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17 Year Old Not Asked to Prom

lavender12lavender12 Posts: 23Registered User New Member
edited June 2009 in Parent Cafe
How many of you have a high school junior who has never been asked out on a date? My DD is 17 and has never been asked to a school dance or out on a date. It made me so sad to see her sit at home on prom night - all of her friends were asked and she chose not to go as the only "dateless" person in the group. I did encourage her to ask someone but all the boys she knows had paired up with someone. She is very cute (I know I am her mom but she is), excellent student, varsity athelete since 9th grade, nice personality if a bit quiet, student leader, etc...... Another reason I feel bad for her is that multiple boys asked her whether or not she thought other girls would go with them to the prom but not one asked her! I know she cried and asked why no one thought she is pretty or nice enough to ask out. I am also a bit worried that she will go off to college without any dating experience - I believe that the missteps you can make as a 16-17 year old in the dating world become awkward and wierd when you are 19 or 20. I hate that she is so lonely. Her social confidence is eroding and as a parent I don't know what to do if anything. Do many of you have the same situation with your teen? Thanks for your thoughts.
Post edited by lavender12 on
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Replies to: 17 Year Old Not Asked to Prom

  • Ray192Ray192 Posts: 2,019Registered User Senior Member
    There's really nothing you can do about it. Unless you pay some kid to ask her out or something.

    If your daughter flirted more with prospective suitors she might get asked, i suppose. People tend to ask out people they think they have a chance with.
  • jyber209jyber209 Posts: 653Registered User Member
    Do not fear. My D did not date in high school although she is quite attractive. But she was not in the "socially advanced" group and was not inclined to be aggressive socially. The girls are often more mature than the guys at that age and for a girl who is not inclined to take the initiative, it simply may not happen in high school. Sounds like your D has friends, both male and female, and that is what is significant IMO.

    My D simply went to the (really great) post-prom party with another dateless girlfriend. I was proud of her.

    D then went on to an all-women's college, but I can tell you that now that she is settled in her adult life (three years out of college) she has not had any issues along these lines -- has dated several very nice guys, most a few years older than herself. I am somewhat glad that her dating life did not take off until she was mature.

    You can be supportive of your D by planning an alternative special activity.

    IMO kids dating early may not necessarily be the best for the long run. It is the long run that really matters.

    On the other hand, I do have a son who was "plucked" by a female classmate the summer before junior year in high school (band camp romance) and has been quite happily dating (if you can call dinner and a movie at one of their parents' houses dating ) her for close to three years. So I have seen this from both sides. They have survived the first year of a long distance relationship (different colleges), evidence to me that different paths can work.

    But my point is that not dating in high school should not be a cause for concern. It will happen in its own time.
  • Inter1908Inter1908 Posts: 46Registered User Junior Member
    Everything happens for a reason.

    Nevertheless, we're not talking about a sickness or a death. It is undoubtedly a difficult time for your D but she will become stronger because of it.

    Take it from a 17 year-old italian: some guys prefer the girl who doesn't flirt and give you false hopes.

    Leave her be: she's great.
  • 1down, 1 to go1down, 1 to go Posts: 283Registered User Junior Member
    I'm surprised one of her close friends didn't make a match and encourage a boy to ask her. That's what happened in D's group with the "quiet" girls....maybe next year she can get a friend to drop a hint to a boy she would like to go with.
  • wbowwbow Posts: 972Registered User Member
    sometimes the cute, smart, athletic ones can be a bit intimidating for an unsure high school boy!

    don't worry about it another minute. this is one of those problems that seems much larger than it really is.
  • thumper1thumper1 Posts: 37,098Registered User Senior Member
    DD didn't go to her junior prom even though she had a few friends SHE could have asked. She didn't want to do that. She did go to the senior prom with a good friend. She's now 21 and no worse for the wear because of this. She still has never had a serious boyfriend. Says she can't deal with the "drama" at this point.
  • oldfortoldfort Posts: 17,049Registered User Senior Member
    I am going to out on a limb to say my D1 is drop dead beautiful. Since she was 14+ every where we have gone, people have stopped her or us to let us know. But she never had a date or boyfriend in HS. She was quite upset and felt she just wasn't attractive to boys her age.

    I think the reason D1 and some other girls don't get asked out in HS or even in college sometimes is because many young boys do not have enough confidence to ask pretty girls out who they are not sure about. Young men prefer girls that would put out, to be very blunt (many dads would tell you at that age, most boys really just have one thing in mind). They also prefer to ask girls they know who would definitely say yes.

    D1 asked a friend to her Junior prom. The boy originally said yes, but started regretting it when he found out another girl with better curves was interested in going with him. Needless to say, the prom turned out to be a disaster. The boy behaved so badly, his best friend actually punched him out and his mother apologized on his behalf. Interestingly, the boy and D1 became very good friends after they got it all sorted out - a year later.

    D1 started to date second semester of her freshman year in college, and they are all older boys. She doesn't go for random hookups. She wants a boy to ask her out, not just "I'll meet you at this party." She laughs about how it just eliminates about 90% of boys.

    It is hard as a mother to see one's child unhappy or disappointed. I wanted my D1 to have dated before she went off to college, while she was still at home with me. But it has worked out. She tells me and asks me for my opinion on all her boyfriends. She uses her phone to take pictures of her and her date before a dance/party in college, so I don't feel like we are missing much.
  • MarianMarian Posts: 9,382Registered User Senior Member
    I think that part of the problem is that many boys have no interest whatsoever in attending prom.

    When you take those guys out of the picture, a lot of girls end up dateless.

    Personally, I object to the whole concept of prom. I don't see why there should be school-sponsored events that require students to pair off in couples. School events, in my opinion, should be designed to welcome all students, without creating uncomfortable social situations.

    I wouldn't worry too much about a young person going to college -- especially a highly academic college -- with no dating experience. For some reason that has never been thoroughly explained, a substantial proportion of academic kids tend to mature late when it comes to dating. They don't date much, if at all, in high school, but by some point in college, they're ready. They seem to figure things out.
  • toledotoledo Posts: 4,134Registered User Senior Member
    My 17 year old wasn't asked, either, but found other girls in her same predicament and hung out with them at prom. She said she had a great time. I'm hoping she gets the message that you don't need a guy to have fun. Also, having chaperoned recent dances, the idea of "gringing" with a guy you aren't crazy about would be very unnerving.

    Last year, a 17 year old girl walked up to my son and said, "I don't have a date for prom and would really like one." Guess what? He asked her because he said it was "easy".
  • NorthstarmomNorthstarmom Posts: 24,853Registered User Senior Member
    She should go to prom with some female friends, something that is perfectly fine to do these days. I've seen lots of girls who do this. I wish this option was available when I was young because I never went to a prom.

    My sons didn't care about proms. Older S didn't go to any. Younger S was asked to prom as a junior, but kindly turned his friend down possibly because he correctly surmised that she was interested in a deeper relationship than their friendship. The next year, he accepted her invitation, had a great time, and tactfully managed to keep the relationship on a friendship-only level.
  • toledotoledo Posts: 4,134Registered User Senior Member
    "gringing"
    should be "grinding". Didn't want you to think there was a new dance out there!
  • LaylahLaylah Posts: 441Registered User Member
    Your daughter will be fine. I never dated in high school either, and I don't think it did me any harm (I'm 24 now). I started dating in college, and found that I didn't have half the problems that some of my friends did back in high school - I was older, more mature, more confident in myself and more able to deal with difficult situations.

    I went to my high school prom with a group of friends, some of whom were in couples and some of whom weren't. I had a fantastic time.
  • LongPrimeLongPrime Posts: 5,208- Senior Member
    I have a 24 yo westcoast, engineer son, accomplished, working in a university setting, handsome, fit, likes traveling, walking, camping, biking, museums , talking. Sic your D's on him... Please.
  • oldfortoldfort Posts: 17,049Registered User Senior Member
    LongPrime - your son sounds very eligible. Does he like food?

    Maybe CC should have a sub forum for us to set our kids up - we probably could do better than Match.com.
  • MidwestParentMidwestParent Posts: 851Registered User Member
    Another beautiful D here who has never had a date (age 20). She did go to dances in high school, but always with boys who were friends from her social group. OP I can tell you that our D went to some of the Homecoming and Winter Sports dances and both proms, but really never enjoyed them. She went because friends went and because a friend asked her, but they just weren’t her scene. When she was younger and our older D would go to dances with her h.s. boyfriend, younger D and H would go get pond water and look at it under a microscope or go over to the hospital lab and look as random tissue slides – now THAT was a good time to her! I’m sorry your D feels bad about not being asked. My D is lovely, tall, thin, smart (val, NMF in hs), athletic, and has a smile that lights up a room. One of my husband’s partners went to undergrad at the same school D attends. In the course of some conversation we mentioned that she had never had a date. His response was, “Hey I’ve SEEN “Susie” and if “Susie” wanted to have a date, she’d have a date. She’s just choosing not to date right now.” Our D is too busy with her eye on a goal and is making the choice to not “send out signals” as Ray 192 alluded to. I’ve asked D is she is interested in dating and she replies, “I am just too busy.” A male friend she has in college was remarking that another fellow they know now has a girlfriend. He said, “Whoa, having a significant other adds like 3-4 credit hours to your schedule. I just can’t handle that right now.” I had to die laughing at breaking down a romantic life into credit hours!

    I am sure there are female equivalents, but Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, some fellow from Apple have all said they didn’t have a date in high school OR college. All have lovely spouses and quite amazing lives now.

    Another thing to pass on – my 35th high school reunion is this month. When I look at the list of who has signed up to attend I think to myself, “Who ARE these people?” I even look them up in my yearbook and have absolutely NO recollection of many of them. High school is such a small (and sometimes painful) part of life. Plan some wonderful outing for you and your D on prom night. In the end, she will probably have a lot more fun doing that!
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