sanjenferrer

How do I got about making sure that the person I'm dating is HIV-? I asked him once, and he said he's "clean." I then asked him how he knew but he got upset, saying I didn't trust him. It's not that I don't trust him... I trust that he believes he's negative, but what if he's positive and just doesn't know?

He says he he knows because he's had sex with only two other people before, and both recently tested negative. The tricky thing is that to know for sure, one must get tested 3 months after having the last encounter, and 3 months is a long time to wait without doing anything! Also, how do I know if he didn't get HIV from his parents (who I heard were wild in their younger days...his dad has sex with everyone now so he must've been really horny back then as well).

I was thinking of going to some place so we could both get tested, but I don't know how to bring up the subject again. We haven't had anal sex yet because I told him I wasn't ready, but more than that, I'm scared of the risks involved. I was taken aback during our first encounter because I didn't think he would do anything, but he was really aggressive and one thing led to another and we ended up doing oral sex. I was terrified for several days after that until I came across a UCSF Med School study saying that for partners who don't know their status and have only unprotected anal sex (no anal), the chance of transmission with ejaculation in the mouth is 1 in 2500 at the worst and 1 in 5,000 at best. This applies EVEN IF the person giving is HIV+.

Risk of HIV Infection Through Receptive Oral Sex

That was comforting, but I'm the type of person who worries about this sort of thing anyway because there's ALWAYS that risk, you know? So ever since then, I've refused to give oral sex (the risk for receiving is relatively extremely minute, so I was fine with that as long as he was).

So in summary, making sure someone is HIV- is really tricky because of the medical procedures of getting tested (waiting 3 months) and trust issues involved. Any advice?

jessetfan

If I were in your shoes I would insist on both of you getting tested before continued sexual activity. It's not a matter of trust; it's a matter of safety for you both to know your status before engaging is risky behavior. I would also recommend using condoms or dental dams for everything, including oral sex, if you are worried about the chance of HIV transmission. Of course, I happen to be obsesive about safe sex.
Could it be that your partner is having another issue that you aren't aware of? Perhaps afraid of needles, especially since his knowledge of his status is through those he has been with testing negative. Perhaps he is concerned about what you will think if you know that he is uncomfortable with needles. Perhaps he is afraid of a stigma that could come with testing positive, check into anonymous HIV testing sites so that if that is your partners fear you can make sure to have the information available.
If you have a fear that your partner might be positive it is a matter of respect for you that your partner get tested. Even with the low transmission stats you posted for oral sex you really don't want to be the unlucky one. Get tested, use protection, practice monogamy, and you should both come through this just fine, if there isn't enough respect for you to get a simple blood test then perhaps this is not the man for you.

ebeeeee

I understand your concerns about the HIV testing. I would be very concerned. There were some other items in your post that really raised red flags for me too. During your first encounter he was very aggressive. You weren't expecting to do anything but ended up.....
Are you sure this is the right partner for you?

sueinphilly

fyi, when you have sex with someone it's like going to bed with EVERYONE they have ever had sex with.

I think that blood tests are in order whenever a new partner comes on the scene.

Anyone who won't do that isn't worth risking your life for.

Condoms do protect, but they can also fail and result in pregnancy or worse. And of course they have no effect on oral sex.

Sex isn't worth dying for.

Hanna

"of course they have no effect on oral sex."

Sure they do. In fact, they are extremely effective; you just have to use them for oral sex. This is what unlubricated and flavored condoms are for.

ninja.of.love

Go get tested together and then take him out to dinner or a date he'll enjoy afterward. Doing it together should show that you're as concerned for his safety as you are for your own. Just my 2 cents.

bulletandpima

My 2 cents...

Say to him I will only have sex with someone that respects me, so if you do, than you WILL get tested. If he still refuses or gives excuses then there's your answer about how much he cares about you...b/c it's not only about AIDS there is alot of other situations that he won't be around for.

AT my d's school for NHS, the guess speaker (only about 23) said if the guy asks you to have sex and says he loves you, tell him you will as long he first goes and tell my DAD that. Every parent cheered, and the kids got the pt. 2 yrs later she still says that she thinks it was the best piece of advice anyone gave her

sanjenferrer

Well, we're both guys, and I do trust that he believes he's HIV-. What I'm thinking is abstaining from anything from 3 months, get tested and then go from there. I'm terrified of having HIV though. Most likely I don't, right (otherwise, I would be under incredible amounts of stress for 3 months)? ...given the chances of transmission to the receptive partner if the insertive partner is HIV+ is 0.04%, and that's if the oral sex with ejaculation is done regularly. I did that with him only once. Plus, both of his previous partners tested negative, and he's not promiscuous (right now, he says he's not doing it with anyone besides me, and I truly believe that). I think he cares about me enough that if he knew he were HIV+, he wouldn't lie.

alwaysamom

I think getting tested is something that anyone who is having a sexual relationship should do, ideally. Same with practicing safe sex and using reliable birth control every.single.time. for heterosexual couples. Certainly, if you are in a longterm, committed relationship and are confident in your partner's fidelity then, after a period of time, testing should become unnecessary. However, safe sex should not.

Sorry, bullet, but I think that advice given at your D's h/s is a little silly. At what point, assuming that it was actual advice and not a humorous anecdote by this 23 year old, do you no longer have to consult with DAD? Kids need to have information and be taught how to make good choices in life so that they are capable of make decisions about when and with whom to have sex, as well as in many other areas of life.

bulletandpima

Even if you are both guys...my statement still stands...why get involved sexually with someone who doesn't respect you. If he respects you than he will repesct that you are willing to do this for him if he asked.

Always this occured at a hs. Her father and I have always been open discussion with all of our children. We will have to agree to disagree, sometimes children will listen to people other than their parents faster. When a 23 yr. old guy says it, they "get it". When Mom and Dad say it, it's Mom and Dad. BTW I have spoken with older sibling about his relationship and he knows I want him to be safe, b/c a baby would be the best of the worse outcomes if something happens...we don't have our head in the sand.

sanjenferrer

Thanks for the advice anyone, but should I be worried sick that I might have HIV? I think the odds are against it considering:

1. Partner claims he's negative
2. All of his previous partners recently tested negative
3. Chances of transmission from receiver to giver of oral sex (with ejaculation) is 0.04% if both have sex regularly and even if the giver is HIV+; he ejaculated into my mouth only once, and I didn't let the semen linger there
4. Even if the semen lingered there, the mouth has enzymes that would kill the virus. The lining of the mouth and throat are also pretty thick and wouldn't let the HIV virus go through easily... so unless there are open cuts, the risks of infection is close to zero.
5. I had no open sores or anything in my mouth. No sore throat, STDs, etc.
6. Partner abstains from drugs, which could increase the viral load.
7. Partner and I are monogamous.

sanjenferrer

Oh, btw, my clarification about our being both males is directed to the poster concerned about the pregnancy risk.

sanjenferrer

Lol, I tried calling this HIV hotline and ended up dialing the number of an autoshop mechanic. He was like what are you talking about? I was talking about CDC statistics. It was kinda funny. Anyway, I did dial the number correctly the second time (9 instead of a 4) and received assurance from a medical expert that my chances of having contracted HIV is extremely low (like I said, less than half of 1%), so I shouldn't be extremely worried. He said that if I wanted to know for sure, I should get tested. Phew... I was going to die of anxiety, because this came at a time when I'm actually seeing good things happening in my life for a change, and I didn't want to throw all of those things away. I really hate sex now because of the risks involved. I definitely don't want to have sex now unless my partner shows me his medical reports.

bulletandpima

Glad to hear that you did the mature thing by calling experience professionals.

Also don't do it unless they RESPECT YOU!

I have a family member who was committed in a partnership for over 20 years (my godmother) she lost her partner the day b4 NJ legalized civilian unions. Lets hope she will be the last.

My ex sister-in-law (divorce) has a brother that has been HIV positive for 16 years (has been in a committed relationship for the last 12 partner is still HIV neg).

BTW I am one of those christians that believe it is not a choice, and you can't be re-programmed. However, I do believe society should be re-programmed to understand that no one would want to fight their entire life for acceptance. My Godmother and her partner were in love...she was raised in a Catholic family and had to get married (eventually divorced), I figured out at a young age "something was different...female room mates" but my parents never kept me away from her, and when my parents seperated they relied on her to help raise me...yes, they knew, but they never feared she would convert me.

BTW she obviously didn't convert me b/c I have been happily married for 19 years to a terrific guy!

sanjenferrer

After this scare, I really want to get involved with HIV+ youth now. I do a lot of work with LGBT homeless youth, but I want to get involved in the HIV cause specifically. I think it's such a tragedy.

Thanks for sharing your story, btw. I really appreciate it.

Just to clarify, this guy is very respectful. I might not have portrayed him as good-natured but he really is. He's just aggressive (though not like a rapist aggressive) when riled up. He didn't force me or anything...I conceded (never thought I would but I was caught in the heat of the moment, and at that point, I simply trusted his word that he was HIV-. I didn't know that he didn't actually didn't get tested and just relying on his previous partners' tests coming out negative). We really are the last people you'd suspect would have sex on the first date. I know he wouldn't risk my life nor his, because we both have grand ambitions for the future (he wants to go to med school and I some kind of grad school). I trust that if he believes either of us is at risk, he'd say so.