Grandmother wouldn't approve of black girlfriend - Page 2

mom2three · 07-12-2008, 08:26 PM

You said it better than I could have...

insomniatic · 07-12-2008, 08:38 PM

Quote:

I'll bet the OP's grandmother isn't only a racist. I'll bet she's also a loving grandmother who raised one of his parents, and probably cares deeply about him. It's easy for people to tell him to kick her to the curb, but that isn't right either. OP, pay attention to the suggestions on how to ease your grandmother into the situation--perhaps have your parents tell her in the context of how much they like your girlfriend. Even if she does have old-fashioned racial ideas, she may be able to learn, and you will also find that many people with such ideas will make an "exception" for the wonderful girlfriend their grandchild brings home.

The grandmother isn't going to change her position on racism overnight. Even if she does say it is fine, I can bet that she will never accept the fact that the girlfriend (or eventually wife) is black.

bluealien01 · 07-12-2008, 08:49 PM

I see the AfroRomance one too!

galoisien · 07-12-2008, 08:56 PM

Ahh, the racism of the elderly.

The elderly of Asian families are the worst for racism. Not my family in particular, but in my birth country, the elderly class are the most socially powerful and they are responsible for probably 75% of the ills in my country -- the Chinese elderly in particular.

The government's demographic policies (subsidies to particular families for having children, regulations on which family can take what public housing, as public housing houses 80% of the population) are targeted with goals of not having the Chinese population fall below 74%. Muslim population cannot rise above 15%. Indians never above 9%. Eurasians and "Others" -- well, they are nice but they should know their place too.

Well, implicitly anyway, according to the gerontocracy. They live in the prosperity of the present, but socially it's as though the British are still colonial masters of Singapore where all the races must be segregated and only occasionally comingling is encouraged. I heard one Chinese grandmother publicly complain about racial ratios to her friend. ON THE TRAIN. Only social taboos and the cultural mantra of "respect your elders" -- and probably the law -- made me refrain from smacking her across the face. It's not uncommon to hear of old dragon ladies still stuck in Imperial China who refuse to get on the lift with a minority family and wait for the next lift.

Thankfully here in America, the OP's grandmother isn't part of an entrenched culture, and she would probably not hold as much social power as she would in an Asian society.

AdvicePlease · 07-12-2008, 08:57 PM

Hunt -- Very nicely said!

Change is not easy for anyone....but who knows the OP's grandma may be more accepting then he thinks.....especially because she loves and cares for them. I think there is a good possibility that she could change her prejudices and possibly already has.

marite · 07-12-2008, 09:00 PM

the grandmother maynot really change her mind overnight, or even ever ; the important thing is for her to welcome the girlfriend into the family and not create a rift with other members of the OP family. I agree with Hunt, which is why I suggested introducing the girlfriend slowly.
Think about this from the perspective of the girlfriend as well. It would be bound to hurt if the grandmother openly rejected her or otherwise made her displeasure over the relationship known.
I am reminded of the flap over Obama's remarks about his grandmother; he was accused of "throwing her under a bus" although I had read a moving tribute to his mother, grandmother and wife he wrote last year for Mother's Day (i can't find the source right now). What he meant was that she continued to have reservations about African-Americans, and yet "loved him unconditionally." That was the important thing.

AdvicePlease · 07-12-2008, 09:03 PM

Galosien -- That's interesting and I didn't know that. Lucky for my brother that his elderly in-laws who live in China accepted him and welcomed him into their home when he visited. Hopefully this means that the traditions are changing in China.

galoisien · 07-12-2008, 09:11 PM

I wouldn't be surprised in some areas of China are more progressive than Singapore is currently -- at least culturally. A lot of stigma is still borne against local non-Han minorities, whereas because of Communist doctrine the American blacks were seen as bastions against American imperialism, or something of the sort.

Singapore bears racism against its own minorities mainly. The thing is, it's very subtle. Officially the policy is of "racial harmony". There is nothing resembling Jim Crow. But it is the social barriers against cultural mixing and by extension, interracialism, that annoys me greatly.

But yea, my advice to the OP is to introduce her slowly. And the OP knows his grandmother better than us. But what is her personality anyway? Was she an iron lady in her day?

tom1944 · 07-12-2008, 09:31 PM

37 years ago my grandmother (maternal) was outraged that my mom allowed my brother to date an Italian girl. That girl has been my SIL for 26 years. 52 years ago my grandmother (paternal) was horrified my dad was going to marry a catholic girl. My youngest brother likes to tell the story of my paternal grandmother telling us about a group of catholic thugs beating up her brother on his way to work because he was protestant- when I asked how they knew he was protestant she replied indignently I told you he was going to work. We have come a long way- we'll get there soon.

kippychick1961 · 07-12-2008, 09:41 PM

My point was that you dont need to Protect the grandma. Nor should you pussyfoot around the fact that her grandson has a GF of a different race.

He shouldn't have to hide his gf from his grandmother, if other girls met grandma, then this one should too. If grandma can't handle it, well, she doesn't deserve her grandson's company.

I don't buy this go slow thing, its allowing the racists to have power that they don't deserve. If Rosa Parks didn't just sit down, who knows were we still might be, why this go slow thing, that I don't understand.

What is to be accomplished by going slow, to spare grandma's feelings? SHe will either accept the idea or she won't. I wouldn't subjec the gf to grandma if there is any sign of grandma being rude, so I would feel her out as it were, but let grandma still have that power, why?

Shrinkrap · 07-12-2008, 09:48 PM

For me, it would be all about how BF handled it; If BF handles it well, I really believe grandmoms response would be a very small matter.

insomniatic · 07-12-2008, 10:22 PM

If the grandmother had disliked a certain race for so many years, what makes you think that she is going to accept it now?

I don't understand when people say that you should introduce the girlfriend slowly. What does that mean? You introduce her and that is it.

If the grandmother doesn't accept the girlfriend, then that is her loss. I would still bring the girlfriend to family functions and not "hide her" from the family. If the grandmother doesn't feel comfortable, then she could leave.

kippychick1961 · 07-12-2008, 10:49 PM

WHat insomniac said is exactly right. If grandma is going to "accept" the girl, then she will, if not, then she won't. Period. Dragging it out is just pointless, and her age is irrelevent, that she might be kind in other ways is irrelevant, she may pleasantly surprise everyone. She may not like it but will be quiet for sake of family peace, she may be a jerk about it, but dragging it out, eh, why?

The GF is a person and should be treated as such, not someone that grandma or anyone needs to be eased into meeting.
If she was my mother, I would say:

Mom, Johny is has a wonderful GF, she is this she is that. We are having dinner next week. And she is black, he is afraid to introduce her to you because of how you have spoken in the past. I don't want my son nor his GF hurt by bad words or comments or anything. So.....

I would tell her exactly what my son was feeling, and wouldn't tiptoe around the issue at all. Because Grandma needs to decide how she is going to be, but there is no reason to hide the GF.

Again, grandma may be just fine with it, but if her own grandson is concerned with her "reaction", then she needs to be made aware. People in a family that have racists views get away with it because people go, oh, that just uncle bill, or grandpa larry, someone at some point needs to step up and say, stop, I will not listen to anymore racists comments. Its not cute, its not funny, its not old fashioned, it is cruel, sad, and disgusting, and I will not listen to it anymore.

marite · 07-12-2008, 10:53 PM

The OP seems to care deeply about his grandmother. He'd like advice on how to introduce his GF to her without causing waves (on either side--think about the GF's reaction if his grandmother rants and raves). Telling him to turn his grandmother out of his life is probably not the advice he's looking for.

insomniatic · 07-12-2008, 10:59 PM

Quote:

The OP seems to care deeply about his grandmother. He'd like advice on how to introduce his GF to her without causing waves (on either side--think about the GF's reaction if his grandmother rants and raves). Telling him to turn his grandmother out of his life is probably not the advice he's looking for.

If the grandmother doesn't accept it, then he will have to choose between his girlfriend and grandmother. That is his own personal choice.