riverrunner

My d is in the middle of official visits to colleges. The custom seems to be to exchange facebook info with athletes currently on the team to keep in touch. Immediately this opens the door for the coach and anyone else to take a look at everything on her "wall", photo collection, profile, etc. I've warned my d that she must be sure that everything visible must be something she'd be proud to share with future coach, admissions officer, and so on. It's information much more revealing than a 500 word essay....

paying3tuitions

Next step: consultants to advise kids on how to package their facebooks to impress the coaches! Yikes.

soozievt

^^^LOL. That's funny, though not so far fetched!~

I don't know this for sure, as I am not on facebook, but I think my older D may have it on some privacy setting and I wonder if it is due to being a grad school applicant. She is not one to have inappropriate stuff of her own choosing on a personal site. I just know her this way. But on facebook, others can post pictures on your page or leave messages and so forth, that you do not entirely control.

Also, while I thought her name is not a typical one, I think there is another college student on facebook with her name and a high school student as well. Hopefully, any important person who does this search will realize those kids aren't her. I'd like to think that could be easy to determine as the college name is different, as is the grad year and one is a high schooler. But ya gotta wonder.

lealdragon

I don't think you have any reason to feel embarrassed. Whatever is on the internet is open to the public. If your son & his gf posted personal stuff, they surely know that anyone (even Mom) might see it!

I've never bothered to look at my son's MySpace page (or Facebook or whatever they do now) but if I came across it accidentally, I wouldn't feel bad about it.

MotherOfTwo

My son (graduated in 2006 and working at a permanent job) told me a friend of his posted a message on his Facebook wall congratulating him on being offered a new job at a great company. He had to quickly remove the post because at that time he did not want his current employer to know that he was considering leaving for the new job. His friend, whom he had told about his offer, did not realize that it was not to be broadcast to the general public and was trying to do something nice by congratulating him on Facebook. But if my son had not quickly removed it and it was seen by the wrong people, he could have been in major trouble with his employers.

paying3tuitions

Ooh, that's a great lesson to learn, MotherOfTwo. I guess when our kids have good news, they should tell their friends if it's "public" or not yet. Nobody would want to hurt their friend's chance at a new opportunity! Good that your son was quick to respond.

eimSD

I've checked in on my d's facebook, and earlier myspace. She's in her 2nd year of college now, 19 years old. I've occasionally "discovered" things about my daughter, which she did not share with us. When she was in high school, 17, we confronted her about something we saw, a party (apparently no parents present) she went to when she'd told us she was sleeping over at a friend's house. Tears were shed, she was cut off from friends for a while... Overall, she's a good kid. Good grades, participates in music, journalism. No behaviour/health problems. No acting out. Probably just typical stuff. I guess... Now it's different. Since she's over 18, and in colloge, I know the partying, etc., is going to happen. All the same, there have been a couple of things where we were misled on, lied to about. I don't really want to confront my d, because I like having the ability to look into her life, she changed her myspace privacy settings after the incident in hs; I'm now able to look at her facebook through an account I set up for myself. But I'm sure she could close that window if she knew I was looking. It's not so much what she's doing that's bothering me, but that she's not letting us know, or outright deceiving us about what's happening. Can one really expect honesty at this age (with regard to these kinds of things, partying, etc.)? I wish we had a closer relationship, where she felt she could be honest about these things. Don't know really what I'm asking.... just wanted to vent a bit. It's frustrating.

mkm56

I just googled my kids to see what came up--evidently we selected very common ethnic first names for our kids. Over 2 million hits on one kid, and over 1.5 on the other two--if there is anything there, it is well hidden among all the famous people--authors, painters, biologists, physicists, musicians....

chocoholic

eimSD,
I feel like I have a very close relationship with my kids. They share good times as well as problems with me. At the same time, I am sure there is much that they don't share, nor do I expect them to.

What is your D doing that you feel is dishonest? You see her drinking a beer on FB, but when you ask her if she drinks, she says "No". Is that the kind of dishonesty you are referring to? To what extent should you be questioning your kids? I believe that they are 18, and if you think you did a fair job raising them, your job is done. She is bringing home good grades, is happy and involved in school, she needs to lead her own life now. Maybe the reason she is "lying" to you, is that you are probing too much, and she does not want to face judgement and criticism.

WHAT I would worry about far more, is that her FB is open, and you, as a stranger can read, and see pictures. That is definitely a problem for her. Even though you like having that peephole into her life, you should advise her to make it exclusive to friends she chooses, and caution her about the photos she puts up.

doubleplay

Kids lie about things when they think that telling the truth is going to cause more problems/hurt them more than telling the lie. Maybe your daughter feels that the repercussions, if she tells you she drinks, will be too harsh. This can be simply that she doesn't want to be chastised, questioned, or just doesn't want to hurt mom and dad or cause them to lose repect for her.

When I was in college, one night I was assaulted by an intruder- woken from a deep sleep. I did not tell my parents about it because, gasp, my bf was sleeping over (he was in the next room- I was on the couch in the front room because I'd been trying to finish up a book). I didn't want them to know because I thought I'd be in trouble for having the bf over, and that they would end up coming up to the school, getting all in an uproar, want me to move out of the apartment, etc.

They even called me one night a couple weeks after it happened, to warn me that they'd heard there had been a rash of intrusions/assaults on coeds in the town/dorms, and to be careful! ("Yes, mom... don't worry, I'll be OK.") It was YEARS later that I told them, and they were astonished that I'd kept it from them. Looking back as an adult now, it does seem silly, but I was only 20 years old and didn't want them upset. That's a pretty big thing to not tell your family. Now that's a good example of where my internal cost/benefit analysis as a young naive woman, kept me from sharing.

curmudgeon

mkm, put " "'s around their name, or if that's still too many use their name and another qualifier "My Kid + basketball" or "My kid + Rhodes".

binx

My D has used the same password on her accounts since early teens (when it was our requirement that we have access). Not only does she know I still have access to her FB, but she'll send me emails saying, "Something just happened, but I don't feel like writing it all over again. Check my facebook."

And my boys know that, since I have access to her page, and they are "friends" with her, I can see theirs, too. They seldom post anything exciting, though. But my oldest does put photos there now and then - easiest way of sharing them with me.

eimSD

Chocoholic -- good advice... What's she doing that I see as dishonest? Well, she goes to school about 220 miles away from home (we live in San Diego, she goes to school in Santa Barbara), we'd gotten her a new (cheap) car this summer, as the amtrak trip was pretty long, generally over 6 hours. A couple of weeks after school started, I see that she came home to a party at her best friend's house, whose parents were out of town. Didn't tell us she was coming back home at all (we didn't see her that weekend, nor did we ever get any information that she was down here.). She was just home for Thanksgiving, we were commenting on the number of miles on the car, that it was kind of high, had she taken any long trips? Answer: "No." I guess I can understand, I was just disappointed. (I can understand, because my husband did give some direction that he didn't want her doing a bunch of extra trips, taxi-ing people all over the place.)

This past weekend, she told us she was going to a bonfire on the beach on Sat. night, turns out she really went to SDSU to a party, excelled at beer pong.

I was only able to see her facebook when I added a network to my page which she also has, locality based.

Thanks for the input, advice.

mkm56

Thanks curm, I tried different combos. I might as well have named them John and Jane Smith--even with several qualifiers I'm still getting thousands!

eimSD

Doubleplay -- thanks also for the input. I'm sure it's probably pretty much the same with my daughter, as to why.