soozievt

In my view, he already stuck with it for a full year and apparently doesn't like it enough to continue with it. I understand the point, however, that you think he may enjoy it more now that he is getting more proficient at it and you could discuss that with him or have him talk to other kids who are instrumentalists about that.

However, I feel that playing an instrument is an EC endeavor and that EC activities should be ones that a kid CHOOSES and WANTS to do (unless they are very young and you are exposing them to possibilities). I can't see making him stay in band if he really does not like it. Further, he already is taking lessons on another instrument. Perhaps as he improves at guitar, he might form a rock band with friends or see if the jazz band at school will take a guitarist.

The other issue is that in your son's case, he is already involved in other worthwhile ECs. It is not as if he were to drop band, that he'd be sittin' around the house. I found that when my kids got to 7th or 8th grade, the commitment to each activity started to increase and they sometimes had to pick and choose at that point which ones to stick with. Perhaps your son is choosing now to stick with theater, guitar, his three seasons of sports, and his occasional acting/modeling gigs. This really is the age when they start to choose, after being exposed to several activities up until that point. He truly has plenty. He need not be in both sports and band, and he is already playing an instrument (guitar) anyway with lessons.

Admittedly, I have never pushed either of my kids to do certain activities. They chose the activities and if anything, pushed us to let them do them all. I honestly am not into pushing kids with ECs. These are things they should want to do as they are optional things in the first place (unlike like academics). The only exception I can see to that is that some parents have faced kids who really aren't doing anything with their time outside the classroom and are not motivated to do so or not that interested and in those cases (which I admit to not having been in myself), I could see a parent insisting that a kid get involved in some type of committed activity of their choosing with guidance. But your son is not in that situation at all. He is CHOOSING the activities now, as an 8th grader, that he wants to commit his time to the most.

By the way, your son is finally old enough for you to be posting here as a parent!! Welcome to this side of it.

zoosermom

Every time I've ever let my kids quit something that they had wanted to do in the first place, they were upset with me later on for not helping them through the rough times so they could have been really good. It's always been "if you didn't let me quit when I got lazy, I could have ___________ now." Is there anything he could regret later, like a special band trip or performance, or other perks that make sticking with it worthwhile? If you don't continue, then you won't get to ___________ kind of thing?

momofthreeboys

When our sons reached the "band age" we told them they could participate but that they needed to make the commitment through 8th grade. If they were not willing to make that commitment then we suggested they not play an instrument. Two of mine took the challenge and both enjoyed it, but quit when they reached high school as along the way they had other greater interests and the high school program at our school blocks out an inordinate amount of time. The third, decided that he could not make that commitment and had already launched into passions that he felt stronger about. The two that started on an instrument do not regret the years they held to the agreement and understood that the expense of the instrument and time was a commitment so that aspect in itself was a good lesson. It was a bittersweet experience for me when they gave it up (I studied music and play several instruments along with piano) but I also understand that the passion builds or it doesn't and it serves no purpose to "force" kids into an EC for which they have no heart or soul especially once they hit 14 or 15 years of age.

sunnyholiday

I have a slightly different perspective than some of the other posters regarding instrumental music.

I would say that with choir or chorus, yes you can drop out one year and then pick it back up in a later year. With band, dropping out "usually" means you won't come back in later. Not saying it can't be done, but there are reasons why it almost never happens, so I wouldn't count on that as an option.

And with piano. Yes, you can learn some piano as an adult. However, to be a fairly serious pianist, you must begin young and keep going for a number of years. I actually think with piano it's neurological--don't get me started.

My point for even mentioning this is that there is a lot of truth in the OP's original observation about the investment of time required for competency to develop in instrumental music. You can probably see this with your son's guitar. Only you can determine whether your son really dislikes playing the sax, and being in band, or just needs a little prodding to keep going.

None of this is to say that he should be required to continue band. Just part of the pondering process.

Sally_Rubenstone

Thanks for all the feedback.

I should have explained that my son doesn't actually hate band and isn't begging to quit ... he just said last week (before school started) that he wished that he wasn't in it, and he makes jokes about hiding (or losing!) his saxophone.

The rationale for making him stay is that we feel that, if he is able to reach a somewhat higher level of proficiency, he may begin to enjoy the sax more. Of course, there are plenty of good reasons to allow him to bail, too ... especially because this is going to turn into something of an in-school AND after-school venture this year. Last year it was primarily during school hours only.

I'll always remember a "Dear Abby" column I read many years ago (back when I still had time to indulge my Abby addiction). Abby had asked adults if they were glad that their parents had forced them to stick with music lessons ... somewhat akin to my own query this morning.

For days, Abby published the results, and I would estimate that they were equally divided into two camps. The first group said, "Thank God my parents pushed me. I love playing now and wouldn't have ever learned if I hadn't been brow-beaten." But the other group claimed, "I grew to hate music because it was forced on me."

So we're still on the fence about the sax for now and will play it by ear ... so to speak. As the semester rolls on, we'll see if the complaints increase or decline. (Also, as the teen hormones kick in, there may be other reasons, besides the music, that will keep my son in tune with band practice )

Northstarmom

If he doesn't hate it and isn't asking to leave, I'd just chalk up his comments to teen venting, and I wouldn't take further action. Sometimes teens and even adults complain about things that they really enjoy. They may do this to try to emphasize that they're participating in something that's challenging.

oldfort

Younger kids do a lot of activities, and they are usually for 1 hour a week. As they get older, each EC's demand gets higher. At some point each kid needs to decide which EC he is going to focus on. At my daughter's ballet school, 10-12 is when they lose most of their dancers. Your son appears to be quite over scheduled already. Does he like his other ECs? I would have a discussion with him about what he likes or dislike of his ECs and then go from there.

I am not one to pull my kids out the minute they complain about their activities. To be good at anything it takes a lot of hard work. There is not one kid out that doesn't get discouraged when they hit a road block. My kids have complained about playing violin, piano and ballet. It's usually when they are at a point when they are ready to move up to the next plateau - they couldn't master a certain movement or their fingers are not able to hit certain keys or rhythm. There has been many tears shed over "I just can't do this." I don't usually encourage them to quit then, I like them to work it through. D2 quit violin after 7 years of playing because she wanted to focus more on piano. I made D1 take weekly piano lessons until she graduated from high school. I never made her practice or compete. I thought it was important for her to have some sort of music training, part of her overall education.

I have many friends (relatives too) who never "pushed" their kids to do anything. Their kids were just as happy to sit home after school to watch Oprah or play video games. Taking college process aside, it is a shame not to expose one's kids to music, sports, art, language at an age when they are best able to learn. Learning a language or a new musical instrument as an adult is just not as easy. It is a balancing act between what's too little and what's too much. But more often than not, I see too many parents and kids giving up with a first sign of obstacle.

soozievt

Well, I can see somewhat being on the fence then as he is not begging to quit. And as I wrote before, there is truth to your feeling that he may enjoy it more now that he'll be more proficient at it than last year. So, I could see encouraging him to wait and see a little longer before dropping it. Then again, the requirement for outside practice time is gonna increase and you have the after school schedule conflicts with sports. I gather he is only doing sax in band but without lessons? When my kids were in band all those years, they also were in private lessons on their band instrument (as well as taking piano lessons). I don't know if you can fit this in but lessons on the sax might also help (our band instrument private lessons were during the school day). In any case, I don't know if your school has jazz band or if they ever have a guitar player in it but that may be an option for him either this year or in high school. Another option if he plays guitar is to also pick up bass and see if he can be in jazz band on that instrument. It is a lot of work to study two instruments (my kids did all the way through school) and so again, the fact that your son is studying guitar has him have a foot in music even if he gives up sax and band.

soozievt

oldfort, while I agree with much that you wrote, I think the situation with Sally's son is not the same as letting a kid quit and he sits on the couch. Her son is already very involved in ECs and even on another instrument as well. At around 8th grade, my experience is that the commitments per activity ratchet up in hours and sometimes, kids have to start picking and choosing. Perhaps Sally's son is simply picking. Then again, it is a little fuzzy in his case as he is not begging to quit and so it may be worth his sticking to it a little longer before making his decision and then decide prior to ninth grade if he wants to stay in band or not.

oldfort

No, what I wrote about kids quiting too early sometimes is not directed at Sally's son. It was more of a general statement of what I have observed with parents/kids around me. I think Sally's challenge maybe trying to decide which EC to eliminate for her son.

soozievt

Oldfort, thanks for clarification. I do agree that there are kids who are not involved in anything, which is not good. Sorry to have mixed up what you wrote with Sally's son's situation.

Youdon'tsay

The only thing we forced our kids to do when they were little was to play a sport. We didn't care which one or ones, team or solo, but we wanted them active. Ds1 played two for years and settled on one in middle school and still plays in HS; ds2 played three all through elementary; he dropped one and picked up two more in middle school! In HS, ds2 will play two.

We've had two different experiences with the two different kids when it comes to dropping activities.

Ds1 was in Scouts beginning in first or second grade. By the time eighth grade rolled around, Scouts was taking a back seat to everything else. His dad and I finally sat down with him and said, "Look, it won't hurt our feelings if you quit Scouts. It's constantly on the losing end of all your activities, and it's not fair to your patrol and troop to consistently put them last." Well, he didn't quit (which, truthfully, would have been my first choice!). Instead he totally recommitted to Scouts and last spring became an Eagle. I'm now so glad he didn't quit.

Ds2 wanted to be in band in sixth grade so we happily said OK, but he said very early on that he didn't want to do marching band in HS. I thought he'd change his mind. We went to the night where the middle school band members shadow the HS band, and he loved it but still said he didn't want to do HS band. So I told him that if this wasn't going to be a long-term commitment that he should just quit after seventh grade so that he could take lots of cool electives in eighth grade rather than continue to spend two periods on band when it's something that he doesn't see himself continuing to do. He did drop it. I kind of regret it because I think he would have loved HS band. He kind of regrets it now, too. I even gave him the option just two weeks ago of joining the band. (A band mom reassured me that the band director, who I know and love, would welcome him with open arms). He was first chair at one point but now thinks he'd be too rusty. I have a feeling if I really push it he'd do it, but I want him to own his choices, so I won't.

I say it sounds like your ds has lots of other stuff going on, but only you can judge whether he's just grousing a little or is truly miserable. It doesn't sound like he's miserable. I'd let it ride a bit and see how the semester goes along.

mythmom

Would not force, but would delicately nudge. Your son doesn't seem as if he even wants to quit. He just wants to complain. So let him.

He may even want you to be the cheering section for the sax.

Charlie Parker, anyone?

If, and when, the time comes that he really wants to quit, then I agree with most other posters to allow it.

Music is to enhance life.

An alternate suggestion at that time is to join chorus. No outside of school practice is usually required.

FWIW: I tried unsuccessfully to get my S to play a sport, any sport. He's a junior in college. That ship has sailed. He's slim, fit and fine. Still, sports have many positive results. He is also at a school that some consider a jock school and is still comfortable with his sports boycott. He does play three instruments, plays in the school orchestra and sings in the chorus.

JustAMomOf4

This is an age old parenting question with no easy one-size-fits all answers.

When/if to allow a child to quit is often not an easy question. Personally, I don't think parents should make it easy to quit. Kids are notorious whiners. Some will whine about everything, even if they enjoy it.
There are many factors to look at - is he just whining? have all his friends quit band? it's early in the year, could it get better?
These are questions (and others) that you and he will have to answer.
There are many reasons to continue - it does build character. Learning not to quit, being a part of a "team" and working on improvement are all great skills to have.

Maybe you should go to the high school forum and ask if anyone quit activities that they wish their parents had encouraged them to continue.

TheDad

SR's son in middle school? Grrrrk. Time is not passing that fast, it's not, it's not, I won't hear of it, it's not.