Northstarmom

". We fight all the time due to the stresses of school, and have quit enjoying our time together lately. "

If things are this bad with the stresses of school, they would be even much worse with the stresses that occur after one graduates, including stresses of jobs and raising a family.

This is red flag #1 that this relationship is one to end, not one to keep hanging onto.

" I don't know if she could get by through college without me, as she is highly dependent on me right now to get through things. "

Red flag #2: Emotionally healthy people who are ready for commitments (including committed dating) don't need to lean on their partner to get through life. People mature enough and confident enough for marriage and committed relationships can stand on their own two feet.

Saying this as someone who used to be the kind of girl you describe. I needed therapy, not a boyfriend, and certainly not a spouse. I thought I was nothing without a boyfriend, not a sign of a person who's ready for a relationship.

"Our families are involved, and they love the idea of our engagement. "

Red flag #3. Sounds like your families are overly involved in your lives. Many families would not be delighted that their college soph kids were engaged. The families would be concerned because they would fear that their students were too young, hadn't known each other long enough to make such a commitment, and were substituting a relationship for diving into the world of college -- including extracurriculars and various activities that one can pursue to find out more about oneself and the world.

I see no evidence that this relationship is a good one. I think you should break it off -- face to face. Break it off means exactly that -- no. "we'll be friends" stuff. That does not work after a relationship unless the couple is apart typically for at least 6 months so that the one who didn't want to break up can get over the other. Otherwise, continuing as "friends" just gives false hope to the one who didn't want to end the relationship.

Have the guts, too, to stand up to your family and hers. Better to end an engagement than to be either in a miserable marriage with kids or ending a miserable marriage with kids.

If sex is involved, you don't owe her marriage just because you had sex with her. The majority of people in this country have sex before marriage, and end up marrying someone else. It's also easy to mistake lust for love, so that also may be what is clouding your judgment about whether to continue a relationship that sounds unpleasant and painful.

sueinphilly

If you are having sex, make sure you are protected. The worse possible thing to happen would be for her to get pregnant at this time.

Us 'older' folks may seem preachy when we say 'you have your whole life ahead of you', and when you're 20 you might not have a grasp on that, but trust me, when you are 40+, you will get it.

I think if most people put off marriage until they were 25+ (or so), there would be less divorce.

As a point of reference, I (currently 46 yo) speak as someone who got married at 19 (to get away from my parents), divorced and remarried the same person (yes I was that dumb). I was finally single permanently at age 26. I had my son at 28 yo (by a totally different guy who has never met his son).

Keep it simple, don't tie yourself down now.

Northstarmom

If you're having sex with her stop because it's clear that this relationship is going nowhere, and you'll be risking having a child with someone whom you don't want to be permanently tied down to.

If you decide not to follow this advice, take responsibility for using the birth control. Don't depend on her because she has every reason to want a birth control "failure."

If she gets pregnant, you'll be a daddy for the rest of your life, and even if you don't marry her, your life will be tied in with hers forever.

jym626

My s had a similar relationship with his girfriend. They dated for 2 1/2 yrs (long distance) during his college years. she is older than he. She is adorable and very sweet, but is the dependent type. The need to be needed can feel very nice, but it can get old. It is important for each of you to be able to stand on your own two feet. It doesnt mean that your fiancee can't change and become more independent, but if you are feeling too responsible for too much of the stability of the relationship, that can wear on you.
Can you readjust the relationship? Date without being engaged? Would that work or be too awkward? For my s, he didn't feel it was right to continue to date when he wasn't ready for a committment that she was hoping for, so they are now just friends. You are young, and you have plenty of time to make these big decisions. Youshould liten to that voice inside your head. It is the voice of reason. Good luck.

citygirlsmom

And do not worry about what anyone will think, your friends may well be relieved, and as for your parents, they would rather you be happy than in a bad relationship...they don't know all the stress, etc you are in, and they don't need to know all the details, but they should not be more invested in the relationship than you are

so, you can tell them as much or as little as you want to, but the final decision is yours, they will either be glad you made such an adult decision to slow down or they will be sad, but they can get over it

just act like a gentleman, don't badmouth the girl, and exit with grace

BedHead

This is very important advice. I am now tied to a woman forever with whom I didn't want to be tied -- and there is every reason to suggest that she did it on purpose. For me, I am lucky in that my daughter is the love of my life -- and is smart and happy and healthy -- and her mother is not dependent like it sounds like this girl is and has her own business. However, it's not something you want to burden your life with, trust me, and ESPECIALLY not with someone who needs to cling dependently to you to survive.

jsparrow

All of this sounds like great advice to me. I thank all of you for your well stated responses, and I thank you for being clear cut with me. I felt like I needed people unattached to me to help me see whether I'm making the right decision or not.

molliebatmit

Have you talked with her at all about your feelings? Do you know how she feels about the situation? Is it possible that she feels as ambivalent as you do about actually getting married?

You should be able to have an honest, frank discussion about the future of a relationship with anyone you're even close to considering marrying, and you should know what she's thinking as well as you know what you're thinking. I think you should try to have a conversation with her about her feelings on the engagement before breaking up with her. Perhaps she feels the same way you do, and you can take the relationship down a notch in seriousness without breaking up altogether.

As a newlywed myself, I can't imagine having married my husband if I'd had any doubts about whether the marriage was something either he or I wanted. Starting very early on in our relationship, we had discussions about where each of us wanted to be in terms of seriousness and commitment -- we each knew where the other stood at all times, and when we decided to get engaged and then to set a date for our wedding, we did it together. I think that kind of communication is absolutely essential in a relationship, particularly when both of you are young and you're getting a lot of pressure on all sides.

wis75

It seems everyone is telling you to break off the engagement in various ways. Do that, ASAP. If you are "meant for each other" you will get back together, older, wiser, more mature. If you continue being engaged and stressed out you are not in the right relationship at the right time. Do not worry about what other people, families and she will think- do not feel pressured to stay engaged. The reason an engagement is not a legal entity is so you can exit it without repercussions. Thank goodness you found out before marriage. You do not owe this person marriage because you once thought you were right together, you would be compounding an error. Good luck.

Laylah

I completely agree with Mollie. I am getting married next year, and every single decision that my future husband and I have made about our relationship has been made together. I can't imagine us staying together if either he or I had such strong doubts.

It concerns me that she is so dependent on you, as well. I love my future husband - he is my best friend and my support, but if he wasn't here I'd be ok. Just like I was ok before I met him. If you really feel your fiancee cannot manage without you, she needs to deal with it.

I think you need to talk to your fiancee. It may be that she has no idea that things are so bad between you. It may also be that you find she does know, and has the same doubts you do.

dg5052

Spoken as someone who has broken TWO engagements (I got it right the third time and have been married for 26 years), the first one when I was in college--LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!! This is often very hard for young people to do, because you don't trust that feeling and you second guess yourself.

As others have said, getting divorced is MUCH harder than breaking off an engagement. Visualize how relieved you will be after you have done it--and done it the right way, as others have suggested--and you will reinforce your gut feeling of the necessity to break things off.

Good luck to you--and let us know what happens.

jonri

How close are you to your parents? I know someone who was once in a similar situation. The first thing he did was tell his parents and ask their advice in how to break it off. In his case, this was the right approach because his parents had become quite close to the young woman's mother. In a way, the conversation with his parents was a dress rehearsal for the "real" conversation. They were initially stunned, but then, of course, quickly said that if the young man had any doubts the best thing to do was to break it off ASAP. He did.

The break up was ugly--and he really benefited from being able to talk through what happened when he told her with his parents and having their support at a difficult time. When the angry phone call from her mother came, his parents were prepared for it. They were able to deal firmly with the girl's mother and make it abundantly clear that no, they were not going to try to help change their son's mind and persuade him to resume the relationship. Their toughest job though was dealing with one of his younger siblings, who had become very, very attached to this young woman. Again, his parents' involvement made it easier for him to deal with that problem.

I mention this in case the OP might like to consider this approach.

owlice

I would maintain that anyone who doesn't want to be a parent, whether male or female, should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS be responsible for birth control, regardless of what the other person may or may not do.

SBmom

Is it just me or does anyone else find it odd that two families are so gung-ho about college sophomores getting engaged?

OP: listen to your gut, wait to choose a spouse until there is no 'pressure' to pair off, just great joy in the idea.

momfirst

jsparrow - if you are stressed and not enjoying your time together, i'd bet she already has strong suspicions that things are not right. If you really love her like you say you do, do what needs to be done...you know what is right. If you are really in love, when the time is right for both of you (not for your families) you'll get back together. If not, then better now than later. Heartache/break is never fun or easy.