Chedva

OP, I think the best way to handle this is not to "handle" it at all. If you really want to show Grandma that times have changed and interracial dating is no big deal now, then treat it as if it's no big deal. Don't create an artificial "meeting" for Grandma; if there's an organic time to introduce her, do so. If you visit Grandma every week, take your GF one day. If you don't, then don't go specially. Introduce her at a family function or at your parents' house or wherever you would introduce a GF who wasn't of color. The more naturally you and your parents handle this, the less there will be to "handle." And if Grandma says anything, the one and only response should be, "Yes, Grandma, I know, and it doesn't matter to me. I love her as she is." Repeat as necessary.

BTW, I also think that one can be concerned about interracial dating and relationships without being a full racist. This is not a binary choice - racist or not. It's a continuum. There are cultural issues, family traditions to carry on, etc. I am a Jew, and would prefer for a whole host of reasons for my d to marry a Jew and raise her children as Jews. Does that mean I'll disown her if she intermarries? Certainly not. Does that mean I have "problems" with non-Jews? No. Grandma's "racism" may be more of a concern about the societal repercussions that existed in her day but may not exist anymore.

Hunt

"I don't buy this go slow thing, its allowing the racists to have power that they don't deserve. If Rosa Parks didn't just sit down, who knows were we still might be, why this go slow thing, that I don't understand.

"What is to be accomplished by going slow, to spare grandma's feelings? SHe will either accept the idea or she won't. I wouldn't subject the gf to grandma if there is any sign of grandma being rude, so I would feel her out as it were, but let grandma still have that power, why?"

The reason is that this is the OP's grandmother, and presumably he cares about her. I think that it was this kind of comment that made me, along with some others, to think that you were a teenager, because it paints the situation too black and white.

emeraldkity4

i agree with chedva.

My daughter is a lesbian & that is no big deal.
But does that mean I don't have concerns about it?
No.
I have concerns about her safety, about her legal rights, about her ability to make a family the way she wants.

To be unconcerned, I think would be to be either oblivious or uncaring.

kippychick1961

Yes he cares about her, but if she has a "tradition" that should not be honored, then why honor it?

Just because she is an grandma, doesn't mean if she has a belief system that is wrong, that you just ignore it.

It isn't black and white, no pun intended I am sure, however, too often people let relatives get away with things they would never let friends, acquaintences, etc, so why, just because she is grandma do we allow that kind of thinking?

Grandma probablly has been able to continue being "traditional" for years, because people allowed it and tolerated it, because she was "grandma". How does that make the GF feel, that relatives let grandma be "traditional" ?

Think of this this way, if people just let all the grandmas and uncles, and fathers just keep up that "traditional" thoughts, and beliefs, we would never make any ground or change.

This isn't just about the GF, its a bigger picture. I am not saying yell at grandma, but I am saying, why let the bigotry continue because you care about her? She doesn't carry that bigotry to just her family, it carries into the world, and because people say, oh its our relative, so we will let it slide, well, everyone is related to somebody and if we all let it slide, then....

If we ignore racist comments in our own family, how do we stand up to it in the greater world.

And grandma still would have the power because she is dictating through fear, possible rudenss, coldness, or whatever how others can act, that relatives feel they need to hide people from her, and negotiate family events, etc.

That give her power. As it gives other "traditional" people.

kippychick1961

Isn't it sad that we need to worry about how others will treat our children because of who they dated or married? And those people we fear are someone's relative, maybe someone's Grandmother. And because family has let it slide and not confronted Grandmother about her "tradtional" beliefs, she may be the one that treats Emeraldkitty's daughter badly.

It all starts at home, the change of attitudes and "tradtional thought", someone in a family has to make a stand, and if Grandma feels slighted or hurt by it, so be it. Her "tradtional thoughts" have already hurt a family member, who is afraid to share with Grandma someone he really cares about.

I care about my BIL, but not to the degree that I let him hurt others with his words, not in front of me anyway.

Just because someone is old, doesn't mean they have some sort of inherent right to be bigots.

marite

I am thinking how difficult it is to change anyone's mind on CC. And we're all probably much younger than grandma!

I agree with everything you say, Kippychick. The problem is that the OP cares about his grandmother and is looking for ways not to cut her out of his life.

kippychick1961

He wouldn't be cutting her out of his life, she would be doing that if she didn't accept him dating someone of a different race. Should he change who he is or who he likes because of fear of her beliefs?

No, any cutting out would be done by Grandma, if she chooses to take that path. Is the grandson supposed to hide this GF from her? If he feels he has to, that could make the GF, who has done nothing wrong, feel ashamed and that somehow she is creating this rift, when she is not.

mapesy

My grandmother was a racist. If one of my kids had been dating someone of another race before she died, I would have counseled them NOT to tell her. Even though I hated my grandmother's racism, I loved her unconditionally. Such news would have devastated her.

kippychick, You said:

No, they don't have an inherent right, but they may be inherently racist through no fault of their own. They were brought up in completely different times than the ones we live in today. We can't change who they are in the core of their beings just by telling them their feelings are wrong. And I would never disown my grandmother just because she has beliefs with which I don't agree.

I'm just thankful that my generation, as well as my children's generation, has come such a long way.

emeraldkity4

This is a difficult situation.

On the one hand- I would want to acknowledge that I would not want to cut an elderly family member out of my life, even though they had a belief/value, that I did not agree with.
However, I would also expect that this relative was already aware, that I did not share that belief system & that we had other areas that we could support and share with one another.

I would unless grandma was openly hostile in which case I would not really have a relationship with her anyway, give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that she could behave politely, if not warmly toward my friend.

marite

Kippychick:

As far as the OP is concerned, the end result is the same and undesirable. Is that difficult to understand? The advice he is seeking is not: "Cut her out of your life."

mom2three

I disagree with the "just show up with the gf and let the chips fall where they may," advice. If one of my boys were dating a girl of a different race, I would find a way to let my parents know before they actually met the girl. My parents, despite their upbringing, love my sons, and are very polite people. With time to prepare, they could behave themselves adequately when they met the young lady. Without warning they would be very surprised indeed, and might say something that could have been avoided. I would probably get an earful. But that's my problem, and I can deal with it. My parents are products of their own families and their generation (serious segregation.) They could come around, I think. But they would need some time to let the reality sink in, and I would not want that time to be taken in front of my son and his gf.

My goal would be to make sure that the young lady was not made uncomfortable in any way, either inadvertently or on purpose.

Shrinkrap

Having been "the girlfriend" in this situation, it might help to know that she has probably been "uncomfortable" before. And FWIW, my brother and I have both tried the "chips fall" strategies with our own families, and it worked out okay.( It was NOTHING compared to my cousin who changed genders!) Come to think of it, our significant others DID take a LONG time struggling with it with THEIR families.

mapesy

The best answer to the OP's question probably depends on his own grandmother.

One of my grandmothers could have handled this scenario over time. As such, I would have counseled my kids to follow some of the excellent advice in this thread about easing her into the situation. And the other grandmother? No how, no way. If I'd even tried to broach this subject with her, it would have irreparably damaged her relationship with me, my parents, and my children.

Only the OP knows his grandmother. He might ask himself:

--Is his grandmother a reasonable person, or is she very set in her ways? Does he feel she could accept the relationship, given time?
--Does his grandmother hold grudges? Let's say the OP tells his grandmother about his girlfriend and his grandmother gets very upset. Does the OP think it might irreparably damage his relationship with his grandmother?
--If it does damage their relationship, can the OP live with that?

lunitari

What's the big rush to introduce GF to the entire extended family anyway? I thought meeting the whole family was sort of reserved for when things get serious.

That said, if you're going to introduce her to Grandma I would do it the same way you'd introduce any girlfriend. Act as though you expect Grandma to act normal and polite, and perhaps she will--at least to your GF's face. You can only control your actions, not her reactions.

Hunt

"You can only control your actions, not her reactions."

I don't agree with this. You can manage the reactions of other people if you set up the situation wisely. For example, you can expect very different reactions if you spring something on a person unexpectedly or if they are prepared for it.