oldfort

D1 freshman year was always the person that picked up those sloppy girls. D1 had high tolerance for alcohol and she also didn't drink as much as others. She was appalled that some of those girls would leave their "best friend" or roommate behind, sometimes in some very inappropriate and dangerous situations.

Legally we are rnot esponsible for anyone, but ourselves. But do we really tell our kids that self gratification comes before welfare of other people? I think all the talks about "it's a Halloween party, the biggest party night, the daughter hasn't partied for 2 weeks due to illness" are just excuse of covering the daughter's selfish behavior. She was texted about her roommate, probably from the girl that was nice enough to bring the roommate back to her room. The roommate was no more the other girl's responsibility than OP's daughter, why did she have enough compassion to do the right thing.

D1 was very sick in school a few times. She depended on her dormmates(she had a single) and friends to get food and drinks for her. As I worried about her passing out in her room with no one around, she said there were so many people checking up on her that she wasn't able to get any rest.

When we leave home, without support of family and friends, we do depend on new friends we make. I think anyone who has moved around a lot understands what that means. Most of us get back as much as we put out.

UMDAD

Where in all of this was the RA or whatever they call the person in charge of the dorm floor at your D's college/university?

When my D was a Freshman Counselor, she got called out of parties/gatherings/etc. on a number of occassions to deal with one of her freshman that ended up drunk and spent a few nights at the University Health Service watching out for that person. Not a problem, that was part of her job and why she got a reduced R&B charge senior year. It also was a part of her (intensive) training.

Inthebiz

Sometimes it is hard for students, especially freshmen, to know what to do in these situations. They're used to parents being around to handle crises and they don't have the best judgment about assessing the severity of a situation vs. the consequences of getting caught drinking. It's all part of the learning experience.

I had a student several years ago whose roommate, fairly early in the freshman year, came back to their room drunk. The RM climbed up into her bunk and then fell off. My student asked her if she was ok. When the RM said she was fine, my student let her lay there. All night. Turns out the RM had a broken leg!

My student's defense was that the RM said she was ok and that she didn't want to get the RM in trouble for underage drinking. Sigh.

ignatius

Responsibility - no.

However, my daughter recently had an unexpected visit to the ER - high fever at the onset of swine flu. Her roommate drove her, stayed with her, and then drove to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions.

My son recently had an unexpected visit to the ER - swine flu complications. His two roommates drove him to the hospital at 2:30 in the morning, kept me in the loop, and waited with him until he was released at 5:30 a.m.

Roommates' responsiblity - no; perhaps just responsible roommates.

BTW, as a parent, I want to give a nod to these roommates who risked swine flu, changed plans or stayed up all night to help out my sick kid.

emeraldkity4

If my daughter had come to me and presented this situation, I might have said a few things like " what the &^%$ are you thinking about going out all night when you are still recovering from an illness & on medication?

I would also say, " treat others like you want to be treated".
You don't have to be joined at the hip with your roommate, but to have a friend- be a friend. You don't watch your friends get so wasted they have to be taken to the hospital- you don't ignore them when they are anyway.

If a roommate is so ill they need to be hospitalized , but there is the short term desire of attending a party, you have to make the choice of a long or short term goal being more important.
You can be entertained or you can build character by standing by someone in a difficult time.

I can see wishing that you made the choice to take care of your roommate after the fact, but I can't see any party being so gratifying that someone wished they had attended that instead.

I am not that familiar with pregaming, my daughter only drinks occasionally to be social, she is mystified in general by people who want to lose control that way-I think it helps that both she and her roommate took a year off to travel, and so have a different perspective than those who have gone from their parents house and being in high school, to being basically unsupervised and living with peers.

I would hope though that she would put her roommates well being ahead of her need for diversion and if she didn't, I would expect that she would spend some time identifying why she made that choice and would she do the same again.

ellebud

Ok. I'm finished with self editing. There are several problems here. One, the girl who got drunk. So, she was stupid. Enough said. She was sick. This may be a one time thing, or an ongoing problem. If it is the latter she needs help. If this was a one time thing, she probably won't do it again. Roommate was wrong to drink to excess. But what if she put in hand in the communal silverware containers and got sick? And then got sick again because she, stupidly, went to the communal silverware. Would your daughter be so over her being sick?

As for your daughter: To party the night away with the presumption that her roommate was being helped by others is simply appalling. Would you want to receive a call from your daughter saying that she was alone with a fever and there was no one to help her?

As a mother: I would be looking in a mirror hard. To think that I raised such a self centered brat would be heart wrenching. But then, I guess, with some introspection I would know where the brat came from: me. Because I obviously lacked the moral compass to teach my kid compassion and commitment to others. And, I guess I would also realize that I was one of those people for whom every problem is somebody else's fault. My child is perfect after all, no matter what she does. And fie on anyone who hurts/calls her out/or disses her for her behavior.

zoosermom

In my daughter's freshman year, she was hospitalized early on and her roommate was hospitalized in the spring for a life-threatening illness. Neither related to drinking, drugs or any behavior. When my daughter got sick, they barely knew each other, but her roommate stayed the night with her and kept in touch with us by phone. She was a gracious lady in every way and I was grateful. when it unfortunately became her time of difficulty, my daughter was there for her in the same way. That was the right thing to do. I'm a big believer in sending good vibes into the universe whenever possible becaise, among other reasons, you never know when you or yours might need some.

member

Under tort law one has absolutely no obligation to any other person, unless they have specific training which could help the person, though that is state law. So somebody could be dieing and unless you have specific training you have no obligation to do anything, including calling for help.

You daughter had more to loose than to gain in the situation. I am of the belief, "no good deed goes unpunished." Its best just to stay away. Taking a roommate to the hospital because they are generally sick is different than them needing a hospital because of their own devices.

momofthreeboys

I'm not as harsh as some of the previous posters or as blase, however I do think when your daughter got the text she should have gone to the hospital to support her roommate but that is me. Clearly as the OP can tell from the posts there are various attitudes regarding what being "roommates" means. The OPs daughter has put the proverbial "stake in the ground" regarding her perception of the dorm relationships and yes, there will be those that will criticize her decision. Perhaps she will experience some emotional growth through this episode.

zoosermom

Momofthreeboys is right. There are many ways of looking at this situation. Your D is not wrong, but she will be stuck with the consequences of her decision that night -- whatever they turn out to be.

Shrinkrap

"Freshman roommate" rules aside, where does "compassionate caring" end, and enabling co-dependency begin? I too grew up with a lot of substance abusers, so maybe it's MY issue, but still....If someone is responsible for rescuing, do they get to set some limits on the others behavior as well?

woody

Good lord! If your D decides to look out for her RM every time the girl has a drink, I think her schedule will be a booked this year - especially with a level of .23!! Remeber, another friend offered to take the RM home. Staff at the ER won't share info with parents - let alone RMs. I think D's presence would have just added to the drama, pumpkin smashing notwithstanding.
As far as the comparisons to the ill RMs, well, I think that is comparing apples and oranges. On the other hand, like I said earlier, it will be blown over by this weekend.
"Self-centered brat" oh come on, now....

roshke

If the OP is asking this question, then there is a good chance her D is, too. People, especially young people, make mistakes. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the values they were raised with. What is done is done at this point - the question is whether or not the OP's D (and the roommate, too - but that is another story) learned anything from this experience. She was not responsible for the roommate, but they were, from what I gather, good friends. I, personally, wouldn't have left to go off to a party in that situation. IMO an apology to all involved would not be out of line.

emeraldkity4

Freshman roommate" rules aside, where does "compassionate caring" end, and enabling co-dependency begin? I too grew up with a lot of substance abusers, so maybe it's MY issue, but still....If someone is responsible for rescuing, do they get to set some limits on the others behavior as well?


I don't see making sure a friend has emergency care to be enabling, because that is a situation that is not grey- but black and white.
Enabling would be to dismiss it afterwards or pretend it didn't happen.

lotsofquests

It seems that it is really easy to be judgmental based on hindsight and second or third party reporting. Not being there when this occurred or knowing the girls, there is a lot of supposition. It sounds like the pre-party drinking is not a first time event. When the girl returned to the dorm WITH ANOTHER GIRL WHO AGREED TO ACCOMPANY HER no one knew what her blood alcohol level was or the severity of her problem. In my experience, many drunks are loud and belligerent without endangering themselves. By the time that the text message was received, and we don't know how much information was given at that time, the girl was already on the way or at the hospital. Having a group of unrelated teens show up at the hospital would not have accomplished anything. I think the OP's post sounds very defensive and uncaring but not knowing her, I would not try to judge how she is rearing her daughter. I think she is probably reacting to the harsh behavior of the kids toward her daughter.