missypie

That's awesome. Even if you never meet the people on the hotline, you know you are helping.

whatever4

Both my parents lived "small lives," but they had huge wakes and funerals, mainly because they were relatively young when they died and they had lived in their community all their lives. Also they had gone to lots of wakes and funerals in the community while they were alive, and they had large families that lived nearby.

In contrast, my in-laws have lived "bigger lives" and have lived their whole lives in the same community, but all of their siblings and most of their peers have already passed away. I am guessing that when they die -- in their 90s or later, hopefully -- their funerals will be smaller than my parents' because fewer of the people whose lives they were an active presence in will still be around.

My advice: If you want a big funeral, die young; die where you have lived most of your life; and while you are alive, go to lots of other local families' weddings, wakes, visitations, and funerals.

missypie

That's the truth. Our choir sang at Greer Garson's memorial service and the church was only about half full. Sure she was an Academy Award winner, but she was in her 90s when she passed on, so her Hollywood buds were mosly long gone.

atomom

In addition to putting back shopping carts, I'd like to have it mentioned that I was a very considerate driver. I always let in merging traffic. (It is possible that this may also be listed as my cause of death.)

The hard thing about maintaining friendships after multiple moves is that, while you are alone and not "connected" in your new place, your old friends are going on as a group together and don't really need your friendship anymore. You might have left a small hole in the group, but after awhile, that is hardly noticeable. Also, there are those who just don't like to keep in touch with people who are out of sight/long distance. It hurts to realize (and makes one feel sort of desperate and pathetic) that your friendship was disposable. These folks, who were the dearest friends I had in various places, will surely not come to my funeral. They will never call or email or even wonder where I went. Sad, but true.

mimk6

We gave my MIL an 80th birthday party in September with 107 people present. I don't really think I know 107 people who would show up to a party for me. I agree -- she hasn't stopped talking about that party since it happened. It made her so happy. I'm sure she'd choose that any day over a large attendance at her funeral when she's not there to enjoy it. I think my MIL probably has a larger life than I do that way, but it's because she's extremely social and in a number of clubs, etc.

missypie

Will Rogers said (about Trotsky), "I bet you if I had met him and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like." I do think there are people who really are "people persons" who genuinely like everyone. I'm probably much too critical ... I'd prefer solitude to the company of some people.

mantori.suzuki

I don't remember who said, "A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company." Great observation.

My only hope in death is to have made the world better by being kind, and by teaching my children to be kind. They can dump my body in the sewer for all I care.

Puzzled88

I was really startled to read the OP as I've been thinking about this very question a lot recently. I've attended about 8 funerals in the past two or three years and each one has been very heavily attended. After the last one, two weeks ago, I remarked to a friend that my funeral could be held in my walk-in closet, and it's a very small closet. Like the OP, I'm puzzled by how my life turned out this way. I'm actually very friendly but I've moved around internationally for much of my life and now that my kids have fled, I'm not connected primarily through the schools as I was for 20-plus years. I find it a little bit embarrassing actually to think how few people might attend my funeral.

owlice

Sooooooo environmentally unfriendly, mantori!

bugmom

I too live a small life, practice law, but have worked from home for over a decade. I have clients and other lawyer relationships that I have had for decades, but I don't think any would show up at the funeral. With the kids leaving I am seeing those "friendships" that were based on soccer games or other school events just drifting away. I have never made friends easily. My H and I used to joke long before we had kids that we were a pair of hermits and it still seems that way. I am at that point where I am thinking about the next phase of life and whether and how to make it more meaningful. I could easily just drift along like I am for another 5 or 10 years. But we had kids after 12 years of marriage because we thought there had to be more meaning in life than just traveling and raising a dog. Now I feel like I am back thinking about this again.

missypie

This thread could probably go hand in hand with the empty nest thread...a lot of us are at or nearing the same place. As long as you have kids at home, you can tell yourself that by raising them "right" you are making the world a better place. Then what?

I do think that a few people I've known (mostly men) who have had large lives would admit that they neglected their families while on the path to achieving greatness, serving others, etc. If given the gift of years, some of them turn into terrific grandfathers although they were not terrific fathers. Billy Graham really regrets leaving the raising of his kids almost entirely to his wife...depending on your religion, you might see him as one of the best guys ever, with a huge scope of influence, but he regrets not being there for his kids.

worknprogress

You are probably right about the empty nest - but I think it might be deeper than that. I think it has to do with facing our own mortality and wondering just what our lives have meant. Personally, while my nest has been empty now for a couple of years, I think the death of some very close friends has led me to greater introspection about the kind of person I have been.

Meanwhile, while my nest may no longer contain little ones, I have become the "go-to" person for five senior citizens. Maybe what I do for them will never appear in an obituary, but when I see their gratitude when I accompany them on a doctor's visit I know how much it means to them.

But I appreciate the thread - large life or small? How do you really judge?

poetgrl

In some ways, I think Victor Frankl's work really addressed this--Man's Search for Meaning. Interestingly, the new positive psychology field and all the new research really indicates that the most important element for a "happy" life is a meaningful life.

I find missypie's connection between the empty nest and the big-life::small life question interesting. My grandmother did an incredible amount of good after her children were off. She always said she'd had a whole entire life after her kid's left, and she really did....she went to law school and became a public defender and ended up working with women who couldn't afford attorney's for a large portion of the time she was practicing.

Of course, that's not a luxury everyone has. But, she used to say that if she'd died before her kids left home, she would have had a very different obituary.

It's never too late to have yet another big life on top of the one's we've all already had.

missypie

Through the years my parents have sort of adopted some of the older/less mobile church members - they bring them to church, etc. One of their male "charges" developed a romantic relationship at a very advanced age, got viagra, and then had a fatal heart attack! I guess life never stops being interesting!

missypie

This is assigned reading at our HS...I guess I need to find one of my kids' copies.