overseas

Here's an idea. Prepare all the stuff for your own children. Do what you need to do for them i.e. wills, power of attorney, medical end of life forms and discuss what you are doing for your own family with your parents. Maybe that will get the ball rolling. I know that now my parents are gone and I have seen what you need to do, I am in the process of fixing up everything for my son. I did order the medical forms for my whole family and we all filled them out 8 years ago. There are things that can be done together.

PackMom

^^Yes, my Mom was so organized. She had everything we could ever need to know listed in a notebook in her desk. She even had her favorite hymns bookmarked and showed me the dress she wanted used for burial so that in our grief over her passing we did not have to worry about minute funeral details. It was easier on the rest of the family that when the need for this info. arose, I was able to answer quickly that Mom had told me what she wanted and I knew exactly where the dress was so there was no discussion or worry over choosing the wrong thing.

Unfortunately, this will not be the case with my in-laws. MIL refuses to talk about unpleasant realities. She will just say "We don't need worry about that right now" as if not thinking about the inevitable will somehow ward it off. It is so frustrating.

TheAnalyst

PackMom, you mom is just like my mom. She has her entire funeral planned, from the hymns and Bible readings right down to what pictures she wants on display and the wording of the obituary (actually the newspaper has one of those ready to go already since she is very influential in her community). She hasn't needed any help yet, but has a local woman designated as the person to hire/oversee caregivers on her behalf. She has also said she is willing to go into assisted living or nursing, when needed, and has those facilities picked out. She is very vested in her community so the one thing she would not do is move. Her house is being left to the local college (whose property completely surrounds it on all sides) and she has already arranged to have the women of her church clean up and donate all the contents of the house after her kids have 30 days to get whatever they want first. My H acts as her financial advisor and does her investments, so I am not anticipating her aging to be a major challenge. My dad was such a polar opposite (probably why they were long divorced).

notre dame AL

worrywart--we brought up the subject that it had been almost 20 years since her will had been updated. She realized that it might be a good idea to make an appt with her lawyer. We did and of course, attended the meeting with her. It was during the course of conversation with the atty that we decided that it would be a good idea to come up with the notebook idea. So, I guess it wasn't so much that I suggested it, but the combination of atty making suggestions and our reinforcing the importance of it all. Also, we have several family members that were terminally ill at the time in addition to my mother's best friend having passed away. The friend was terminally ill and she witnessed the whole "getting affairs in order" routine. I think that helped her realize the importance of at least trying to get better organized. The suggestion of a notebook really helped her--I know now that she knew she needed to do this, but just didn't really know where to start. Now, if the real estate market will just pick up and we can get her settled into an apt closer to us and out from under maintaining a larger home. This has taken a little longer for her to come to grips with, but after months of talking about alternatives and seeing relatives move into assisted living and some whose living situations are still unstable, she has finally made the decision. She is not ready for assisted living nor does she want to move in with my sibling or myself. So, my feeling is to try to keep her as independant as possible, which she wants to do. We are hoping for the best! Good Luck to you and your situation!

geezermom

I identify so much with all of the "sandwich" issues and emotions expressed here. My mother is increasingly frail and ill, and I'm one of two nearby siblings. I won't go into all her/our details, but she has been declining even more over the past couple of months. One of my biggest concerns as my son leaves for college is what we would (will) do if (when) she dies, and he is a two-hour plane trip plus a two-hour car trip away. Believe it or not, that has been one of my biggest anxieties about his leaving. (I think this is mostly my issue, needing to have my emotional ducks in a row.)

Fortunately, his two adult sisters are two hours away from his school. When we went to orientation last weekend and visited them on the way, I had a conversation with my stepdaughters about my mother's wishes and our family's plan related to her death. Now, they're part of the plan: If she dies while he's at school, they'll go right away to be with him just to give him hugs and hold his hand. I know that he'll make good friends, because that's the way he is, and they'll be there for him. But especially at the beginning of his college years, I want to know that he'll have someone to rely on.

Has anyone else been through this? I am not sure how or whether to have a conversation with my son about it. I don't really want to hit him with "so you know your grandmother probably will die while you're in college." I'll bet he's thought about that. Any suggestions? I don't remember if I've talked to him about my mother's wishes and plans--maybe not, so that's a good opener: "So this is what we know your grandmother wants to happen when she dies, and this is how we'd handle it with you being away." Or maybe I should just let it be now that my stepdaughters are part of the plan.

Gee, isn't this cheerful?

Reinforcing what others have said about being prepared: If you don't know your parent/s' wishes, and if you don't have a plan, do it now. If your parent is too infirm to express wishes, figure it out on your own. In the state where my mother lives, the assisted living or nursing home needs the name of a funeral home on file because there is a very short time limit after death before they are required to call the morgue if they don't have a funeral home name.

Packer

I've been reading this thread and doing quite a bit of thinking. My in-laws are becoming increasingly frail and I'm sure they are going to need extra care very soon. I think the notebook idea mentioned earlier is a good idea and I'd like to start one for both my parents and in-laws. Here's what I've come up with so far to include....DH and I will need to start collecting this information soon. Any additions and suggestions are welcome.

Social Security Numbers
Medicare information
Medicare supplement information
Prescriptions
Medical history

Banking accounts
Credit cards
Safety deposit box- where? Where is key?
Investments
Pension
Tax information

Insurance information
Agent
Car, home, life, other policies
Policy numbers

Doctors and dentist- names and phone numbers


Power of Attorney
Will
Living Will

Phone numbers of friends, neighbors, relatives

Funeral arrangements
Church, funeral home
Cemetery plot, headstone
Hymns, readings, clothing
Write obituary
Picture

Possessions….leave what to who? I know this should be in the will, but something informal would at least be a start.

worknprogress

MaryTN - I just was thinking about this yesterday - but unfortunately the thought came too late. The realtor took a ton of beautiful photographs, so at least they have those.

Geezermom - daughter is now in southeastern Europe for a study abroad program and I had to have a similar conversation with her. She has three grandparents, and three pseudo grandparents, and a close friend who is battling cancer. All of these people are vulnerable. She made it clear to me that she wanted to be kept informed if anything happened to any of these people - but I also talked to her about the impossibility of returning home during the five weeks of the program. It took her almost a day to arrive at her destination (with layovers, etc.) and I said she really could not come home. If anything actually happened, I might relent, but I wanted her to understand that sometimes you just can't return.

I reminded her that this is why we need to be generous in our love when we have the opportunity. I am not sure it really helped, but I know how difficult this is, GM.

mapesy

Packer, As per my post #57, it was suggested by a geriatric care manager that we place important info and copies of documents in Ziploc bags and attach them to the refrigerator and back of the front door. The care manager said that emergency personnel know to look in these two places for important information in the event of an emergency. If the patient needs to be transported to the hospital, the EMT takes the Ziploc bag with the patient.

This might not be as important since there are 2 people in your in-law's household, but it's very important for those who live alone.

Wouldn't you know it, but exactly one month after we placed the Ziploc bag with my uncle's info on his refrigerator, he was badly injured in a fall and taken by ambulance to the hospital. I found out when a social worker from the hospital called and said she found my phone number in his Ziploc bag.

somemom

What is the list of forms we need to prepare for our parents and ourselves- you need a will, maybe a trust if it is merited, a POA for financials AND a DPOA for health-both or one? A living will? Written instructions? What are ya'll running into as the best way to ensure the wishes of the hospitalised person are able to be carried out by the designee?

geezermom

Thanks, worknprogress. He has had the good fortune to have his grandmother close by for his entire life, so that's good.

MaryTN

Look at post 47 and 60. All of those sites have document lists.

At a minimum, ALL OF US need a will, a power of attorney, and a healthcare power of attorney. I have all 3 and a living will too. I also have selected 4 songs for my family to choose from for my funeral.

TheAnalyst

One of the retirement communities I used to work with put all of their residents' medical records on a small flash drive that the resident could keep in their purse or wallet. I haven't done this, but it remains on my "to do" list. I like the concept of putting everything important into the computer and then saving it onto a flash drive. If you break a hip or are in a car accident, the list of medications you are taking, important contact numbers, etc. are all right there. Those little flash drives can hold a lot of stuff and really replaces the need to have dozens of different files.

mikasauntie

Some other stuff to have handy...

G'father was in military during war so surviving spouse (g'mother) is entitled to some benefits based upon income (or lack thereof). To apply we needed the following:

G'father's enlistment papers, discharge papers, death certificate

PackMom

Has anybody had any experience with LongTerm Healthcare Insurance? Since FIL has been in the Nursing home and MIL had to apply for Medicaid to keep him there, DH has mentioned looking into Long Term Insurance for us but has never gotten around to it. Is it expensive? Is it cheaper if you buy into it before age 50? How much does it actually pay toward assisted living/nursing home costs?

somemom

It seems pretty expensive in that I am able to sell it and most people do not want it once they see the price With kids in college, I have not yet pursued it myself....the one I have liked best for clients was First Penn Pacific/Lincoln Life Money Guard as it allows the payment of a life insurance death benefit if one never uses the LTC bene. I have a client in his 90s who has still not used the LTC and is glad the DB would pay his family. That plan seemed to work best for some one putting 6 figures of cash in up front, like a retiree with a large lump sum