pmrlcomm

So far so good. We decided to let our daughter, now a rising college junior, have more latitude once she started driving. She was aware that she was going to be help accountable for her actions if she did anything that we wouldn't approve of. Part of the reason for starting this during her junior year of hs was knowing that she was going off to school in a relatively short period of time and we would have no say in what or how she did anything. If she was going to have a major screw up we would rather it be at home where we could help her through it. We loosened the reins some in her junior year and then she was on her own her senior year. We're happy to say she appears to be more responsible and in control than some of her peers at school so maybe something worked. We kind of looked at it this way... If we didn't do our job as parents the first 16 years, we weren't going to have much impact after that. You have to trust their judgment unless they have given you reason no to in the past.

Youdon'tsay

pmrl, that's exactly how I feel. In two years, he'll be totally on his own, so you have to loosen those apron strings at some point. He's never given us a moment's worry, so I trust him. The fact that he let me see the FB invite says there is a level of trust from him, and I hate to blow it by overreacting.

He went to a slightly smaller party a few weeks ago with some of the same kids. The difference for me was that I knew the parents well, had been to their house to socialize, worked on the same school committees, etc. Interestingly, he said he didn't enjoy the party that much and even called and asked me to pick him up early. These kids are kind of A-list kids, popular, hard-working and some are kind of preppy (as preppy as his alternative school gets!). He said he didn't know any of the music they played (indie, but he's into classic rock). This guest list is a little larger and includes more friends who are in his usual social circle. Those are the kids I know well and don't worry about!

pmrlcomm

We live in a very small community where we know or know of almost all of the kids our go to school with (graduating classes of 120 or so). That makes life a little easier. We are somewhat high-profile parents as we have bother been heads of various community groups and organizations so people know us and our kids. This is the kind of community where if I see someone elses kid doing something stupid I either say something directly or call the parents.

I do think the best thing you can do is let him know you trust him and his judgement. Also let him know the consequences if he makes a bad decision. We were never foolish enough to think our D wouldn't drink but she was always smart enough to do it in moderation... We never had to pick her up from anywhere but she knew she was better off calling us and taking the lecture than trying to hide things. The one cardinal rule is never lie to us. She learned early that the consequences for lying were much more severe than the consequences for what she actually did. I would say it has all worked out well as she has spent the last two summers living with us and not avoiding us... She usually hangs with us and watches movies with friends or whatever. Hopefully the 17 y.o. son will be as accommodating!

It sounds like we have trustworthy kids. Just be prepared for the mistakes and know you did your job when they come to you for advice. We're no longer as stupid as we were 3 or 4 years ago. LOL

HisGraceFillsMe

pmrl-you sound a LOT like my parents! I learned in about 7th grade that there was nothing that was worth lying to my parents about, because they'd only find out later and be extra mad because I lied to them.

Now that's not to say that I'm the perfect child...my parents don't know about everything I do/have done, and there are some little white lies that happen every now and then. But for the most part, I tell my parents everything.

Same thing happened with me as well...they loosened the reins quite a bit when I started driving. I really had no rules, except that I had to maintain good grades or they would no longer pay for insurance or gas (and they still pay for both ). However, they were VERY disappointed when they found out that I was driving other people when I wasn't supposed to (in CA, we can't drive others under the age of 20 until we've had our license for a year or if there's an adult in the car). Again, I should've just told them.

OP: I would try and touch base with the parents. If they're not going to be there and you don't know the kids throwing the party, I don't know that I would even go, let alone let my children go (but then, I've never been a partier).

pmrlcomm

We have a similar law here in Ohio but it wasn't in effect for her. It is for our son. He still has restrictions on who he can take and there are curfews in our city. We do know that he will occassionally take the extra person with him somewhere or come home after the city curfew. He also knows he does it at his own risk. If he gets caught, he pays the ticket and the increase in insurance or whatever other ramifications there are.

No kids are perfect Grace. There is a difference between white lies and outright lying... I don't want to know everything our kids do unless something goes wrong. Then I expect we will be the first to know. It is to protect them...

HisGraceFillsMe

^Yup.

Most of the time when I drove people when I shouldn't (law doesn't effect me anymore, as I've had my license for over a year), it was because they were stranded and had no other way to get home. However, I did once get "caught" at the mall when I got into a very small accident (just kinda scraped the side of another car while trying to park). Either the rent-a-cop (as my friends and I call him...XD I'm usually very respectful of cops, but this guy was a JERK and made a huge deal out of nothing, as the car I "hit" was not even damaged) didn't look closely enough at my license, didn't see that I had people in my car, or just didn't care. He even called my mother to tell her I had been in an "accident", but would not let me speak to her, to the point that she thought I was injured and freaked out when I called her. I was so traumatized by the cop's insensitivity that my sister had to come and pick me up and then I had to go back to get my car.

The cop even waited around until the people who owned the other car CAME OUT, then asked if he wanted my information. The guy laughed in his face and said, "Are you sure she really hit me?"

The guy who owned the other car did call me later and told me he wasn't taking any action, and apologized for the jerk cop. He also told me I "sounded like a very nice girl, and was sorry we couldn't meet on nicer terms."

Anyway. My mom told me later that she was very glad I wasn't hurt, but that had the guy taken action, I would've been required to pay back any damage costs, as well as any difference in insurance.

Something I look back and laugh at now, but was CERTAINLY not funny when it happened.

AND, I still hate parking in that mall to this day. XD worst parking lot I've ever seen.

pmrlcomm

Our daughter's only accident thus far was when rear-ended her best friends 1990 minivan on the way to the mall. No real damage...I think we bought the friend a $50 gc since the van wasn't worth repairing. Keep a level head and you'll do fine.

JC*

Touching bases with host parents definitely helps give you a feel for the supervision at the party. It sounds like you know your son and have a good relationship. I always let my kids know to call me even if they had done something that involved poor judgement (yep no one is perfect).
Better to check a problem before it gets worse.

HGFM, trust is so important and my kids also are quite honest with me, even as young adults. Sometime TMI! hahaha. As parents we tried to extend freedom as they got older through high school, with the understanding that with that freedom comes responsibility. OP a little guided freedom allows them to prove their trust.

HS is the hardest yet most amazing time for both teens and their parents.

paying3tuitions

On Oldfort's suggestion, I'd add a bit. Personally, I was disappointed in the whole realm of "call and make sure the parents will be home." As a newcomer to an upscale suburb, I didn't have working relationships with most of the parents of my kids' school friends. When I phoned, as I did each time in 9th and l0th grades, sure enough they all said, "We'll be home, of course!"

In actual fact, some of the "at homes" circulated through the parties periodically and knew what was going on. which meant what was going on was within some frame of healthiness. These were happy gatherings, according to my S, and he developed many friends.

Others hid in their Master Bedroom Suites all night, while the kids drank significant amounts, the party size grew like topsy, S returned home from one having been literally spun in circles and given several kinds of alchohol all while the parents were home, hiding somewhere I guess. Big houses.

So, it's a question of what a parent means when they say, "I'll be home during the party." I'd suggest to ask a bit beyond that, but thoughtfully. People take insult very quickly when a parent whom they don't know begins to question them about what they do in their own home. It's very delicate, and easy to offend when you don't know the people, yet care about your kid's welfare. I did my best to be dilligent, but polite with an extra question or maybe 2, not a full interrogation!

After a few experiences, my S began to ask for himself what would be the atomosphere of the party, and went to some but not others. He'd say (by senior year..) I'm going to this party, here's the address and phone, and the parents will be home...He was ready for me to check in on it, but I didn't because I could see he was self-censoring his choices. That was the best result of all. He declined more invitations than he accepted, but was using his own standards by then. We had people over here, as well, on occasions like a birthday or cast party. I never met a single parent face-to-face in all those years of his h.s., but am not active at the PTA or school events level, which I admire in parents.

He didn't like the over-the-top nasty parties, but got to enjoy some nice times in some nice homes before leaving for college. The difference wasn't whether or not the parents are home (they all were) but how the parents interacted with the party throughout the evening.

Youdon'tsay

I found a friend who had the kid over to her house in seventh grade, and his parents called her to ask whether they keep guns in the house before they let him come over, so maybe they'll be diligent ... and not too put off when I call myself.

My son doesn't have his license yet, but we've had the conversation about not getting in the car with someone whose been drinking, etc. He asked whether he could be designated driver for friends who'd been drinking. I told him to call me first because I want to make sure he checks them over for open containers of alcohol and the like.

I agree with JC* -- as the kids get older the challenges get greater, but it's so satisfying when things go right. Not looking forward to the first girlfriend though!