MomofWildChild

I have allowed the bf/gf to stay in the room with my kids. It sort of got away from us, and I decided that I wasn't going to have a double standard (OK at school, not OK at home). Just wasn't worth it. Started fairly early (before the end of hs) with my son due to someone becoming a gf who I thought was a platonic friend. D was a soph in college before the bf came to stay.

dmd77

I make up the bed in the guest room for all overnight guests. I tell guests that the bed in the guest room is ready and that there are towels in the bathroom. I demonstrate how the light switches work (we have weird light switches). Then I make a point of going blind until the friend has left. I have no idea where people are actually sleeping.

"I see nothing!"

Both kids went to college at the same time, so there was no real need to protect innocent sensibilities.

corranged

^ I think that's often the best plan for college students, especially younger ones.

luckycharmed

I have to say, this question is part of the reason my boyfriend isn't coming to stay this summer.

I come from an ethnic background and my parents were horrified (okay, that's a little overkill, but it was pretty bad) that I even have a boyfriend. My mother refuses to discuss him and told me it probably wasn't a good idea for me to date anyone until I was out of graduate school. This isn't a fling - it's been near 8 months, which I know isn't long, but for college (at least mine) is a major deal.

We live on opposite coast, so the summer thing is difficult. With rising flight costs and both of us working, we agreed to try and make a visit work, but neither of us were hopeful.

He's open to the idea of coming here (though I'd have to pay since he currently does not have the funds which for some reason makes me a little squicky) and not only would this be a BIG deal for my parents, it terrifies them. A high school boyfriend put his arm around me while we watched a movie in the family room (with my entire family present) and if you hear my mom tell it, we were having raunchy porn star sex on the family room floor. So yeah, part of the reason I haven't pushed him to come here and am much more amenable to going there is because I know my parents would just... freak out. It upsets me because he's a big part of my life and so are they, but I can't seem to meld the two.

Sleeping arrangements wouldn't be a question - my parents are deeply religious and very pro abstinence until marriage, and I have a 13 year old sister. That's fine, honestly, if I had younger children in my home, I'd probably feel the same. But it is and will be a long three months.

dragonmom

[quote]He's open to the idea of coming here (though I'd have to pay since he currently does not have the funds which for some reason makes me a little squicky) and not only would this be a BIG deal for my parents, it terrifies them.[quote/]
Can you just hold out for the rest of the summer?As the parent of a D, I'd be doubly doubious if the kid didn't even shell out for the plane fare.. .. so how much did he even care? etc... Can you find a way for the significant other to begin communicating with family? Text your mom? PUt him on the phone when they call?

dragonmom

Sorry the quote thing didn't work - parents are big on seeing that some kid cares enough to actually pay to see their kid...

kcphobo

The first time, the boyfriend slept in a sleeping bag in a common room. The next time, two years later, the boyfriend (not the same one) slept on the floor of her room because the common rooms are too bright and noisy, or so she said. She also said surely we didn't expect them to do anything in her room right next to ours? After that it all seemed a little silly and they shared a room and we didn't talk about it. I was mostly uncomfortable in the first years because of the daughter at home who was still in high school.

teriwtt

This leads to a related question, sort of... D1 has graduated from college and is hoping to move out by this fall. My plan has sort of been to let her take her bedroom furniture (IKEA, so it isn't my idea of guest room furniture), and I will buy new stuff for her room. I've toyed with the idea of twin beds or a double (queen might be too big for her room, although with all her stuff gone, it might not be). My mom had only twin beds in guest rooms, which I didn't particularly care for at first, but then, over the years, sometimes those twin beds were handy if husband and wife were not traveling together; it made it less awkward to share a bedroom with someone who wasn't your spouse (like a cousin, etc.). Most adults I know hate to share even a double bed with a non-spouse/non-child.

luckycharmed

Honestly, I'm dubious too. I remind myself that he's doing research this summer and making about $1000 total (and having to pay for room/board on top of that - he's working at school) and I have a great summer job where I get $15/hr. But of course, I wonder the "how much does he even care" - because I'd take a free trip to the opposite coast even if I didn't like the person.

The other option is me going out there (I feel less weird spending my money to do this for some reason) but since I go to school there, it'll be less of a "trip". Or, the current plan is us just not seeing each other, but I'm really not doing that great about this distance - I guess from this end it just seems so unending, even though I know it's just for a relatively short period when you consider my whole life. I guess that's my own issue.

Anyway, ideally, he would pay (or we'd split it) he'd come out here, and my parents would be fine. At least, that's the dream.

mom2three

With two boys in college, one of the bedrooms has become my husband's office. The other bedroom was redecorated to make a nice guestroom/sewing room with two twin beds. When the boys come home they stay there, and it works out great for my parents and other guests as well. Note: they both have full-year leases at school, so they are home occasional weekends and holidays.

Back to the original topic. No overnighters here. It hasn't come up. If there were a gf from a far-away city, we'd put son on a couch or in his brother's room, and gf in the guest room. Hypocritical? maybe. Not the first time we've been THAT as parents.

:-)

cathymee

Since D is now three yrs into grad school and lives with her boyfriend for all those years, she gets to stay with him when they visit. That room9her old bedroom redone) has two twin beds, pushed together (made up separately though). If we have two guests needing to share that room who don't want to "sleep together" the beds can be pulled apart..they are on those frames with wheels, and a bedside table can be placed in between.
S, now a college junior, has had a girlfriend come to visit who stayed in a different guest room.Idiot that I am, one morning when D and S were here at the same time with respective "others",D informs me that S's "other" leaves his room in early a.m. to return to guest room. I decided to just play dumb at that point. When S has a serious,long term significant "other" they can sleep together here too. His room now has a queen sized bed -our old one H and I bought new-but I wouldn't subject guests to that room while hes away at college..its still decorated in "H.S. boy motif" and still sorta smells like a HS hockey player boy!!

soozievt

This hasn't come up here mostly because my kids do not live at home in summers and so the situation has not arisen. However, one of my Ds has a boyfriend and I know they sleep together. I also don't have any problem with that (I did the same in college). IF they ever were both here, I would allow them to stay together since it seems silly to have separate arrangements when I know they don't at school (they have different apartments there but stay at one another's place). In fact, one time I visited D this spring and stayed at her apartment, and later at night, her boyfriend slept over. When we recently moved her into her summer digs, I know that night she slept at her boyfriend's apartment. So, not sure why I would make them do it differently at my house if it ever came to it.

I recall when I was engaged to my husband (I was 20 and in college), when we visited my parents' house, we had to have separate bedrooms which was so silly as we went into one another's room and separated later at night but at his parents' house, we were allowed to stay together. I also recall when I went to visit him when he was no longer in school (had graduated and was a ski instructor for the winter away from our college as well as either of our families), my parents made me reserve a hotel room (rather silly since AT school we could do what we wanted and spend the night together) and I got in a heap of trouble when my parents found out I stayed at his condo and not the hotel. This was right before our engagement.

I think each family should do what they wish. For me, I have no problem with it once they are in college but would not allow coed sleeping arrangements in high school. Once, in high school, D had her long distance boyfriend for a visit and we put him up in the guest room. One of the nights, they both slept in that room although that was not permitted and so that was definitely something we had to reckon with each of them about disrespecting our wishes. In high school, I did not wish to provide opportunities even if they were sexually active. In college, I feel differently as they are now on their own and are adults and I know they do what they want there and I don't feel I have to restrict them should they ever come home with their significant other.

TheGFG

This topic sure does bring back memories! My parents insisted that any male friends visiting our home sleep on a separate LEVEL--not even in a spare bedroom. That meant the couch or living room floor downstairs. I did not sleep with anyone before marriage, and felt quite offended that they'd think this was a necessary arrangement to preserve my purity. Besides, it wasn't exactly hospitable or comfortable. I told my parents that it was ridiculous to not put the friend in the guest room because if we had wanted to sleep together we could have done it whenever at college and never did, so why would they think we'd do it now in their house? But their deal was the appearance of it.

There would definitely be no sharing of rooms in my house during high school. As far as older students in college or grad school, I also wouldn't allow it if we were supporting them in any way with tuition or living expenses. Once they are self-sufficient, they can do as they please.

somemom

I guess I go with different rooms and a bit of the don't ask, don't tell. I know DD has a long long time BF and has opportunity when they visit each other's schools, but I like to keep it to different rooms in my home, which is the same way it was handled when I was dating my DH- it works fine and I really don't need to know the details. There is no reason they cannot respect my style at my house.

I agree with P3T, in many cases you make a rule because of the example set for younger sibs, then it has to be fair for every one, so the rule stays the same.

Karen Colleges

Absolutely keep the rules the same for the younger siblings as the older ones.

When I stopped believing in S.C. the stockings for all were discontinued- Up until that time, everyone got the goodies. My older siblings averaged ten years MORE of getting stockings while I was still a believer.

Kind of off topic, but the inequality bothered me for years....