Mombot

We all read the book "Colleges that Change Lives." How has your child's college changed his or her life? What have you noticed, for good or for ill, in your child's attitudes and beliefs?

Mombot

I'll start, since the reason I was prompted to begin the thread was my own kid, who is a freshman this year. This kid is the ROTC dream recruit--straight A, buttoned up, a place for everything and everything in its place. She made her bed every morning before she left her room, and believe me, nobody else in our family has ever made a bed other than changing the sheets once a week.

A family friend, a very insightful therapist, made the observation that she needed to "grow a heart." This was when she was about 13. She's keenly analytical and very smart, but not warm and fuzzy.

So off to college and she is confronted with: three roommates, two of whom are incredibly messy and all of whom are rabidly conservative Bush supporters (she is not).

I'm just so proud of her. She's grown so much as a person--and that heart is really growing. She loves her roommates, in spite of the fact they drive her nuts they are good people and she can see that. She's opened up to a lot of social concern things that she was not aware of or slightly hostile to in high school.

Early days, but all in all I'm looking forward to seeing how it all turns out as never, ever would have predicted she would go in this direction. She seems t o be heading for education or social work..based on who she was a couple of years ago I would have predicted business.

sueinphilly

I think he's growing up. He's a younger freshman. One of those October birthdays.

He thought he would be majoring in math, and while he's predominately taking required classes, I think he may be more interested in international relations/politics than math. I didn't see that coming.

My son has always been a very social, confident person. But not the efficient, organized person I tried to force him to be :-)

I think college is helping him to see why planning is good.

He has been working, making his own money that I have no 'say' over.

Parents sometimes have a hard time adjusting to the fact that their kids are growing up. We want to make things right and protect them. You can't do that from a distance.

So far college has been a good experience for my son, both socially and academically.

mom55

I'll talk about my daughter, who is a junior. In high school she was smart, but somewhat disorganized and a procrastinator, and I thought she could go either way as a college student...either slack off a bit ot buckle down. I think her college, a LAC that has a lot of passionate, driven kids, helped her to choose the buckle down route. She works really hard and is quite organized! She also runs varsity XC and track at the college, with daily practice and weekend meets.

I have been thinking about and commiserating with friends about the cost of college, especially with a recession looming. We all feel the pain and it has sometimes become a lens through which we view our kids' behavior. (e.g., "I just wrote a $17K tuition check and you haven't looked for a job yet?" or "During vacation he's been partying every night and sleeping til 2pm. Does he know how hard I am working to send him to school?")

I do think that my daughter's work ethic and love of her studies has made me feel better about the cost and happy for her positive experience.

binx

My D is the youngest, and known around here as the princess. She really is spoiled. Honestly, we seldom tell her no (and seldom need to). She is sweet, smart, friendly, and fairly confident (perhaps a better word would be brave). She is a self-starter, but the least "perfectionistic" of my 3 kids.

But we can see some real maturing in her, as well. She is developing an awareness of the world and people around her. She and her roommate are polar opposites, (physically, socially, politically) but seem to be turning into very close friends. She is becoming more opinionated with us. I've been refinishing the front staircase, and over Christmas she pointed out a few uneven spots, and suggested that I might want to redo those before it's too late, because I'll always wonder if it could have been better. That is really unusual for her to have an opinion at all about something outside her own business, and even more unusual to express it. I was tickled. I see her social confidence blossoming, and she is developing empathy.

At school, she is apparently far more neat and organized than her roommate. You would never know that from here, though. Within moments of arriving home, her room looked like a tornado had been through. However, she did manage to sort out some dresser drawers while she was home. (I remain baffled at how she can take an entire wardrobe to college, and still have overflowing dressers at home.) She brought me a stack of commemorative t-shirts to donate to Goodwill. I'm trying to think of something creative to do with them instead. Any ideas? Not sure t-shirt material lends itself to quilting.

We are still working on her learning to take control of a little bit more of her life, rather than expecting it to be done for her. In her case, attending a school far away has been an excellent decision. Absolutely prevents me or her father from coming to the rescue.

Marian

With my daughter, who just went back to college for the second half of freshman year, I don't see any changes at all. Not yet.

With my son, who is a college senior, I see plenty of changes -- in terms of increased maturity, greater focus, and an ability to get along with a wide variety of people -- that I would not have expected when he was in high school. But whether this is just a matter of getting older or is specific to his college experience is something I can't figure out.

07DAD

My freshman S is already talking about having met with advisors, Junior year summer abroad programs, majors and minors and has a schedule for when he wants and needs to take particular courses. He even has looked at some graduate school programs for an idea of what it takes to get in and cost. MUCH more forward thinking and planning.

Grades have been stellar WITHOUT any hovering on parents part. In fact, its "don't ask" since he was told before he left for college that HE had to replace any lost merit scholarship money. So, his prioritizing and self motivation seems to have been honed at college. He took Cal III because he had to and made an A which seems to me indicates he is learning the lesson of you don't have to like it to need to do it well.

He's "swimming" just fine. In the old "sink, or swim" tradition, S has (1) stayed within a fixed and somewhat limited budget, (2) has arranged all his airplane researvations and (3) handled the balancing game between parents and friends while home for the holidays.

Seems college is imparting traits of responsible adults and he is picking them up. Great to see that he has retained his zest for life and open-ness to try new things. No HS experience and now he is Dance minor? W mentioned that this was also a way for him to meet lots of active, fit girls. So, he seems to have all the bases covered.

Makes all the trials and tribulations of parenting through the younger years fade to a halo memory.

mythmom

Hm. I'm with Marian. Same old S. Except now he is more social and seemingly more of a teenager. Grades were fine; not straight A but no one does that at Williams. At least one A and nothing under B. But focus of his life is his entry.

D, junior, is a woman. Got herself into King's college for a semester with no help from any program. Is organized. Wrote a paper that her teacher says is a new area of research in her discipline and probably publishable with changes. Focused, dynamic.

Now, I think my S needs some kind of life coaching from 07DAD. But he has always been thus. As a baby, he refused to hold his one obligatory weekly bottle -- just threw it on the floor and screaming. I thought he had muscle wasting disease or something.

Has just met swell girl in NYC so he now has some motivation to earn money to visit her.

Has just received commission to write a film score -- students, no money, but a big project.

He's the creative type, obviously. Hmm.

LIMOMOF2

Binx - I know if you do an internet search you can find instructions for making a t-shirt quilt. I think it involves using iron-on interface to make the fabric a little stiffer, or sewing muslin to the backs of t-shirt blocks. I haven't made one yet, but I have been thinking about it as my D just gave me a bunch of old t and sweatshirts (from sports, parties, etc.). Good luck!

Northstarmom

S, a freshman, has come into his own. An extremely bright kid who had such weak self discipline and organizational skills that despite scores in the 99th percentile, he almost didn't graduate from high school is carrying an "A" average at his LAC and was invited to join the freshman honor society.

The once extremely shy kid whom I used to have to force to participate in ECs (He also was so perfectionistic that if I'd waited for him to choose would still be deciding) got very involved in several ECs on campus, including giving a leadership workshop in one, and becoming a board member of another.

He also scouted out and went to things like guest lectures on campus -- even when none of his friends went, and he has volunteered in the local community.

He also has handled well the challenges of having roommates. And he has stretched himself by taking some classes in areas that he wasn't that familiar with.

The icing on the cake is that when he came home for Thanksgiving and Christmas break, he went out of his way to be helpful -- even straightening up and taking out the trash without being asked. He also balanced well seeing friends and seeing H and me.

I think his college, Rollins, should be in the next edition of "Colleges that Change Lives."

kathiep

My daughter graduated College in June of '07. College changed her whole outlook on life. Before she left here she was definately a small town girl without alot of world knowledge or street smarts. She came back each break more opinionated about US policy regarding the rest of the world and personally much more willing to take risks and physical adventures.

When we moved to our small town we would sometimes venture to the nearby city of Allentown and she would quickly lock all the doors in the car and keep her eyes open for any possible crime attempts. It's hard to believe that she now is living in a city of over 8 million people - in China. Or that she was able to backpack for 40 miles in the Andes mountains.

For our College sophomore son, the changes have not been so dramatic. The biggest thing I have noticed is that he seems to be much more aware of what's going on in the world. And he is so much more knowledgeable about computers, I guess because he's had to learn to fix them himself. It's funny to hear my husband ask him questions and I not only don't understand my husbands questions, I really don't understand son's answers.

All in all, I like how they have learned self-reliance.

jym626

NSM-
Is this the same son with the struggles in the past that you have mentioned here on CC?? Wow! Sounds like things are going wonderfully!! Congrats!

cangel

And Binx, if you are hopeless at sewing or crafts - as I am - there are places on the internet where you can send the T-shirts and they make the quilt for you, not cheap but a great gift.

kathiep

PS - too late to edit but regarding the t-shirt quilt. Do a search on this forum with t-shirt quilt as the keywords and you'll see a thread I started last Spring or summer. I suggest asking around your local area too. When I did that I found two local women willing to make one for me. I had one made and it came out so nice and was less then half the price then the ones advertised on the internet. My local person was also able to do things like add girl scout badges onto the girl scout t-shirt and left a square blank for us to personalize with a fabric marker.

Northstarmom

"NSM-
Is this the same son with the struggles in the past that you have mentioned here on CC?? Wow! Sounds like things are going wonderfully!! Congrats!"

This is the S who did a gap year with Americorps after somehow not getting around to applying to college during his senior year in h.s. This also is the same son who -- due to severe senioritis -- we didn't know whether he was graduating from high school until a week before graduation, when he managed to get his overdue homework in. Yes, he has matured a great deal, and has made quite a turnaround in college, finally coming up to his potential.

Lesson in all this: If your kid is disorganized, immature or otherwise doesn't seem quite ready for college as a h.s. senior, do not hold their hand, push and shove so they get applications in. Productive gap years -- while living at home -- may be wonderful ways to help such students become college-ready.

During his gap year, S lived at home and paid rent. Now, he's also paying for his first year of college (he does have some merit aid, but also has big loans) as per a rule that H and I made at the beginning of his senior year that if he had bad grades senior year, we wouldn't invest in his college education until he had achieved at least a 3.0 average during a full year of college.

We laid down such a hard line due to our experiences with older S, another smart underachiever. With a lot of help from me in organizing his apps, older S went to college where he enjoyed partying, and an academic-related EC, but didn't go to class, so flunked out, and has never returned to college.