NotMamaRose

Thought this article from the Washington Post Magazine might provoke some interesting discussion:

washingtonpost.com

M's Mom

It was a good article to discuss with the kids-primarily because it annoyed me.

I think the rationalizations provided by those who preferred to lie to their kids were just that-and not defensible. If you did things in your youth that you regret, you own up to them, explain why you regret it and express the hope that your kids will learn from your mistake and make better choices. No kid is too young to understand that their parents were once kids who made bad choices sometimes too. It isn't necessary to go into the details of one's sex life (as several mothers seemed to think) in order to make the point that you did something that you wish you hadn't done. And comparing this kind of lie to fairy tales or the 'Santa myth' is also silly-kids understand the differernce between made up stories and your personal reality. And the fact that you made these 'bad' choices does not 'give your kid permission' to do the same, unless you downplay or glamorize it.

If you want to make sure your kids feel that they can come to you when they screw up, they need to know you are not perfect either. And they need to have 100% confidence that you will be truthful. If you don't want to talk about something, at least be honest enough to say, "I'm not comfortable discussing this with you." This is how you teach integrity.

atomom

My kids know not to ask. And I'm not telling. None of their business.

Bay

I agree with atomom. There is nothing good that will come from my kids knowing about my sex life, drinking or drug-use past.

oldfort

I have told my daughters about my past - sex, drug, drinking. I didn't go into detail, but I did tell them on how my past has effected me. I admitted my mistakes, but also how I have learned from my experience. Knowing about my past help them understand why I am hard on them on certain things. They know they could come to me because I was not perfect at their age. I think you could let them know you were once like them (young and stupid) without going into glory details.

dragonmom

On the other side of the question: H and I have constantly had to tell ours that no matter how hard we laughed at movies or TV (we could name someone for every character on "That 70's Show") we did not, nor did most of our friends, do what the media was having fun with. Throughout the 60's and 70's, many high school kids weren't having sex or using drugs.
Many colleges are now running with that theme - putting up posters: "Last weekend 65% of students at U of Whatever Didn't Drink"
Not that we were perfect - plus the room-mate does stuff in excess stories are always good examples

Lafalum84

I think lying to kids about your past is generally not a good idea. If the kids aren't mature enough to understand that just because you did something doesn't mean they can do it or that it's a good idea, then it's best to tell them that you are not comfortable discussing x-issue-from-your-past until they're older. As my kids have gotten older, DH and I have told them mistakes we made or things we witnessed others doing, especially in hs and college. But we haven't told them everything (believe me, kids don't want to hear about their parents' sex lives!) and I don't know that we ever will, unless there is a specific reason to tell them.

MichaelNKat

There is a balance to be drawn that can be ever shifting depending on the age of your kids, their psycho-emotional development and maturity and the particular subject matter. And there is no "brightline test" for where you draw the line. On one hand, you want to foster open and honest communication and enable your kid to feel that he or she can come to you and discuss anything without you rendering judgement on them as a person and on the other hand, you do not want to "validate" risky or outright dangerous behaviors that should be avoided - you know, "My parent did that and turned out ok, so why shouldn't I give it a try". Or the subject matter may implicate behaviors in which a parent engaged years ago that if revealed would serve to seriously undermine who the parent is today, particularly in the eyes of their kid, and adversely impact on the parent's ability to effectively serve as a mentor to their child.

For us, no subject matter is off limits but we may limit the amount of personal detail we reveal. In such cases, we sometimes have explained to our kids that we are limiting the amount of personal info we are disclosing and why; in other cases we simply exercise proper parental discretion to deflect the conversation away from the details of our own personal behaviors or to limit the details revealed without so disclosing. We have found, however, that where a line is drawn by us on the side of discretion not to reveal certain personal details, an opportunity still presents itself to have a good dialogue about the subject matter and to talk about underlying values and perspectives that have enabled our kids to then make good decisions for themselves.