jdd

The nightmare of my ds's fraternity pledging this fall is coming out in bits and pieces. I can't believe I can't find a thread on this...am I missing it somewhere? If not, let's begin.

What do you know about your son's pledging experience this fall?

My ds went through sophomore rush at a New England LAC in September. What followed was 7 weeks of hell. We had almost no communication with him, so I had very little idea of what was going on. I thought college officials had a better grip on hazing these days?? Evidently not.

The worst of it was forced sleep deprivation that went on for WEEKS. I was truly alarmed when I arrived on campus for parents' weekend--one look at him and I knew. But he was determined to see it through, and after many anguished and sleepless nights, my dh and I decided to stay out of it. Unfortunately, his grades have greatly suffered this semester.

The final week of the pledge period was "hell week." My ds is very tight-lipped, but has implied that it truly was hell. I don't know what action to take about this.

Let's start the discussion for all parents to read....especially BEFORE their son decides to pledge. You need to be made aware of this!

pugmadkate

I hope you've enformed the school. The odds are very good that this fraternity is in violation of school rules.

oldfort

My daughter's school's pledging is freshmen spring. I have heard these guys are called down to the house at moments notice, day or night. Those pledges purposely take lighter course load or write the semester off.

My daughter is in a sorority. They do a lot of strange things, but probably not half as bad as fraternities. She has disclosed very little to me, so I doubt it if any parent would have any first hand knowledge unless they also joined fraternities, but then they were also sworn to secrecy. My daughter would say it has been a positive experience for her. Most of her guy friends are in fraternities, now they have made it through hell week, they are also enoying the greek life.

missypie

Jdd, my mind can't compehend frat pledging and hazing....how could you want to be friends with the guys who forced you to go through those experiences? I truly don't understand why anyone would want to go through it.

Muffy333

I hope some frats make their pledges do something that helps the world...plant, clean up trash, make dinner at a soup kitchen.

BengalMom

And the guys that treat you this way are "brothers"???

ColoradoMomof2

I'm sorry for your son's initiation experience, OP, and for the emotional heart-tugging you are going through as a parent. From what I can see, it all depends on the fraternity and the school they attend. Certain universities are MUCH better about enforcing "no hazing" policies.

Our freshman son pledged a fraternity this fall, was not "hazed" or forced to drink any alcohol, and from what he said, the worst thing he had to do regarding being a pledge was to haul stones in a backpack up into the Flatirons for some initiation ceremony. He has had plenty to time to study and will probably receive 3 A's and a B for his first semester's grades. The fraternity does charitable work as well, so it does give back to the local community. Our son has loved his experience so far, and we are very happy for him.

Please don't paint all fraternities with a broad negative brush. Some deserve it, but some clearly do not.

hmom5

This makes me ill. My DS is at a heavily Greek school and I have not been looking forward to this part of it. 25 years ago I could not believe what went on on my own campus and I assumed those days were over.

Yet every rush season we read about several deaths. How is this still possible? Why have colleges not taken a zero tolerance approach? Every frat should be shut down, no questions asked, when any dangerous situation is uncovered.

Why do these guys think drinking to such excess is fun?

Just want to note, I know this is not how all frats behave, but enough do behave this way to cause grave concern IMO.

fundingfather

My son pledged a fraternity in the spring semester of his freshman year. Yes, it took up a lot of time but he said that it actually taught him time management skills, which, as I recall from his high school years, were lacking. He was able to maintain his full load of engineering courses with no drop in GPA. He has since graduated, gone on to grad school and found himself a good job. His fraternity brothers have done the same and many are currently in law and medical school. All-in-all, it was a great experience for him.

What this says is that not all fraternities are alike. You need to evaluate each one on its own merits.

jdd

I am in absolute agreement that what I know about my son's pledging experience probably causes me more stress than it does him. And I also agree that fraternities differ in terms of their "traditions" and "rituals." My ds indicated that there are other fraternities on his campus that aren't as sadistic (my word) but that his is the most exclusive and therefore the most rigorous to get in (note the underlying element of brainwashing--I think he truly believes that it was "necessary" in order to build "brotherhood." Yikes).

DS says he's totally "over it" and that they're "great guys" who were just going through the traditional rites of pledging. "Yeah, they were a--holes" but part of the game is proving that it "didn't get to you," so you just go on and act like it was "no big deal" once it's all over. This, I assume, is why and how this ridiculous ordeal is perpetuated from generation to generation.

I guess I'm really amazed at my own naivete about the whole process. I would have had a long discussion with my son BEFORE the semester began, and I would have done my research. I just assumed they were the wholesome and motivated young men they presented themselves to be, with a healthy dose of partying thrown in. And yes, they do loads of community service and fund-raising, have high GPA's, fabulous job offers before they even graduate, blah, blah, blah... of course I know it's not ALL bad. Just the pledging part.

I wonder how many other parents were as naive as I was. As I talk about this among my friends, I'm amazed at how little moms and dads WANT to know about the process. There is such a tendency to believe that campus officials have more control these days over Greek life, but I can assure you that there continues to be a very dark and subversive element to it. In fact, I would argue that it has gotten even darker and more subversive BECAUSE of the crackdown by campus officials in recent years. The more the school exerts control, the more the frat is going to go underground with its activities.

As a friend (and fraternity member) recently told me, "you know way more about this than you're supposed to."

PackMom

S2's best friend (freshman) decided to pledge this semester. S2 insinuated that he might be interested also. We did not think it was a good idea for him first semester. Also ,we were not willing to pay the fees and he had no savings to do so. He let it go and didn't make a big deal about it.

At Thanksgiving, I asked how his friend was liking the frat and was told that he had already quit...didn't like all the stuff they were requiring of him. S2 said "the pledges walk around looking like they hate their life".

A friend's fresh. son at another school is loving his frat.

Booklady

Well I for one am completely naive, since my college didn't have fraternities or sororities. My 11th grade S is a very social kid, and I can easily see him wanting to join a fraternity when he gets to college. Can someone explain to me how it works? What is 'pledging', exactly?

hmom5

I don't think colleges should allow freshmen to rush. To me it really devalues the value of brother/sisterhood. The freshmen do not have a chance to get to know who and what they are joining. I am very glad DS's school makes them wait until soph year.

archiemom

To All: Ditto Coloradomomof2's experience.

My son pledged a fraternity during the spring of his freshman year (he considered it in the fall of freshman year, but wanted to settle into college life first) and has had a terrific experience with his fraternity. This fall he was on the Rush Committee and was recently appointed Senior Steward, in charge of membership activities, among other things. I am completely confident that his fraternity (or at least his chapter) does not engage in hazing activities...those type of activities would not have attracted him to fraternity life.

OTOH, his fraternity IS involved in charitable and volunteer work in their community and it is a requirement of membership, as is manitaining a minimum GPA. And, while I know there is drinking in his life, that is not a focus of his fraternity chapter, perhaps because there is no fraternity house for wild parties. My son also will be going to a leadership conference sponsored by his fraternity next January and will also be traveling to Chicago next summer for their bi-annual convention. These sound like exceptional opportunities to me.

Students DO need to evaluate each fraternity on its own merits. That's was rushing is for.

ag54

My sophomore son loves his fraternity, and it has been a good experience for him. He pledged last fall, and he purposefully took a lighter load, knowing that it was going to be time consuming (he also plays a sport for the university, so has that time constraint as well). He ended up with a 3.75 for the semester and had no ill effects from the ordeal.

I asked him point blank if there was any physical hazing involved, and while I'm sure he didn't divulge everything, or anything that could get him in hot water, he did say that they didn't make them drink or eat anything and that there was absolutely NO physical hazing. From the sounds of it, it was more mental and time consuming.

He's not one to put up with a bunch of cr@p, so I know that if it was bad enough, or demeaning enough, he would have bolted, especially since he has a group of guys that he's bonded with on his team.

Anyway, my point is, all fraternities and fraternity guys are not EVIL. If it is something your sons are interested in, look into it, but look with an open mind. It can be an extremely rewarding experience.

booklady, pledging is when you are offered a formal invitation to join the fraternity, and the time period (usually a semester or a few months) before you are initiated as a formal member in the fraternity. This can either be in the fall or in the spring depending on the recruitment period.