Advice needed - S conflicted about leaving friend for independent school

NYMomof2 · 10-08-2007, 01:41 AM

I'm also posting this in the Prep School Admission forum.

My 9th grade S needs to get out of our public HS. He is very bright and the school is very small, and he needs much more academically than they can provide. He applied to local day schools for 9th grade, but was waitlisted. Now it's time for him to start the process for 10th grade, with an expanded list of schools, and he is trying to decide whether to go ahead or not. The only thing holding him back is that he does not want to leave one of his friends behind. This boy is very dependent on my S. He is the kind of kid who is an outcast in any situation. My S is his only friend, and he knows that if he leaves the other boy will be alone in a bad situation (there is some hostility toward this boy from the teachers, too). They became friends in MS when my S was the only kid who was nice to the other boy. Now they share a geeky interest, several of my son's other friends left the school this year, and the two of them are together constantly.

DH and I have been talking to our S about schools, and he looks absolutely stricken when the subject comes up. He feels that he would be betraying this other boy, who is so dependent on him, if he were to leave, yet he sees 4 years in the public HS as an interminable sentence. The other boy will be devastated if my S leaves. There is no possibility of another school for him. There very well may not be another school for my S, either, because the chances of a place opening up for him are small.

I'm trying to find the right words to say to my son so that he feels free to make his decisions without considering the other boy. I can't say that the other boy won't care, because he will, or that he will find other friends, because he may not.

Another complication is that we may be relocating in the next year or two. There are some things going on that will tip the balance between staying here or moving. One of them is my son's school situation. If he were to get in to a local day school, then we would make every effort to stay here. If he doesn't, then moving becomes much more likely. We have not talked to him about the possibility of relocating, and do not want to until we've decided. But maybe he should know that going to a different local school is probably the best way for him to keep his friendship?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Decisions must be made quickly.

ADad · 10-08-2007, 08:12 AM

Quote:

We have not talked to him about the possibility of relocating, and do not want to until we've decided.

It is going to be painful when S learns that he stayed with his friend in school only to move out of town. For one thing, S might well feel betrayed.

What leads you to withhold information about the possible move from him?

SBmom · 10-08-2007, 09:38 AM

I think your S shows alot of character, to be such a good friend.

oldfort · 10-08-2007, 10:25 AM

This is all part of life. We all leave people behind when we move on. At the same time we can't be responsible for someone else's happiness, not even your spouse's. It is a very hard, painful thing for a young person to handle. By going to another school, it's not as bad as relocating. At least, he will still be able to see his friends on weekends.

My daughter went to an independent day school. She went there all her life, but many other students came in 7th, 9th grades, or 10th sometimes. They all adjusted very well and many of them were able to maintain their old friendship.

If your son has an opportunity to go to a good private school, I would highly recommend it. It didn't necessary help my daughter get into a better college, but it certainly prepared her well in terms of time management, study skill, and writing skill. She is not struggling as much as in college as some of her friends. The workload is not as shocking to her.

NYMomof2 · 10-08-2007, 10:30 AM

Adad, there are a couple of reasons that we have not mentioned the possibility of relocating yet. I think it's better not to mention something like that until it becomes at least a probability, because it is upsetting. I hesitate to bring it up as a factor in the school discussions because I believe that it gives a child too much power, and too much responsibility, to let him know that his decisions could have a major influence on the future of the entire family. It is true that if he were thriving in a local day school, this could be the deciding factor in a decision to stay here. But is it a good idea to let him know this? As it is, he is feeling great pressure about the decision now, even without knowing everything that might hinge on it.

SBmom, Thank you for the kind words about my S. He is a very good person, incapable of being mean, and in the past (around 6th-7th grade) he has taken other friends to task for nasty comments toward this boy. He has lost friendships over it, but I suspect these friendships would not have lasted, anyway. And he does not hang around with this kid out of pity, he genuinely likes him. He is oblivious to the things that make the boy an outcast.

NYMomof2 · 10-08-2007, 10:32 AM

oldfort, I agree completely, but my son is having a hard time seeing this. He is with this boy constantly, he knows how much the other boy needs him, and he knows how hurt the boy will be if he leave, and how isolated he will be in school. I think he also knows that if we were to go to a better school, he would become very involved, and would end up not spending all that much time with this kid. He's been to CTY twice, and knows what it can be like to be with a compatible group.

Chedva · 10-08-2007, 10:37 AM

There will be little way to reduce your son's concerns, if he really is as you describe him. In the end, it comes down to "Yes, we know how hard it will be on Kevin if you leave, but we are your parents and we have to do what is best for you. Let's see where you get in for next year - this may not even be an issue - and then we can revisit." There's no need to buy trouble if indeed his odds of getting into a day school in 10th grade are so small.

NYMomof2 · 10-08-2007, 10:42 AM

chedva, they are small, but we want him to apply anyway. He feels guilty about even making the applications, as if he is betraying his friend. We will talk to him about keeping options open. After all, he doesn't have any decision to make at the moment.

Chedva · 10-08-2007, 10:51 AM

That's exactly what I meant - there's no decision to make. If you tell him that nothing is carved in stone, he may feel better right now. Then worry about April when April comes.

ucsd_ucla_dad · 10-08-2007, 05:07 PM

I don't think your S should let himself be held back from opportunities because he thinks his friend couldn't have any friend if it weren't for your S.

There are some people who are 'one friend' people where they tend to latch onto an individual to the exclusion of others. If that person is no longer available they seek out another. Your S's friend might be this way. Once your S is no longer there all the time the friend will likely find another friend. Your S going to the other school might almost 'free' the friend into expanding his horizons a bit and learning how to make other friends.

Wouldn't you S still be able to do things with the friend after school sometimes and on weekends?

Your S should definitely go where he has the best opportunities.

NYMomof2 · 10-08-2007, 05:18 PM

I agree completely, but the problem is how to get my son to agree. It's hard for him to take actions that he sees as potentially hurting his friend. I also think the other boy would have trouble finding another friend. He'd need to find someone who was both compatible and oblivious to, or willing to ignore, the stigma attached to being friendly with an outcast. I can't even convince myself that it would be good for the other boy if my son were to leave, let alone convince my son.

He would still be able to see the boy outside of school, and I will stress that.

Schmoomcgoo · 10-08-2007, 05:36 PM

My son has been in a very similar situation. He was the only friend of a super geek outcast while my son was (is) an amicable, extroverted, pseudo-geek. In elementary and middle schools my son was this kid's only connection to the rest of the student body and the only thing standing between him and frequent @$$-kickings. Theirs was, and continues to be, a genuine friendship though. Now, in their second year of high school, they are still friendly, but now they are in an honors program within the school and the other kid has become more accepted in that setting. My son and this boy have develped rather disparate political views that, while causing no real animosity, have caused a realignment toward a more distant association. It's fine. They are both fine.

I guess what I'm saying is that your son doesn't know what the future holds for either boy. It is unfair to both boys: 1) to assume the other can't make it without him and 2) to your son to let that notion govern his own choices. Consider too that proximity makes friendship easier, but distance doesn't preclude it. Even in another district your son can remain friends with this boy and others and, thus, still influence the environment he leaves behind (the internet really has facilitated this.)

ucsd_ucla_dad · 10-08-2007, 05:42 PM

Is there any way your S and this friend could expand their mutual circle of friends - perhaps by doing activities (sports, clubs, videogaming, etc.) with others? The HS age is an age of social definition for a lot of people where some expand their social horizons and others choose to limit it. Maybe a year from now the whole situation will be different and improved for the friend.

cheers · 10-08-2007, 06:38 PM

Gaining admission to elite prep schools as a transfer student is very very difficult. The odds rise to impossible heights.

Accepting that your son didn't get in last year (the usual transfer admit time) and realize that he hasn't been offered a place off the waitlist.

There is probably no need to re-apply and no need to insist that your son leave his friends.

Think about enrolling him in challenging summer programs at one of the boarding schools.

NYMomof2 · 10-08-2007, 10:54 PM

I certainly realize that the friendship could change. My son does not need the other boy, but the other boy needs him, at least at this point. The other boys who are my son's friends do not like the other boy, The near-constant presence of the other boy actually limits my son's other friendships, and potential friendships.

I realize that his chances of admission for 10th grade are slim, but they're not zero. It's worth a try, given the shortcomings of our public school.