cronie

Putting off children because you weren't ready was a very mature decision, Marian.

aibarr

DH and I met when he was a first-year masters student and when I was a freshman. We dated for seven years before we got married. Three of those were long-distance. We certainly discussed marriage early into the relationship (like, three months), and it was fairly certain where we were going to end up, but putting marriage on hold gave me a chance to get a few degrees and establish a career path, gave him a chance to work full-time on his doctorate and research without any distractions, and gave both of us a chance to really reflect on our relationship and our selves, and to grow up. If you'd asked me four years into the relationship whether seven years was too long to wait until marriage, I'd have said it was ABSOLUTELY too long, but I really think waiting seven years was a great thing. No wedding-day jitters whatsoever, and while we've only been married for six months now and time will obviously tell as to whether or not we've got the right stuff, we both think that waiting until we were both utterly sick of not being married really helped our confidence in the future longevity of our marriage.

So I think that maybe marriages of people who *met* while they were younger can definitely work, but I really also think it's a good idea to have patience (sometimes a lot of patience!) and have some time to be adults on your own first.

ucsd_ucla_dad

IMO a couple should at a minimum be self-sufficient before getting married. It'd be even better if they had some time in the 'real world' after college in their careers before getting married.

These are ideal - there are a lot of anecdotes of successes/failures on either side of the recommendation.

cptofthehouse

Around here it seems like the college kids are waiting a looooong time before marrying. Many marriages are with the "kids" in their 30's. I agree with UcsdUcla dad that the couples should be financially self sufficient. The way it's been shaping up these days is that parents seem to subsidizing kids completely during high school, almost completely during college and then still through grad/prof schools, internships and low paying job periods. Yeah, I know it is a small sector, but this internship thing is making me crazy. It's come to a point where firms that used to pay a living wage are getting off scot free with internships before committing to even a minimal salary, parents and kids are so eager to get their kids into real jobs. To have to subsidize a marriage, and grandkids would really be a killer.

somemom

aibarr, were you in a long distance relationship in that seven years or in the same place?

HisGraceFillsMe

My parents got married at 18 & 21 and neither of them went to college.

I don't want to get married until after college...maybe grad school (I haven't decided if I really wanna go to grad school yet). Anyway.

I wanna have a job and be able to financially support myself before I take on another person.

whatever4

It is ironic that while gays are fighting for the right to get married, many young heterosexual couples seem to have little interest in legalizing/formalizing their own relationships. In the space of a generation, young people getting married to begin their lives together has gone from being the norm to an anomaly.

When we got married, we had just graduated from college, had one job between the two of us, and did not have two cents to our names. By today's standards, we probably would have been expected to wait until we both had high-paying jobs, a house -- and maybe a kid or two. Don't know if it is because people are waiting longer to get married or it's the reason people are waiting longer to get married, but most weddings we are invited to these days are huge expensive productions followed by exotic honeymoons. If we had waited until we could afford that, we would not be closing in on our 30th anniversary.

molliebatmit

H and I got married last fall. He was 22 and had just graduated from college in June, and I was 23 and had graduated a year before that. We got engaged the summer after my graduation/his junior year in college. We began to be financially self-supporting (other than tuition for him) the year we were engaged -- I mean, yeah, we had to live off of my grad student stipend only that year, and money was tight, but we both felt that was better than asking for financial help from our parents.

Like aibarr and her husband, we've been married less than a year, so I can't point to a long history to prove my point, but I think that getting married at 23/22 was the right choice for us, both in terms of where we were in our relationship and where we were in our careers (I wanted to plan the wedding my first year in grad school before I started my thesis ). If I could go back, I'd do everything exactly the same way.

Admittedly, if you get married at 23, you should be prepared to defend your relationship choices to random people -- when I went to the DMV to change my name after getting married, the clerk clucked at me, "Oh, you're both so young! Hmm, but you have good jobs." (Apparently that made it okay.)

beck86nj

I'm a little concerned about getting through my first year of grad school while planning a wedding. So I'm glad you survived the experience :-)

lce

this REALLY depends on their income and education, and most of all emotions. i think that their income should come first though, because who ever heard of a happily-ever-after with no financial backup? so basically #1 it's up to them, and #2 you shouldn't make this kind of decisions FOR them, just influence and guide them

Mattmoosemom

My husband and I met during orientation week of college, started dating in January of freshman year and got engaged after junior year, setting the date for August after graduation. We didn't even have jobs while planning the wedding and hoped to get teaching positions before we got married. Luckily we did, took a $500 honeymoon, and we have been together ever since. We will celebrate our 35th anniversary next month.

We were young, 21 and 22, and I would do it all over again!

CountingDown

DH and I met when I was 21, and he was 20 -- second semester of junior year. Got married 20 months later -- the first year was long distance, then I moved to Philly when we got engaged. DH graduated a semester early, so by the time we got married he had been working for a year and a half (he started working there the summer after junior year).

He started law school shortly before our third anniversary and after working for nearly five years. I was working FT and he worked summers -- no help from parents for living expenses or tuition. It was a great adventure planning where we'd move, what paths we wanted our careers to take, etc.

We waited seven years for kids. While we were married VERY early among DH's NY friends, I was a veritable old maid among my Georgia friends (four days short of 23). Many of our friends who married long after us beat us to kids, though.

Was I too young? Probably. I think I needed a couple more years to ripen on the vine and fend for myself.

marnik

I got married exactly 1 week after turning 22, immediately after college. Looking back, should we have waited? I would have to say yes. Though we have made it work for 33 years and counting, and though we were completely self-sufficient at the time, I do not think we were mature and had not yet had time to fully become ourselves before becoming a couple. We did not have kids until we had been married 15 years, and I tell my kids to wait until 25-26 years old before marriage, so they know themselves better before trying to understand someone else.

dis-grace

I find it hard to understand long engagements and/or putting off marriage until one's life is perfectly settled. It seems to me that people now look to find someone who fits the life they've already got rather than changing their life to accomodate the person they love. I don't know whether this is good or bad; I suspect it depends on the couple. Some would feel resentful for being "chained down" so to speak, while others would regret not having had a caring anchor.

MidwestParent

Our older D just graduated from college in May and is getting married next month. She is 22, her fiance is 24, and they have dated three years. She had a job lined up before she graduated and started a week after graduation. Her fiance will be in the last year of graduate school in the fall. He has said that after next year, he will go wherever she wants to go to continue her education. She spent the second semester of her senior year studying (trying to keep a 4.0 - which she did!), planning a wedding, and looking for a job!

Did we hope she would date lots of fellas during college? Yes, but that's never been her. Did we ever think she would be getting married at 22? NEVER! Do we feel she is too young? Yes, we do. But we also feel like she is very mature, always has been, and has found an exceptional young man to share her life with. Some people find their love at 22 (or younger!) and others at 40 or 50! You just never know when it's going to happen.