All this talk of BF/GF- how early is too early for marriage?

somemom · 07-08-2008, 03:03 PM

Your DD/DS has a great BF/GF they have dated throughout college; assuming you like the SO, assuming they are a good compatible match, how early is too early to talk about marriage?

Should they finish grad school first? What about getting into different cities?

Should they date more people? Are they too young to make that life changing decision? I married young and am wondering how ya'll feel about it if you waited longer? Was that wise? If you married young, would you make a different decision of timing in retrospect?

garland · 07-08-2008, 03:27 PM

I really think it's up to the young folks and the individual situation. We married young and had kids young--no regrets, though it shaped our lives differently from had we been older, met later, etc, etc.

To paraphrase Blossom, one of my favorite posters, you have to live the life you do have, not the ideal one you may imagine.

beck86nj · 07-08-2008, 03:28 PM

My fiance and I told our parents about our decision to get engaged 4 months before we graduated from college. Of course, we had already committed to finding a job/gradschool solution that involved us living in the same city, and we had already considered ourselves committed to each other before that. Both sets of parents are happy about it, although mine were shocked (only because they expected that we'd wait until graduation to get engaged) and his sort of stole the thunder from his big announcement by guessing it.

I imagine that religious expectations play a big role in this subject.

zoosermom · 07-08-2008, 03:38 PM

I got married at 20 years and 1 month. Terrible, terrible decision.

insomniatic · 07-08-2008, 03:48 PM

I wouldn't even think about getting married until I have a steady income.

acollegestudent · 07-08-2008, 03:48 PM

^^^

If you are comfortable with it, could you please elaborate as to why that was such a bad decision for you, zoosermom?

chocoholic · 07-08-2008, 03:55 PM

If the couple has been together for several years it would be normal for them to discuss marriage. I would expect my child to discuss it with his/her long term gf/bf. That said, I would strongly discourage them from actually getting married until they were, at least largely, self-supporting. Things can go downhill very quickly if there is no money to pay the heating bills or buy diapers.

zoosermom · 07-08-2008, 03:59 PM

I met my husband at 16. The me of 16 was light years away from the me of 22 or 25 or 30. Those people would never have married my husband, although I still love him with my whole heart. It's so easy when you're very young to believe you're fully cooked when you're still raw in the middle. Neither my husband nor I got to follow our personal paths to where they might have led separately. I always tell my girls to get their educations, choose a career path and become financially stable before considering marriage because to do othewise can stunt your growth. You're in that married/adult mode long before you should be and the responsibilities that go with it don't allow a lot of room for exploration.

WayOutWestMom · 07-08-2008, 04:14 PM

My younger D's BF already has a 10 year plan worked out for them--including relocating for grad/professional schools and medical residencies.

Seriously.

Or maybe not. About half the time I suspect BF is just trying to put one over on the old lady.

While I like the BF a great deal and wouldn't mind having him as SIL, I'm not in a great hurry to see them get married. (His parents feel the same way.) We want both kids to finish undergrad first--then if they still are thinking about marriage--it's their choice.

But in the meantime, they get to explore having LDR since they'll be in schools about 2000 miles apart next year.

I met my future DH about month after I started college--I was 17. We got married in grad school after living together for 3 years. I was 23. We stayed married until his death 3 years ago.

cronie · 07-08-2008, 04:20 PM

So much depends on the maturity of the couple. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules, except that there does need to be a way to pay the bills.

My H and I married very young, and I supported us by teaching school while he finished grad school. It was tough at times, but looking back on it, we had so much fun! Waiting to have children until we were settled with his income was more important to us than waiting to get married. We waited 12 years to have kids. I was able to stay home with my firstborn by then.

When young people are in love, they can't bear to be apart for long. If they are mature, resourceful and realize that there will be sacrifices for the marriage, then I'd give it my blessing. (I may have to do just that in two years when my DS graduates.) But having babies...I say wait awhile. They change everything.

MomofWildChild · 07-08-2008, 04:36 PM

D just got married at 23 1/2, one year post-college graduation. Her new H just graduated from medical school and is starting his residency. This seems to be a common time for new docs to marry, since they don't get any more time off for 4 years or so! Time will tell, but these two appear quite mature and I think they are ready. I would have not expected my D to marry at 23, but it really seems right.
I married the first time at 20 and it was WAY too young. I had just graduated from undergrad school and was about to start law school. It didn't last.

Northstarmom · 07-08-2008, 04:40 PM

It would be up to the couple. I do think that some people are ready to make a longterm commitment like marriage at that age. Some people, however, are so immature or unwise that they won't be ready for marriage even decades after finishing college.

Hanna · 07-08-2008, 04:45 PM

Northstarmom, ain't that the truth.

zoosermom · 07-08-2008, 04:47 PM

I don't have a problem with the commitment aspect. For me it's more the logistics and preparation, if that makes any sense at all.

Marian · 07-08-2008, 04:54 PM

I got married two days after graduating from college to a guy who was in graduate school at the time. He was already supporting himself with a teaching assistantship, and we were both self-supporting from that point on. I don't know whether we were really mature enough for the choice we made, but it mostly worked out OK. Oddly, we didn't have kids for another ten years -- very deliberately -- because we didn't feel mature enough for that! But we didn't think of marriage in terms of maturity.

Getting married that early does involve some career compromises if the couple is not willing to consider a long-distance marriage. There are geographic limitations on the job and/or graduate school opportunities for one or both people. But is it really so different from what would happen in a long-term relationship that continues after college graduation without benefit of a marriage license? Unmarried committed couples often make career compromises, too, so that they can live together.

I don't think I would have made a better decision if I had dated longer. I'm not overly social. I hated dating. If the relationship that led to my marriage had broken up, I would probably have gotten into another committed relationship as quickly as possible, just to avoid having to date. So I don't think that waiting would have made any difference for me. Maybe it would have for my husband, who is not quite as antisocial as I am.