So what do you do with an empty-nest? - Page 48

SansSerif · 09-19-2012, 02:17 PM

My daughter is in 10th grade and I look forward to an empty nest because it will mean I did my job successfully. As it is, I'm not sure she'll be ready to go away to college. I think it would do her a lot of good to do so, but I won't push it if she isn't ready.

But at some point, she'll need to move on, grow up, build her own life. And I'm supposed to miss her and get on with the next phase of my life. It will be the best thing for both of us.

Editing to add: Fidgit, that sounds like so much fun! I'm envious! lol

HouseGeneral · 09-23-2012, 11:56 AM

As our children reach for their top school regardless of location and assuming they may meet a spouse there, what role does proximity to family play i.e. they may not move back to their childhood home such that families continue to be spread across the country. Close-knit families are important, has anybody suggested that their children stay close to encourage a tighter family group later?

mominva · 09-23-2012, 12:43 PM

There are no guarantees.

The child that attended school within a 3 hour drive now lives 3000 miles away;
the one that was a 5 hour drive away now lives in our town;
the one who went to school on the opposite coast now lives in the same zip code!

None of the three met their significant others at their colleges.

HouseGeneral · 09-23-2012, 02:20 PM

Thank you. I've always encouraged my children to embrace challenges, so they have worked hard and done well, thus they have many college options. Friends' children have coasted along a bit more and thus are attending the in-state public colleges and staying close and everyone is so happy to have the children close and I just wonder what train I'm on.

shawbridge · 09-23-2012, 03:14 PM

We would love it if the kids are nearby but wouldn't generally suggest it as we want them to create the best lives for themselves. ShawSon had some health issues in HS and so we suggested he apply within a four or five hour drive in case we had to scoop him up and take him to specialized doctors. The only schools he applied to beyond 3 hours were my alma mater and a couple of safeties. He is finishing up at an LAC 1.5 hours away. The health problems have been resolved and he is thinking of getting a job in another country. Where he ends up later? I'd say the largest probability is in the Northeast, second highest probability California and third highest the UK, but you never know. He'd love to live in the town we live in and has asked how much he'd have to make to live where we live and like we live.

ShawD initially started college an 8 hour drive away in Canada. Getting home took a taxi and two plane rides or a 2+ hour bus ride and one plane flight. She transferred after the first semester to a school 30 to 20 minutes away although the transfer was unrelated to the distance but more to a change of subjects -- she's studying to be a nurse practitioner. The odds are that if she does well, she'd have the opportunity to stay in the area as she is right near Harvard's teaching hospitals and would love to work at one.

But, who knows where we'll be. If our kids are close by, we'll stay in our town (which ShawWife loves) but I'd like to have a place to go that is warm in the winter.

cromette · 09-29-2012, 05:37 PM

Let's see...

I'll redecorate, exercise more, travel with my husband, spend more time volunteering, visit my grandmother and my mom more, enjoy a football game WITHOUT having to chaperone, take up painting and sewing again.

That's just for starters.

gloworm · 09-30-2012, 06:51 AM

HouseGeneral,
There really is no way to tell. I do think it is easier to keep closer ties in this day and age than it was a generation ago, though. S went to school 2 hrs. away and now lives ~5000 miles from here. D went to UG 1200 miles away, and is doing Grad where here brother went. I suspect she will end up in Europe as well, but H and I will beat her there in retirement.

missypie · 10-22-2012, 10:24 AM

Last night we were talking to a lady who is almost 90 about how she continues to take organ lessons. This isn't an electric organ....she is taking lessons from a very accomplished full time church organist and is playing a big time pipe organ. I guess that's in the "it's never too late" category.

MiamiDAP · 10-22-2012, 11:57 AM

^Yes, never too late. I started taking lessons in certain type of art after my D. left for college. And now I am even selling my peices. I do not sell because I need additional income, it is close to nothing. I sell becasue I need space in my house, which I am flooding with my peices, even bought a new furniture to store them. And I discover that selling is also a fun, was not prepared for this discovery. New things are addictive, if you start something be aware that you might not be able to stop, you might need to find the way to get rid of your output (if any).

Nrdsb4 · 10-23-2012, 09:48 AM

I don't think I would have such an easy transition to empty nester status if not for my part time job and lake home. I work a couple of days a week, get my chores and errands done on the remaining day or two, and head to the lake for extended weekends with DH and friends. I feel very lucky.

I would also like to take some fun ed types of classes that would also be useful, such as personal finance/investing for dummies, computer classes, and the like.

ChoatieMom · 10-23-2012, 03:17 PM

Just realizing that DH and I are actually empty-nesters as only-child headed back to boarding school last month. I posted this a few weeks back on the prep school parents forum, but it’s relevant here as I am belatedly aware of my status as an empty-nester and wondering how this happened so stealthily.

Quote:

This thought is for parents, but may strike a chord with kids, too. Though it seems obvious, the reality didn’t fully hit us until DS came home this past summer after finishing his first year– he’s never really coming home again. Everyone here (me included) talks about how the kids really aren’t gone that long between breaks and a visit from you on Parents Weekend, but the fact is that they are basically on a college schedule and will probably never again occupy your home full time. We all plan for that when they leave for college, but I didn’t truly understand what the in-your-face reality of sending my 14-year-old far away would look or feel like. I’m telling you this as an older parent who is known in my circles as the least controlling, least clingy, least “mother-type” of the bunch. I had absolutely no qualms about BS last year, not one. I didn’t cry at drop-off and, although I missed him, I placed that emotional cost below the value of the education and experience he was enjoying—and still do.

But here’s the thing. This summer, it really hit me that even though he’ll be dropping in for brief periods, he’s basically gone for good. At 14. At 15. Earlier than (it turns out) I was ready for. Sooner than I thought. Our family dynamic has changed forever. Now. Not later. He had an internship this summer that was basically a full-time job. It seems we barely saw him before he was back at school. I realize that that precious room at the end of the hall is basically just a guest room now, a place for him to land occasionally on his flight toward the true independence of his adult life.

I also realize that every child and every family is different. The way your family “connects” may not seem so interrupted by BS. Your child may not be quite as independent as mine; when s/he’s home, s/he may be truly “yours”, and your old family life resumes as though s/he never left. That is not what happened to us.

So, what’s the advice in this commentary? To parents who may be sending kids more than a drive away, I’d say to think carefully about ALL the ways remote BS could/will affect your family, not just the terrific education it will provide your student. This is not a warning; we would embark again, but I wish I had better understood during the decision process the magnitude of this change, how much we would miss, so perhaps it wouldn’t have hit me so hard when the light bulb finally did go on. Then again, maybe it’s just not possible to understand this until you experience it, and maybe sooner is better than later. I’m not sure. I had no tears then but plenty of hidden tears now; only our cat understands. I wonder if I had known how big this hole in my heart could get, if I would have made a more selfish decision…

Then, later, as other prep school parents started to PM me about how they deal with the time between breaks, I felt I had to clarify:

Quote:

I’m not sure my post clearly conveyed the subtle distinction between the nine-month empty house that is the obvious result of your child going away to school and the realization that your child may never occupy your house full-time again. The first is the immediate effect for which there is much advance notice, preparation, and advice; the second is a corollary not covered in the handbook and never discussed outright anywhere I’ve looked. I’ve posted about how I often wander into my child’s room, finger his things, and miss him while I imagine what amazing thing he might be doing or learning at the moment, as I’m sure many of you do, too. But in those moments, I’m also thinking about how soon I’ll see him again; I’m never thinking about the permanence of this pattern. To me, it’s a subtle but devastating distinction that I did not clearly understand when we were dancing around the acceptance letter or clinking our martini glasses in the charming town pub after drop-off.

In between those wistful trips to his room, I enjoyed a lot of “me” time last year. DS is our only child, and DH travels most of the week so, for the first time in 14 years, I had my old life back, and much of the time I was enjoying the freedom thinking that I had the best of all worlds; I could live my adult life unencumbered by much parenting while my child was getting a world-class education, and we would all get to go back to our wonderful family dynamic in the summer with our “kid”. Then, DS came home, worked all summer on an internship that even took him out of town for a while, and was gone again. I felt cheated somehow, and I wasn’t sure why. I felt that I had lost something important, that something was taken from me when I wasn’t looking, that something hadn’t worked the way it was supposed to.

Slowly, it dawned on me that there was nothing wrong with what had happened or what he had done, but this is the way it’s going to be from now on. When I agreed to BS, I was also implicitly agreeing to let him go, really go, not really live here anymore. Now I get that, but I feel that all I have is an amethyst remembrance.

I held a Jewel in my fingers - Poem by Emily Dickinson

Are you really ready for this?

When our DS left for boarding school last year, we thought of ourselves as boarding school parents when in reality we were empty-nesters, too. It's taken a full school year/summer cycle for this to fully dawn on me. Yes, DS is still a youngster, but that doesn't bring him home at night. I keep sneaking over to this forum because I feel I have a foot in both camps. I appreciate this thread. Now that I have a new status, I'm going to have to try some of your suggestions.

arisamp · 10-24-2012, 01:15 PM

ChoatieMom - this hit us as well these past two months. D is a sophomore in college - but S left (rather unexpectedly) for boarding school at 14, making us empty nesters way ahead of schedule. He was just home for a fall break and headed back yesterday - pretty happy to be going back, making me realize this is how it is going to be from now on. This is the "new" normal.

Interestingly enough, when we were at his school a couple of weeks ago for Parents' weekend, I asked him if he had any regrets about this decision. The only one he said was that he realized the family dynamic has changed completely now and it will never get back to what it used to be. I was a bit amazed by his perceptive response.

On being empty nesters, D and S put together a scrapbook of advise for my birthday. They filled the pages (each with one theme) on things we could do as empty nesters - travel, take classes, volunteer etc. For each theme, D did the homework to fill in details including phone numbers/websites etc and write a humorous note including anecdotes from the past. S took care of drawing pictures for each theme. Great, great book to treasure from my kids! I am actually taking some of that advise!

PhotoOp · 10-24-2012, 05:15 PM

I lost my youngest to boarding school four years ago. It is a loss, it has never been the same and its the biggest regret of my life. By far. After the first summer she never really came home again. I would never recommend it for anyone.

But while that's not what this thread's about I still appreciate reading your posts because I don't go to the prep school forum any more - so thank you for posting here.

VeryHappy · 10-24-2012, 10:10 PM

As a fairly long-time empty nester (S2 graduated from HS in '07), you guys are tugging at my heartstrings and making me cry. ChoatieMom: You write very well. Just remember: it's never the same. It's different. But it can be better, or worse. It is what you make of it.

ChoatieMom · 10-25-2012, 09:42 AM

@arisamp: What a wonderful gift! I would cherish that so much.

@PhotoOp: I am so sorry that BS is your biggest regret. I am writing this in a cafe just off campus at Parents Weekend. I took DS to dinner last night, and the lights in his eyes remind me that this about him, not me. I think that, at some level, I share your regret for what this has done to me, but I would never take this away from him. If he were ambivalent at all, I'd pack him up and take him home but, alas, that is not the case.

@VeryHappy: You post truth. I am making the best of it. I'll get there, eventually.

Thanks all.