jdplus3

A co-worker who retired about 6 months ago was just diagnosed with a inoperable brain tumor. The doctor gave her 1 year to live. The human resource office is providing cards for people who would like to send her a note. I want to send one, but I really have no idea what to say. Can someone help me find something more than "I am thinking of you"?

yesshecan

Find a blank card and say something meaningful, there is no right thing, just acknowledge that this must be a hard time, and that you are thinking of them(and their family). If you are close enough offer some support re meals, driving, hanging out, help with chores or shopping; if not prayers(if you are a praying kind of person) are always a good thing. No one really knows when their end point is. A terminal diagnosis just puts it more in front of you. As Bob Dylan said 'He who isn't being born is busy dying' .
BTW I am hanging in there with a Stage IV cancer, so I am speaking from the other side of this.

Northstarmom

Let her know that she's in your thoughts and prayers (if you're a praying person). If she has touched your life in any good special way -- even if the ways are small -- also let her know about that even if it was something like how her smile, laugh or presence provided cheer to you on a bleak day. It's a comfort to most people to know that their life has been meaningful to someone else.

I wrote this kind of note to one of my friends who was dying, and her husband told me that it meant so much to her that she asked him to repeatedly read it to her.

missypie

Yesshecan, would you care to tell us what NOT to say? Lots of people say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing.

dmd77

"What would you like me to do? I can cook a meal once a week, or take you out to dinner once every two weeks, or come and clean the toilet on Tuesdays."

Delicate Arch

Tell her that you were saddened to hear of her diagnosis. Let her know that although you don't know what she is going through right now that she is in your thoughts.

Depending on how well you know her offer something specific - e.g., I go by the Farmer's Market (or bake bread, or run to Target) every X and would like to drop a few things off for you the next time I go. The ask if that would be OK? This strategy allows you a venue for touching base with her and supporting her without the burden of her having to entertain you.

dstark

yesshecan, good luck to you.

mommusic

I have more experience with this now than when I was younger. I guess I know a lot more "older" people now but it seems every time I turn around someone else has been diagnosed with a terminal or potentially terminal disease.

You're not gone until you're gone, so I would focus on being helpful and positive. In my experience, short-term terminal people don't sit around crying "woe is me" any more than long-term terminal people (that's most of the rest of us. As far as I know.)

Look at Ted Kennedy, Patrick Swayze, or my friends S___, J___, and R___. The idea is to keep on living as full a life as possible until the end. Friends can help in so many ways, as enumerated above by other posters.

owlice

How about "Let's go to dinner and a movie, my treat; how's next Friday night? I'd love to see you."?

Northstarmom

"How about "Let's go to dinner and a movie, my treat; how's next Friday night? I'd love to see you."?"

Good idea. She's not dead yet. If she has been a friend of yours, she probably would be happy to see you. The fact that she has let your company know of her illness and prognosis indicates that she would be interested in hearing from and seeing people from your firm.

Then, when you go out, be open to whatever she wants to talk about. She may or may not want to talk about her disease. If she does, she may be very willing to talk about the fact that she's expected to die soon, and she may be comfortable using the word "die."

One of the nicest dinners I ever had was with my younger S, who then was 16, and my best friend, who had recently been diagnosed with the lung cancer that would kill her less than 2 years later.

We talked about lots of things -- from current events to old memories to her feelings about death and illness. We also laughed. It is a memory that I'll always treasure.

"just"aMom

I saved all the cards and letters written to my mom when she was diagnosed with brain cancer. The ones that meant the most to her were the ones recounting stories...as in "remember when" and especially those that had a humorous bent. Rereading them it's amazing how maudlin some were.

Like Northstarmom, a very good friend of my mom came all the way from Australia to visit. She said she wanted to see her alive and while she was still alert and aware. We (friend, mom, my D and I) went to Cheesecake Factory, sat on the patio by the ocean (So Cal), ate, laughed, and celebrated the 40 year friendship of these 2 women. At one point the server came over and asked if we were celebrating a milestone birthday because we seemed to be having "a great time" - My mom looked at her and said, "no birthday dear, I'm dying, that's all." We all chimed in that THIS was how we wanted to celebrate my mother's life, and the server threw her arms around my mom and said "I wish my mom had been like you!" - Later the server and what seemed to be every worker in the place brought 4 desserts to the table and sang "Happy Trails to You" - I think this gathering helped my D deal with her grandmother's death better than anything.

You know your coworker, do what you feel is right, write what is in your heart (but please, PLEASE, don't be maudlin), and don't just offer...DO take her out, or bring a meal to share right then and there.

aibarr

*chills*. Wow. That is a *fantastic* story, and I'm having a hard time expressing how heartwarming that is for me, and how much it reminds me of what my own grandmother would have wanted. I hope I end up with the grace and love of life that your mom had, that the server had, that you all had. (And what presence of mind--"Happy Trails" is just the perfect song.)

"just"aMom

aibarr - after our lunch, I had sent an e-mail to our family (spread out worldwide) and every single one expressed something similar to your sentiment.

Thank you.

Helenback

Perfect Owlice! My friend who is dying wants more than anything to just go out and have a nice time when she's feeling up to it. When she was very ill, I'd send her the silliest cards I could find. She doesn't need me to make her cry; she needs me to make her laugh.

thecheckbook

I refer to a book titled, "How to Say It" by Roslie Maggio. It helps me sometimes but quite frankly the suggestions you have been given are far better.