TheGFG

I agree, worknprogress. I think the posts on this page reflect a bothersome tendency in our culture: we love our freedom to think, do, and speak as we see fit, but we're becoming less tolerant of those who don't adhere to our own world view. In addition to the general polarization that's happening, maybe what we're experiencing is due to the natural solidifying of personality as we age. After all, most of us are probably in our late 40's or our 50's.

But yeah, so many acquaintances have become a little weird. I don't care if someone homeschools, sends their child to public school, to a religious private, or a secular private. I really don't care. I figure those parents are making a decision based on their finances, values, and needs of their child. What's right for one kid, is not right for another. But my homeschooling friends and religious private school friends are all starting to be a little bothered by the fact that some people can "stand" to keep their kids in public school--people like me. It offends them somehow, even though I've been very supportive of their decision and do understand their rationale. But now I can't carry on a conversation with one gal without hearing a diatribe about how bad the public school was, why she decided to homeschool, and how perfect homeschooling has been (she's even considering homeschooling for college.) Politics are also dividing people--even families. Intelligent and well-intentioned folks are found on both sides of the aisle, and I'm not sure what happens that people forget that. I'm Republican, but was happy when Obama was elected. Most of my friends are Democrats, and I don't care. But in recent years they've started to get a little pushy about it and my nonchalence irritates them further. They'll say the most insulting thing about a public figure (think GW), they'll send me political e-mails, and wait for me to flip out. Only I don't. And don't get me going on the militant animal people who can't seem to understand that not everyone wants a pet. And those of us that don't (could be allergies!) probably don't want their pet shedding in our homes. And here's a new one. There are some really militant anti-vaccination people out there too. It's hard for me to stomach them when they imply that my D is special needs because I let her be vaccinated.

I'm sure those on the opposite side from me can tell similar stories about folks of my ilk. It's a real problem in our society. What happened to live and let live? What happened to an understanding that one needs to tread lightly when discussing poltiics and religion? I feel that people give one another a litmus test these days when they first meet, and very quickly dismiss anyone who "fails" in any important category.

TheGFG

PS: All of you seem to be thinking people. You probably wouldn't have responded to this topic if you weren't! But thinking people often find themselves being that one small voice, the one person who goes a different direction when those around are running the other way like lemmings, the parent who makes purposeful and thoughtful decisions for his/her children. This can cause isolation. For example, years ago my D was friendly with some girls whose parents were a clique. They were a nice clique, not a snotty exclusive one, but they all would put their kids in the same activities and summer camps--even the same weeks of those camps. The kids would do everything together. This offered comforts for both kids and parents, such as carpooling, and always having ready friends wherever they were spending the day. But I just didn't see why you'd send a kid who doesn't like sports to sports camp just because all his friends are going, when he'd be happier at music camp. So D and I did our own thing. It paid off as far as EC success for D, but not relationally for me.

missypie

Is anyone on this thread living in a very small town? I was just thinking of Mayberry...I guess Barney Fife was Andy's best friend, even though Barney was very irritating. Gomer, Goober, Floyd, Miss Clara had comically exagerated tendencies that were also irritating. Yet Andy accepted and enjoyed them all. Did he and Helen ever sit in the porch swing and reflect on the fact all of their friends - in fact, everyone in town - was irritating and why the heck were they friends with them?

I have a point here. Andy was profoundly tolerant, I guess because his only choices were (a) to be tolerant, (b) have no friends, or (c) move away. Am I less tolerant - less willing to hear our former best friends talk about George Bush's godly nature - because I live in a large metropolitan area and think there's got to be someone else to be friends with? Have I become less tolerant or have they become more irritating?

TheGFG

People who live in metropolitan areas can be busier and more stressed. Therefore, in order to survive and stay sane, they have to streamline their lives. Why put up with annoying people when there are millions more out there to meet? I'd say it's the latter, missypie.

PS I'm glad no one I know around here is quite THAT pro-Bush, lol.

mathmom

I'm a joiner, so my life is fairly large. I've been involved in the PTA (no longer on any committees though!), I'm a past president of the local art association, I belong to a cooperative gallery, I'm somewhat involved in local politics, I'm secretary of our neighborhood association and I try to go to "Ladies Night Out" that a friend of mine organized for one night a month. We also belong to a religious organization, because I find the people who go nice, but rather boring. We have a couple of neighborhood families who love giving parties which helps with neighborhood cohesiveness. In fact I can't say enough nice things about our neighborhood, it's very diverse and full of people I really like who are doers not just complainers.

What I really miss is the close female friends I had in high school. I kept up with them for quite a while, but none of us live anywhere near each other. I wish I lived closer to my sisters-in-law, both of whom I like very much, or that my best friend in town weren't quite so darn busy, though we manage to be at the Y at the same time fairly often and catch up then.

I'm pretty good at thanking people, especially after getting chewed out about not be thoughtful enough many, many years ago!

Youdon'tsay

I like to think that I'm older and more discrminating in who I count among my friends. I used to be a pleaser in my teens and 20s. Now, not so much, so I just don't spend time with people I don't enjoy. I don't think it's that I'm being less tolerant; it's more that I don't feel compelled to put up with anyone's drama/politics/judgmentalness like I used to.

mousegray

missypie, I've had the exact same musings while sitting at a crowded funeral, except instead of becoming philosophical, my train of thought went more like this: 'Hmm, there sure are a lot of people here, I didn't know he had so many friends. I wonder if I would have this many people at my funeral? I better make some more friends right away or my funeral will be embarrassingly small, but wait, I'll be dead so I won't care. Scratch that thought.' (This was not at a funeral of a close friend.)

Anyway.. I wonder if the quality of life and friends might not be different in the city vs. small town like you say above. I spend a couple of months every year in a tiny town and the rest of the time in NYC. Practically every week, here in the city, I meet people who are thoughtful, interesting, and in my line of work. Most of the time I will have a single great conversation with them and go my way, but every once in a while these blossom into wonderful friendships. This happens often enough that now I have a fairly extensive circle of friends. However, in the small town? I hardly know anyone and certainly not anyone in my line of work. I've yet to meet anyone that I can 'relate' to enough to pursue friendships with them (and I have been going there for years). Sure, I have casual acquaintances, especially from when my kids were small, but no one that I would pick up the phone to call.

Another interesting thing about the small-large life conundrum: I work alone for months at a time with no feedback. I am completely solitary. Then, every year or so, my work goes public and suddenly everyone sees what I have been working on. My life becomes 'large' for a little while, then shrinks back into its usual small parameter.

Personally, I like the kind of small life that people are describing here. I think it is more likely to lead to contentment. There is no reason that small-lifers should try to go large, it's like trying to change your temperament! Many of you sound like introverts (you get your energy from the time spent alone), as am I.

My H, on the other hand, is in one of those helping professions. His funeral will be huge. (Mine will likely be too if I go first. Most of the people will be there for him!)

colmomto2

I live in a small town. We have one stoplight. When a mayoral candidate knocked on my door to solicit my vote, he asked me which church I went to. I was quite taken aback. He saw my discomfort and explained that he just wanted to see if we knew any of the same people. (I didn't vote for him, by the way, but he still won with 437 votes!)

That being said, I am a newcomer here and know only a few people in town. I chat with my neighbors on a regular basis and share a drink with them upon occasion - usually on my northern neighbor's porch. Most of my friends/acquaintances live in the "big" city 10 miles away. I know many more people there than here in my "Mayberry". I guess this would be because my children have always attended schools in the city. I was President of the School Advisory Council, chaperoned school field trips, was a cub scout/boy scout/brownies mom, was a baseball mom, and worked at the biggest employer in our area for many years. I think I'm very tolerant of others, but, then again, I have no qualms hiding away for stretches of time to recover my balance. I let everyone think they haven't seen me around in a while because I'm super busy. I do stay in touch by phone with several key folks who keep me in the loop when I've removed myself from the loop. Works for me, and helps me be more tolerant of others. I'm great at taking others in small doses.

TheGFG

A funny true story that just happened which illustrates my complete insignificance. My father-in-law called just now. Granted, this is a very rare occurence, because he lives in a poor country and phone calls are expensive for him. I greeted him in his language, and he said "Who's this?" I answered, after which he said hello but said my name incorrectly. Sigh.

All the rest of the phone calls today were auto-dialers for the election, lol.

missypie

I hear everyone about quality of friendships rather than quantity, but I don't feel like I have either. When my friend passed away last week, there must have been 20 people at his deathbed...family and "only the closest of friends." Other than immediate family, I can't think of a soul that I'd want at my deathbed and I can't think of a soul who would want to be at my deathbed.

fogfog

Your thread reminds me of my late FiLs funeral.

My late FiL grew up very very poor, the son of a sharecropper.
By age 5 he was helping in the fields. As he grew, he sold agricultural product and newspapers etc to buy a battery for the family's radio for example.
He didn't finish school, he had a GED.
He was shunned by the "old" money in the city.

When he died, his funeral was packed--the cathedral was full, including the Gov and several memebrs of the state legislature. People flew in from other nations.

He has served his state in the state government as an elected official, he had owned several businesses (and was a multi-millionaire), and he served in a very very large not for profit to benefit those that needed help the most. He also greatly impacted the state's higher educational system.

Thousands will be impacted by what he did, what he created and where he served. His legacey continues and most will never know his name.

He did it all because he loved people, and cared for those who needed help the most, those often overlooked and forgotten.

I remember reading about Forbes once--and talking with FiL (about 17 yrs ago)..about all the "accomplsihments" Forbes had and all of his hobbies and pursuits...because it seemed so impressive at the time...

My FiL looked at me and said that when he died,
he wanted his tombstone to read, "He did his best".

mousegray

fogfog, your father in law sounds very special.

1tgmom

Very small town here. Very small life. But trying very hard to not be a small person.

If I can succeed at that, the rest doesn't matter to me much.

Pharmagal

In this age of the Internet and harried lives, people can be involved in a great deal of charity work fairly silently without really "knowing" those recipients directly.

I don't care about the size of the group that shows up at any funeral...just the quality of legacy a person leaves behind.......... may it be by our charity work on line or simply by devoting ourselves to our family and raising wonderful children with a strong moral fiber that give back to our communities.

kelsmom

Mathmom, I also miss those close relationships that were built when I was younger. I still keep in touch with several close friends from college, but our lives have taken each of us in such different directions. It's not that I don't feel the same about them as I once did. It's just that time and circumstance have changed things. I have gained friends over time, but the relationships are not quite the same. One "new" friend is probably my closest friend in terms of being able to confide feelings and being able to run ideas past ... but I don't feel that "something" I had with my college friends. I am fortunate that I have a fantastic husband who is a great friend. But I do miss the female bonds that are still there but not-quite-there.