nitnat

How do you encourage the one child that doesn't seem to get any of the opportunities (age 12) and the other daughter (age 15) excells at EVERYTHING.... She hides in her sister's shadow. She takes Honors courses and gets A's and B's. Plays viola in school (but never practices) and takes ballet. We are thinking of putting her in a ballet company which she would like to do. She also has this urge to compete in at a dance school that travels. I am against the traveling for dance competitions. It takes quite a good chunk out of the summer family vacation budget. Thanks in advance.

Youdon'tsay

I don't know the ages of both kids involved, but I tell my 15yo and 12yo, "We'll always treat you fairly, but that doesn't always mean we'll treat you the same."

One plays select soccer, for instance, which costs more up front with relatively little ongoing expense, but the other plays baseball for this high school, which costs very little, but getting him a new bat at this age is more than $150-$200. The both get what they want/need, but it's not always the same thing at the same time. We've had almost no problem with sibling rivalry and jealousy.

Give us more details about what each is interested in ...

A.S.A.P.

My suggestion would be to give the 12 year old time. Some of us are late bloomers. It just may turn out that the younger one finds something she is really passionate about later in life, and takes off.

Does the younger one feel like she has to compete with her sister? Ir not, I don't see a problem.

mythmom

Give each what she needs. I would go for the dance competitions if this is something she could excel at if there is any way to handle the expense. Dance is expensive (the pointe shoes alone end up breaking the bank for a ballet dancer) but it is very disciplined and teachers young women a lot. It's also very competitive.

Have private viola lessons been attempted? Or is expense a factor there too? There are not many dedicated viola players (speaking as the mother of a dedicated violinist) so it is an easy place to shine.

If you love her and value her, as I'm sure you do, all will be well.

paying3tuitions

I'd be sure to take the 12-year-old out alone with just you for Mom-daughter time. Even a cup of hot chocolate, out somewhere away from the home, to show you can give her your complete attention, if only for an hour or so. It means a lot. Or tell your capable 15-year-old one evening that she's to cook dinner and eat it with Dad, because you and the 12-year-old are going out together. (Can you tell here that I was a second child??)

I'm wondering whether she loves to dance or she loves ballet in particular. In one place I lived, the kids enjoyed folk dance clubs, because it was physical, lively and with music. It cost a lot less than formal dance training. One city had Irish Step Dancing, and it seemed to me that everyone wanted to be Irish that year!

nitnat

Thank you all for your great posts. I appreciate it. Keep them coming....

07DAD

Well, I was the second son in a 2 child family. My brother and I were very different.

My parents had a rule of "2" ECs for each of us, no more. We each got to choose. So, sometimes my older brother wanted to be involved in 2 and I was OK with 1. Sometimes the opposite occurred. Under every senario we were treated "equal" = 2 Ecs (to participate or not and what and how many:1 or 2, each got his choice).

Same thing with summer. In grade and early middle-school, camp was offered to both of us. We could go, not go, stay 1 term or stay 2 terms. We were both offered the same opportunities, but usually did not choose to do exactly the same. One year I went 2 terms and he declined to go at all.

We knew that the parents were treating us equally AND we were not forced to do a bunch of stuff we didn't want to (like many of our friends whose parents seemed to think treating their kids equally was forcing both of them to do the same number of activities).

Age differences. My brother and I were only 18 months apart. But, the difference at ages 8 and 10, say, was much less than at ages 15 and 17. Our parents adjusted what was offered to accommodate for these differences. At 17, my brother had a good paying summer job. They offered us a trip to a cabin on the great lakes. I went and he stayed at home and worked (his choice). They gave him the $$ his plane ticket would have cost.

I know I felt this was fair at the time and I still do 40 years later.

cgarrett101@aol.

D1 (now 20) had LDs and a tough time in HS, while D2 (18) has led a mostly charmed life. It's very difficult still sometimes, but I try very hard to encourage D1 in the areas in which she is successful.

mommusic

It may be that the 12 year old hasn't bloomed yet. Sometimes we forget how the older ones were at that age--we think they've "always" been this good at whatever it is they do, and the younger one "just isn't as talented" or whatever.

And then one day, perhaps after the older one has graduated, we realize the younger one is just as talented/smart, perhaps in different areas or even the same areas. Just always 3 years behind.

cockatiel

Some interests don't or can't kick in until the teen years. A great example of this is debate. Ds1 was a rather unmotivated preteen/early teen, but when he found debate he became super-passionate about it. His involvement in debate has dominated his high school life, but you "can't" debate (or even really find out if you might like it) until the mid-teen years.

Waiting and hoping a child will "bloom" is hard.....