mimk6

I don't know why, but we sometimes see people wandering down a busy street in the dark, or even walking the wrong way onto a freeway. We always call 911 -- don't ever know what happens. Once, we saw a 2 year old in a busy intersection. I made my husband stop, took the obviously unkempt kid into a donut shop and waited for the police. I called DCS when the mom in the apartment next to me was hitting her baby in the crib on the other side of the wall. I know DCS came out because I was home entering my apartment when they showed up. That was really uncomfortable because there was no way she didn't figure out who called. But I do consider personal safety in making decisions. For example, my husband tried to warn the guy out of walking the wrong way onto the freeway and he waved him away. To have gotten out of the car to intervene would have been terribly unsafe on a number of levels. Personal safety needs to be considered.

mimk6

I don't think it's really just a matter of not caring or not wanting to stick one's neck out. I think some of it is the life experience one brings to a crisis, and I think another completely different dynamic occurs in a group situation where the onus is not just on one person to do something. My DD went to an urban high school in a not-so-great neighborhood (magnet program.) By the time she had graduated high school, she knew how to call 911 and had done so. She'd dealt with the police when her car was broken into. She had been to security meetings with police and had actually thought through issues having to do with crime and crime prevention. She'd gained some real street smarts. It served her well when she went to college in a not-so-great neighborhood.

One interesting event occurred while walking back with hordes of students through a residential neighborhood after the Harvard-Yale game. Presumably, these students were very bright and also very engaged people. While walking back, in the midst of all these students, they witnessed a man run into a house and then the most blood-curdling screaming commenced. It was clear he was in a rage and they could see a woman running and being chased. You would think that all these students would whip out their cell phones and that they would overwhelm the system with calls. In her group, only my daughter had the presence of mind to look for the address, call 911 and convey the information. (Fortunately, she also had the common sense not to enter the house.) Why her and not the others? I think it's because she had experience. Data on those who think quick in disasters, etc. show that that people who have rehearsed and drilled and know what to do fare better than those who are taken by surprise. She knew what to do because she'd done it before and probably none of them had. I will admit she's the type who would get involved, but I don't think the other people were uncaring. I think they probably froze and didn't really have the life experience to draw on -- they hadn't been through drills. So I think there is that factor. Not everyone thinks quickly on their feet in an unexpected situation and it's not really fair to make character judgements based on how people react when faced with the unexpected.

Obviously, it's terrible and unfathomable when everyone stands around watching someone get beaten to death and so forth. But the brain is a funny thing. I remember sitting in my family room on 9/11, early in the morning on the west coast, when the first tower fell. I honestly did not actually understand what I was seeing. It really took me a few minutes and some explanation from my husband to understand what I was seeing -- let alone to process it. Sometimes people stop thinking in an overwhelming circumstance.

hayden

mimk6, I think there are huge dollops of truth in your post. I believe (without scientific backup) that the crowd response, where we act as a crowd instead of individually thinking, must be some type of survival mechanism, since it's such a strong factor in how people react.

Then to your point, training and life experience must figure hugely in our responses, because training and experience can serve as effective counters to the crowd response. Why else would soldiers advance instead of retreat, if not for weeks with a drill sargeant.

poetgrl

I was pretty horrified by that story in California. Truly. (I believe there were some adults nearby, as well, and the whole thing is absolutely tragic. The girl may recover, with help, but the effects will go on forever, undoubtedly.)

I would not stop to pick up a stranger by the side of the road, but I will always stop and call for help for them, and H has pulled over on an expressway when he has seen young women alone by the side of the road and waited, in his own car, for the police or tow truck to show up. Just to "Make Sure"....

Once when I rolled down my window to hand a man with a sandwhich board five dollars on the entrance to the expressway after a soccer game, I heard my D and her friends talking and I turned down the radio. They were laughing. I said, "What's so funny?" "Mrs. Poetgrl, I told my mom you were always giving people money every time we drove with you the last time we went past someone." "And this is funny?" "Mom keeps dollars to hand out now." Of course, I've also taken all of these girls to work in the soup kitchen since many of them had never been even once.

But, I think all of us can help out in many different ways, and some will be more comfortable with the heroics of running into burning buildings and others of us will send letters for charity. D tutors a young girl who has her same LD and keeps encouraging her to see herself as a "real student" anyway. She brings her little gifts, too. Youngest D teaches soccer to inner city kids once a week. Both report they "get" more out of it than a lot of the things they do seemingly for themselves.

I wonder if it is nurture or nature, but I suspect it is a little bit of both. I hope my kids would "rise to the occaison," but I also hope they would use common sense.

FallGirl

Years ago a small fender bender accident occurred in a parking lot as I was getting out of my car. One of the people involved pointed to me as a witness and took my information even though I insisted that I wasn't paying that much attention. I got a call from an insurance person and told her what I THOUGHT happened while making the point that I wasn't sure.

A few hours later I received a nasty call from the woman involved in the accident accusing me of "lying to the insurance company". The person was so verbally abusive that after several minutes I hung up on her and called the insurance company woman (who was very nice) back and reported it. She was horrified.

To this day, I hesitate to get involved in a similar situation. I would if someone was obviously injured, but for minor things, no.

worknprogress

Mafool - you are probably right, a woman could be dangerous, but that doesn't worry me as much.

Owlice -
I have had several chapters in my professional life. In the early chapter, I worked with students with social and emotional difficulties. One of my assignments was the adolescent center where I met with all the "bad boys." When I was young I drove them to appointments, outings, etc. I went alone to homes to track down kids, meet parents, etc. Some of my early clients have turned out to be rapists, arsonists, killers. As I got older, I started to realize that just because I liked "Johnny" or "Billy", it didn't mean I was safe.

My career has evolved for lots of reasons, but i think when DD was born, I crafted out a more flexible but also safer career. I remember seeing something on tv about Ted Bundy and thinking, I would have been oh, so helpful if I had ever come in contact with him.

I resolved to be a little more cautious and that I would never give any men a ride.

That said, I still assume goodness in people. I am helpful when I think someone needs help. When our church opens its doors to the homeless in the winter, I stay overnite with our guests, I haven't created a wall between myself and those in need. But I have become a little more cautious.

aibarr

I typically don't give out money anymore... I have no idea what people would use it for. I heard about United Way's 2-1-1 line (google to see if it's active in your area... I think it's nationwide, though). It's a free call, you just dial 2-1-1 the same way you'd dial 9-1-1, and it connects you with the United Way hotline. I printed up pamphlets about the hotline and keep them in my briefcase to hand out to people who ask me for spare change. It really sorts out the people who are in trouble from the people who aren't. The people who just want money get very frustrated... The people who need help look like they've had a whole world open up to them.

One time, though, I was in my hometown with my dad and stepmother walking into a restaurant. I planned to meet some friends at a neighborhood bar later. As we were walking into the restaurant, a panic-stricken woman ran up and gave us a sob story about not having enough gas to get to a city about 40 miles east where here mother was going into congestive heart failure, and that her boyfriend wouldn't drive her there unless she came up with some gas money, and she lied with such fluidity and ease that we listened to her, stunned, for a while. I kept a calming tone of voice, offered her some comfort, and took out my wallet and handed her ten dollars. She asked for my address so she could pay it back. I told her no, but to remember this when she saw someone else in trouble next time. She thanked me again and ran off to her boyfriend's waiting truck. "You know that everything she just told you was a lie, right?" said my dad, who was clearly not going to give her any money and was confused as to why I even gave the woman my time. "Yes, but that was my beer money. Now it's her beer money. She looked like she could use the beer more than I could," I said.

That's the only time I've given money in recent memory, but I knew full well what I was doing.

I would never give anybody a ride.

Hunt

These are words to live by, and I'm not joking.

worknprogress

Agreed!

I have often contemplated in my wicked moments the idea of buying a bunch of $5 gift cards to Starbucks and when I am greeted by someone who would like a little money, I could give them the gift card. I sort of enjoy the vision of a couple of these chaps heading off to Starbucks and sitting around and enjoying their lattes.

poetgrl

I give the money the way I give advice.....use it how you will. But I really do like the United Way idea. Maybe I could give them both.

Son of Opie

I usually offer to take people asking for money to a gas station for a sandwich or to give them a ride to where they say they're going. When they insist that cash is the only thing that will help them, I leave.

emeraldkity4

I have often contemplated in my wicked moments the idea of buying a bunch of $5 gift cards to Starbucks and when I am greeted by someone who would like a little money, I could give them the gift card. I sort of enjoy the vision of a couple of these chaps heading off to Starbucks and sitting around and enjoying their lattes
.
In my neighborhood the coffee shops have tables and chairs on the sidewalk ( even in this weather), and I often do see those who appear to be homeless sitting and drinking coffee. The nice thing about the coffee shops is that you can sit and chat for hours. Because we dress casually in Seattle, they only stick out because they don't usually have a laptop.

owlice

worknprogress:

The difference in the cases I can think of -- where I've picked people up -- is that they were not in situations in which they were looking to be picked up. The woman walking up a big hill in my neighborhood didn't have her thumb out; it just looked like she needed a ride, and I was right, she did! So I gave her a ride. The guy earlier this week wasn't looking for help; he didn't even know he needed it. I'd seen the pannier on the trail; he hadn't yet missed it. Driving along some years ago through the agricultural center, which is very open (so not shaded), it was obviously what the man with the gas can was doing: walking in the blazing sun back to his car.

If someone approaches me for help -- and yes, I've heard the same "I need to get about 40 miles away" stories -- that sets off my radar, but a stray pannier on the biker/hiker path? That guy was in lycra and sweating!!

worknprogress

Never trust a man in lycra

owlice

lol!! This one was fine, really!