PackMom

morrismm..so sorry about what you have gone through. We've been through a similiar series of events over the past couple of years, car wrecks(plural), failing grades, arrests. When it rains, it pours. I hope it all works out for your NY D1 and glad your D2 was not hurt in the wreck. Also hope the counseling will help your S get on track.

Ok, so I just returned from a great "empty nest weekend". (S1 just graduated fr. college last month and S2 just finished freshman yr. but is staying at college for summer sch.
So this is our first summer without a kid at home in 22 years.)

On Thurs., DH got online and started searching for a weekend destination for us (we were celebrating our 27th anniv. on Fri.). I'm downstairs washing dishes when he calls out, "come look at this". He had found a beautiful tiny cabin on a mountain lake less than two hrs. fr. home (if you saw the movie "Dirty Dancing", it's that lake). Amazingly enough it was not rented for the weekend. He called reserved it and two hours later we were on our way. The owner even let us bring our dog!

We spent three great days canoeing, swimming in cool clear emerald green water, dripping dry on the deck atop the boathouse, while reading books, snacking, watching boats go by and the sun go down. We ate every meal (on nobody's schedule but our own) on the deck because the view of the lake surrounded by mountains was gorgeous. On Friday night we went to a free blugrass concert on the park nearby.

We came back to the real world this morning,lol.

It sounds corny to say but it was almost magical because there was no big pre-planning or build up. It was such an impulsive thing that we would never have done when the kids were at home. We had a great time and hope to do it again before the summer is over.

The empty nest feels strange and almost uncomfortable at first but it does free you to do/try things that you never would have before.

shawbridge

We're not there yet but we feel like we're on the way. ShawbridgeSon heads off to college in the fall, but he was on a gap year this year and while living at home was pretty independent. ShawbridgeDaughter is a rising junior at a private school where half the kids board and she often eats breakfast and dinner there (included in our tuition) and spends weekends in the houses in nice places owned by her friends' parents. ShawbridgeDaughter is spending the next 5 weeks in another city working in her uncle's biology lab and ShawbridgeSon is going to spend much of July traveling with friends. So, we feel like we're partway there.

For my partially empty-nest project, I'm starting a book (rough outline done) and am going to do a little writing retreat for part of next week. This is a more popular book than I've written before so it will have to be be shorter and catchier. I've got some learning to do.

I'd love to say that we'll travel more when the nest is fully empty, but I travel a lot as it is. What may differ is that my wife can join me sometimes when I head to nice places if she has time in her schedule.

khsstitches

Wow. Like many I am so glad I found this thread. Haven't been on CC in awhile and not on the Parents Forum in longer. I can relate to so many of your comments. Unlike most of you, I am not happily married and unfortunately do not look forward to more spouse time nor do I want it. I am thrilled for D #2 heading to an exciting city and wonderful school, and D#1 is also very happy in her chosen college, just finished her 2nd year. I have a list of things I want to do (and funny enough, they were both just a little put out that I actually had plans for things to do once they were gone!!!) I think D#2 may have some adjustment and homesickness issues whereas #1 didn't at all...so that may occupy some time and put a few plans on hold, we'll see. I love them dearly and am thrilled at their accomplishments and the intelligent young women they have become, and eagerly look forward to what they will move on to do with their lives. Finances are indeed an issue and its tight for a variety of reasons. The big piece is deciding on how I will be happiest without hurting them, but I think we all deserve to be happy and I know that although parts of my life make me happy (them) big pieces of it do not. I recently described myself as a "married single parent" as that is what it has been. So.....courses, classes, a ballet class I have always wanted to do.....continue to go to theaters, shows, museums.....the cheaper the better.

By the way, for those looking into cheaper travel try hotwire or priceline. Not perfect but I have used them and gotten great deals at much fancier places than I would stay...like just this week I paid $50 a night for a nearly $200 a night hotel while taking D to college orientation. I didn't spend much time there but when I did, it was VERY nice!

missypie

I guess we all should be grateful when are nests are empty and our little hatchlings are totally on their own, in a self-supporting way. My sister married for the first time at 18, but has returned to our parents' nest again and again and again, each time with different "issues."

Indiana91

Thanks for posting, khsstiches. I imagine that there are many of us for whom the last child leaving means the possibility of other changes. I like your approach of focusing on what makes you happy.

lkf725

Thanks, too, khsstiches. You have a very positive outlook on finding happiness. Since my life has been in turmoil in recent months, I tend to read about people enjoying their empty nest time and think that their happy, perfect lives are out of reach for me. I guess some of us just have to look a little harder. Thanks for putting things in perspective.

timely

We homeschooled our children, so my whole identity was wrapped up in being a homeschool mom. Last summer, as the time approached for our youngest to leave, I was not happy at all. Well...in one way I was happy. Senior year was pretty rough. S2 is disorganized and the whole application process was monumentally stressful. He also developed a pretty bad attitude during that time. So, I wanted him to leave, but I didn't want him to leave. I cried a lot.

Coming home to the empty house after dropping S2 off was painful. I remember one time when I started crying at the grocery store, because I picked up a bottle of grape juice out of habit, then realized I didn't need grape juice since S2 was the one who drank it and he didn't live at home anymore.

But, after a couple of weeks of sniffling, I looked around and realized this wasn't half bad. H and I really reconnected, just like lots of people say often happens. It was pretty surprising. My relationship with each of our 3 kids has improved after they moved out. They call often, and of course there is facebook and email, so I am still very much involved in their lives.

I think someone said in this thread something about not needing to parent anymore. Ha! This came as a big surprise to me, but I am still doing a lot of parenting. Sometimes it's relationship counseling on the phone, sometimes packing boxes with stuff various ones need me to send to them, and sometimes just listening to the latest stories the kids have to share. I still feel very needed, and I like that.

In addition to parenting, I have stepped up my responsibilities in our family business, started working out (still trying to get more regular with that), took on a (very time consuming) position as the marketing chairman for a state association we belong to, and am contracting out some projects at home that have needed doing for a long time (painting, new carpet, etc.). Did you know that when you have painters come, you have to take all the books out of bookshelves so they can be moved? Then, since the books are out, you have to sort through them and figure out what to do with the ones you don't want. You also have to take down all your pictures and drapes. I thought it was going to be so great because the painters would be doing all the work. Okay, they are still doing most of the work, but I am working, too! In a couple of weeks, I'll be teaching vacation Bible school classes for 5 year olds, so that should be a fun change of pace. I am enjoying my life and am doing just fine with not being a homeschool mom anymore.

vicariousparent

It might be a good idea to sticky this thread.

Montegut

First off, how do you sticky threads? Y'all are getting me computer literate here.

Another question, with regard to homeschool mom, I often wonder, what is it like to send your child away to college when you have homeschooled them most of their life? That must be terrifying. We swam with a homeschooled girl, and she went to the local university, but is thinking of transferring to a state school in the Northwest, all the way from New Orleans? I cannot imagine what her mother must be going through.

Oh, yes, the home renovations. That is what this empty nester will be doing. Much needed kitchen repairs. Will probably wipe us out financially, but has to be done. Am anxious for son to go away so I can do that. Now, what to do with the ten cats during that time will be a challenge.

Definitely want to get back to swimming. Used to do that daily until school activities got in the way. Works wonders for your mental and physical well-being.

As for the grape juice, my son drinks white grape juice and eats malt-o-meal every morning. It will be very strange to not have to buy that anymore. Although I suspect I will be sending the malt-o-meal in care packages.

khsstitches

D #1 is not living at home this summer. Its a first. She has finished 2 years of college and had a job near school, so she and friends sublet an apartment. She is loving it and frankly, with jobs being very very scarce in our area, it was a smart move. Plus she was ready for the independence. She just had her first birthday not at home, #20. Now, there was indeed some sadness about that. It was strange. I've always done whatever they want for a cake...and I've had some interesting requests over the years. But mail a cake? Not going to arrive in 1 piece. I did the next best thing.....I sent a 5 pound Whoopie pie.....it was a huge hit. It is HUGE and fun.....if you want a fun item to make your child happy and send something completely different, I suggest it. It was the next best thing to a cake. She thought she was getting cookies - HA! :-) She, her roomies, and the guys across the hall were ALL very very happy.

morrismm

Thanks for your reply's. D1 is still in deep trouble. She is beyond overcome in her grief. Any suggestions and or referrals are extremely welcome.

shawbridge

morrismm, I am sorry to hear about your daughter. I'm not an expert (though I've done a fair bit of reading) and I would think that getting any kind of counseling could help your daughter but that cognitive behavioral therapy could be particularly beneficial. It is obviously natural and rational to be sad when someone you love breaks up with you. But, to be overcome with grief for an more extended period suggests that she's carrying with her some thoughts about her self, her value, her abilities to get what she wants (or something) that are really hampering her. CBT is designed to help her deal with those and in effect rewire her mental circuitry for the future.

shawbridge

I'm starting the empty nesting early. My rising junior D is in Toronto working for the summer in her uncle's lab. S is traveling for most of the month in preparation for going off to his freshman year. Shawbridgewife is traveling and I'm in Colorado starting my book and doing my annual "strategic planning for life" retreat with my close friend.

blackeyedsusan

Apparently, empty nesters are the new power brokers in DC: The Power of Empty Nesters - Page 1 - The Daily Beast

Excerpt: Somewhere, right now, people are probably compiling a list of Obama administration milestones: The first African-American president has been the first to increase fuel standards in more than a decade, the first to nominate a Latina to the Supreme Court—and so on, right down to White House’s first-ever organic garden. To this list can be added one “first” that has gone largely unnoticed: For the first time, a critical mass of top-level White House staff are professional women with grown children—a pioneering generation of empty nesters who have managed that fabled work/life balance at the highest professional levels and emerged with a set of qualifications unparalleled even in such a credential-rich town.

These empty nesters bring to the table not only executive-level experience in their chosen fields but also skills honed over years of simultaneous child-rearing: multitasking, time management, patience, unflappability—everything it takes to raise a child and hold on to a high-pressure job at the same time.

gladmom

blackeyedsusan, I am happy that the people with grown children are having such a wonderful time in Washington. The situation for those with children still at home is far from ideal, however. See A 'Family Friendly' White House Is Less So for Aides.

Those that you mention often come at a high cost.