could also be seen on a walk-in basis, but the waits were often hours long and many kids blew it off.

In addition, many colleges are in small towns. Even if your child decides to seek treatment elsewhere, it's difficult finding someone he or she relates to because there just aren't many therapists in town. And just try getting a depressed kid to see a therapist in town when he has to catch a bus to get there! Way, way too much effort involved. That's why I drove 7 hours every week to make sure my son made it to his appointments. Unfortunately, sometimes even that doesn't work. The only way to ensure that your child is getting the proper treatment and is actually taking his medication is to have him right under your nose at home.

One thing about suicide. Please, please warn your kids to take any talk of suicide by their friends seriously and report it to someone immediately. Although nobody suspected my son's roommate (one of 9 roommates) was depressed, he sent out a huge warning signal last year. After his funeral, a former high school girlfriend of his e-mailed my son a note that this roommate had written her last March (yes, coincidentally, just a week before my son's breakdown.) Here's an excerpt: "i have been feeling so incredibly depressed and worthless and its really painful. its not even that things are currently not going right, i dont even know what it is. I cant even get up for my 1 30 classes anymore. everything seems extremely hopeless. im sorry if this email is unreadable but im not even thinking straight im really confused. i thought that i really wanted to die the other night and started looking into what would be a good way to do it and what wouldnt cause brain damage if I failed..."

The girlfriend never told anyone about the letter. She said she didn't realize thoughts of suicide should be taken seriously. If the note had gotten into the hands of a responsible adult, perhaps things would have turned out differently and a wonderful family wouldn't be facing the devastating guilt and pain of their child's death.

Alumother

It is interesting that my D's experience with counseling and the McCosh infirmary was very different than what has been described here. During one of the drank-way-too-much incidents that characterized her second semester freshman year she fell down some stairs and hit her head and her knee. (Nice, huh?) She went to the student health center, McCosh, and was seen for the head injury to make sure it wasn't a concussion. They immediately asked her how much she had been drinking. Noted it in her file if I remember. Then at the second incident, which was the woke up not remembering time, she went back in and told them what had happened.

They were all over it. Sent her to a counselor. The counselor then wanted her to go to substance abuse group therapy. My D called me in tears, not wanting to go. In fact, I agreed. I thought it was medicalizing too early in the process. (Is that a word?) I wound up calling the counselor. First and only contact I have had with the university since she got there. I told the counselor that my D was very close to her family and a constant communicator and we would like to try to work it out ourselves first. Not a pleasant call. I got scolded is the only way I can put it. The counselor got very upset with me. My D was reported to the dean and had to have an appointment with her to discuss and everything. Once the dean found out the details, and after I called the dean's office to explain how we wanted to handle it, they eventually dropped the issue.

So I wonder if D had gone in for depression if they would have been so proactive or whether it is the liability and focus on managing drinking. Or maybe just that smallish undergraduate university handholding that the place advertises. I hope I never have to find out how their mental health services are. Or, at least, that if I do they pay as much attention to state of mind as blood alcohol level.

sax

Univ. of the Arts refused to refund any money to a student who left after 2 1/2 weeks with a Dr's note because the student was being treated by a Dr. previous to that semester and therefor should have know not to come to school. I named the school because I feel they earned the bad publicity. They kept the entire semesters tuition.

curmudgeon

Alu, D's was pretty aggressive also. Off campus referrals. Calls to the doc here at home. Overall I was very pleased with the response from the suitemate, to the RA, to the counselor. It appears they had a protocol in place and they were going to follow it. Thankfully it worked in our instance. Of course it could have been horrendous in others.