So what do you do with an empty-nest? - Page 5

PackMom · 06-14-2009, 09:25 PM

It will get better. You might surprise yourself at how much you enjoy the freedom the empty nest allows. Don't feel guilty for enjoying yourself without the kids. It doesn't mean you love them less. It's just getting used to a new lifestyle

Our kids think it's cool that we are getting out and doing things. We take day trips, weekend trips, go to/rent more movies, took a vacation in May (free visit to my sister's)which we never could have done during the school years,try different restaurants(lots of buy one get one free coupons) they wouldn't like. You can be really irresponsible if you want to and nobody will know...tonight we had ice cream for dinner!

We don't really like our town that much either so are enjoying making plans for building a home in a different part of the state much closer to our extended families.

I promise you. It will get better.

anxiousmom · 06-14-2009, 10:54 PM

You may not have to miss your kid too much. Telecommunications makes life easier and closer. I have one post-college kid living halfway across the world, and 8 hours ahead in terms of time zones. No problem! She calls me to chat using free SKYPE once or twice a week - it's way past midnight her time and just afterwork my time, but it feels like she's next door. Cell phones, laptop cameras, video clips are all ways to make the distance disappear. You may be physically separated from your kids, but if you are close and enjoy each other's company, you can continue that in the "virtual" world. You may find your little darlings call you each day as they walk across the academic quad on their way to class, just to check in and say hello!

BunsenBurner · 06-14-2009, 11:28 PM

"So what do you do with an empty nest?"

We just recently refinanced it, and, as I speak, my H is remodeling the deck. I just picked a bucketful of wild strawberries (if one could call the groundcover in my backyard "wild"), and I'm about to start making very fragrant strawberry jam. My garden is doing fantastically this year thanks to the unusually warm June. I wish I'd planted more tomatoes! So we are not moping around the nest feeling all sad and depressed, but we do miss our babies. It did get better.

Just a few days ago, I saw this Oprah.com article on the web:

Sex and other perks of empty nesting - CNN.com

Quote:

"At first simply driving past a soccer game would make me weepy," says the 54-year-old mother of two from Philadelphia, who officially became an empty nester in August 2007. "But by December, I remember thinking, "I've adjusted."

Suddenly she and her husband were going on impromptu dates and getting together with friends. And Shure, a family therapist, threw herself into editing a clinical treatment book -- something she would never have time for if the girls were still home.

"I absolutely miss my kids," she says, "but I'm enjoying a really full life now."

^^This pretty much described my feelings.

momma-three · 06-15-2009, 08:44 AM

My husband and I have four children that left for college in three years. We had an extremely busy life with our children and the first drop off at college was very hard. I cried all the way home and thought about all the things I was going to miss. That first year was the year of first; the first time we did'nt do this with our child or celebrate that with our child. I did not go into the bedroom for a month and then when I did, I would lay in the bed and cry. My heart felt broken. But, then came October and a very short break from school and my house was full again because all the kids were home and so were all of their friends.
I went through this every August for three years and the year our twins left I did not think there would be a tear left. We dropped them off and the final goodbye was heart wrenching. They walked away and I remember calling out to them so they would turn around - I just wanted another look at their faces so I could remember the momentous that would mark this new beginning. (I still remember that goodbye like it was yesterday)
The third year and last child to leave was the most difficult of all. Not because we were sending off our last but because we did not think our last was ready to go. I cried when our daughter left but I also felt that something was different this go around. It was a difficult year for her and for us and now she will return home. I will cry again this year when all the kids leave but my saddest tears will be for the daughter that is not returning. Your children are embarking on a wonderful adventure and if they are ready both academically and emotionally it will be filled with the ups and downs of their emerging adulthood. They will each handle being away differently. Some will call only when things are great, others when things are not so good, maybe when they need money. I have come to learn the pattern for each child and I chuckle when I hear the voice. I love the calls when the grades are good-it reminds me of elementary school when they would run in with the test paper in hand. You may have a child that never tells you what they got on the chem test or math pre-lim. What will make it all easier is that your child is happy. When they are happy and doing well you will be happy. You will miss all of the things you did with them, and for them but, it was all of those things that led to this wonderful time.

I wish I could tell you all to save the tears and the sadness because they are meant for sad occasions but I can't. You will all find that out for yourselves. In a few short months they are home for winter break and then again for summer break and you will all realize how fast the college year really goes. You will miss shopping and cooking for everyone and at the same time you will become accustomed to not shopping and cooking for everyone. I personally do not miss cleaning up ALL the time.

Enjoy this time-It is exciting and wonderful and full of unknowns. Your child will leave for college with one major and come home with another. They will meet new friends,join frats or sororities and grow up faster than you could believe. It is by far the most challenging of times and they need you to be excited with them (even if they don't say it).
As I said earlier, this end of August my real tears are for the one child not returning to school. Good luck to all of you and when you call your childs name as he or she walks away remember they are scared and they need to see a big encouraging smile and excitement in your face. Cry when you get back in the car and leave.

lkf725 · 06-15-2009, 09:01 AM

I am so glad to have found this thread! I was sort of "okay" when the first child left for college. I missed him, but we spoke (or emailed) almost daily. I thought of how I would feel when my second (and last) child left home with trepidation; that event is only one year away. To make matters worse, DH passed away recently so my nest will be totally empty. I have always been very involved in family and school, so now there is a huge emptiness that will probably be painfully vast next year.

At least it gives me a little hope that others have coped with EN successfully. There probably are other things I would like to do but have never considered because I was so busy.

And I do talk to my dog more these days!

MidwestParent · 06-15-2009, 09:34 AM

Oh lkf, my heart is heavy for you. I hope you enjoy each and every moment of your baby's last year at home.

Northstarmom · 06-15-2009, 09:34 AM

My condolences on your H's death, lkf725. I hope you're getting some support as you adjust to the changes in your life.

anxiousmom · 06-15-2009, 09:58 AM

LKF - I'm so sorry for your loss. When the time is right, fill your life with friends and causes and work and joy and warmth and love. Wishing you the best.

PackMom · 06-15-2009, 10:41 AM

lkf725, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. When you feel like it surround yourself with friends as much as possible. My Dad passed away when I was 12 (my bro. and sis were already out of the house). When I left for college after six years of just Mom and me making it together, it was hard for her. I believe her good friends were what got her through. They stopped by to vist often, went to church groups together, went out to eat, went shopping. They were her support system after I left.

I hope you too will find the support you need.
Enjoy your youngest's last year at home. Worry about the rest later.

I talk to my dog alot too,lol

Northstarmom · 06-15-2009, 10:47 AM

One of my friends, who lost her much loved husband 2 years ago, got much help and support by having a therapist, who also suggested that my friend keep a journal and consider getting involved in some activities that she had enjoyed when she was young. My friend continues to grieve (not surprising), but also has found some sunshine in her life including through some new friends and activities.

colmomto2 · 06-15-2009, 10:49 AM

lkf725 - I'm so sorry for your loss.

momma-three · 06-15-2009, 11:13 AM

lkf725 I am so sorry that you suffering the loss of your husband while watching the kids go off to college. I wish you all the best during this very difficult period. Stay connected to a good friend and family members. You are in my thoughts.

MiamiDAP · 06-15-2009, 12:56 PM

I got busy ASAP or the option of huge depression was getting way too close. Then I discovered thru the experience that to be happy I have to stay very busy, like being torn between things to do, otherwise I would be very depressed. It is not for everybody at all, others are very happy watching TV, reading, shopping, all of which I cannot stand. So, in a time of transition, it is important to refocus on yourself and try to find out what makes you happy. Unhappy unfullfilled person would have hard time helping others.

missypie · 06-15-2009, 01:00 PM

I know one mom who is still the president of the middle school choir booster club, even though her child hasn't been in the middle school choir for many years. She loves the director and director loves her...it's a fine line between being creepy and being helpful, but there may still be a way to stay involved in school activites if you want to. (Another example: one mom choreographed the elem. school choir concerts for 7 years after her D left elem. school.)

lkf725 · 06-15-2009, 01:00 PM

Thanks for your kind thoughts everybody.