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Moving Back Home After College...

AFireInside530AFireInside530 Posts: 114Registered User Junior Member
edited August 2009 in Parent Cafe
Hi Parents,

I kind of need some advice. I spent the last four years living away at school and I moved back home after college partially to save some money and then to study for the LSAT/GRE. When I was a senior in college, I couldnt wait to move back home because home for me was NYC and I always enjoyed living in the city.

However, after living at home for the past year, I have had to deal with many many problems. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and hes going to be out of work and my mom still treats me like a kid from HS. She does not give me enough freedom and she is constantly nagging me about everything from my job to my girlfriend.

I feel that I can't move out yet because NYC is too expensive, but I also feel like I can't live at home anymore.

What advice would you give to me, and other students, who have to move back home after college? Is dealing with these types of issues normal for someone my age?
Post edited by AFireInside530 on
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Replies to: Moving Back Home After College...

  • spdfspdf Posts: 955Registered User Member
    IMHO, you're trying to live the life of an independent, responsible adult without burdening yourself with the responsibilities of independent adult life.

    Find a roommate (or two or three or however many it takes to make the place affordable), and get your own place. I know that's not what you want to do -- welcome to responsible, independent adult life! :-)
  • oldfortoldfort Posts: 16,940Registered User Senior Member
    Get a job and move out. There are outer boroughs. If you want the convenience of living in NYC then unfortunately you will put up with people who are paying. Maybbe the situTion will become unbearable you'll want to move out.
  • atomomatomom Posts: 3,449Registered User Senior Member
    What you're feeling is normal, but try to look at things from your parents' point of view.

    Go hug your parents and thank them for giving you a free place to stay. And apologize if necessary. Be grateful. This isn't easy for them, either. If they supported you while you were away at school those 4 years, thank them for that, too.

    All you can do is save your $$ and make plans to move out if you don't like the atmosphere at home. Are you in grad school now? Working full time?

    P.S. Maybe your mom wouldn't nag so much if you would voluntarily wash the dishes, clean the bathroom, do laundry, cook a meal, etc.--see something that needs to be done and do it without being told. Make yourself useful around the house to earn your keep. "A helpful guest is a welcome guest."
  • AllThisIsNewToMeAllThisIsNewToMe Posts: 2,031Registered User Senior Member
    +1 atomom

    10char
  • worried_momworried_mom Posts: 2,205Registered User Senior Member
    Take the focus off yourself for a minute and think about your mom's situation. She's probably stressed to the max already from having to deal with your dad's illness and the loss of his income. Having to take care of you too just adds to her burden. So how much are YOU doing to help her out? What are YOU contributing to the household? Do you do your own laundry, help clean the house, run errands for her, give her a rest from taking care of your dad, etc.? Are you at least paying some token "rent" to your parents to cover the extra food, electricity, etc. that you consume?

    If you are unhappy with the current situation at home, then do both yourself and your parents a favor and just move out. Find some roommates, move to the Bronx, whatever it takes to make it affordable. Then you will truly be treated as an adult and you can set your own rules and avoid your mom's "nagging."
  • DougBetsyDougBetsy Posts: 5,828Registered User Senior Member
    spdf wrote:
    IMHO, you're trying to live the life of an independent, responsible adult without burdening yourself with the responsibilities of independent adult life.

    Find a roommate (or two or three or however many it takes to make the place affordable), and get your own place. I know that's not what you want to do -- welcome to responsible, independent adult life! :-)
    If you are unhappy with the current situation at home, then do both yourself and your parents a favor and just move out. Find some roommates, move to the Bronx, whatever it takes to make it affordable. Then you will truly be treated as an adult and you can set your own rules and avoid your mom's "nagging."

    My thoughts exactly. You're a college-educated adult. Man-up.
  • HelenbackHelenback Posts: 488Registered User Junior Member
    Understand that it's a tough transition even without serious illness and job loss involved. This is what I told my ds this summer when he was home from freshman year.

    "I know that you had complete freedom at college, and I respect that you made good decisions. If I ask you to restrict your activities, it isn't because I don't trust you. It is because this is not a dorm, it's a home, and we are not roomates, we are a family. You got to have 9 months of nocturnal fun, and you need to keep in mind that from now on, most of your nocturnal fun needs to happen at college. Home is a place to come to relax and recharge your batteries, and while I want you to enjoy being here, I do not want you or anyone else wandering in and out all night."

    I try to recognize that things have changed, that my s is no longer a high school student and I shouldn't be treating him like one, but it's a lot harder than you think. Is it possible your mom hassles you because she doesn't want you to get too comfortable? Maybe she's making the point that you're under her thumb so that you'll be sufficiently motivated to move out when the opportunity presents itself. I know the job market is brutal, but it won't be forever.

    I'll give you this example for perspective:

    My in-laws have a beautiful vacation home. It's on an amazing beach, in a wonderful beach town. I could spend every weekend there in the summer, but they come with the house, and that makes it a lot less appealing. When I go there, I do things their way even though I'm 45, because it's their house. I only went once this summer. It's not worth it.

    My suggestion is this, offer to take on additional responsibilities and then after a time ask that you be treated more like a functional adult in the household rather than like a child.
  • thumper1thumper1 Posts: 36,403Registered User Senior Member
    Our home will always be open for our kids to come to live if necessary. However, they won't get it for free...they will have to contribute financially. That is what adults do. BUT the price will be modest so they can save if that is what they need to do.

    However...this IS our home. And we still live here too....and we both work and have things WE need to do. Having a kiddo come and go in the middle of the night, for example, would NOT work for us. We need to sleep all night long.

    Since our kids did cooking, cleaning and the like in college, they would be expected to do so in our home too. They would need to pitch in on household chores AND on personal things like keeping their rooms clean and doing laundry.

    If they felt those were unreasonable conditions for under the market rent, they could find housing elsewhere.

    I hope the OP is doing lots to support his household. If the dad is ill, the mom probably needs MORE support than if all were well. Consider doing the laundry and grocery shopping. Cook meals a couple times a week. Do some whole house chores like vacuuming, and cleaning. Your parents need your help now...try to understand that.
  • mousegraymousegray Posts: 1,642Registered User Senior Member
    Although our home will always be open to our children anytime they need to come back, I sure hope they don't! Our S lived at home through college and for a few months afterwards. He gradually became more and more mature but it was only when he moved out on his own that he truly became a "man". Living at home is infantilizing. You will not really overcome the old patterns and neither will your mother until you are truly independent.

    BTW, we are also in NYC and S is living on his own, with a roommate. It CAN be done if you want it bad enough, but you have to be willing to give up some creature comforts. You can't have it both ways.
  • HImomHImom Posts: 18,172Registered User Senior Member
    LA is pretty pricey but folks manage there too (including my kids). They just economize & take on room mates & live within their means--it can be done including sharing a room in a home or whatever it takes.

    Do consider that you have this very important opportunity to HELP your mom & dad at this key point in their lives. Do you really want to give that up? Could you help them more if you live at home, help with chores & contribute financially or move out & live on your own with all that entails? Cancer is really a tough beast and no one knows how long they have once they've been diagnosed. Make a choice you will be happy with.
  • ellemenopeellemenope Posts: 11,380Registered User Senior Member
    >>Do consider that you have this very important opportunity to HELP your mom & dad at this key point in their lives. <<

    EXACTLY!
  • Alix2012Alix2012 Posts: 1,246- Senior Member
    I'm 18 and I pay my own NYC rent, which I split with a roommate. I have money saved up from past jobs, plus I work every summer, and a have a part-time job during the year. There are lots of affordable places in the city - look to Queens, the Bronx, and affordable parts of Brooklyn and Manhattan (Morningside Heights, Washington Heights, etc). It's no Park Ave mansion but a 1-bedroom is good enough. :)

    I'm a part-time nanny and many families want live-in nannies who get room/board and a weekly stipend in exchange for working a specific number of hours a week. Look into that as well.

    If you want to be treated like an adult, act like one. Get a job and move out. A 20something with a Bachelor's degree should be able to pay rent - many students in my NYC college live off-campus and pay our own rents.

    remember your parents are going through a rough time so even when you're not living with them, it would be nice to help out. good luck with finding a job!
  • maritemarite Posts: 21,586Registered User Senior Member
    I second Post 12.
    Nowhere do I see the OP saying that he's doing anything to contribute to the household expenses or to the household chores or helping care for Dad.
    The OP is all about me, me me, my job and my girlfriend, and how stressful it is to be living with dad who's got cancer and is going to lose his job and income and mom who is trying to cope with it all. Even moving back with mom and dad seemed to be for the sake of living in NYC as opposed to wanting to be close to mom and dad.
    Shaking my head....
  • spideygirlspideygirl Posts: 3,352Registered User Senior Member
    Good advice here.

    Additionally, when you aren't home being a thoughtful person and helping out, spend a lot of time not in the house. If you were sharing a cramped NYC apartment with a friend, you would not be able to be in it a lot. You would need to get out. Study at the library or a coffee shop. Hang at your girlfriend's house. Leave early and come home late. Just make sure you follow the rules, and let your parents know where you are (check in - it is the thoughtful thing to do and it's what adults do by nature).

    Give your parents some quality time at least once a week, and really be present. Take the initiative to share some of yourself (what is going on in your head), and politely communicate with your mom your feelings about your relationship with her. Work on it - she deserves honesty and a spirit of compromise.

    With some easy changes you can make this work, save a lot of money, and do the right thing by your parents in the process.
  • AFireInside530AFireInside530 Posts: 114Registered User Junior Member
    Good advice from all replies.

    I do my own laundry, I do pay rent to my parents and we are going to lose my dad's income when he goes for surgery in december. He will be out of work for around 3-6 months.

    I do respect my parents and I do appreciate them. I just need more freedom. I want to be able to invite friends over late at night and have them stay over. I dont mind paying bills either because it means I will get more responsibility. I just know that staying at home makes me feel like I am wasting some of my best years living with my parents.

    Spideygirl,

    I am rarely home these days. I practically go out all weekend and come back home only to eat and maybe sleep. Its quite aggravating however to be traveling alot and then always have to come back home late at night just to have a place to sleep.
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