dke

How much should a parent tell their kids (especially teenagers) about their past? (past "dalliances", recreational drug use, various indiscretions/mistakes). I was listening to a psychologist on the radio who recommended that parents not tell any of this to their children. She said the parent ends up looking like a hypocrite (" I did it but you shouldn't") or like someone who, to their child, participated but made it to the other side just fine. Your thoughts?

jmmom

I like something I just read yesterday on this, which is a question that has always troubled me. I don't remember who the author was but she said that,when asked by her kids, she responded "When you are an adult, we can trade war stories, but for now, I am the parent and these are my rules for you." She said (her kids are now flown from the nest) that they seemed to appreciate this approach; that kids, despite what they may pretend to feel, value the security of viewing their parents without full exposure under the bright lights.

That said, I am fortunate that S never plied us with these qx. I had always planned to say, truthfully, re drugs that I never knew a soul who used them in hs (which was true, as I came of age in the middle ages). I figured if I could just get him to college... Almost there!

We do have a particular situation. H was a "prom night dad" lo these many years ago, and that is something that S could simply calculate out had he ever chosen to. I agonized and agonized over how "we" would discuss that when the time came. Turns out H had that conversation with S a couple years ago (S is now 18), and I think, in that particular case, his "don't cause yourself the complications that I did to my own life even though we all came through it fine" seems to have worked well.

pattykk

I don't give my daughter all the gory details, but we do talk about these things. I never used drugs, but I tell her what the climate was in my time and the effects drug use had on family members and friends. Regarding sex, I have shared with her how I felt at her age, why I chose to have sex, and how I wish I had handled my feelings. We have also talked about some unhealthy reasons people have sex, healthy relationships, and protecting yourself physically and emotionally. I made plenty of mistakes, and I know she will make her share too. I hope that talking with her about my mistakes in general terms will give her more protection than I had. I also think she would be comfortable talking to me if she does get in a tough situation. I don't agree with the radio psychologist. I think it is better to admit you make human mistakes and to use that as a basis for helping your child think through their decisions. They will still make some bad decisions, but they will be less naive. I think that psychologist is out of touch if she is advocating pretending that you didn't do what you are telling your child not to do. At our children's ages, telling them not to do something is really not an option any more, and they usually have pretty good bs detectors too.

robyrm

My husband is the eldest of 5 who have had, and whose spouses have had, very varied life experiences when it comes to dalliances of all sorts.

A few summers ago all the family adults were out for brunch and the topic came up...how old were you when.... I don't think my in-laws have yet recovered from some of the truths revealed!

Caution should be used, whether revealing with your children, or your parents! For the former, delay, delay, delay. We grew up in different times, we grew up with different drugs, we grew up with a drinking age of 18 (at least I did). My kids haven't asked explicitly(they see us as relatively straight arrows, I would guess), but when the general topic arises, we talk about kids we knew who made bad choices and the consequences of those choices. As far as alcohol is concerned, the party line has been that it is important to know who you are, and how to be a social person without alcohol before you can safely incorporate alcohol into your life. They know that we both were late bloomers ourselves on that account...If they explicitly asked (at this point) I would tell how I evolved from one person into another, and how various aspects of my life were part of that. I wouldn't talk about any one topic in isolation, because they didn't exist in isolation.

binx

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

Actually, our family is extremely honest and open, but I do like jmmom's answer. It really hasn't come up in our family - at least to this point. I think that is because of the children we have had living with us through foster care. Our birth kids saw results of teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, alcoholism, and multiple displays of selfishness. (Divorce custody battles, uncontrolled anger, teenage defiance, etc.) We talked through all the situations as they occurred. As a result, our kids have come to pretty strong, grounded conclusions on their own without our having to preach or command.

Because we loved and cared about the children in our home, we did try to present both sides whenever possible, and talked about how things might have gone differently. We talked about bad decisions vs. bad people, for example. Many of the children returned to their parents, and we did no one a favor if we just portrayed the parents as bad people.

Be that as it may, I still think the hardest thing in the world to do is to "allow" your children to make their own mistakes. One "mini-lecture" I have had with each of my kids, which they have appreciated, is this: It seems many people make decisions based on a defiant "Why not?" We suggest asking a thoughtful "Why should I?"

Newsgirl

I dont think outright lying is ever a good idea... at some point the truth, or some form seems to come out and then you really look bad. My advice is to keep it very general, avoid details & specifics if you can; keep bringing up the fact that times were different, laws were different, repercussions were certainly different back 'in the day'. And yes, we were young, and yes we 'made mistakes' and hopefully learned from them. We are all only human, after all.

SBmom

A good principle I have followed as my children have grown is minimal acceptable answers. For example, when a 3 year old asks where babies come from you say "the mommy's tummy" and they are satisfied. A six year old's questions go further.

As for drinking, drug & sex questions my policy has been not to share explicit details but not to lie either. I like the answer above about "war stories."

I think a parent should be as frank as possible without damage to the kid. At different ages different answers would be best.

cangel

SBMom has a good point. These conversations should begin early, and at that point the war stories are VERY inappropriate, what is appropriate is rules, limits, and expectations. Then as they began to get older, we shared stories of people we knew - good and bad outcomes. Now as my daughter is ready to go to college, we are going more to anecdotes (light on the details) of what things were like when we were in college - I don't know if we will ever get to the war stories, but I hope we get to the point of sharing a glass of wine with a good meal.

Not that I'm such a great parent, but I see so many parents putting no limits/restrictions on their kids - how in the world do the kids ever grow up, if they have always been treated as grown-ups? Haven't you ever been thrown into a job with no guidance or instruction on how to do the job, and felt totally lost and overwhelmed? That's how kids without limits feel. I think we parents are supposed to guide them to healthful, independent living, the best we can - common sense says you can't be guided to something you already have.

Little Mother

One anecdote about dealing with those "uncomfortable" questions. When S took the D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) program in elementary school, he asked me whether H or I had ever taken drugs. I asked him, "What do you think?" His immediate response was to snort: "What, you?! No way!" with much incredulity in his voice. (I think he regarded us then as two of the straightest ppl he knew.) That answered the question for us at the time. (Life was much simpler then.)

As others have said, honesty is usually the best policy provided everything is discussed in context. Casual sex today has much more serious ramifications and dire consequences than it had 30+ years ago. Marijuana today is much more potent that it was back then also.

schoolmarm

dke: Great question; hard to imagine anyone on CC who hasn't given it some thought. I'm enjoying reading the responses and look forward to reading additional posts since many of us went to h.s. and college during or shortly after the 60's! Here's the approach I've taken for what it's worth. D has asked the "what did you do in high school/ in college" type questions and the subject matter generally is sex, drugs and/or alcohol. I don't think she's prying; rather I think (and certainly hope) that she respects my judgment and will use my actions, in part, as a yardstick against which to measure her own. What I say, therefore, is that I'd prefer to discuss with you what I think about these topics today - because I now have the benefit of age, experience, hindsight, etc.; what I did during a different time period really isn't relevant to the underlying questions/concerns you have. We then go from there.
Pattykk - lol about the bs detector -- my D's typical response when I say - let's not talk about what I did or didn't do is: "Aha - that means you did it!"

runawaywithme

I'm a teenager in my early/mid teens and thought you might like to hear my point of view. I think that parents should be frank/open with their children in order to show them that what they are going through is not abnormal. Although it may be akward for the parent as well as the child to discuss the parents past experiences, I think it is good for the child to see that their parent/s went through the same stuff. However, these "talks" and dialouges should begin early so that the kids feel like they can come anytime and anywhere and it won't be a big deal. I don't agree with the one big " birds and bees" talk because one sporatic discussion feels too ackward.On topics like drinking and drugs, parents should be brutally honest and come out and say it. But they should also tell kids why it is good to not drink and not do drugs and maybe tell them that looking back, what they may have done differently and why. In terms of topics like sex, I'm not sure that parents should disclose everything but they should talk to kids about the pros, cons, and risks about sex, why it's good to wait,contraception, all of that. Overall, I think parents should just keep it real with kids. It's a balance of being our friend where we feel like we can talk to you about anything and also being our parent where we feel you can help us through stuff.

cheers

Older S is not the probing type. Besides, we have plenty of relatives who are still suffering from a variety of 'dalliances'. Both boys know those cautionary tales too well.

However, younger S is much more litigious. When we dressed him down for drinking beer, he immediately went on the offensive, "Don't tell me you never drank beer in high school!" Luckily, H was a teetotaller in high school! Narrow escape!

We have very frank discussions with boys--to a point.

collegeparent

The older the kid, the more he understands and the better (more understanding) will be the response. Kids in college are curious about what their parents did in college -- you can circle the wagons, as it were, but you don't have to go into the details for fear of attack. It's hard to believe, but actually gratifying for kids, to think that their parents were their ages back in the day. Times may change, but human nature doesn't. They've changed and so have you. So it's usually better to offer "true confessions" well after the fact. That is, it's better to disclose your own drinking in high school to your kids once they're in college or have turned 21. And at that point, they might share with you their own high school impecadillos. The college stories usually come out when the kids reunite with their college friends at their weddiings -- and then you wonder why you put out all that money for tuition since you need it to fund the wedding.

jmmom

college parent - your "timing" points are good ones. Some of us here are talking about our hs (or younger?) kids, some about college kids. To me, there's a big difference about how I'd answer questions, but I like your after-the-fact approach.

Re your last sentence, I wonder if it's too soon to start hoping my S marries a nice old-fashioned girl with a nice old-fashioned Dad who plans to pay for the whole shebang.

calmom

I've always been very open and honest with my kids. That doesn't mean to give them all sorts of details, but it does mean a truthful answer when asked.

I really think that the psychologist who advised parents to lie or withhold information to avoid looking like a hypocrite is very wrong -- as the kids grow older, they are likely to find out -- and then the parent is a liar. For example -- when my daughter was in middle school, an adult friend of mine told her that I used to be a pothead in college. I have no idea of the context, and I thought it was inappropriate for my friend to tell this to my then 13-year-old ... and "pothead" was definitely an exaggeration ... but fortunately it was not news to my daughter that I had used marijuana when I was young.

Other than insulating one's preteens and teenagers from any and all contact with one's adult friends and relatives, I don't know how this can be prevented -- and the issues are going to come up.

Our kids are going to face the same issues that we did: drugs, alcohol, sex -- and they are most likely to be influenced by peer pressure. If we have been honest with them and they perceive us as knowledgeable and truthful, then they might also listen to our advice. If we've lied -- then the kids are going to mistrust anything we say. Plus -- we are sending the message that it is o.k. to lie about that kind of stuff -- I wanted to set the example of being open and frank so that my kids would also feel comfortable in talking to me about what they are seeing their peers doing and what was going on in their own lives.